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ENDLESS WALTZ: Episode 1

(THE SCENE: A movie theatre. The rounded backs of seats is all that can be seen. The theatre seems to be completely dark and empty until, suddenly, there is a blanketing flash of light.)

ALL: YAAAAH!

(When the flash clears, the outlines of three heads can be seen over the backs of some of the seats. The trio seem to be disoriented)

Mike: Where are we?
Crow: Wha' happa'?
Tom: (looking around) Is this our movie theatre? It seems a little different.
Crow: (fearfully) You mean--while we were in limbo waiting for the next episode of Dragonball-Z, we were somehow transported to --
Mike: --an alternate universe?

(Unexpectedly the screen in front of them comes to life. There is a fearful close-up of a round female face topped by overly made-up eyes and tightly-pulled-back hair.)

ALL: GAH!
Tom: (doubtfully) Well, that looks like our Mrs. Forrester...
Mike: Well, I'm sterile now.
Crow: (as Dustin Hoffman/Rainman) I'm gay now. Yes, definitely gay. Definitely.

(The overly made-up face of Pearl Forrester is pushed aside by a chalk-white one)

Observer: REALLY?

Crow: No!

(The Observer pouts)

Tom: And that does seem like our Brain-Guy!
Mike: Mrs. Forrester, what's going on?

Mrs. Forrester: Well, we've been monitoring your progress--

Observer: Or lack thereof!

Mrs. Forrester: --with Dragonball-Z, and we decided that this leveling off of pain thresholds had to be ... (evil grin) dealt with.

Professor Bobo: (from offscreen) I got it! I got it! It's a real stinker, too!

Observer: So we sent Professor Bobo out to get the WB dub of Card Captor Sakura, which the powers that be at the network have eviscerated by deleting several episodes, removing 'Sakura' from the title, and generally restructured to create an action-adventure series featuring a bratty little boy named Li instead of a sweet little magical girl.

Professor Bobo: (now onscreen) Well, that's pretty bad, true--but I got something stinkier! (He holds up a pair of tongs, at the end of which a plastic video case smokes and steams a green, noxious gas). This is much worse! It doesn't need any dubbing or editing to make it incoherent; it started out incoherent!

Observer: (holding his nose as he reads the title on the video box) "Gundam Wing--"

Crow: What!? But that's one of the best anime series ever -- !

Observer: (dubiously) "Endless Waltz?"

Crow: GAH! (He vanishes from view)
Mike: (alarmed) Crow? Crow, don't hide under the seats, you know Mrs. Forrester--

(Mrs. Forrester, grinning maniacally, holds up a hand-grip with a push-button on the end. She pushes the button. Screaming, Crow flies past the screen in a stream of sparks, then falls right back into his seat)

Mike --has the theatre floor wired so we can't hide under the seats!
Crow: (coughing out smoke) Thanks for that timely reminder, Mike.

(Meanwhile, ignoring the fumes shrouding the video, Mrs. Forrester has seized the tape and made a discovery--)

Mrs. Forrester: Bobo, you idiot! This tape is all in Japanese. How can we torture them properly if they don't even know how badly they're being tortured?

Professor Bobo: (loftily) You forget, Mrs. Forrester, I am a scientist. Even though this is August, 2000 and the dub version of Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz won't be available until October, 2000, I have the capability of transforming the Japanese on this tape into English! Mind you, it won't make any more sense...

Observer: (accusing) You mean, you purchased an illegal fan-sub and you are going to use that as the basis for your translation?!

Professor Bobo: (meekly) Yes.

Observer: You cad! You unprincipled ... cad!

Professor Bobo: But I can transform it into spoken English so that what Mike and the 'Bots hear are the English-speaking voice actors from the dub version of Gundam Wing.

Observer: (suddenly eager) Oh! Oh! Are you going to do all the voices?

Professor Bobo: For you, Brain-Guy, sure.

(As The Observer claps his hands in glee, Professor Bobo uses the tongs to pry the smoldering tape out of Mrs. Forrester's hands. He takes the tape off-screen, where banging and clanging noises are heard. Meanwhile--)

Tom: Pearl, I don't know the first thing about this Wingy cartoon. How am I supposed to maintain my sanity by creating witty rips if I have no clue about the source material?

Mrs. Forrester: No problemo. Brain-Guy?

Observer: Ah, yes. It's quite simple, actually. I'm going to once more waste my incredible mind potential pumping information into your feeble and hopelessly inadequate human brains. Prepare yourselves: in exactly one second you will know everything there is to know about the original Gundam Wing series. (He snaps his fingers) And--there. Done.

(Mike and the 'Bots all scream)

Tom: (moaning) No; the pathos, the pathos!
Crow: You mean, Treize's noble sacrifice to guarantee eternal peace?
Tom: No, whoever did General Septum's dub voice! Make it stop! AHHHHH!
Mike: (burying his face in his hands) No--what are these torrid images? Zechs and Treize and Wufei in a complicated and delicate menage a trios? Stolen moments between Heero and Duo? Illicit liaisons with Quatre and Trowa? Where is this coming from?

Observer: (twitching slightly) Oh, sorry. I seem to have also fed you the Gundam Wing "yaoi" fanfiction universe, which bears little-to-no correlation with the series and yet has a dedicated and fanatical following.

