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ENDLESS WALTZ: Episode 2

Mike: So...Gundam Wing, Endless Waltz. How're you holding up?

Tom: Well, apart from dark thoughts of universal destruction coupled with a nearly over-powering urge to throw myself out the nearest hatch which, since I have vast pockets of air trapped in this metallic body of mine means I would pop like a pimple in the vacuum of space, I'd say I was holding up better than expected.

Mike: (not really listening as he pats Tom on the back) That's great, Tom. Crow, I know you're into anime an' all, but how are you... Crow? Tom, where's Crow?

Tom: Oh, he said something about sponging a sandwich off of Gypsy.

(There is an unholy, terrified scream from off-screen)

Tom: I'd say she's serving up the peanut butter/ham/pickle and anchovy loaf ones again.

(Still screaming, Crow races in from stage right. He ducks behind Mike)

Mike: Crow? What's the matter, little buddy?

Crow: It's Gypsy! Something horrible -- and yet weirdly enticing in a smutty and virginal sort of way -- has happened to her! You've got to stop her before she destroys the entire ship!

(On his words, Gypsy bursts in from stage right)

Crow: AAAAAHHHHHH! (He ducks back behind Mike, but peeks out)

(Gypsy is wearing a broad gold ribbon strapped around the upper part of her tubing. She has on dangling sparkling earrings, broad red lips, and the longest lashes in her arsenal)

Tom and Mike: Gypsy?!

Gypsy: (gyrating madly about as she sings)

I think I did it again--
I made you believe we're more than just friends --
Oh baby

(Mike, still with Crow desperately hiding behind him, and Tom have to dash about to avoid being cold-cocked by Gypsy's wild moves)

Mike: Gypsy, wha--? (Suddenly he is nose-to-nose with her)

Gypsy: (singing)

Oops!...I did it again --
I played with your heart, got lost in the game --
Oh baby, baby --
Oops!...You think I'm in love --
That I'm sent from above
(Gypsy bends over Mike until he is practically on his back on the counter and screams in his face)
I'm not that innocent, buster!

Tom: (as Mike weasels away from Gypsy's advances) Ohmigod, no! Mike, Gypsy has been taken over by the spirit of teen pop idol Brittany Spears!

Crow: No duh, Sherlock.

(Mike is forced to make more elaborate dodges around the ship's small cabin as Gypsy continues to writhe and spout random lyrics)

Gypsy: (singing)

Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways--
But to lose all my senses--
That is just so typically me--
Baby, oh--

Tom: Mike, she has you in her crosshairs!

(Mike frantically continues to dodge as Gypsy hits the chorus again)

Mike: What do I do?!

Tom: Mike, clearly you have to answer her using an opposing but equally clueless male pop force!

Crow: (from behind Mike) Willy Nelson?

Tom: Crow, you are so out of it!

Mike: Rickey Nelson, then?

Tom: Somehow I think this is bigger than La Vita Loca. No, to combat Gypsy you'll need the combined brainlessness of many males!

Crow: (from behind Mike) The Moral Majority?

Tom: We don't want cationic, Crow! Besides, they haven't released any hits in years. Mike, you have to use N Synch!

Mike: (shifty eyed) I don't know any N Synch.

Tom: Mike, this is no time to equivocate! You have every CD and mini-CD ever released by N Synch, PLUS you have half-a-dozen import DVDs of their videos! You have seventeen five-changer CD cartridges devoted just to them!

(Mike appears ready to die of embarrassment. Fatefully, Crow realizes something...)

Crow: Hey, you were the one that went through my under-roos drawer! Admit it!

(On one of her twirls, Gypsy opens her mouth and spits a pair of under-roos at the trio. The under-roos hit Crow in the face. They dangle over his mouthparts)

Crow: ... Mama.

(He faints out of sight)

Tom: Look, Nelson, this is getting serious! She's taken out Crow. That means we're next!

Mike: Okay, okay, I'm doing it. (Taking a deep breath, he strikes a dramatic and painful-looking pose. Gypsy stops gyrating to stare at him.)

Mike: (grimly singing one of the sappy love-songs)

I'm feeling weak --
I cannot sleep --
My head is burning --
I feel cold down to my feet

Gypsy: (singing back, scornfully)
"Well baby, I went down and got it for you"
(Again leaning over Mike, screaming into his face)
Well, you shouldn't have, loser!

Tom: (frantic) Mike, no! Act like you're not interested or you'll just make her worse!

Mike: Well, I'm not interested

Tom: (screaming) DO IT!

Mike: (sighing, then monotone)

Don't wanna be a fool for you --
Just another player in your game for two

Gypsy: (after staring at him incredulously, she begins to slow down)
You see my problem is this--
I'm dreaming away--
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist--

Mike: (beginning to get jiggy wit' it)
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,
Baby, bye, bye, bye... Don't really wanna make it tough,
I just wanna tell you that I had enough.
(Mike starts going into the full twitchy N Synch routine, hopping from side to side)
It might sound crazy,
but it ain't no lie,
baby, bye, bye, bye
(He waves his hand over his head 'bye-bye' like an idiot)

(Gypsy stops moving and watches Mike. She then speaks in her normal tones)

Gypsy: It might seem like a crush, but it doesn't mean that I'm serious. (She regards Mike as he continues to prance) Sad, really.

