The Way
Part 2-Phase 6b
By: Sailor Jes
E-mail: Sailor Jes@aol.com
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Greetings, all.
Well, this is the last phase of my fic. While I usually try to avoid overly-
long author intros, I feel like I need one now because there are a lot of things
I need to say.
First, I'd again like to pay tribute to some people who have helped me in many
ways with this fanfic. Lucy Maud Montgomery who wrote the "Anne of Green
Gables" series that this fanfic was loosely based on. Read the "Anne" series,
all 7 books, if you haven't. They're the best. Sarah McLachlan, whose angelic
songs and voice, provided my mental soundtrack to this fanfic. Buy her CDs.
Sarah is a true artist, in every sense. To the countless other
singers/songwriters whose songs gave me inspiration. To A Sailor Moon Romance.
Without Andrea (and Artemis when he was here), you wouldn't be able to read this
and other fanfiction. Take some time to thank them. And last, to all of you
guys who read my fanfics. You are the fan to my fire (no pun intended.) I
dedicate this last phase to you all.
Second, I've been toiling over this fanfic for over a year now and finally
finishing it leaves me with a bittersweet feeling. In one way, I'm ecstatic.
I've pictured this last phase in my mind for over 2 years now. To see it
finished it my greatest joy and satisfaction. Yet, I'm also sad. This story
has been with me for a long, long while. It's end marks the end of one period
in my life. And, sadly, this might also be the last Sailor Moon fanfic I ever
write. But, who knows? YOu shouldn't count your chickens before they're
hatched, ne?
Well...the standard disclaimers. Sailor Moon doesn't belong to me. This
fanfiction does. No reproduction without my permission.
Please, e-mail me and tell me what you think.
Love ya!
Jessi
P.S. E-mailing me has its rewards. For all those that do, I'll put you on my ML
and you get first priority on reading my fics.
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"War is like love, it always finds a way."
-Bertolt Brecht
********
Someday
My friend:
We will
know Love -
Of its existence.
In time
Existing within it:
Becoming part of it.
You and I.
- Jonivan
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As if finals weren't enough, Usagi worried about finding work after college.
She had known the profession she chose, writing, would be one where work was
scarce. But, she never realized that finding a job would be like searching for
the Holy Grail. Every newspaper, magazine, and publisher she called or visited
had no need for an additional writer. "We need a mail clerk" one small
community newsletter had told her. Sorting mail all day was not her idea of a
meaningful career. Usagi grew more apprehensive as the days wore by. She had
nine more days until graduation and she still had not one offer.
"Keep digging, Usagi-chan," Ami told her. "You'll find something...eventually."
So Usagi was surprised when opportunity decided to knock...er...call her up one
evening.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Tsukino Usagi, please," asked a male voice, slightly familiar.
"Speaking."
"Usagi. This is Osaka Masao, Naru's dad."
"Osaka-san! Hi. How are you?"
Usagi said she was fine and asked about Naru and Umino. Having a great time in
Hawaii, she was told.
"Usagi, I called because I need a favor," Naru's father said.
"Okay," she replied hesitantly.
"You know I still own the magazine, right?"
Usagi said she did. Naru's father ran a home and garden magazine. It had a
small circulation but its subscribers claimed that if you had a leaky faucet or
a problem with your gladiolas, that Osaka-san's magazine was the place to look.
"Well, I have a postion opening in a few weeks and no one to fill it. It's not
a bad job, small features, captions, small stuff like that. Naru told me you
were an aspiring writer and I was wondering if you could fill in? It could be
temporary if you want but I'd..."
Dumstruck, Usagi stopped listening. Could this be possible? Was Naru's father
offering her a real job? Working on a real magazine? As a real writer? And
she could go live back home!
"Hello?" Naru's dad asked.
"Oh!" cried Usagi. "Oh, my God, yes! I would love to. That would be...This is
wonderful!"
Naru's father chuckled. "I see you're enthusiastic. That's always a plus."
"Osaka-san, you don't know what this means to me! Thank you, thank you, thank
you!"
"Okay, Usagi. I'll fax you over some paper work and I'll get in touch with you
once I find out more details."
"Great, thanks," exclaimed Usagi.
"No, thank you. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."
"Bye."
Usagi hung up the phone and then squealed. "I got a job!" she cried, jumping up
and down, all over the apartment.
*******
After celebrating with Ami, Makoto, and Minako, Usagi wanted desperatly to tell
Mamoru. She called his apartment but no one picked up. Throughout the day,
Usagi dialed him up. She called Rei to tell her the good news...and to ask had
she seen Mamoru.
"I haven't," Rei replied. Her tone, wistful, almost sad, did not pass by Usagi
undetected.
"Do you know where he went?" she asked.
"He...uh...left this morning." Had Rei's voice just quivered?
"Left?" Usagi asked. "Where?"
"All he told me was that he got a call from some university in America this
morning and that he had to go. He said it was urgent-" Rei paused and and
sighed. "I don't really know where he went or when he's coming back. He was in
such a rush that we only talked for like a minute."
Usagi felt her heart drop to her feet. He couldn't even call her? Well, Rei
said he had been in a rush. And it was in the morning. Maybe he hadn't wanted
to wake her? Still, she was his friend. He should have called her.
"Oh," she remarked. So many things rushed through her head that she hadn't an
idea what to say. Did he go to America? Why? Graduation's in a week. Will he
be there? Will he call me from America?