Mike: 'Yaoi'?
Crow: (brightly) 'Yaoi' is an acronym for the Japanese phrase 'yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi', which basically translates into 'no point, no meaning,' what many people refer to as a PWP or 'Plot, what plot?" fanfiction. (Then he screams)
Tom: (also brightly) It is used to describe fanworks that feature scenes of romance between two male anime characters. It is not, as wags continue to insist, translated from a Japanese phrase meaning 'stop it, my butt hurts.' (Then he also screams)

Observer: Hmmm...I seem to have also included snippets from Aestheticism's Yaoi Glossary... I'll have to use a more narrow band next time I implant information into your brains.

Professor Bobo: (offscreen) It's ready! (He races back onscreen waving the tape around) Okay, a couple of notes: this is the OVA version, which even more than the movie version of 'Endless Waltz' eschews plot for explosions.

Tom: 'OVA'?
Mike: (brightly) Original Video Animation; a Japanese anime released directly to video without ever being shown on TV, and often just loosely based on the original series. (Then he screams)

Professor Bobo: That's right, Mikey, you get the gold star! The other thing is, I had difficulty channeling the voice actor that will be doing Dekim Barton in the dub version, so I just used the guy's voice who did General Septum. It's not like he was using it or anything...

Tom: GAH!

Mrs. Forrester: (seizing the smoldering tape from the end of the tongs and holding it up in a threatening manner) That's right, boys; Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz! The show that will finally drive you to your knees!

Observer: Pearl, your fingers are melting.

(Mrs. Forrester drops the tape as the screen fades to black. The words "Bandai presents" appear on the black screen. It morphs into a brightly-lit multi-colored screen with the "Sunrise" logo)

Mike: "Sunrise." Something we apparently will never see again.

(On a star-filled background, the words AC195 Xmas Eve appear)

Mike: A.C.?
Tom: "After colonectomy"
Crow: Explains some of the stuff we're going to see floating by the screen

(The camera pans around the moon towards some bright flashes in the sky. Close-up, the flashes prove to be from a battle involving mobile suits.)

Crow: I think the Christmas party got a little out of control.
Tom: Well, Dorothy spiked the eggnog again.
Mike: That Dorothy...

(Closer view of the battle reveals many green metallic space-suits, some with Really Big Guns attached to their shoulders, spinning through space. A large black-and-white suit wields an electric scythe, blowing up more mobile suits. A blue-and-white suit swings a pair a sickles; more explosions. A claw extends from the hand of another Gundam; more explosions. Small battles on multiple fronts and surfaces yield still more explosions.)

(A bright, large object is seen impacting Earth's atmosphere)

Announcer: After Colony 195 ...

(In front of the large object heading toward a messy impact with Earth, a large pale Gundam braces itself and fires weapons, trying to break the space debris up)

Announcer: ...the final battle between the White Fang and the World Nation Forces of Earth ended.


"Lots of stuff blowed up real good"

Tom: (as announcer) Lots of stuff blowed up real good

(The space debris blows up, with delicate particles of debris spreading across the atmosphere)

Announcer: ...and the structure of the opposition vanished.

Mike: And there goes the opposition...and there...and there...
Crow: And the Earth was blanketed by a cloud of debris that brought about a nuclear winter and everyone died. The end.

Announcer: The colonies and the Earth chose the path of cooperation, and in hope of permanent peace, the United Earth Nation was created.

(A shot of some sky scrapers against a night sky)

Tom: (as announcer) Unfortunately they put their headquarters in New York City during an election year. Peace ended.

(A shot of Earth from space, followed by a scan of space debris floating over the atmosphere)

Announcer: After Colony year 196, no arms or weapons exist in the Earth districts.

Crow: That must twist Charlton Heston's shorts!

Announcer: But, as long as humans exist, there will always be war.

Mike: There's a nice, positive message to be sending the kiddies.

(Shot of debris burning up in the atmosphere, then of a sunset over a field of grain, where farmers wielding scythes are harvesting)


"Members of the terrorist wheat underground."

Tom: (as announcer) These men, for instant, members of the terrorist wheat underground.

(Fade to black, then to space, where a lone shuttle is)

Female voice: This is Water. Target confirmed.

(In the cockpit, Sally Po is working the controls)

Sally: Recovery proceeding.

Mike: (as Sally) The 12-step program is really working. Over.

(The screen runs diagnostics. A large yellow blip with lots of beeps accompanying it appears)

Sally: Neo-titanium? When did they get this?

(Another shot of debris in space. The camera pans across a long, skinny, pockmarked object.)

Crow: A giant space-turd!
Mike: Back to the colonectomy...


"A giant space-turd!."

Inside, the camera pans over several Gundams that appear to be webbed down. The Gundams are Deathscythe, Duo's unit, Wing Zero, Heero's unit, and Sandrock, Quatre's unit.)

(Close-up of Wing Zero)

Tom: (as Wing Zero, peevishly) But it was your turn to watch out for the giant space spiders!

(Close up Deathscythe)

Crow: (as Deathscythe, peevishly) No, it was my turn to look out for the giant space turtles! You were supposed to look out for the giant space spiders!
Mike: (as Heavyarms, singing) 'Gamera is really neat, Gamera is full of meat...'
Crow and Tom: (as other two Gundams) Shut up!