Mike: (is repeating "baby, bye, bye, bye" over and over again as he dances around, until he realizes that both Gypsy and Tom are staring at him like he's totally lost his mind. He slowly winds down.) Bye -- bye -- um, bye?

Gypsy: Goodbye, Mike

(Mike is abashed)

Crow: (popping up unexpectedly) Take it.

Gypsy: Take it?

Crow: Take another little piece of my heart, now, baby.

Gypsy: Um, okay.

Tom: Whoops, this will have to wait, we have movie sign!

(Everyone runs around like idiots)

Gypsy: Bye, bye. Bye.

(5...4...3...2...1)

(As Mike and the 'Bots find their seats, camera pans down, showing the vastness of space. "AC196 Xmas Eve" appears on the screen)

Announcer: After Colony year 196. Colony L-3 X18999 has declared independence. The name of their leader is Mariemeia Khushrenada, the daughter of Treize. At the same time she captured Relena, she also declared war on the United Earth Nation. Under the surface of all this, the Gundam pilots fight fiercely among each other.

(Recap of the fight between Duo and Trowa)

Duo: He's pretty good!

Mike: As was previously noted

(Duo ducks into another corridor and watches)

Duo: His ... his style of fighting ... it's like ...

(Scan up the torso of the opposing pilot. It's Trowa.)

Duo: You're Trowa! Damn you!

Tom: (in disappointment) No, I'm sorry. This just completely loses its impact the second time around.

(Recap of the fight between Wufei and Heero)

Wufei: I've always wanted to fight you.

Mike: Again, as was previously noted.

(Heero makes a "Tsk" noise)

(Meanwhile, Quatre and his group are still trying to head off the scrap satellite)

Quatre: At this rate, it'll take 5 days until we reach the rendezvous with the scrap satellite.

Mike: Unfortunately, the rendezvous with the plot is at least 6 days away.

Quatre: (He taps on the ship's computer) But if we take this route, we could cut 80 hours off our trip.

Tom: Kid, anything that shortens the movie is fine with us!

Rashid: That's great! Let's take that route!

Abdul: But to do that we need fuel to accelerate and once we're there, fuel to decelerate. We'll use up most of the ship's propellant.

Crow: We won't feel fresh!

Maganac soldier: Does that mean we can't get home?

Quatre: No, there is a way. If we explode the fusion furnace in the satellite and use that as propulsion, we can get back to Earth fairly quickly. (He taps on the computer again) We can take this ship back to Venus, using its gravity catapult to take her back.

Abdul: The problem is the timing at the rendezvous. Estimates show the point of contact is only about 5 seconds.

Rashid: How many of us can get through in 5 seconds?

Mike: Well, are you with Sprint or ATT?

Quatre: Risk is unavoidable. We didn't get the routine email from Duo. That means the situation is very severe.

Crow: Oh, now, the Braves are only five back.

Rashid: Then the decision is made. The ones going will be me, Abdul and--

Quatre: No. I'll be the only one.

Tom: (a la Highlander) Because there can be only one!

Rashid: Master Quatre!

Abdul: No way! Take us, please!

Quatre: Rashid, take charge of the jet blast.

Maganac soldier: All of us are prepared to give up our lives for you, anytime!

(Sighing, Quatre shakes his head)

Quatre: There's nothing more important than life in this world. Sandrock has taught me that.

Crow: (as Sandrock) And what did that get me? A one-way ticket to melt-down in the sun's core! Listen, guys, don't trust this kid! Get out while you can!

(Close up of the burners on the ship igniting. Quatre's ship continues on its way)

(Suddenly, Quatre is wearing a different space suit)

Quatre: Self-destruct switch?

Mike: Will that get me out of this sequel?

(He is addressing an older man with a thin, long waxed moustache. This is Instructor H, one of the Gundam scientists.)

H: Yes, I've attached one to Sandrock.

Quatre: To maintain secrecy?

H: That's not why.

Mike: Wait a minute, what's going on? Why is Instructor H there?
Tom: Yeah, where are the Maganacs?
Crow: Flashback.
Tom: What?! What is with these unannounced flashbacks?

H: It is for the resolution that the one with power must maintain.

Quatre: I don't quite understand.

Tom: Kid, don't bother trying.

H: I didn't think so. But that's all right for now.

(A console beeps at Instructor H. He turns to read an incoming message)

Quatre: Is it orders from the organization?

Mike: I'm sorry, but you've been outed. You'll have to leave the Scouts.

H: Yes. But this is --

(He smashes the screen)

Crow: Darned SPAM.

H: Quatre, fight on your own.

(Close up of H's smiling face, which is pretty danged terrifying)

ALL: GAH!

H: If you feel the need to use the switch, then do so.

Quatre: (nodding) Yes.

(Quatre floats down a long gangplank, heading for Sandrock. H watches from above)

H: We cannot take away his purity and kindness. It may mean that Quatre faces an even harsher fate than Operation Meteor.

Crow: Puberty!
Mike: Thank you, Instructor H, for sharing your inner dialog with us during Quatre's flashback.

(Abruptly, the title screen comes up)

ALL: GAH!
Tom: What is with the editors?