Rei changed the subject. "So you're leaving us, huh?"
"Hmm?" Usagi asked.
"You're going back home. I'll miss you. It won't be the same here without
you."
"Oh. Yeah."
"What do your parents think?" inquired Rei.
"Well...they seemed happy that I got a job. But, my dad was a little
disappointed that it isn't in Tokyo. But, I gotta do what I gotta do, right?"
Sighing, Rei replied "It seems like everyone's leaving."
Something final and sad lay in her words. Usagi didn't even want to ask what
Rei had meant by that. She thought she already knew. There was an akward
silence and then Rei said she had to go. Usagi hung up the phone and gazed up
at her room.
This was it, she realized. Graduation was in a week and then...Well, then came
real life. She was going back home...but leaving behind her friends, her
family, and everything she knew. Then, was it really "home" she was going back
to? People change and forget. All those people back home had probably already
discarded Usagi into the shadows of their brains. She would have to begin anew.
Friends and stability would have to be rebuilt. The idea scared her. It seemed
just as she was about find comfort and security, it became farther from her
grasp, like a dog being strung along by a rubber toy. And, she hadn't even
thought about everyone else. Minako, Makoto, Ami and Rei had seemed pleased for
her, but were they being sincere? Usagi wondered if they were hurting now,
knowing one of their friends was leaving them, possibly forever. Or worse yet,
what if they didn't really care? Dismissing the idea, Usagi knew that that
couldn't be true.
Her thoughts rambled onto Mamoru. For the first time, she realized she would be
leaving him. Real dread crept to her heart. How would she manage not being
able to see him whenever she wanted? And, when she left, would he finally
settle down with Rei? No. Shaking her head abrubtly, Usagi reminded herself
that she refused to let her feeliongs for Mamoru govern her life. With that,
she decided absolutely that going to wortk for Naru's father was the best thing
that had ever happened to her. Besides, Tokyo was only five hours away. She
could visit on weekends.
Still...Why couldn't Usagi's heart pick one emotion? Why did it have to feel
thrilled and terrified and resolute and doubtful all at once? Sighing, Usagi
concluded that this was they way it was to be, at least until she left.
Dismissing her problem at hand, Usagi opened up a textbook and began stdying for
her finals.
********
It was eerie. Walking out of her last class ever. School, up to that point,
had been her life. She had called herself a student. Now, as she treaded out
her last final, Usagi realized that those days were over. Graduation was in
three days. She would be off to her job at the magazine in a week exactly.
Despite this, however, Usagi wasn't shaken. She felt a calm sense of finality.
This was one more ending to add to her collection-porcelain figurines in a
display case.
What did disturb her, though, was that she still hadn't been able to reach
Mamoru. She didn't even know if he had returned from America, yet. Graduation
loomed over them like a determined mosquito; he should be here! Not only was
she concerned for his sake, but she was also worried about hers. What if he
didn't return by the time she had to leave? What if she never got to say
goodbye? In her mind, that last goodbye was essential. Usagi's dreams had made
big plans for that farewell. It had to be emotional and passionate, full of
angst and longing. It was supposed to be a revelation. But, it couldn't happen
if one party was absent!
Grumbling inside, Usagi was determined to have her way. She decided she would
go to Mamoru's apartment to see if he were home. After all, maybe his phones
were broken...
******
It turns out they weren't and Usagi still couldn't get in contact with Mamoru.
She was furious and disappointed and troubled all at the same time. So,
Graduation came and Usagi should have been happy. Sitting in her black robe and
hat, she glanced around the large auditorium. Minako, Makoto, Ami, and her
whole family were in the audience watching. Rei was there, four rows in front,
garbed in her robes also, and she seemed overjoyed. How could she be if she
knew her boyfriend wasn't even attending the most important ceremony of his
life! Usagi folded her arms over her chest and blanked out the dean's speech
completely. It was all rubbish in her ears, anyways. Finally, they were to
begin calling out the graduates' names and giving diplomas. They went
department by department.
*
He was there! Usagi's heart twisted into a knot. She wanted to cry from relief
and scream in frustration. So he had gotten back just in time to receive his
diploma. She knew Mamoru wouldn't have missed this day. Even from where she
was sitting, she noticed he looked remarkably haggard. He was probably still
adjusting to the time difference. Or maybe he had just gotten off the plane and
rushed over here. Or maybe-Usagi caught herself in mid-thought. She had
shifted to the edge of her seat and sat up eagerly, like a puppy waiting for a
bisquit. Beaming, she realized how obvious she was acting and slouched back in
her chair guiltily. But, inside her heart, a party was being thrown in Mamoru's
honor. Seeing him put her at ease.
The rest of the ceremony (what was left of it) was free for Usagi to enjoy. She
spent her time, skimming through the graduates trying to locate him.
Eventually, she spotted him and her heart skipped a beat. she would speak to
him afterwards. she commanded the dean who was droning on.
"Today you will go forth blaa blaa...The world is a big place and yadda yadda
yadda...I pronounce you the graduating class of blaa blaa
blaa...Congratualtions!"
Usagi almost missed throwing her cap in the air since she was staring so hard at
Mamoru. But, she did and no sooner had it reached her hands again, was she
darting through the crowd in an attempt to catch Mamoru.