(Outside, a small space-suited figure looks in on the Gundams)

Voice: As long as there's peace, we don't need the Gundams.

(Close-up of another space-walker with big eyes and blond bangs that the suit's helmet have smashed against his forehead and nose. This is Quatre Winner, pilot of Sandrock and richest kid in the universe)

Quatre: It's sad that we have to part.

Crow: (sniffling) Well, I can still email you from the cyber cafe, right?

(The other space-walker ceases to be pensive. He turns toward Quatre with determined cheerfulness. This is Duo, pilot of Deathscythe)

Duo: No, that's it. Let's blast them and this scrap satellite to the sun.

Tom: (suddenly shouting) This relationship is dead, I tell you, dead, dead!

Quatre: Okay.

(He gives another last lingering look at his Gundam before following Duo offscreen)

Crow: Still, we'll always have Edwards...

(On a ship, a gloved hand pushes a button. A space-ship's burners light up. The scrap satellite ponderous moves away as Duo and Quatre watch from the bridge of another ship)

Quatre: (eyes shining) Sayonara, my Sandrock.

Duo: See ya, pal.

(Long shot of the scrap satellite moving off)

Mike (as Gundam of your choice) Good riddance, ya bums!

Duo: I knew Wufei wouldn't bring his.

Quatre: True, but Heero and Trowa sent theirs right away.

Duo: I wonder what they're doing...

Tom: (as Quatre) Oh, they're probably humping each other silly because of some one x three x five fan fiction challenge.
Mike: (as Duo) Yeah, probably. So, want some?

(Abruptly, the title screen comes up with "Endless Waltz" written in flowing script and a tiny "Gundam-W" in the upper right-hand corner)

Crow: GAH! (He once again tries to hide under the seats)
Mike: Crow, don't!

(Once again, Crow is sent to the roof in a stream of sparks and plopped back down into his seat. In front of him, the scream proclaims "Episode One: Silent Orbit")

Tom: (exasperated) Don't you ever learn?

(The screen now proclaims that it's AC196 Xmas Eve. The camera pans over several tall Christmas trees toward a milling crowd gathered around them)

Announcer: On the last battleground, resource satellite MO-2, the first anniversary ceremony of the end of the war was taking place.

(Two women, one with dark short hair and bangs that cover half her face, one with brown hair to her shoulders, are speaking. These are Noin and Une, former OZ officers)

Une: A year ago, humans didn't have the ability to enjoy Christmas.

Mike: In fact, a year ago no-one bothered to mention that overcommercialized Christian holidays still existed.

Une: How they've changed.

(Noin looks weirdly smug)

(On the dais, an elderly man is speaking. This is the new president.)

President: Many lives were lost because of the foolishness of war. But surely their deaths were not in vain. That's because their lives have given us much to reflect on and learn from. And at last, we have gained peace.

Crow: President Rueben Kincaid!
Tom: A weird and disturbing blend of Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan...


"President Rueben Kincaid!"

(Une walks away from the speech. Noin follows her.)

Noin: The President doesn't understand. It's more difficult to sustain peace than to gain it.

Une: He understands. Otherwise he wouldn't have given the Preventers a budget. He's quite competent, considering he was democratically elected.

(Noin again looks smug)

Mike: (as Noin) I am just so superior to you...

(Back on Sally's shuttle...)

Sally: Are you sure you don't have to be at the ceremony?

Noin: (speaking via a monitor) The Preventers are only firefighters. We're out of place there.

Sally: There's a high possibility that the neo-titanium is the 13th star sign.

Mike: The what?
Crow: Refresh our memories. What were the other twelve again?

Noin: A new type of mobile suit?

Sally: (nodding) We're investigating all areas to pinpoint its origin. We must stop it while it's just a flame.

Noin: But this time I think it's going to be the biggest fire yet.

Sally: You may be right.

(The screen shows a distant shot of a four-pronged colony. Inside, massive construction goes on as cattails wave.)

Voice: As you know, our colony, L3 X18999, was only completed seven years ago.

(Inside a tall building, several people are gathered at a round table. A large monitor overhead plays the President's speech, but the person speaking is a young man at one end of the table.)

(There is a close-up of a young blond woman sitting at the table. This is Relena Darlian, AKA Relena Peacecraft, AKA the former Queen of the World)

Man: We're trying to get immigrants from Earth but our unstable economy is preventing us from increasing our population.

Mike: (as Relena) Well, have you tried sex?


"Well, have you tried sex?"

Relena: The problem may be the your citizens need to be aware that they are part of the United Earth Nation. Security will not come from a viewpoint that thinks only of this colony.

(The camera pans over the men at the table)

Man: The citizens want a strong leader who will lead them into the future. Someone like you, Vice Minister Darlian.

(Thoughtfully, Relena picks up a tea-cup and sips from it.)

Relena: What a shame. Just as we finally gained the freedom and peace ... (her eyes suddenly half-close. The men around her appear as smirking blurs. The tea-cup clatters to the table top)

Tom: Some people just have a low Cammomile tolerance.
Mike: You should see what happens when someone slips her some Earl Gray!

