Dark. Warm. Weightless. Comforting. Enveloping.
Ayanjou allowed himself to be cradled in the darkness, finding comfort in its motherly arms. Slowly, however, the warmth receded, leaving only a profound chill.
Isn't there supposed to be a light, when you die? Ayanjou mused quietly to himself. He wondered if anyone would even notice he had gone. With a pang, he realized that Nanaka would be frantic--she would cry. And his parents...his heart constricted painfully as he realized how many he was leaving behind.
But what about Takeo? Wouldn't he be releived? And Sae as well. No...they weren't those sort of people, he supposed.
Who will be Vice President of the Magic Club now?
Ayanjou relaxed into the arms of the darkness. Too late to wonder now.
It was strange. When you died, all the answers were supposed to come to you.
But all there were were endless ranks of questions.
Nanaka bt her lip and resettled herself in the uncomfortable green plastic hospital chair, trying to find a place in it that wouldn't send her backside to sleep.
Finally settling down, she looked over at the hospital bed, so impersonal with it's white sheets, pillowcase, and blanket, the same shade as the floor. Ayanjou looked so pale, pale enough to match the sheets, and thinner than normal. Hi hair was brushed to one side, seemingly the only color in the room. It was now newly washed and brushed--there had been blood in it.
Nanaka scooted closer to the bed. Ayanjou's parents had come and gone, his mother liberally watering the white bed sheets with her hysterical tears, until the hospital staff had chased them out because visiting hours were over. Nanaka had hidden in the room's bathroom...and now was standing night vigil.
With a sigh, she reached out and carefully took Ayanjou's left hand. Both of his wrists were wrapped thickly with white bandages, though a few reddish lines showed where blood had soaked into them. His right hand was incased in a cast. He had pulverized most of his knuckles and cut it up badly, presumably when he'd shattered the bathroom mirror.
Gently chaffing his cold hand between hers, Nanaka bowed her head. "Please God, watch over my friend."
Ayanjou curled into himself, still encased in the comforting, soft darkness.
Why am I still here? Is this death? An eternity of nothing?
Nanaka bit her lip and sniffed quietly. "Why did you do this, Ayanjou? I don't want to be left alone. I need you."
Hot tears pattered down on Ayanjou's hand. Nanaka hastily wiped her eyes.
Ayanjou let out a soft sigh into the darkness. "All I want is to see them again."
He opened his eyes tiredly, the sounds of soft sobs reaching his ears. Why was she crying? "Nanaka? Daijobu ka."
"Daijobu, Ayanjou." Nanaka's voice was thick with the tears that rickled down her cheeks. She managed to smile through them. "God, Ayanjou wa baka! See how you worry me?"
He winced slightly. "Sumimasen, Nanaka..."
She gulped down another sob. "Why did you do this, Ayanjou? Why?"
"Because...I thought no one cared."
"BAKA! I'm your friend. I care!"
"Sumimasen, Nanaka...I...didn't think."
"Baka, baka, baka. It's obvious you didn't think!" Nanaka squeezed his hand.
Ayanjou weakly squeezed back. "Nanaka...Takeo will never change his mind, will he."
"Ayanjou, he won't change his mind about you, like you couldn't change your mind about me." She laid his good hand against her cheek. He could feel the wetness of her tears on his fingertips. "Remember...we love each other because we know eachother's feelings."
"Nanaka...I'm so sorry..."
Nanaka roughly wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Just don't ever try to leave me alone again."
"I promise."
"Ayanjou...why didn't you tell me how bad you were feeling?"
"I...didn't want you to worry."
Nanaka reached over and gently smoothed his bangs back. "Baka na! See how you made me worry this way?"
"Gomen nasai..."
"Shhh...it's not your fault, Ayanjou, not completely. The spell that you and Takakura-senpai cast intensified your feelings of depression."
"Nanaka..."
"Shhh, Ayanjou. You lost a lot of blood before Takeo found you. You need to rest."
"Takeo found me?"
Nanaka nodded. "He was frantic. Sae called an ambulance, and he stayed there until they came, holding your wrists to keep the blood in."
"Maybe..."
"He's your friend, Ayanjou. He cares about you, even if it's not in the way you want him to."
He closed his eyes for a moment, squeezing them shut tightly. "H...how is he doing?"
"Takeo and Sae are excused from school for the rest of the week, as am I. You've been excused from the rest of school, and your finals. Takeo went into hysterics when they took you away in the ambulance. They had to sedate him and take him home. You scared him, badly."
Ayanjou winced. "I didn't mean to worry anyone."
Nanaka chuckled, her voice watery. "Just don't do it again. Promise."
"I promise."
"Yosh...now go to sleep, you need rest. I'll stay right here and watch over you.
The next months were full of pain. Physical therapy and more operations for his right hand, and therapy for his mind. Grimly, he endured endless rounds of mental poking and prodding, sessions where he was forced to repeat meaningless, stupid things over and over, hours upon hours of telling the psychiatrist every little thing.
Worst of all was the fact that he was constantly watched. It would have been heartwarming, with all the concern for him, but the feeling of always being shadowed made his skin crawl.
Takeo graduated and went off to college. Ayanjou couldn't bring himself to see his friend face to face yet, so instead, simply exchanged letters. Takeo's were always full of bright images and fancies. Ayanjou kept his short and dry, as if afraid of what he would say if he delved deeper.
Again and again, he fought off depression, bitterness that he still couldn't get over Takeo.
Nanaka was the only constant in his life, the only unchanged thing, burning brightly as a beacon.
He'd lost weight, Nanaka was sure of it. He wasn't eating enough, or perhaps something was eating him from the inside out.
He slumped when he sat, lost in his own world, his own thoughts. He rarely smiled.
When he went to the market with Nanaka, he simply followed her, only speaking when spoken to.
He was slipping away.
Nanaka stopped at a flower seller's stall and picked up a small plant, one with bright red flowers. "Ayanjou, what do you think of this?"
He peered at it. "It's pretty, and cheerful. It's like you." He managed a half hearted smile.
"Good." She handed it to him. "Then take care of it, ok? It'll be there in the morning, all the time when I'm not with you." She smiled and paid the cashier.
Despite himself, Ayanjou smiled back. They continued to walk through the market.
"Ayanjou...?"
"Hai, Nanaka?"
"Do you still regret...?" Nanaka glanced over at him.
"Yes...I do."
Nanaka glanced to see if anyone was watching, and slid her arm around his waist in a half-hug. "Don't. No one can live in the past or the impossible. It's like keeping a plant in the dark. You just wither away and die."
Slowly, he returned the half hug. "Nanaka..."
"I promise that I'll always be your friend, Ayanjou. Even if you can't have the love of the person you want, isn't it better to at least have the little love of friendship than waste away from inside?"
His eyes widened.
"Yes...Nanaka...yes, it is."
He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "Ayanjou wa baka, ne?"
She smiled. "Hai...but on you, it's cute."
He laughed around the tears. "Nanaka...dear to my heart...forgive me." He closed his eyes and hugged her tightly, not caring if anyone saw.
"Ayanjou, between friends, there is never anything to forgive."
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