(A second title screen proclaiming "Operation Meteor" pops up)

(Another recap of the Wufei/Heero fight. Wufei's Gundam lunges, holding its shield out in front. It barrels toward Heero. Heero blocks the strike with his energy saber)

Heero: What are you up to, Wufei?

Wufei: Are you in the right?

Heero: What?

(The two break apart and hack at each other again)

Wufei: I'm asking, are you in the right!?

Heero: (makes another "tsk" noise)

Mike: (as Heero) How many times are you going to ask that?

(More hacking. Heero starts to back off.)

Heero: Wufei, push the self destruct switch.

Tom: (officiously) Thank you for your time, but your usefulness to the plot has ended.

(Instead, Wufei charges, lopping off one of the arms from Heero's mobile suit. A second swing sends up sparks from the chest of Heero's mobile suit. Heero, however, continues to back away. The door of Heero's mobile suit is ejected. Heero stands in the opening and speaks to Wufei coldly)

Heero: I'll say it once more. Push the self destruct switch.

Wufei: (snorts)

Mike: (as Heero) Don't make me come over there!


"Don't make me come over there!"

(The two mobile suits are motionless as the pilots stare at each other.)

(Back to Trowa and Duo's fight. Trowa is continuing to blast away with his freakin' big gun, driving Duo's suit to its back)

Duo: Trowa, why did you betray us?

Trowa: You've got the wrong guy. I'm not Trowa.

Mike: I'm Kevin Bacon.
Tom: Wow, that guy is everywhere!

(The shoulders of Trowa's suit open, revealing gobs of rockets aimed at the prone Duo.)

Duo: (screaming) Are you serious?!

(Close-up of Trowa's calm green eye as a computer schematic is overlaid. He fires)

Duo: (smirking insanely) So this is the end...

(The rockets head for him...and head for him...and head for him...)

Tom: Geez, how far away was Trowa, Siberia?

(Right when the rockets reach Duo, the screen goes to black.)

(The camera pans right. The darkness yields an outline of a prone mobile suit, but not the one that Duo was in. There is a close-up of Deathscythe, the suit Duo piloted during the war.)

Mike: (as Deathscythe) What!? I was on a rocket to the sun, then suddenly I'm in this scene!
Crow: (wearily) Flashback.


"Suddenly I'm in this scene!"

(Close-up of a hand-held electronic device being placed on Deathscythe. Duo slides down the mobile suit, runs to a nearby corridor, then pulls out a hand-held plunger like the one Heero used to detonate the explosives in the military compound.)

Duo: This is the end.

Mike and Tom: Yeh!
Crow: Not of the movie.
Mike and Tom: Boo!

(Duo pushes the button. The camera hovers over Deathscythe...but nothing happens.)

Duo: What's wrong? Why won't it blow up?! (He stares at Deathscythe.) Where did I mess up?

Mike: (as Duo/Marvin the Martian) Where is the 'kaboom'? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering 'kaboom'!

(Voice offscreen) Duo

(At the feet of a shadowy figure, several lynchpins are dropped. The outline of Professor G, including his puffy cap-like hair, is seen)

Crow: Duo's being visited by the King of the Mushroom People.

Prof. G: Deathscythe in an excellent work of art. Come up with an idea other than destroying it.

Duo: (snort) I'm not going to have my pal turned into a tool for mass murder.

Mike: Since when did you care about that?
Tom: Blowing up tens of thousands of hopelessly-outclassed soldiers doesn't count as mass murder.
Crow: (long pause as the scene continues) How d'you figure?
Tom: Just go with it, okay?

(Professor G marches up to Duo and sticks a hand inside Duo's shirt)

Tom: Whoa! Bad touch, bad touch!
Mike: And a dozen more fanfics get started. Thank you, movie.

(Professor G pulls out a revolver and taps the barrel against his forehead)

Prof. G: So, after destroying Deathscythe, you were going to kill me.

Duo: (grinning) Everyone. Including me.

Mike: Suddenly he's the suicidal one!

Duo: I'll gladly become Death, if it's for the peace of the colony.

Prof. G: (giving the gun back to Duo) If you're so determined, try to outwit me! Duo, steal Deathscythe.

Duo: What?!


"Now let's go blow up Edwards!"

Prof. G: Don't carry out Operation Meteor, just descend to Earth.

Crow: But go ahead and tell everyone you are part of Operation Meteor. And here's a little speech to memorize so you can amaze Quatre with how similar your orders are. Oh, and kill lots of people. Buh-bye!

Prof. G: (walking down a long corridor in the darkness until he disappears) There's a man named Howard in the Pacific. Go see him. Of course, as Death.

Mike: Now, if you'll excuse me, Patti LaBelle wants her wig back.

Duo: Death, huh? Much better than a hero of mass murder. (He twirls the gun around one finger)

Tom: (brightly) Now let's go blow up Edwards!

(Suddenly, there are a bunch of marching mechs followed by a close-up of a young man with brown hair that covers most of his face, and a scarf that covers the rest of it.)

Trowa: (as a voiceover) My name is not Trowa.

Mike: (high-pitched) It's Trudi

Trowa: (as a voiceover) From my earliest memories I've been a nameless soldier on the battlefield.


"It's Trudi!"

(Switch to the outside of a colony. The camera pans over the colony, then pans over the almost-completed Heavyarms Gundam)

Trowa: (voiceover) I met a man named Trowa when I was working as a mechanic on Heavyarms.