"Mamo-chan!" she cried, her voice getting drowned by the hordes of people.
"Mamo-chan!"
He was walking away, unbuttoning his robe, and oblivious to Usagi's cries.
Shoving her way through the people, Usagi was so close to him.
"Mamo-chan!" she called.
Spinning around, he looked right and left but couldn't see the only person who
would call him by that name. Usagi saw that he had heard her. She jumped up
and down, waving her arms.
"Mamo-chan! Over here!"
He spotted a blonde head pop up from the crowd and he grinned. He hadn't seen
those two Odangos for a while. Pausing, he waited for her to catch up. The
current of people finally deposited a smiling Usagi to his side. Suddenly, her
grin died and she smacked his arm.
"Ow! What was that about?" he aksed.
"Where were you? I was so worried. You can't call me and let me know what
you're doing. Gosh, Mamo-chan, I thought we were friends!"
The hurt was blatant on her face. He could tell that Usagi had been worried and
frustrated over him. And, well, could he blame her? Without any warning, he
had packed and left for nearly a week and a half, telling no one where he had
went. However, Mamoru figured that had he told Usagi exactly where he had gone
and why, that she would have gotten more upset. That was why he hadn't called
her. He wanted to tell her his own news, but suddenly Usagi was surrounded by
her family and friends.
"Usagi-chan! Congratulations!" "How does if feel to be a college graduate?"
"Welcome to the real world, Usagi."
Swarmed by the mass of people, Usagi glanced helplessly at Mamoru. She
plastered a smile on her face and accepted her praise. At this moment, Usagi
despised her loved ones. Mamoru chuckled, trying to hide his disappointment.
He had really wanted to tell Usagi his news. Oh, well. It would have to wait,
he supposed. Scanning the room, Mamoru's eyes fell upon one person. A tall man
he had never seen before was hugging her. The man's black hair was peppered
with grey streaks. He looked dignified. Rei, however, appeared genuinely
disinterested in him. A short, bald man, Rei's grandfather, also stood by her,
smiling proudly at his granddaughter. Mamoru felt akward as if the whole room
could tell that he was alone.
"I'll catch you later, Usa," he said.
But his words never made it to her ears as she was swept up in her praise.
Before walking away, Mamoru made one final glance over to Rei. He smiled sadly
and shook his head, treading down the aisle of the auditorium.
*******
"I'm sick of this game!" Usagi shouted, slamming the phone down.
"What game?" asked Minako, as she walked past Usagi's room.
Groaning, Usagi collapsed onto her bed. "This monotonous game of phone-tag that
I keep playing with Mamo-chan. Every time I call him, he's out and everytime he
calls me back, I'm out!"
Minako chuckled. "Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get in contact with him."
"Minako-chan, you're forgetting I leave tomorrow," Usagi sighed.
"Oh," remarked Minako, who suddenly became silent. She looked down, chewing on
her lip. "Usagi-chan?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't go."
Glancing up at Minako, Usagi smiled. "Minako-chan, you know I have to."
"Why?" Minako protested. "You can find work here in Tokyo. Why do you have to
leave?"
"Because..." was all Usagi could think of.
"Because why? Usagi-chan, I don't know what I'm going to do without you here.
I'm gonna pull all of my hair out and commit myself to a mental institution or
something like that."
Usagi knew the hystrionics were sincere. Minako had tears in her eyes.
"Minako-chan..."
"You're like a sister to me! How could you just leave like this when you know
how me and Mako-chan and Ami-chan and your family and even Mamoru-san need you!"
Looking away, Usagi felt a knot rise in her chest. She knew Minako had every
right to be hurt. Still, it was hard enough for Usagi to be packingup and
leaving everything that was dear to her, did Minako have to rub it in? "Minako-
chan, I have to do this. This may be my only chance to do what I want to do.
This is for my happiness.
No response came from Minako. Rising, Usagi walked over to her friend and
hugged her.
"I'll always be your friend, Minako-chan. And I'm only five hours away. We'll
see each other often."
Wiping her eyes, Minako said "Do you swear it?"
"Yup," replied Usagi, nodding confidently. "You guys are like the blood in my
veins. I need you."
Minako smiled and then giggled. "Stop talking in poems."
Usagi hit her playfully. "I'll talk how I want."
Just then, the buzzer to the apartment sounded. Minako raised her eyebrows.
"Ooh, a visitor. Coming!" she cried, bounding out of the room. Usagi shook her
head and resumed packing her clothes. Looking around her room, she suddenly
grew depressed. The walls, her closet, the floor, her dresser, everything was
bare. It was all in boxes lined up on the wall. Tomorrow she would leave. And
not see her friends or family for a long, long time. Usagi swallowed down a
funny taste in her mouth and folded another shirt.
"What's all this?" asked a voice.
Usagi, who jumped from the surprise of an intruding voice, spun around to see
Mamoru leaning in the doorway. An automatic smile broke onto her face.
"I've been trying to call you forever!" she cried.
"I know," replied Mamoru. "We haven't been able to talk."
"So, what's this major news you told me about on the answering machine?" Usagi
said.
Chuckling, Mamoru replied "It seems you've got some news yourself. What is all
this?"
Gesturing to the sparse room, Mamoru seemed puzzled. His grin was like molded
plastic on his face. Usagi, seeing this, paled. Her heart began thundering
away in her chest.
