Little Red Riding Hitokiri

Kenshin--A helpless Rurouni, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast in the title role of 'Little Red Riding Hitokiri'

Sanosuke--The master of Futae no Kiwami, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as Grandma.

Kaoru--The master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as herself.

Yahiko--A brat, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as the Kindly Woodsman.

And, last and most important:

Saitou--A complete badass and the epitome of coolness, NOT controlled by the Keyboard Of Doom(tm), since NO ONE controls Mibu no Ookami, but rather tempted into his role by a pot of home-made kake soba, and a genuine liking for his role, cast as the Big Bad Wolf.

KENSHIN: Ano...Katsu no Miko-san...what did you just force us to sign?

KNM: Oh...nothing much...just little contracts...that say that you agree to take part in my newest little fanfic.

KENSHIN: Oro.......

KAORU: What fanfic?

KNM: (cackles in a gleeful, bone chilling manner) A little piece that I'm calling "Little Red Riding Hitokiri."

KENSHIN: Ano...I'm not Hitokiri any more...

KNM: You're Hitokiri if I damnwell SAY you're Hitokiri, is that CLEAR?

KENSHIN: Hai!

KNM: (Smiles sweetly and passes out a set of scripts) These are your roles. Please look over the scripts, we'll be starting in a few moments.

(The cast looks at their scripts...all faces, except notably for Saitou's, go pale. Saitou merely lights up another cigarette and looks cool.)

YAHIKO: The Kindly Woodsman? What the hell kind of role is that!

KNM: Shut up, Yahiko...be grateful...there were other roles I could have given you.

SANOSUKE: NANI??? You have me cast as WHAT???

KNM: (Smiles smugly) Grandma. Can't you read? Don't worry, I have a perfectly lovely gingham dress for you to wear.

SANOSUKE: No way! I'm leaving! (Begins to walk off)

KNM: (Eyes glow red, voice deepens to demonic proportions) I don't think so (She taps a few keys, and Sano freezes in his tracks) Someone gave me a lot of dough to see you in a dress...and besides, if you have a problem, I'll HELP you get undressed. Now come back here. I plan on giving Chou his money's worth. (She taps a few more keys, and Sanosuke walks stiltedly back to the group, halting before her)

SANOSUKE: Nani?

SAITOU: Ahou. (Takes a drag of his cigarette) She's the author. You're too weak to mess with her.

SANOSUKE: (Glares at Saitou) OH yeah??? If you're so great, why don't YOU leave???

SAITOU: (Smiles) I happen to like the role that I've been cast in.

SANOSUKE: (Growls)

KNM: Now, boys, boys...no one is going anywhere. You've all signed contracts with me...

YAHIKO: You forced us to!

KNM: Shut up (Yahiko pales and falls silent) Now...as I was saying before I was interrupted...you've all signed contracts. I own you. And you will cooperate. Or else.

KAORU: Kowai...

KENSHIN: Oroooooo....

KNM: Ok, that's enough, people. Places. We need to get this fanfic moving.

KENSHIN: Orooooooooooo........

KAORU: KENSHIN!

KENSHIN: Oro! Nani, Kaoru-dono?

KAORU: (reading stiltedly from a script)Kenshin, we're out of tofu. Go to...grandma's? Wait, I don't have a grandmother.

KNM: (Like the voice of god, or, more accurately, the voice of someone a bit uh...lower than god)Just read the line, Kaoru

KAORU: (Glances nervously up at the sky) Go to...grandma's...and borrow some tofu.

KENSHIN: Hai de gozaru yo.

KAORU: (Someone offstage hands her a red cloak. She passes it to Kenshin) Take your red cloak and off with you to...grandma's...uh...dojo.

KNM: Try not to adlib TOO much, ok?

KENSHIN: Hai...Kaoru-dono.

KNM: Kenshin...after you say your line, you exit. Now would be a good time.

KENSHIN: Hai! (hastily exits)

(Scene change. In the forest. The Big Bad Wolf is leaning against a tree, smoking a cigarette. He flicks the butt away as Little Red Riding Hitokiri approaches)

SAITOU: (Draws katana) Himura Battousai...I've been waiting for you. You are weak.

KENSHIN: (Big eyes) ORO?

SAITOU: (Goes into gotatsu stance) I will kill you.

Kenshin: I am no longer a Hitokiri....

KNM: Kenshin, read the script.

KENSHIN: But the script is wrong, Miko-san!

KNM: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?

KENSHIN: No! No de gozaru yo!

KNM: Then read your line, the right way.

KENSHIN: *ahem* No, Big Bad Wolf, it is I who will kill you. (Looks uncomfortable) It's time to...uh...finish...uh...what we started in Kyoto. (Begins to draw his own katana)

KNM: Yahiko, you're missing your entrance. Get a wiggle on.