(Shot of Trowa sitting between two laptops running diagnostics)

Crow: Oh, did I mention my other earliest memories where I got my engineering degree from DeVry?
Tom: (as Sally Struthers) Would you like to earn more money as a Gundam tech? Sure, we all would!

(The blond guy who was fondling Trowa in episode one is nearby pitching a fit)

Blond guy: What do you mean, only target OZ?!

(Shot of Heavyarms scientist Dr. S, flanked by another scientist)

Mike: (as S) Trust me, that Glinda is bad news! Look what she did to my nose!

S: If we put Operation Meteor in motion, 2 billion people will die. Don't you think we're going too far for Heero Yuy's revenge?

Mike: Hey, they're officers in the Confederate army!
Tom: That explains a lot about the cockamamie philosophy in this series.

Blond guy: This operation's purpose is not revenge!

Crow: (southern accent) It's about history!

Blond guy: It's so the people of the colonies conquer Earth and begin the awakening of the new human race.


"They're officers in the Confederate army!"

Mike: (southern accent) The South will rise again!
Tom: (prosiac) So will the Hunley.

S: Indeed, that is something Dekim of the Barton Foundation would come up with.

Crow: (southern accent) He is no gentleman!

Blond guy: That's what you don't like. (Thumps his chest) My father conquering Earth doesn't amuse you! (He strides past the other two men)

Tom: (placating) It's not that it's not amusing, it's just that some people can't tell a joke properly.

S: Where are you going, Trowa?

Blond guy: I'm reporting you to Father.

Mike: Father Flanagan?
Tom: Father Mulcahy?
Crow: (with authority) Father Christmas! 'Tis the season!

(S stops the other scientist from protesting)

Blond guy: Better watch it. I'll start Operation Meteor myself if I have to.

(He smirks. A shot rings out. The blond guy pitches forward. Behind him, the other scientist is holding a smoking gun.)

Tom: (snidely) Nobody likes a snitch!
Crow: He was way too old to be a Gundam pilot anyway. He was, what, at least 18?

(Screen is now mostly taken up by the body, with the two scientists barely seen in the background)

S: Now you've done it!

Mike: You further convoluted the plot!

Scientist: I'm sorry. I have family on earth.

Tom: (as body) Oh, you said some things, I said some things...oh, you don't mean me...

(There's a tinkling metallic noise off to the side)

S: Who's there?

Crow: 'tis I, the plot fairy!

(Trowa steps out of the shadows with his hands held up and walks toward the scientists)

Trowa: I have no name. So you can call me No-name.

Tom: (bad French accent) I am also French, so I am surrendering.

(The scientist raises the gun again)

Scientist: You saw!

Crow: (southern accent) Carpetbagger!

Trowa: You can kill me if you like, but I might resist a little.

S: Stop. They'll find out soon enough. It's useless trying to cover it up.

Mike: The John Dean of mad scientists

Trowa: You give up easily.

S: What?

Mike: (as Trowa) But you don't listen so good.

Trowa: (dropping his arms) It's been inconvenient not having a name.

Tom: Establishing credit's been a real bitch.

Trowa: I could take his name if you want.

Crow: Yes, no one will ever notice that I have the same name as the sole heir to the Barton Foundation.

Scientist: What are you saying?

Mike (as Trowa) You, too, don't listen so good.

Trowa: The stage of battle suits me best. (He looks up at the Gundam)

S: Are you suggesting you take Heavyarms?

Trowa: I like this machine. However, I have no interest in taking over Earth.

Mike: I just wanna randomly kill things.

(Close-up of S. He slowly smiles)

S: Okay. From now on, you are Trowa Barton. I entrust you with Operation Meteor.

Crow: But not with Operation Petticoat

Trowa: Understood.

(There is some fancy animation where the camera seems to go through Trowa's solemn eye. There is a flash of bright lights. Duo gasps and flinches, but the rockets impact the corridor behind him. Fire races up the corridor, away from Duo, toward the stand-off between Heero and Wufei. Steam impacts the side of Wufei's Gundam, shoving it to the side. Scowling, Wufei braces himself. He looks toward Heero's mobile suit, but Heero has vanished. Wufei looks at the empty seat of the opposing mobile suit without expression)

Crow: (as Wufei) I am mildly concerned over the escape of my enemy.


"I am mildly concerned
over the escape of my enemy!"

(Meanwhile, Duo is just beginning to realize that Trowa fired over his head. He pops the hatch to his suit and exits, but Trowa has vanished.)

Duo: He always has to make it complicated.

Mike: He's into string-theory physics.

(Duo pushes off and floats into the blackness)

(There is a shot of a bunch of ships flying in space)

Tom: And these guys are...?

(Sally and Noin are monitoring the ships)

Sally: The Taurus units ahead of us are heading for the transit station.

Noin: They're taking the long way, but their destination is Earth.

Sally: The Preventer cruiser will arrive from the moon base soon. I suppose we could buy them some time...

Noin: Any word from Heero?

(Sally shakes her head)

Mike (as Sally) I am not HotLips Houlihan!


"I am not HotLips Houlihan!"

Noin: I see...

Crow: With that hairstyle, honey? I doubt it.