(Relena has passed out gracefully against the back of the chair. The doors burst open. Several men in red-shirted uniforms wearing pill-box hats with "M" on the front burst in.)

Man: Take her out gently.

Crow: Can I take her out roughly if she starts yelling 'Heero'?

Solider: (looking up at the President's image) Now we have all our cards.

Mike: Unfortunately it's a stacked deck.

Soldier: It's time for the useless men to retire and have our leader take the seat.

Tom: Then I hope I have enough time to make my shift at MacDonalds. 'Would you like fries with that?'


"Would you like fries with that?"

(Shadowy figures are also watching the President's speech. The monitor goes black. There is a girlish giggle)

Shadowy Figure: They're free to wish for peace, but has the human race gained that capacity?

Small shadowy figure: It seems we'll have to teach them, Dekim.

(The two figures are seen in shadowy outline from the front. There is an older man wearing a large-collared jacket and a pill-box hat with a feathered plume sticking out of it. The other figure is seated, but looks as if it could be a young girl)

Dekim: Precisely, Miss Mariemeia.

(The camera pans over a large array of precisely-arranged mobile suits)

Mariemeia: We must give Father's Christmas present to everyone.

Mike: (as Mariemeia) But they can't have my action figures! Some of those are collectibles now.

(Scene change to a lighted circus tent)

Crow: Meanwhile, somewhere in the universe...

(An elephant standing on a big ball draws scattered applause from a sparse audience)

(From behind a curtain, two circus performers watch. There is a young woman in a scanty top and tulle skirt, two feathers sticking out of her hair. This is Catherine, knife-throwing temperamental companion of Trowa Barton, former Gundam pilot. Trowa, shirtless except for suspenders holding his pants up, stands behind her, muscular arms folded)

Catherine: I can't believe how small the crowd is.

(Trowa looks up at the entrance to the big top, where several suited thugs are hanging out)

Trowa: Looks like there's something else on this colony to be excited about.

Catherine: Something else exciting? What do you mean?

Trowa: It may be worth looking into.

(Catherine turns, but Trowa is gone, leaving behind the half-mask he wears as part of his act)


"Trowa Barton:
Killer clown from outer space!"

(Next scene, immediately, one of the goons is spitting blood as he keels over)

Mike: Y'know, it's not anime until somebody spits blood at the camera.
Crow: So we're official now? Cool!

(A long shot shows that three goons are all ready on the ground, and the forth one is rushing Trowa. Trowa takes him out with a kick to the chest)

Mike: Trowa Barton: Killer clown from outer space!

(Trowa pauses, and strides toward the fallen goon. Reaching into a pocket, he pulls out a card."

Tom: (as if reading from the card) "I am deaf..."

Trowa: Barton Foundation. Hasn't that man given up yet?

Crow: (as Trowa) Hasn't that man who was never even hinted at in 49 episodes of Gundam Wing given up yet?

Trowa: (Thoughtfully) No, perhaps it's Laia's daughter. I think she was called Mariemeia.

Mike: (as Trowa, thoughtfully) Although I also heard her being called "pointless plot contrivance..."

(The next scene is of a half-built Gundam mobile suit, the Heavyarms.)

Mike: Hey, where is this? What's going on? Isn't that on its way to being destroyed in the sun?
Crow: It's a flashback, Mike.
Tom: Huh? But they didn't even give us wavy lines to warn us, they just started the scene!
Mike: Crow, are you sure?
Crow: Painfully.
Tom: I want my wavy lines!

(Meanwhile, the scene unfolding shows Trowa walking away from the Gundam but being stopped by a blond man in an orange suit.)

Blond guy: "Hey, you...I'll show you something special. (He shows Trowa a photograph showing a faceless woman and a laughing red-haired child. He drapes an arm around Trowa as he speaks.) That's Mariemeia. My sister's daughter. After we conquer the Earth (he puts his other hand on Trowa shoulder) she's going to be the ruler.

Mike: (as Trowa) That's nice. Sir, you have about five seconds to get your hands off me before I lodge an official complaint with the shop steward.
Tom: Why all this fuss over Danny Partridge's baby pictures?


"Sir, you have about five seconds
to get your hands off me..."

(Back to shirtless Trowa looking at the Barton Foundation card)

(Another shot of the colony from space. A shuttle docks. Inside, a young man is running through information on the ship's computer)

Young Man: Mariemeia Barton. Born in After Colony year 189.

Tom: Are we still in a flashback? Is it After Colony year 189 now?
Crow: No, we're back in AC 196.
Mike: Are you sure? How can you tell?
Crow: (shuddering) Painful experience

(Meanwhile, the computer has cast faint light on the serious face of Heero Yuy, pilot of Wing Zero)

Heero: Mother, Laia Barton, died 2 years later. Father, unknown.

Duo: The world's celebrating Christmas and here's some guy working his rear off.

(Duo is leaning against the metal wall at the back of the cockpit. He is wearing his usual black with the shirt sleeves rolled up, but has replaced the priest's collar with a red shirt.)

Crow: Nice new red dickey you've got there, Duo.
Tom: And the scarf isn't bad either!
Mike: Hey!


"Nice new red dickey you've got there, Duo."