YAHIKO: (From off stage) Miko-san...I can't see!

KNM: Try turning the Daniel Boon hat around.

YAHIKO: Oh. (Walks in, stage right)Kenshin! Dame! Kaoru says you have to get the tofu! You don't have time for this.

KENSHIN: But I have to fight the...uh...Big Bad...uh...Wolf.

YAHIKO: Dame. Kaoru needs it now. You know how that busu gets when you don't hurry.

KAORU: (Offstage)Yahiko, I heard that....

KNM: Be nice to girls, Yahiko. (A bolt of lightening suddenly strikes Yahiko. He falls to the ground with a muffled erk.) You'll learn that it's a good idea.

KENSHIN: . . .

KNM: Did I say you could stand around, Kenshin? MOVE IT!

KENSHIN: (Hastily exits)

SAITOU: (Lights up another cigarette, leans back against tree) Ahou.

KNM: See what I have to work with here, Saitou-san?

SAITOU: Ee.

(scene change: Now in front of a new, homey dojo--Grandma's dojo. Grandma's rocking chair is empty...hey, wait a sec, that's not right.)

KNM: Sano...you're missing you're entrance.

SANOSUKE: There's no way in hell you're gonna make me wear a dress!

KNM: Sano, this is your last warning. I don't have time for this.

SANOSUKE: NO!

KNM: Ok then, you leave me no choice. I'll do what I said I would.

SANOSUKE: (There is momentary silence...then Sano screams) Don't! Don't!

(Sound of cloth tearing)

KNM: I told you that if you didn't do it yourself, I'd HELP you get undressed...

SANOSUKE: Don't look! Don't look! Dame!

KNM: Oooooooooh...very nice. Where did you find the undies with the little bunny rabbits on them? Oh well...off they go.

SANOSUKE: (Screams)

(Later...much later--Grandma is now properly seated on her rocking chair, looking annoyed and smug at the same time. KnM exits the dojo, a satisfied smile on her face. She disappears. Kenshin, on cue for once, comes skipping on stage.)

KNM: Does this worry you, Kaoru? He seems entirely too good at skipping.

KENSHIN: How rude.

KNM: I'm asking Kaoru, Rurouni Boy. It just makes me wonder, with all those doujinshi out there about you and Sano...

Kenshin: (Looks shocked)

SANOSUKE: Hey!

KNM: Sit down and shut up, grandma, or I'm going to show the world that pair of underwear.

SANOSUKE: (Sits down and shuts up)

KNM: Now get on with it, Kenshin. I don't have much patience left.

KENSHIN: (muttering)You didn't have any to begin with de gozaru yo.

KNM: I heard that

KENSHIN: Er...Ah, grandma!

SANOSUKE: Eh, Whaddya want?

KNM: Well...oh, close enough.

KENSHIN: I would like to borrow some tofu.

SANOSUKE: Yeah, take whatever.

(Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf appears)

SAITOU: It is time, Battousai.

KENSHIN: ORO?

SANOSUKE: Oi!

SAITOU: (Looks at Sano) Go take a nap.

SANOSUKE: Hey!

SAITOU: (Reaches out and non chalantly punches Sanosuke. Sano goes down like a ton of bricks.) Aku. Soku. Zan. (Goes into a gotatsu...and nails Kenshin. There is a lovely amount of blood and gore, and the Big Bad Wolf emerges triumphant.) I have now put him out of his misery.

KENSHIN: (Sits up, still covered with fake blood) Wait, that's not how the story ends!

KNM: Says who?

KENSHIN: Says everyone! The Big Bad Wolf gets defeated by the kindly woodsman.

SAITOU: Defeated by Yahiko. Ahou.

KNM: So? Who's the director here?

KENSHIN: ...You...

KNM: Correct. So who calls the shots?

KENSHIN: . . .

KNM: I can't hear you

KENSHIN: You de gozaru yo!

KNM: Correct. Now die already.

KENSHIN: (Dies in an appropriately melodramatic manner)

KNM: (As narrator) And that's the story of how the extremely cool Big Bad Wolf won a fight against an old, but now weak, opponent. This is how it should have happened. Ready for that soba I promised you, Saitou-san?

Saitou: Hai...as long as I am able to leave in time to get home to Tokio.

KNM: No problem, Saitou-san. Tokio-san is going to be eating with us. Come on.

SAITOU: (Walks off stage)

SANOSUKE: Oi! What about us?

KNM: Oh...go clean yourselves up and get some rest. I'll call you when I'm ready to write part two.

ALL: (except KNM and SAITOU, that is) WHAT?

KNM: Didn't you read those contracts you signed? They're for a series.

ALL: (Collective jaws dropping)

KNM: You didn't? Oops. Too bad. See you bright and early tomorrow on the set of Sleeping Hitokiri, kids.

SANOSUKE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!