Noin: (urgently) Sally, did you notice any new mobile suits in that fight?

Sally: No, there were only Tauruses and Leos.

Tom: Geminis and Virgos were too stuck up to come.

Noin: I've underestimated them! (She begins plugging data into her computer) No thermal readings!

Sally: That unit is mostly mobile dolls.

Crow: Barbies with roller skates?
Tom: (with sudden interest) SAAAAY!

Noin: Yes. The new mobile suits are being deployed somewhere else.

Sally: It's a well-planned decoy.

Mike: Obviously not devised by anyone involved with the plot

Sally: But where is the main unit?

Noin: (without answering) We'll leave here. Send an urgent message to Earth.

Sally: Roger.

Crow: So, anyone on Earth will do, then.

(Long shot of the Earth from space. People are going about their Xmas shopping. From her office, Une looks out over the city.)

Une: People still do not see Mariemeia as a threat.

Crow: (as Une) They should be more wary of militia-backed 8-year-olds

(The first few snowflakes fall. Une looks up to see a flurry of snowflakes in the sky.)

Tom: Wow, the ash cloud from that military base Heero destroyed is really traveling!

Une: (as she watches the snowflakes) With no defense, a political change on Earth will take less than 5 minutes.

Mike: So the new theme of the movie is that total demilitarization is a bad thing?

Une: What shall we do, Treize?

Mike: (as Treize) Well, going out in a glorious blaze worked for me!
Tom: (as Une) Incidentally, how long was this Leia Barton affair going on behind my back?
Mike: (as Treize) Whoops, look at the time.
Tom: (as Une) You couldn't at least mention that you had a kid?
Mike: (as Treize) Got go back to being dead now.
Tom: (as Une) Typical.

(On Quatre's ship...)

Technician: Scrap satellite on radar!

Crow: On Gary Burghoff?! Get it off him!

Tech: Approximately 180 minutes to target contact.

(Somewhere in space: irregular objects are floating. Type at the bottom of the screen identifies one spiky dark lump as "MO-3".)

Crow: Someone put the Pillsbury Doughboy's timer on extra crispy.

(Lines of the Jawa-esque mobile suits that Trowa was piloting are seen.)

(Dekim is speaking to the troops)

Dekim: My plans are perfect. I'm not like Quince.

Mike: Who?
Crow: Blond guy who led the White Fang, remember?
Mike: Oh, the sleazy one, right.
Tom: Somehow, for me that doesn't narrow it down much...

(A shot of the L-3 colony)

Tom: Sheesh, this has more jump cuts than Devilfish!

(A pan over the city inside the L-3 colony. A military-type helicopter is flying across the city. Inside the copter, Relena and Mariemeia are speaking)

Relena: Conquer Earth?

Crow: (brightly) I'd love to!

Relena: Do you think you're following Treize's--no, your father's wishes by doing that?

Mariemeia: Not quite. I want to become a victor.

Relena: Then shouldn't you think for yourself what it means to fight?

Mariemeia: Relena, please don't make me repeat myself. I will not tolerate rude remarks.

Tom: (as Mariemeia) Think for myself...why, the very idea!

(And another cut to the copter flying over the city. The camera scans to two figures watching the copter from a nearby rooftop. Fuzzy shading indicates that they are using binoculars.)

Duo: Ah, there's no way we're gonna catch up.

(Cut to Duo and Heero. Duo has the binoculars)

Duo: Probably heading for the spaceport. They're sure in an awful hurry to get to Earth.

Tom: (as Heero, laconically) Big sale at Mervyns.

Heero: They're going to escape.


"Big sale at Mervyns"

Duo: Escape? Then why did they take over the colony in the first place?

(Heero stares silently over the city. Apparently Duo can read something into this)

Duo: (urgently) Oy, wait a minute! She's supposed to be Treize's daughter!

Crow: Whom I never met and constantly battled against but whose memory I now revere.

Heero: I'm concerned about the man called Dekim.

Mike: Do you think he's eating well? He looked awfully pale during that last ultimatum.

Heero: The name Dekim Barton rings a bell.

Duo: Are they serious? Are they really trying to put the true Operation Meteor into action?

Heero: We won't let it happen.

(The sun completely dwarfs Quatre's ship as retro rockets fire.)

Tech: Master Quatre, we'll make contact with the satellite in 20 seconds.

(Quatre is in a full space-suit, helmet on. The stars are reflected in his visor)

Quatre: Understood.

Rashid: If you think it's dangerous, please come straight back to the ship.

Quatre: (sighing) I will.

Mike: Yes, Mommy


"Yes, Mommy."

Quatre: I see it!

(The scrap satellite is heading for Quatre's ship at an angle)

Rashid: Starting countdown

(Quatre stares grimly at the scrap satellite as it passes)

Crow: (as Quatre) Is it too late for me to bail out of this movie?

Rashid: 7 - 6 - 5 - 4

(Quatre's crew looks on in concern)

Rashid: 3 - 2 -1

(Quatre still stares grimly at the satellite)

Crow: (as Quatre) I mean, I'm young, I'm rich, that Dorothy girl sorta likes me, she stuck a sword through me, that's gotta mean something -- I don't have to be doing this sequel...

Rashid: Zero!

Mike (as Wing Zero) What? I'm napping, here!