"Mamo-chan, you'd better sit," she said, pacing to the bed and patting on the
mattress.
He cocked an eyebrow, shrugged, and flopped down next to her. Usagi's breathing
was shallow and she shook her hands, trying to collect herself. Inhaling, she
began:
"I've been trying to get a hold of you so I could tell you this. Um...well, you
remember Naru-chan's dad?"
"Yeah, of course I remember."
"Okay. He owns a small magazine. Nothing fancy, just home and gardening stuff.
So, he had an opening and he offered it to me."
"Usa, that's great! It's what you've always wanted," he exclaimed.
"Yeah, but..."
"But, what? Usa, you're not happy? You got a-"
"Mamo-chan," she interrupted, holding up her hand. "I leave tomorrow."
The smile nearly slipped from his face. He caught it before it was too obvious
but, he still couldn't manage to look Usagi in the eyes. "Oh, so that's great,
too."
Wringing her hands, Usagi detected the temperature of Mamoru's voice drop about
20 degrees. He was angry at her, she could tell. "Mamo-chan, I'm sorry I
didn't tell you sooner."
He shrugged and looked at her. "That's okay. I was just hoping to spend some
time with you before I left."
"Left?" Usagi asked, tilting her head "Where are you leaving to?"
Mamoru sighed. "Well, that's why I came here. To tell you my news."
A suspicious, anxious smile was on Usagi's lips. "Okay..." she said hesitantly.
"You know I went to America, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, to be more specific, I went to Massachusetts. To Harvard University."
Still smiling, Usagi had confusion streaked across her face. Mamoru knew she
wouldn't piece it together. He'd have to tell her. Sighing, he took a deep
breath.
"Usa," he began. "They've accepted my thesis. I'm going to med school at
Harvard. I leave in two weeks."
Mamoru had expected Usagi to shriek and jump with joy. She was supposed to be
elated for him. His dream had come true and she was supposed to be as happy for
him as he had for her. Her smile twisted into a farce, saccharine grin. Usagi
felt her stomach plummet to her feet.
His words hit her with a dull thud-like a sandbag had been dropped on her feet.
She couldn't move. He...was...going...to...America. Masachusetts
no less. This image of a globe popped into Usagi's head. She pictured Japan.
Then on the other side of the globe she saw Harvard. How far away was that?
Like a million miles? With all of the emotions she felt, Usagi couldn't even
pretend to be happy for him. She felt her heart collapse, and with it the smile
on her face.
"What?" she spat.
Detecting her displeasure, Mamoru became defensive. "I'm going to Har-"
"I heard what you said," she interrupted. Shaking her head in disbelief, Usagi
continued "Why? Why Harvard?"
"Usa," he snorted. "It's Harvard. One of the best universities in the
"
"What's wrong with K.O.? Are you too good for that?"
"What's wrong with , Usa? Why are you acting like this?" Mamoru said, his
voice growing hotter.
"Oh, sorry, Mamo-chan. Maybe I should be doing cartwheels," she declared, her
voice dripping with sarcasm. "Do you know how far away that is?"
Standing, Mamoru held up his hands. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are angry?
At least I gave you more than 24 hours notice that I was leaving!"
Usagi shot up from her bed and glared at him. "I have told you I was
leaving if you hadn't packed up and left without any word of where you were!"
"Maybe the reason I didn't say anything to you was because I knew you'd act like
this!"
Usagi threw her hands up in the air. She felt so frustrated. Hot tears pooled
in the corners of her eyes. "I can't believe you didn't tell me!" Usagi
stomped her foot on the floor and turned away.
Mamoru stared at her back. The tired twilight sun was right in his eyes and he
squinted. Golden light silhoutted Usagi against the wondow. He wanted to yell
at her yet, he remained frozen in the moment. Arrested by something more sacred
than emotion. So, he waitd, holding in his breath.
"What does Rei-chan say about all this?" Usagi nearly wispered.
Wetting his lips, Mamoru shook his head. "We're over," he said frankly.
Spinning around, Usagi faced him, eyes wide, skin dyed gold from the setting
sun. "You dumped her?"
He shook his head. "It was mutual."
Usagi might have been happy. She might have thrown herself on the floor,
thanking the Lord above. Instead, it hurt even more. she thought.
She knew how Rei had felt about Mamoru. Rei had probably
had no other alternative. Better to go with grace to trip and fall over your
own feelings. Mamoru was nothing more than a butcher cutting away all of the
strings to his life. He had no regard for anything.
"So, that's is?" Usagi accused. "You got rid of Rei-chan. You're getting rid
of me. You're just taking out the trash, huh? Going to just forget everything
and leave to America."
"Usa!" Mamoru yelled. "What is with you? You're being such a hypocrit!
What about you? You're leaving tomorrow for a completely different life. Why
is my situation any different?"
"Because!" Usagi shouted.
"Because why?" he shouted back, stepping up to her.
She stared up at him-part-angry, part-afraid. Because, she wanted to say, I'm
in love with you.
"Because...it's half way around the world!"
Rolling his eyes, Mamoru snorted. "That's a great reason. It's not like it
matters. You're not going to be here anyways."
Usagi's lip trembled. "If you can't understand why it matters to me, I guess we
don't have the friendship I thought we did, Mamoru!"