Duo: I didn't know Trowa had a niece.

Heero: That's just for the records. Our Trowa is not Trowa Barton.

Tom: (tearfully) He's Santa Claus! He is, he is!

Duo: Yeah, that's right, I forgot.

Crow: (as Duo) I forgot because I never heard of Trowa before Episode 7: Scenario for Bloodshed.

Duo: Heero, you leaving?

Heero: (at the door) Yes. Relena's been kidnapped. (He races out the door)

(Duo raises one hand to the back of his head and smirks)

Duo: Well, well. Looks like he has a crush.

Tom: And here I thought they were just taking turns stalking each other.

(The screen now shows a large, dark room. The camera pans around, showing armored suits, round helmets, weapons. An echoing voice is heard)

Dekim: My friends, the time has come at last for us to take action for Miss Mariemeia.

(Dekim, feathered pillhat and all, is standing between the legs of a massive mobile suit)

Dekim: I would like to thank you all for enduring the last year.

Crow: And for utterly ignoring continuity to participate in this sequel.

(The camera pans over several ranks of young people in red shirts and red pill-box hats)

Dekim: From now on you will follow the path of glory. The awakening of the human race will be done by the soldiers of Mariemeia. We will be their symbol of hope.

Mike: And we will sell those fries!

(The camera pans over several ranks of young people wearing white shirts and blue shorts with blue pillbox hats. They all wear armbands and thin sashes across their chests)

Tom: It's a Young Republicans meeting!

(The camera stops and centers on Trowa, in the midst of the white-shirted group)

Dekim: But before that, we must decide the punishment of a disturbing element. (He pulls a gun out and levels it at Trowa) Trowa Barton, come forward!

(Trowa hesitates)

Mike: (as Trowa) Dang it all, when am I going to learn to not use my real name when I'm infiltrating covert organizations!

(Dekim fires, but Trowa dodges by executing a spinning flip that takes him to the stage. Landing in a deep crouch, he pulls out his own gun BUT ... a blade comes out of nowhere and rests under his chin. Looking up, he sees--)

Wufei: Stop right there.

Trowa: (softly) Wufei...

(The camera pulls back. Trowa is being held at sword point by Chang Wufei, the last of the Gundam pilots, who is also dressed in shorts.)

Tom: And he pulled that big-assed saber out of where, exactly?
Crow: I think you answered your own question there, pal.


"He pulled that big-assed saber
out of where, exactly?"

(Meanwhile, on a shuttle in space:)

Sally: This is Water, calling on secret line to R.

Mike: (as Sally/airhead) Just felt like I had to announce the secret line, 'coz it's a secret an' all.

Noin: This is Fire on line. Go ahead.

Crow: I see Trowa and her go to the same hairdresser!

Sally: I've found it's origin.

Noin: Was it L-3?

Crow: Gosh, that usually means a hernia.

Sally: You've got good intuition.

Mike: (as Sally/airhead) I guess I didn't have to go announcing that secret line after all, hee-hee!

Noin: (grimly) I guessed based on where you were investigating. So have you determined which colony it is?

Sally: It's the main colony, X18999.

Tom: Just down the block from colony THX-1138
Crow: And across the street from X-Men and X-Force lanes.

Noin: The leader's name?

Sally: (reading from a sheath of papers) Mariemaie Barton.

Noin: (startled) Barton?

Mike: (as Noin) Why, that's such a common name it's surprising that I am reacting to it.

(Lines of text scroll across the computer screen)

Mike: (grumbling) Windows AC 196...what a load of ... !

Sally: As I thought, we're all ready too late. In a few hours, they'll probably declare independence or war. And there's one more piece of bad news.

Tom: Cheney's on board.

Sally: Vice Minister Darlian, who was visiting X18999, is missing.

Noin: Miss Relena!

Sally: We'd better hurry.

Noin: Roger. We'll change our rendezvous point.

(The space ship fires up and rushes offscreen)

(Scene change. A chandelier glows softly. The camera pans over Relena, pass-out on a bed. She is wearing a white business suit with a cravat tied around her throat.)

Tom: Ah, Relena as Heero has always wanted to see her...
Crow: On a bed with her hair all fanned out?
Tom: No; silent.


"Relena as Heero has always wanted to see her..."

(Relena slowly starts to wake up)

Mike (as Relena) Whoa...did I get totally wasted on tea last night?
Tom: Hey, how'd her hair get so long? In the last episode of Gundam Wing, it was only to her shoulders!
Crow: Lack of continuity in the big things AND the little things, Tom.

(Slowly, Relena opens her eyes and sits up on the bed)

Voice offscreen: Are you awake now?

Mike: Unfortunately, yes.

(All Relena can see is the back of a red chair)

Relena: Who are you?

(The chair turns to reveal the small girl previously seen in the photograph)

Relena: (leaping off the bed, concerned) Were you captured, too?

Mike: (as small girl/Danny Partridge) Well, Mom's bus broke down...

Mariemeia: No, I gave the orders to bring you here.

Relena: What are you saying?

Crow: (big sigh, then shouts loudly with pauses) I -- gave -- the -- orders --

Mariemeia: My name is Mariemeia Khushrenada. The daughter of Treize Khushrenada.