(A harpoon with a line buries into the satellite's side.)

Mike: (as crusty old sailor) Arg, I see the spout of the great white!

(Quatre slides along the line to the satellite. There is an unexpected jerk. Quatre is thrown screaming off the line.)

Rashid: Master Quatre!

(Quatre is tumbling head over feet. He lands hard against the satellite's side. There are collective gasps from his crew, but Quatre's voice is soon heard.)

Quatre: I'm -- I'm all right. I made it.

(Quatre slowly stands.)

Quatre: You all take care! My regards to the Goddess Venus!

Tom: (singing) Venus--Oh, Venus--
Crow: Weirdly enough, a horde of fangirls will be sorely disappointed if this guy does find a little girl to thrill...

(Quatre lowers himself into the dark satellite as his crew takes off.)

Quatre: The rise in temperature has been minimal due to the air left in the satellite. But this is hotter than the desert!

(He takes off his helmet and sighs heavily before smiling down on the Gundam)

Quatre: Hi. We meet again.

Tom: (as Sandrock) *hic* 55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer--
Crow: (as Heavyarms, tearfully) Shut up, shut up! Make him stop! He's been doing that the entire trip!
Tom: (as Sandrock) Hi, Quatre--hey, waitaminute, aren't you the one that sent us on our way to fiery doom?


"55 bottles of beer on the wall..."

(Back to the really lumpy Doughboy-esque MO-3)

Mike: Such graceful aerodynamic lines.

Tech: The Preventer cruiser has changed course.

Dekim: They finally noticed, but too late. By the time they reach this satellite, the ruler of Earth will have changed. Launch Serpent Unit!

Tech: Yes, sir! Earth facing gates, open.

(Several ships containing mobile suits jettison into space. Looking toward Earth, they see a single bright spark that resolves into--)

Tech: Sir! Unidentified mobile suit approaching!

Dekim: What?

Tom: (sighing, then shouts with pauses) UN-I-DENT-I-FIED MO-BILE--
Mike: Is everyone in this series deaf?

Tech: Verifying suit type. (He zeros in on the suit) It's -- it's the Tallgeese!

Dekim: Treize! ... No, it's Zechs.

Crow: (foppishly) Treize wouldn't be caught dead in a suit that tacky

Tech: (shouting) Tallgeese, heading this way!

(The Tallgeese's faceplate is seen through the window before the craft is sliced into pieces and crashes toward the Earth)

Mike: Dekim's dead, movie's over.
Crow: Don't think that was Dekim's ship.
Tom: I knew we couldn't be that lucky!

(Meanwhile, the Tallgeese continues to slice and dice a lot of ships, none of which have Dekim aboard.)

(Finally, a shot of the pilot. Sure enough, it's Zechs)

Zechs: Hmph. My guess was right.

Mike: I was much too pretty to stay dead.

Zechs: It seems a man not used to peace is still of some use.

Tom: Although explaining how I survived would be useless, so we won't bother with that.

Tech: The Serpents can't attack because of their atmospheric shielding! Should we detach the shielding?


"The fries will overheat and get stale!"

Dekim: That isn't necessary.

Crow: (as Tech) But the fries will overheat and get stale!

(On the screen, Zechs' face appears)

Zechs: This is Preventer Wind.

Tom: You are to ignore my uncanny resemblance to Zechs Marquise and Milliardo Peacecraft.

Dekim: Zechs Marquise. I didn't think you were still alive.

Zechs: I was dead.

Mike: Oh, that explains it -- huh?

Zechs: But I can't sleep quietly in my coffin while the ghost of Treize is roaming around.

Tom: Suddenly it's an Ann Rice story!
Crow: Well, he is kinda un-dead looking.
Mike: "The Gundam Lestat"


"The Gundam Lestat"

(Zechs levels a Really Big Gun at Dekim's craft)

Zechs: I heard about you from Quince. Dekim Barton, disarm and surrender immediately!

Dekim: Hmph. Shoot, if you dare.

Zechs: What?

ALL: (big sigh, then shouting with pauses) SHOOT - IF - YOU - DARE -

Dekim: If you do, you'll find out the hard way that the Serpent Unit isn't our only secret card.

Zechs: You--!

Crow: -- look just adorable in that feathered cap!

Dekim: Didn't Quince tell you? I'm the one who planned Operation Meteor.

Tom: (as Dekim/PowerPuff Girls' Mojo Jojo) Yes, I, Dekim Barton, am the one who planned Operation Meteor, which was the mission that I planned. And I, Dekim Barton, who is not Quince, but am Dekim Barton, is the secret mastermind behind Operation Meteor. I, Dekim Barton, is the one who managed to remain concealed though-out 49 previous episodes, which is the number of episodes that I, Dekim Barton, was never ever mentioned in. But I, Dekim Barton, will now make up for this slight by taking over the world that is mine for the taking over. For I, Dekim Barton--
Crow: Mike, make him stop.
Mike: Tom, you know, a little Mojo goes a long way...
Tom: (pouting) But my Mojo was working!

(Meanwhile, Zechs and Dekim continue their chat)

Zechs: X18999...

Dekim: (evil laugh) Yes, we can drop the colony at any time. If you interfere any further, we will drop X18999 on Earth.