Maybe it was the way she nearly spat the last word or the fact that she hadn't
called him Mamoru since their traumas in high school, but suddenly the word had
more power than an expletive. Mamoru stumbled back, his brow creased with hurt.
Breathing hard, Usagi glared at him. Then, without warning, he turned his back
on her and stormed from the room, slamming the door behind him. Usagi jumped
upon hearing the noise. She heard Mamoru open the door to her apartment, and
shut it. Suddenly, the quiet stung like lemon juice in a paper cut.
Usagi backed up and fell back onto her bed. What had just happened? Had she
really said those things? Had he really walked out? Rubbing her eyes, Usagi
tried to remember what had occured. But she couldn't. How had this started?
What did I say? Why did I react like that? How could he just walk out?
Somewhere, buried underneath all of the questions, a small voice in Usagi's mind
asked "Is this the end?"
And, then, everything stopped.
It was like the maddening questions had just been put on mute. Everything was
about that one question. She hadn't realized before, but she was holding in her
breath, afraid to let it go else something else would escape with it.
She left tomorrow morning. For good. Her last words with Mamoru had been
uttered already. Tears welled in her eyes because she wanted to remember then,
to remember. They had been unkind, this she could recall. Meant to
inflict pain. Had they? She would leave and so would he. Would he know that
pain was the last thing she would ever, want him to feel? Pain on her
account?
But, now...well, now there was nothing she could do. In her blinding, selfish
temper-tantrum, Usagi had forgotten her real emotions. She had been so hurt
that the words she really wanted to say had slipped her mind. And, tomorrow
morning she would be on a train back home. And in two weeks he would be on a
plane to the place on earth farthest from her.
Fingers trembling, Usagi clenched her fists. She had never made a mistake like
this before. This might be the day that she would look back on as an old
spinster, shake her head, and wonder "why?" The mental image of her hunched on
a rocking chair, wrinkled, grey, and alone, seemed the most terrifying thing
possible. Her chin began trembling along with her fingers and now her chest and
she sank down and buried her face in her pillow. It muffled her pained sobs.
She had forgotten to tell him...
Just then, Minako creaked open the slightly open door.
"What was tha-Usagi-chan! What's wrong?" she exclaimed.
Usagi wailed into the pillow grabbed at her pillow so hard her knuckles were
white.
"Usagi-chan!" Minako called, panic apparent in her voice. From Usagi's
hysterics, she thought maybe someone had died or she hadn't got the job after
all. "Usagi-chan!"
Makoto and Ami rushed into the room, obviously having heard the commotion from
outside. "Usagi-chan!" they cried at the same time.
But, their presence only made Usagi's lamentations multiply. They stroked her
hair and attempted to hush her. Her fits of anguish continued for the next few
minutes. Soon, however, they became intermitent sniffles and exhales. Minako
looked from Makoto to Ami. All had worried looks of concern on their faces.
Eventually, Usagi raised her head from the pillow. Glancing around, she wiped
her wet cheeks and again, felt her chin quiver.
"I...," she began.
"Usagi-chan, what is it?" Mako asked.
Usagi shook her head, staring blankly at the bed. "I..."
The three girls waited in anticipation of what she was going to say.
"I made a big mistake..."
Minako furrowed her eyebrows. "What do-"
"I need to be alone," Usagi declared.
Looking sadly to their friend, Makoto and Ami quickly rose from the bed and made
their way to the door. Minako remained next to Usagi, her eyes pools of concern
and sadness. From the way Minako was looking at her, Usagi knew that she knew
the truth. Minako always knew the truth when it came to these things. She just
wished she had believed her from the beginning. What pain she would have been
spared!
But, Minako rose from the bed, too, and walked out of her room. The sound of
the door closing echoed in her ears. So, here she was. Alone. Pathetic.
Usagi exhaled shakily and buried her face back in the pillow. Wishing she could
stay this way forever, she felt her chest clamp again. The tears would surely
come again.
Knock, knock, knock.
Three secure raps on her door caused her head to snap up from the pillow.
Creaking door, the door suddenly revealed Rei.
"Rei-chan," Usagi said.
Walking in, Rei closed the door behind her. "What's wrong, Usagi?"
Looking down, half in guilt, half in embarassment, Usagi mumbled "They told you
to come here to comfort me, didn't they?"
"Usagi don't be ridiculous. I have no idea what's going on with you. I came
here to say goodbye. But since you look like hell ran over you, then, yes, I
will comfort you."
Usagi cracked a brief smile as Rei paced over to her and kneeled next to her.
"Now, what's wrong?"
Heart thumping in her chest, Usagi figured Rei she could hear it thudding "Guil-
ty," "guil-ty." She swallowed the lump down in her throat and shook her head.
Sighing, Rei smiled.
"You can tell me anything, Usagi. We're friends," Rei assured her.
thought Usagi. "It's...nothing."
Rei sighed again and shook her. Usagi's cowardess was forcing her to take the
direct approach. "Was it Mamoru?"
Usagi couldn't have lied even if she had intended to. The startled look in her
eyes gave it away. Rei thought. She almost laughed when she heard Usagi's
throat squeak.
"How...oh, my God..." Usagi stumbled.
"Usagi," Rei said seriously. "I saw him leaving as I was coming up."
Clamping her mouth shut, Usagi burned with shame. Rei's stern gaze wasn't
easing her discomfort. Let's see...this would be the second friend she was
estranging today. Could this day get any worse?