Mike: (as Mariemeia) He was about, oh, five when I was born.

Relena: You can't be.

Mariemeia: It's true. My DNA confirms it.

Tom: (as Mariemeia, thoughtfully) Although Mr. Scheck has questioned the collecting techniques...


"Mr. Scheck has questioned
the collecting techniques..."

Mariemeia: (kicking her legs as she sits in the much-too-large chair) I've been told there are circumstances that only adults understand.

Crow: (as Mariemeia) I've been told I'm an absurd plot device and I just have to accept that.

Mariemeia: I don't know the reason for my birth.

Mike: Well, when a glory-mad militarist and a faceless woman in a photograph love each other very much...

Mariemeia: But truth is truth, and I intend to pursue my father's wishes.

Crow: (as Mariemeia) So NYAAAA!

Relena: I don't know who's told you this, but you're mistaken.

Mariemeia: (leaping out of her chair) Silence!

(Relena stares at her blankly)

Mike: (as Relena) I am experiencing mild concern over this situation.


"I am experiencing mild concern
over this situation."

Mariemeia: I am the rightful heir to the United Earth Nation. I will not tolerate such rude remarks!

(Suddenly, the red-shirted variety of guards rush into the room)

Tom: (a la Monty Python) No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Mariemeia: It's nothing. Leave us.

(The head guard salutes, and the guards rush back out)

Mike: (as Mariemeia, giggling her insane little giggle) I can make grown men dress like fast-food clerks and run around like idiots! And it's fun!

Mariemeia: This room is monitored. I suggest you not try anything.

(Close-up of Relena's solemn face)

Tom: (as Relena) Oh, I never try anything. Just ask my boyfriend Heero!

Mariemeia: Because I respect the fact that you were once Queen Relena ...

Crow: The back-up vocalist for Queen Latifa...

Mariemeia: I am granting you an audience with me. I advice you to be more careful in the future.

Relena: (still not reacting) Then, if I may ask, what do you plan on doing with me?

Mariemeia: (giggling) You will know in time.

Crow: Once the scriptwriters get that far.

(Scene change to space, where a fast-moving shuttle is speeding toward an unknown destination)

Duo: (looking at his reflection in the window) We've worked so hard for this peace. Someone has to help keep it, right? (He turns toward his silent companion) Heero?

(Heero is sitting with his arms folded and his eyes closed, apparently asleep)

Duo: Hey! Tell me when you're going to sleep, okay? (He puts his hands behind his head)

Mike: Oh-oh. So many fanfics start with just this situation...
Tom: (alarmed) Don't give the fan-girls out there any ideas!

(Close up of Heero's face that gradually dissolves into an overhead shot of a city or a military compound)

Tom: Okay, this is more like it! A dissolve leading into the flashback-slash-dream sequence! Bring on the past!

(In the dream, Heero vaults over a high wire fence, lands on the other side, and sprints away over grassy fields. He flips and lands on his back, looking up at the sky with a grin)

Crow (as Heero): I think I lost the movie this time!


"I think I lost the movie this time!"

(A little girl leans over Heero, blocking his view of the sky)

Crow (as Heero) No, still found me. Damn.

Little Girl: Hey, are you lost?

Heero: (sitting up) I've been lost since I was born.

Little Girl: Poor thing.

Mike: (as little girl) Stuck in this movie an' all.

(The little girl's puppy jumps up on Heero's leg)

Little Girl: I'm not lost. I'm walking Mary.

(She giggles at the dog. Heero looks on without much interest. A flower is shoved into his face)

Little Girl: This is for you.

(Heero takes the flower as the dog pulls the little girl away)

Little Girl: (being pulled off screen) Wait, Mary! Mary!

Tom: (as dog) No way, kid. I can smell impending doom a mile away!

(Heero smells the flower)

(Scene change to a close up of a hand pressing the switch on a hand-held detonation device. Explosions occur within the military compound. The sky is lit with bright flashes of orange and yellow flames. Rows of mobile suits blow up. Camera pans down to Heero, standing just outside the fence)

Heero: Mission completed.

Crow: (brightly) Now for a latte!

(Heero turns away, but as the last mobile suit explodes, It falls in an unexpected manner. Heero gapes as it reels toward a large civilian complex, then throws down his detonation switch and runs towards it. The machine blows up as it crumbles into the complex. There's a shot of a teddy bear being blasted by flames. Chain reaction explosions rock the area. From overhead, the compound and the nearby buildings twinkle with fire. There is a close-up of Heero's horrified eyes, then of one clenched fist where he still holds the flower he was given earlier.)

Crow: So, what is the underlying theme of Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz? Mike?
Mike: (uncertainly) Um... 'War is not healthy for flowers and other living things'?
Crow: Nope! Tom?
Tom: (sonorously) 'Lots of stuff blowed up real good.'
Crow: Bingo!

(In the early morning light, the smoldering wreckage is shrouded with lingering smoke. The camera slowly pans over it.)

(Heero stands in the midst of the wreckage. Ashes fall around him like snowflakes)

Tom: Why, how festive!


"Why, how festive!"

(Heero sees the scorched teddy bear, then finds the puppy dead in the ruins. Heero picks the puppy up and holds it cradled in his arms)

Crow: I will hug it and feed it and call it George ... hey, wait, this thing's dead!