Zechs: (snarls)

Dekim: Drop your weapons and surrender. Unlike Quince, I have no intention of welcoming you as a leader, but if you want to become a soldier for our Miss Mariemeia, I'll consider it.

Mike: Quince is getting an awful lot of play considering he isn't even in this.

(Tons of mobile suit carriers head out of Dekim's ship head for Earth, deploying parachutes as breaking devices when they hit the atmosphere. Zechs watches grimly)

Crow: (as Zechs) You stole the idea of dropping something really big on Earth from me, admit it!

(Shot of Dekim on the bridge)

Tom: (as Dekim, childishly) Well, what if I did? You can't stop me, nyah, nyah!

(Tallgeese is silhouetted against the Earth before it takes off)

Tom: (as Zechs) Eh, well, Earth was over-rated anyway.

(Meanwhile, somewhere in the universe, a shuttle is taking off. It is guarded by Wufei's Gundam)

Wufei: Earth, show me what true justice is!

Mike (puzzled) Well, Justice is a starter with the Yankees, you can just buy a ticket if you need to see him.

(Inside the shuttle...)

Relena: Drop a colony on Earth! (She grabs Mariemeia by the shoulders) Stop it immediately. You mustn't do such a thing!

Mike: My bro tried it and it sorta didn't work out well.

Mariemeia: Miss Relena, please calm down. It will not be necessary if the whole of humanity kneels down before me.

Relena: Do you really think that is what will happen?

Mariemeia: It will happen if the former leader of the World Nation, Queen Relena, offers me the highest position in the Earth districts.

Crow: God.

Relena: What?

Tom: (sigh) This movie needs its hearing aid turned up.

Mariemeia: As Vice Minister, the colonies have trust in you. You have much more influence than you think.

Relena: That's why you took me.

Mariemeia: That is correct.

(Meanwhile, on the scrap satellite heading for the sun, Quatre is running diagnostics)

Quatre: The mass temperature is over 80C. I just have to imagine it's a sauna. (He sighs and wipes his face)

Crow: Fortunately the Pert Plus is keeping my hair lively and bouncy!

(Quatre pushes a button, then leaves the room. He floats down a corridor and sits down in a small room. He flips open a compartment on his suit's arm and pushes another button)

Quatre: Please...

Crow: (screaming unexpectedly) ...get me out of this movie!

(An explosion occurs mid-ship. Ponderously the craft turns away from the sun. Quatre flips open a wrist compartment and counts down from five before pushing another button. Cylinders that do who-knows-what spark and blow up. The craft hurtles away from the sun.)

Quatre: (as the craft shakes around him) At least it will be a bit cooler.

(There are lots of explosions)

Mike: Oops, Quatre miscalculated.
Crow: No, scene change.
Tom: What! Why don't they let the audience in on these things?

(Red-shirted guards are running from the explosions, but several get caught up and vaporize)

Mike: Burger King! Burger King is attacking!
Crow: They're using those Pokeball toys! High suffocation risk! Run!

(Out of the smoke, Heero and Duo sprint. Both are holding automatic weapons)

Trowa: (as a voice over) Operation Meteor. That's what we called the Gundam-to-Earth drop plan.

(A red-shirt fires down the hallway after Duo and Heero)

Tom: (as red-shirt) Take that, you whopper-lovers!


"Take that, you whopper-lovers!"

(Duo and Heero return fire as Trowa's voice-over continues)

Trowa: It was originally something completely different.

Crow: It was originally good.

(There is a close-up of Trowa's eyes as he runs numbers into a computer. Meanwhile, Duo and Heero continue to fight)

Trowa: It was to increase a colony's rotation speed and destroy the equilibrium at a LaGrange point, hence dropping it on Earth. With the Earth in chaos, the Gundams attack and take over.

(Duo throws a grenade, driving the red-shirts back. He and Heero race away)

Trowa: That was the entire plan of the original Operation Meteor.

Crow: You just have to take my word for it.

(Heero and Duo pause next to a big door. Heero taps in an entry code as Duo tosses more grenades. The door opens; the boys sprint in. They stop and gape in surprise. Red-shirted soldiers are scattered left and right.)

Mike: Y'know, it's always the red-shirts on the away team that bite the dust.

(Trowa is sitting at a computer terminal)

Trowa: What kept you?

Duo. Well, well. Looks like our goal is the same.

Trowa: I need help.

Mike: (as Trowa) The producers have given me a sudden identity crisis, plus I'm carrying the entire plot.
Tom: (as Heero) Well, that shouldn't be too heavy.
Crow: Ouch!

Trowa: The system is locked, and I'm having trouble restoring the colony's safety levels.

Duo: (wearily) Right, right.

Crow: We're stuck in the movie, so what the hey.

(Duo and Heero sit at other computer terminals and start hacking)

Heero: We better hurry. They've started the main plan.

Tom: And "Audience Confus-o" is working.

Duo: (as he works on another terminal. For the first time it's clear that he is wearing a headset) Can't unlock the final key. Have to connect the circuits directly.

Trowa: I've got important colleagues on this colony. When I realized Dekim's goal was to implement the original Operation Meteor, this was the only method I could think of. But it's taken me too long to get here.

Crow: Dekim was kinda cheesed about his son being dead and me taking over his identity an' all, so it took a couple of days before he let me have security clearance.