"Rei-chan," she whispered. "I don't-"
"Wait, Usagi," Rei interrupted. "I have something to say before you begin."
Usagi inhaled and fought back another torrent of tears. Bracing herself for the
blow, she glanced up into Rei's eyes. She was surprised to see them soften and
gleam with something other than malice.
"I don't know what he told you about us," Rei began. "But it really was a
mutual break-up."
Usagi's forehead creased with confusion.
Rei continued. "We both wanted out. He claimed it was because he was going to
America. But I know better. America was the reason, yes. But, I think he
wouldn't have cut it off, if it had been another girl..."
Usagi opened her mouth to reply but Rei held her hand up, hushing her.
"And, me? I didn't want be the girl loved second best. I'd actually considered
ending it right when the two of you got back from that wedding...but I felt bad.
I didn't want to hurt Mamoru...because...I love him, but..."
Rei paused to wipe the corner of her eye. "...but, I could never be to
him...what you are."
Usagi almost burst out crying from an overwhelming sympathy for her friend.
Sensing this, Rei winked.
"Hey, so now I've told you this, I've poured my heart out to you, don't let it
be in vain, okay?"
Putting her arms aroud Usagi, Rei hugged her fiercely. "I'm gonna miss you,
girl."
Usagi hugged her back and cried. She hadn't lost another friend. Tightening
her hold on Usagi, Rei wept also.
"Write your heart out."
"Rei-chan?"
"Yeah?"
"I will...Thank you."
Rei released her and smiled. "Remember what I told you. Don't let my words be
in vain."
She stood and walked to the door.
"Wait, Rei-chan, what are you saying?"
"Usagi. What is it that you want?"
Usagi parted her lips and then blushed. Laughing, Rei turned the knob and swung
the door open.
"Good luck, Usagi," she said before stepping through the doorway and closing the
door with a soft thud.
********
It was 9:30 at night and Usagi knew she shouldn't be sprinting over to Mamoru's
apartment. She should have been packing the remainder of her things, or trying
to get some sleep. But, Rei's words kept reverberating in her mind: It could have been taken plenty of different ways. But
to Usagi, it meant only one thing. He had to know. No matter what. He might
slam the door in her face or laugh or turn her away. What did it matter? She
would cry. But hadn't she cried before? She would lose him. But wasn't she
already? So, it really matter.
Not even bothering to wait for the elevator, Usagi bolted up the stairs and soon
found herself standing in front of his door. Panting, she questioned herself
again. But before she could answer herself, she lay her
finger on the buzzer. Soon, he would be at the door wondering why she was here
and she would have to tell him. Very soon...
Shifting from foot to foot, Usagi wondered why he wasn't answering the door.
She pressed the buzzer again. And waited again. By now, her heart was
beginning to thunder with trepidation. She buzzed again. And again. Then, she
lay her finger on the buzzer for a good ten seconds. No answer.
Staring at the door with a look of horror and disbelief, Usagi could barely
believe her rotten luck. He wasn't home. How could he not be home? Here she
was, ready to pour her heart out to him, and he wasn't there! Cursing her fate,
Usagi kicked the door with the tip of her sneaker. She wanted to kick it again
and scream and bang on the door. But that wouldn't make him be there.
So resigned to "it wasn't meant to be," Usagi trudged down the hallway to the
elevators. She leaned her head against the wall and stared at the floor.
"Sorry, Rei-chan," she whispered.
Self-pity got the best of her then. The elevator came, she stepped in it, and
began crying. No hysterics, no sobbing or gut-wrenching wails like before.
Just tears sliding slowly down her cheeks. Walking from the building, she
wondered if that was the last time she would ever see it. Probably, she
figured, brushing a tear from the side of her nose. She shoved her hands deep
into her pockets and strided down the sidewalk as fast as she could.
The felt that this was The End. Something in her heart had withered and died
when Mamoru hadn't answered his door. She didn't want to believe that their
struggle, The Endless Battle that they had put themselves through could come to
this dull, anti-climax. There was nothing poetic about it.
Her walking eventually brought her to the park where so many Tuesday's ago she
and Mamoru had watched baseball games. Plodding down a tree-lined path, she
gazed up into the sky. It was so vast and eternal and elusive. She looked to
the stars and wondered if maybe people were meant to be like them-so numerous
yet never touching, never quite making it to each other. Sighing, she turned
her focus back to the earth. Usagi walked to the nearest bench and sat.
Shivering, she hugged herself.
she thought.
Usagi closed her eyes and pictured Mamoru. More specific, she imagined him on
her first day of Juuban. She'd known then. Deep down inside. She'd known
everything...how she loved him, how she hated him. Why couldn't she have
listened to that small, clear voice then?
Things weren't confusing. Maybe tragic, but she understood perfectly.
Squeezing her eyes shut, Usagi tried to restrain more tears. She imagined he
was whispering her name.
"Usa..."
Biting her lip, she heard it again, louder. "Usa..."
Usagi felt her chest quiver and her heart rate speed up. There, she felt one
tear slip from her clenched eyelids. When she felt a hand land on her shoulder
and heard "Usa!", she screamed and her eyes flew open to see a darkened figure
standing before. Usagi was about to shriek bloody-murder when the person
stepped forward. Half of his face was bathed in light.
"Usa, it's me."
Still jittered, Usagi beheld Mamoru, half in darkness, half in light.