(Heero is seen against a black background, spotlit, carrying the puppy)

Mike: (as news announcer) Laddie, youngest son of movie star Lassie, was found dead today after a mysterious explosion. Police are not yet commenting but the pup was known to run with a rough crowd and foul play is suspected. Laddie is survived by seven littermates and sixty-five half-brothers and sisters.

Dr. J: (voiceover as Heero is walking) What!? You intend to make the Gundams weapons for mass murder?!

Tom: No, they were built to be carnival rides. Wake up!

Dekim: (voiceover as Heero continues walking) This is war! Civilian sacrifices are inevitable. Listen, retain him immediately. It is unnecessary for our weapons to have human emotions like kindness.

Dr. J: Of course not. But do you think Heero Yuy would be happy if we wiped out the human race?

Crow: (as Heero) Hey, could one of you guys get the lights on your way out? (A close-up of Heero is suddenly well-lit) Thanks!

Duo: Heero...

(Back in the present, Duo is shaking Heero awake)

Duo: Wake up, will you?

Heero: Wha...?

Duo: Seems like that girl is going to make a statement.

Mariemeia: (voiceover as the colony is shown) We, Colony L-3 X18999, declare independence from the United Earth Nation and at the same time declare war on them. I am the rightful heir to the United Earth Nation. (Mariemeia is shown, wearing a beret with a Dekim-like feather in it) My name is Mariemeia Khushrenada, daughter of Treize Khushrenada.

(Noin and Sally stare in horror at the screen in their shuttle)

Tom: (as Noin) Are those rebels fashion challenged or what?

Noin: Treize's daughter?

Mariemeia: (now seen on a giant screen overlooking a city on Earth) I will follow my father's wishes.

Mike: He wished to be a lap-dancer!

Mariemeia: Humans have a meaningful existence because of their will to fight.

(Shot of the President's Mansion. Snow is softly falling)

Tom: How festive!
Mike: You said that all ready.
Tom: Well, snow does that to me.

President: (on the phone as he is looking at a laptop screen) What is the meaning of this!? Why didn't you do something before this happened?!

Une: (in her high-rise office overlooking a city) I reported this matter the other day.

Mike: (as Une, shrewishly) But you never listen to me!

President: I've read the report! But I gave you a budget so this sort of situation wouldn't happen!

Une: I understand. We're doing our best to prevent their actions, but it seems they were prepared in advance, probably before our organization was formed--

Tom: So President Kincaid can blame it on the previous administration.

(There's a dial tone. The President has hung up on Une)

Crow: How rude!
Mike: Mrs. Partridge was on the other line.
Tom: (as Mrs. Partridge) Did you see how Danny just declared war on you? Wasn't that sweet? How did you like the little hat I made for him?

(Meanwhile, Une slowly puts down the phone)

Une: Just excuses. The problem is ... can we stop them with our forces alone? (There is the sound of a door opening) Who's there?

(A Shadowy Male Figure is standing in front of the desk)

SMF: Excuse me.

Une: You...

Tom: Mr. Hoffa!
Mike: Judge Crater!
Crow: Al Gore!
Mike and Tom: Huh?
Crow: Well, he might as well have disappeared.

SMF: I would also like to have a code name.

Mike: They're just so hip.

(The camera pans over long hair next to the man's face, then over his lips, but doesn't show his features)

SMF: Perhaps 'Wind.'

Mike: Or 'Rain.' Or 'Fire.' Whatever.

SMF: The wind that blows out the flame.

(Switch to a shuttle speeding through space)

Duo: We're almost in L-3's sector. So, how are we gonna get in?

Heero: We could use a mobile suit, but we'd probably be shot down before we landed.

Tom: Besides, supposedly there are no mobile suits for the Earth forces anymore.

Duo: Then we'll just have to force our way through.

Heero: There's no other choice.

Tom: Oh, a Calvinist!

Duo: (big sigh) Man, how about using your brain once in a while?

Heero: You, too.

Duo: What?!

Crow (as Duo, whining): But that'll be real messy!


" But that'll be real messy!"

Noin: (watching a blue-screen with triangles that represent her ship and Heero's ship) There's a civilian shuttle ahead of us!

Mike: And it looks like the Empire's Star Destroyers got here ahead of them, too.

Noin: It's heading for the mobile suits! Message to shuttle, respond! This is a danger zone! Turn back immediately!

(Duo's image appears on the screen)

Duo: Hey, long time no see!

Noin: Duo! Heero, too?

Duo: Seems like there's gonna be a big Christmas party, so we're bringing them a present.

Sally: You don't have your Gundams! You haven't got a chance!

Duo: (cheerfully) I think we can manage it.

Tom: (as Duo) 'course, I think the moon is made of blue cheese.

Noin: Duo, Heero; why don't we join forces again?

Duo: I'll think about it. We'll be late for the party. See ya! (Static appears on the screen, but Duo's voice is still heard) By the way, don't be too upset if there's no cake left.

Sally: Oh, well...

Noin: Sally, we'll create a diversion for the shuttle. We have to get the enemy's attention.

Sally: Roger. So we back them up, anyway.

Noin: At the moment, we only have them to rely on.