Duo: What about Wufei? Did he become Mariemeia's soldier to prevent the mission?

Heero: He doesn't do things in such a roundabout way.

Mike: He just likes blowing stuff up.

(After punching a few more buttons, Heero breaks the code)

(Trowa turns to look at Duo)

Mike: (as Trowa) Is this really the most appropriate time to be listening to your rap tapes?


"Is this really the most appropriate
time to be listening to your rap tapes?"

Trowa: It's done.

Duo: (over his headset) This is Duo.

(In space, on the Preventer cruiser...)

Sally: Is that true?

Noin: You've prevented Operation Meteor!

(Suddenly, a close-up of a weapon charging up)

Tom: (as Duo, panicky) Wait, we can start it up again if you feel that strongly--oh, wait, it's him.

(The Tallgeese is leveling its weapon on Dekim's satellite)

Zechs: This is Wind. Destroying MO-3!

Crow: The Pillsbury Doughboy, no!

(Zechs fires. A centralized explosion causes many smaller explosions. However, a shuttle escapes out of a collapsing hanger.)

Mike: Stuff blowing up real good again.

(Close-up of Zechs)

Tom: (as Zechs) Let's see...why did I do that after all the fighters disembarked for Earth?

Dekim: (in the shuttle) You were too late. We shall meet again.

Zechs: (snarls)

Mike: (as Zechs, rapturously) He asked me, he asked me!

(Back to the computer room on the colony)

Trowa: We didn't make it.

Crow: What-ever it was we were trying to do.

Heero: Don't worry. It's enough that we saved the colony.

Voice: (from outside) You're completely surrounded, come out quietly!

Tom: The continuity cops! Quick, hide!

Trowa: It's over.

Duo: Not quite! We've got an email from Quatre.

(Video plays of Quatre)

Quatre: This is Quatre.

Mike: I'm saying that in case the movie's gone blind as well as deaf.

Quatre: I've launched the scrap satellite toward Earth. It will reach Earth's orbit within 24 hours.

Heero: Duo, send Quatre a message. Tell him to launch Wing Zero in the direction of AGS88.

Duo: What?!

Tom: (as Heero) Take that thing out of your ear and listen to me!

Heero: I'll receive Wing Zero in space.

(Outside, a host of red-shirts are trying to get in)

Trowa: There's a shuttle in hanger 4 you can use.

Heero: Duo, I have one more favor to ask.

Duo: (smirking) This is extraordinary. So many favors for you.

Heero: Hit me.

Duo: (starting) What did you say?

ALL: HIT HIM!

Voice: (from outside) Force the door open!

Heero: Hurry up!

Duo: (doubtfully) Okay. (He cracks his knuckles with a sudden grin) I'm going to go for it.

(He punches Heero in the jaw. Heero's head snaps to the side--)

Tom: (heavily sarcastic) Oh, ow.

(-- but he promptly punches Duo in the gut. Duo's eyes get very wide. He gasps for air)

Heero: (coolly) No hard feelings. One for one.

(He hands the collapsed Duo to Trowa.)

Heero: I'll leave it to you.

Mike: (as Trowa) But I didn't get you anything!

(Trowa slings Duo across his shoulder. Heero lays down at his feet as if he's also unconscious. The red-shirts break in.)

Trowa: Don't worry. I've got them.

Crow: (as random red-shirt) Even though you were a Gundam pilot and pretended to be our boss's dead son before being publicly denounced, we trust you implicitly.

(As the red shirts crowd around Trowa, he hands Duo off to one of them. Heero gets to his feet and sprints away. A horde of red shirts screaming "stop" tear after him. The camera closes in on Trowa's face)

(Closing credits roll over a series of fast-cut scenes)

(Snow falls on a big city as mobile suits land. Dekim steps onto Earth.)

Crow: Let's see, why was I going to destroy Earth by plopping a satellite on it if I was going to start a franchise here? Oh, well, I'm here now; might as well enjoy the fresh air!

(A shuttle lands as Relena's solemn face is superimposed over it.)

Mike: I am mildly concerned about Dekim's takeover of the Earth.

(Wing Zero is sent into space as Quatre watches)

(Scrambling red-shirts are unable to prevent Heero taking off in a stolen shuttle)

(Mobile suits guard a snow-shrouded palace.)

(In their shuttle, Noin and Sally stare intensely at their console screen)

Tom: (as one or the other) I can't believe they kicked Sean off the island!

(A white mobile suit hovers over the ground as Une's hair blows back in the wake)

Tom: (mimicking a shampoo ad) Once again, heat is your friend.


"Once again, heat is your friend."

(Duo is pushed into a cell by red-shirts and Trowa)

(Wufei floats in his Gundam over Earth's atmosphere)

Mike: I am mildly concerned about my betrayal of the other pilots--well, no, I'm just taking a nap.

(On Earth, the mobile suits that are guarding the palace watch as Mariemeia stands in the snow. Relena looks solemn, then casts a despairing glance up at the sky)

Crow: (sigh) I so hate snow...

(In space, a shuttle streaks toward Earth. There is a close-up of the grim young pilot. Heero)

Tom: (brightly, as Mike picks him up) Well, now that I've seen that montage, the movie makes a lot more sense. NOT!

(Mike and the 'Bots exit)


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