Her jaw fell open and she stared mute up at him.
"Fancy seeing you here," he said. "Can I sit?"
Nodding, she scooted over on the park bench. "How...how'd you know I...I was
gonna be here?"
Shrugging, Mamoru replied "I didn't. I just came here. Why are you here? And
at this hour?"
"I was at your apartment. Looking for you."
"Oh," Mamoru said. "Funny, I'd gone to your apartment looking for you. Why'd
you go to my place?"
Usagi thanked the darkness for concealing the red stain on her cheeks.
Swallowing, she replied "Why'd you go to my apartment?"
Mamoru chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair. "To apologize."
Usagi's eyes widened.
"...And to find out," he continued, "The truth."
Her heart stopped. Her stomach clenched. Her legs went numb. "The truth?" she
squeaked.
"Yeah. Why you were really upset. You said if I didn't understand your
reasons, then I didn't understand our friendship. But, I can't accept that Usa.
I want to hear your reasons. I need to...I can't go on living half-way around
the world wondering 'What did she mean?' I don't know, Usa, I'm sorry. You
need to tell me, what our friendship mean to you?"
Hands visibly shaking, Usagi focused totally on not throwing up. Eventually,
she collected her nerves and began.
"Mamo-chan, I'm nervous, and sad, and most of all I'm scared."
"But, why, Usa? The only thing that's changing is our location...that's it."
"No, Mamo-chan! No, that's not the only thing that's changing. Don't you see?
It's the end! Of...of our friendship...of-"
"How can you say that?" Mamoru cried.
"How can I not! Mamo-chan, our friendship has made sense. It's been
dying since the beginning."
"I-I'm not sure what you're saying. We've had our hardships, yes, but all
friendships do...don't you think?"
Sighing, Usagi replied "Mamo-chan, why can't you understand that it's
different? You...you'll go to America and meet a pretty American girl and
forget all about me...and our friendship. I know it."
"Usa, how can you say such ridiculous things?"
Wrenching her eyes from her hands, she stared up into Mamoru's eyes. They were
brimming with tears and Mamoru almost felt his heart shatter.
"Mamo-chan, that's our way. It's always been our way..."
Mamoru exhaled and looked down. Suddenly, he felt an overwhelming sadness
inside. His throat felt like a vice and tears sprung to his eyes as well. No,
he didn't want to let her go. How could he tell her feared the same from her?
"Usa," he said, his voice trembling. He cleared his throat. "Usa, I
you, from everything I have inside me, that I won't forget about you...if you
don't forget about me."
Usagi stared up at him, her eyes so full of fear and sadness and something
else...something that Mamoru recognized but couldn't put his finger on.
"Oh, Mamo-chan," Usagi whispered. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For...for everything. For that first day at Juuban when I didn't forgive you
for calling me Odango. For acting like a stubborn idiot. For calling you
names. For that night at the Club..."
Mamoru blushed when she mentioned that.
"...I'm sorry for not being...as...thankful as I should have been. I'm sorry
things...have to change. Because Mamo-chan...I-I-"
Tears bursting from her eyes, she threw her arms around his neck. She buried
her face in the soft part of his flesh where neck met shoulder and cried.
Somewhat surprised, Mamoru held her against him, his own eyes wet. He realized
that, in their four years of friendship, they had never hugged like this. They
had never been so close physically and maybe even mentally. Mamoru set is chin
down on the top of her head. Her hair, it smelled so clean. If sunlight had a
smell, he thought, this would be it. It was that thought, of hair and sunlight,
that ripped at his heart. Suddenly, he was crying too. Squeezing his arms
around Usagi's waist, he couldn't believe that it was ending like this.
His hands on the small of her back was enough to make Usagi's heart freeze. She
never, ever wanted to move from this moment. She was forcing her mind to
remember everything- his cologne, the way his cottony shirt felt on her cheek,
how she seemed to fit perfectly into his arms. Because Usagi knew, that it was
going to be this moment that would console her when she didn't have him anymore.
Somehow they pulled away from each other. Usagi sniffled in the darkness and
couldn't bear to look up at Mamoru. All too grateful for that, Mamoru collected
his emotions. He had cried. He couldn't even remember the last time he had
cri-Wait. Yes, he did. It was a cold night and rainy, too. And Usagi had just
told him that she would never love him. It was always an ending...and it was
always her.
"Usa," he said. "Because why?"
"Huh?" she said, wiping her eyes.
"You were saying...'Because.' Because why?"
Looking up to him, Usagi pursed her lips together. This was it. She was going
to open her mouth and tell him. It would be easy. Just do it. Opening her
lips, she heard a squeak emit from her throat.
"Nothing," she heard herself say. "I can't remember."
What? No! That wasn't it. She wasn't supposed to say that. Why had those
words come out? Where had they come from?
"Okay," Mamoru replied. "Well, Usa, you should probably get some sleep if you
have a train to catch in the morning. I should bid you farewell."
Too shocked to protest, Usagi simply sat in the darkness, mind reeling, mouth
agape. Mamoru stood.
"Call me when you get there okay?" he said.
Usagi nodded and weakly raised herself from the bench. Smiling at her, Mamoru
said his goodbye's, turned and began walking away. No...her mind kept saying.
No, it wasn't supposed to be like this. No. What had happened to "I love you?"