Sally: Yes, that's why it's so encouraging.

Tom: (as Sally) I always find depending on homicidal teenagers to be encouraging.

(Duo and Heero's shuttle heads for the colony, dodging fire.)

Duo: See that! Am I impressive or what?

Heero: I was depending on your skills from the beginning.

Mike: This is the guy with the death wish, right?
Crow: Self-destruct boy, yep.
Mike: Just checking.

Duo: You just made my day!

(The shuttle flashes by mobile suits that are guarding the colony and continues to successfully dodge fire from the colony. However, one suit gets off a shot that causes the shuttle to spin wildly. Duo grimaces and hangs on. More mobile suits get a bead on the shuttle, but Noin and Sally's craft gets close enough to start firing. The shuttle releases several small boxes that contain missiles. Most of the suits can't out-maneuver the missiles and get blown up. This goes on for a while)

Mike: Once again, the theme of Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz is...?
Tom and Crow: (reciting) 'Lots of stuff blowed up real good.'

Duo: (shouting) Hold on tight! I'm going to punch through!

Crow: Another starting point for many a fan-fic.

(Two Taurus suits move to protect the air-lock Duo is heading for)

Duo: (screaming) Outta my way!

(He smacks a button on the console. The fuel tank [I assume] splits off from the shuttle. The Taurus suits scatter. The tank slams against the side of the colony. The shuttle shoots through and lands on its belly, skidding)

(Shot of Noin in her shuttle as it fires up and speeds away.)

(Another space ship...)

Mike: Hey, isn't that the spaceship Swinepork?
Tom: PIIIIIIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!

Quatre: I'm really sorry to have dragged all of you into this.

Rashid: Now none of that, Master Quatre.

Crow (as Quatre) Don't call me 'master' in public, Rashid. People are talking!

Quatre: It was my fault. If I hadn't suggested sending the Gundams to the sun, none of this would have happened.

Rashid: No one imaged something like this would happen.

Tom: So stop whining all ready!

Rashid: Let's concentrate on the problem at hand.

Quatre: Okay.

Abdul: Can we make it to the scrap ship on time?

(More blue-screen readouts, this time showing various elliptical orbits)

Mike: Etch-a-sketch technology has come a long way.

Quatre: The satellite is more than 50 days from Mercury's orbit. This planetary transport ship should just make it.

Crow: Assuming the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork double-checked Captain Hogthrob's calculations.

Maganac soldier: Don't worry, it'll work out.

Tom: Our red fezzes will save us!


"Our red fezzes will save us!"

Abdul: I don't want to return home and find out there's no Earth.

Quatre: (thinking) We hold the key. No matter what, I have to get everyone's Gundam back.

(Close up of the burners of Quatre's ship firing up.)

(Mike and the 'bots react, trying to dodge the flames shooting out of Quatre's ship)

(Meanwhile, Quatre's ship heads for the distant sun)

(Inside the colony, Aries and other mobile suits are firing on the mobile suit that Duo is piloting)

Duo: How the heck did they hide all these mobile suits?

(Close-up of Heero's grim face. His mobile suit slashes through opponents. Duo's suit pulls up next to his)

Duo: It's getting hard to hold this position!

Mike: And the audience is starting to question where these suits came from!

Heero: Disengage after this last one. We'll have to act independently from here on in.

Duo: Understood!

(They split up, but in a narrow corridor in front of Duo, a door slides open, revealing a gray mobile suit that Duo doesn't recognize)

Duo: A new mobile suit?

Tom: If a Jawa took steriods...


" If a Jawa took steriods..."

(The new mobile suit opens fire. Duo is forced back)

Duo: He's pretty good!

(Duo ducks into another corridor and watches)

Duo: His ... his style of fighting ... it's like ...

Crow: Jerry Springer's! Look out for flying chairs!

(Scan up the torso of the opposing pilot. It's Trowa.)

Mike: So the guy plants himself and fires a big freakin' gun and Duo can tell from that it's Trowa?
Crow: Well, that is pretty much all Trowa does in a fight...

Duo: You're Trowa! Damn you!

(Several of Trowa's barrages hit)

Duo: (wincing) Crap!

(In another corridor, Heero is slicing and dicing mobile suits with his beam saber. He glances over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of something unexpected. He shoves to one side. A long metallic arm snakes past him and attaches to a mobile suit he had been fighting. It blows up. The arm retracts into a really, really big mobile suit)

Wufei: I've always wanted to fight you.

(Heero makes a "Tsk" noise)

(Wufei's Gundam lunges, holding its shield out in front. It barrels toward Heero. Heero blocks the strike with his energy saber)

Heero: What are you up to, Wufei?


"I'm Green Party..."

Wufei: Are you in the right?

Heero: What?

Mike: (as Heero, exasperated) I'm Green Party, you know that. Pretty far left!

(The two break apart and hack at each other again)

Wufei: I'm asking, are you in the right!?

Heero: (makes another "tsk" noise)

Tom: (as Heero, bored) Honestly, can't you--

(Screen cuts to black; ending song starts)

Tom: (as Mike picks him up) Hey, I wasn't done being snide!
Crow: Oh, yes you are, Tom.

(Mike and the 'Bots exit)


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