The street lamps blurred. Everything blurred. Why was this--? Then, she
realized she as crying again. Involuntarily. He always made her do that. When
it came to Mamoru, everything Usagi did was a helpless reaction. Opening his
mouth, she tried to force out the words.
"Mamo-chan," she squeaked, not loud enough for anyone to hear.
"Mamo-chan," she said louder. Still, from his distance, he couldn't hear her.
And then, she moved her feet. She began walking, striding to catch up to him.
"Mamo-chan!" Turning, he looked back. Usagi broke into a sprint, closing the
distance between him. When she was no more than three feet away, she came to a
screeching halt. Breathing hard, she panted "I remembered what I was going to
tell you."
Raising his eyeborws, Mamoru listened. His heart was thundering in his chest.
He had had his suspicions, ever since Rei put the suggestion in his mind that
maybe...well...that maybe Usagi had a change of heart.
Gazing up at him, breathing hard, Usagi swallowed. She opened her mouth.
"I..." she began. Mamoru stared at her lips. Was she going to say it? "I..."
She exhaled slightly and caught her breath. Please Usagi, Mamoru pleaded.
"I..."
"I can't say it," Usagi said quitely.
Mamoru's heart nosedived to his feet. "What do you mean?" he stammered.
Shaking her head slowly, Usagi wrung her hands. "Why can't I say it?" she
whispered, her lower lip trembling.
"They're only words..." Mamoru said, reminding her of the words she had once
told him.
They were. Then what was so hard about saying them? Maybe, Usagi thought,
because they didn't exist. Words couldn't do her feelings justice. There were
some things that words couldn't communicate. Feelings can only be expressed
through feelings. And suddenly, she knew how she could tell him the words of
her heart.
She looked up at him. The look of anticipation on his face told her everything.
Suddenly, she lurched up on her toes, nose inches away from Mamoru's, hands
pressed on his shoulders. She heard him gasp slightly but she closed her eyes
and...
The next thing he felt was a set of lips brushing against his own, tender and
light. It lasted only seconds. His eyes bugged out. What was she doing?
Teasing him? Her lips were like gasoline poured over the flames he had been
trying to smolder. All of the emotions he had ever felt for her-adoration,
frustration, hate, joy, but mostly love-burst from his heart like a tidal wave
crashing down on the sands. Why, thought Mamoru, had that kiss, more of a
caressing of lips really, consumed him? He felt devoured by her. And yet, she
had barely touched him. He was too shocked to respond.
Usagi looked at the startled expression on his face. He was horrified, she
thought. What had she done? Wanting to turn and run, Usagi somehow couldn't
move her feet. Her knees, her thighs, her calves had turned to mush.
"That's...that's all I wanted to say," Usagi whispered. "I guess it didn't come
out right. I'm sorry."
Mamoru felt his chin quiver. Why was she apologizing? For that? He wanted to
cry. To drop down on his knees and beg her to kiss him again. He reached down
for her face, cupped it in both hands, and brushed the tears away with his
thumbs. Usagi's eyes widened as he brought his mouth to hers.
Half in darkness, half in the light of the streetlamp, they kissed.
When finally they pulled away from each other, Usagi stared up at Mamoru. He
was smiling slightly. Usagi licked her lips and whispered "You took the words
right out of my mouth."
Mamoru burst out in laughter and tears at the same time. Usagi joined him.
And, again, they savored each other's lips. The second time they parted, Mamoru
gazed down at Usagi. Looking up at him, Usagi said: "I think I'll call Naru's
dad and tell him I won't be coming for another week."
Grinning like a child, Mamoru nodded. "That sounds terrific." The his face
became serious. "Usa...since when?" he asked. "How long have you...?"
"For as long as you, Mamo-chan," answered Usagi. "I just didn't realize it
until I didn't have you anymore."
Mamoru sighed and took her hand in his. "Usa...I should have said it that night
outside the Club...what I meant to say...was, well...I love you. There, I said
it. I love you."
For one quiet moment, she gazed up at him, a pleseant smile on her lips. Here
eyes twinkled with gratefulness and adoration. Mamoru htought that he ahd never
seen anything lovelier than her face at that moment. A woman in love and
loved...he thought.
"And I," she responded at last, "Love you." She kissed the tip of his nose and
giggled. "Why were we so afraid to say it?"
Chuckling, Mamoru shrugged. "Usa, I promise, that if you wait three years for
me, if you wait until I get back from Harvard, I'll say it to you any time you
want me to...as long as we both shall live?"
Sucking in her breath, Usagi replied. "I promise you I'll wait."
Pulling her next to him, he embraced her. Usagi sighed against his chest and
felt all of her demons leave along with that breath. Then, Mamoru squeezed her
hand and the two began walking through the darkened park. "So, what should we
do now?"
"Hmmm," Usagi said. "I'm kinda in the mood for some ice cream."
Mamoru laughed. "Ah, yes, your favorite. Not one thing in this whole world
that's sweeter."
"Well," Usagi teased. "Maybe one."
Cocking a eyebrow, Mamoru asked "And what's that?"
Stopping in front of him, Usagi winked. "Me, of course."
Mamoru laughed. "You think so?"
"I know so."
"Prove it."
Wrapping her arms around Mamoru's neck, she whispered "Okay." Then, she closed
her eyes, pressed herself against him, and...well...you can probably guess what
happened next.
The End
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