WARNING: We don't own it. We own this. You might enjoy it, but if you
see something you don't want to read, you know what to do.
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Caption:
O N E M O N T H A G O
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[Open on a field of immaculate lillies. A cluster of average
youths stand rigidly at attention while an older boy, perhaps
fives years beyond the mean of the youths, paces up and down the
line. Stomping dead the lillies under his bare feet, the older
boy wears a worn black gi and a dour expression. The youths look
both nervous and scared out of their minds. Several consider the
landscape, taking the measure of its cover, and find is sorely
lacking.]
[Finally, the older boy, the teacher, comes to a decision and
stops pacing. He sighs and looks at the group before him. Rei,
Shinji, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke. All good kids. Perhaps they have
seen more than the normal amount of death and destruction in
their time. Perhaps they have seen more than normal children
their age have seen. But the world is at war today, and all the
world's children have seen too much. Perhaps they _are_ normal.
Today, the teacher is going to take away even that normalcy.]
[For Jared Waddell has a mission.]
Jared: Today, it begins. Today I teach you the forbidden style. I warn
you now...I will not teach you all of it. I _will_ teach you what
you need to know. You will not like this training. In all
likelihood, you will hate me when we are done, but you will
survive the coming darkness...
[He smiles that does not often grace his face. One alive with
his will and warning of dangerous things to come.]
Jared: If you survive the training.
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E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N
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D U M B A N D R E B I R T H
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Caption:
O N E W E E K A G O
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[The pilots and Goons are gathered in a stuffy briefing room. A
slide on the main screen shows a picture of one of NERV's locked
and guarded entrances.]
John: The first wave will be JSSDF special shock troops. They have
months of training to prepare for this assault, but Andy has
memorized every frame of movie and will be handling interior
defense.
[The slide changes to a panoramic view of the hills just outside
of the city.]
John: The assault on the exterior of the base will come from all
directions. Automatic defenses will be disabled, the Evangelion
Weapons platforms will be taken out with cruise missiles, and then
comes the coupe de grace.
[The frame changes to a stock photo of a distinctive mushroom
cloud.]
John: What remains of NERV's armor will be blown off by an N2 mine.
[The frame changes to a rather nice sketch of the exposed
geofront from the movies.]
John: So here we the aftermath of the explosion. Jared will lead the
assault in the Evangelion units while I help Ritsuko and Misato
direct NERV's ground forces to mop up. You guys get the fun job.
[The next frame is a covert picture of a stock mass production
unit. A sketch of their lance of Longinis copies is also
squeezed into the frame.]
John: The bad news is that these guys can fly, are murder machines that
don't feel pain, carry semi-morphable weapons, regenerate, and
number around a dozen. The good news is that there's no pilots on
board and if you take out the S2 core they die. The city will be
history by then, so feel free to use whatever means necessary to
take them out quickly.
[The slides end.]
John: Any questions?
[A slap echoes through the room.]
Jared: Oww!
Asuka: Can we turn the lights on?!
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Caption:
F I V E M I N U T E S A G O
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[The Eva launch bays. While crews divine order from chaos in
preparing the Evangelion units in record time, the entire
compliment of NERV's pilots, minus Andy and the yet-unseen
Kowaru Nagisa look on. All are dressed in plug suits matching
the paint job and design of their assigned Evangelions, though
only Unit-03 is visible in the background, with strange
cylindrical appendages--the Super Vernier Engines--attached to
the back.]
John: Well, all that's left is to pick the music.
Asuka: Can we entrance on something with a beat this time?
Toji: Metallica all the way.
John: (to thin air) Should I be worried that these kids know about
Metallica?
Kensuke: Why not the Ode to Joy?
John: Because even I'm getting tired of hearing it!
Jared: (singing to himself) Tumbling down...
[John glares at Jared. The wall behind the perverted Goon warps
and buckles. Repair crew rush to fix the damage.]
Misato: (via John's Mini-MAGI) We're playing something from The
Godfather this time. A personal request from yours truly.
Asuka: The what?
[Jared gets a 'oh shit' look on his face and slides covertly
away from Genoni, who seems to glow red.]
John: You haven't seen 'The Godfather?'
Asuka: Hm? No, I don't think so. I would have remembered a sucky title
like that.
John: Oh, really?
Jared: (here-we-go-again tone) Hoo-boy.
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Caption:
O N E M I N U T E A G O
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[Andy stands before the assaulting JSSDF forces, smirking. He
raises a hand, and the Faceless Minions flood around him,
smashing into the invading soldiers like a fist through a
two-by-four.]
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INTERMISSION
END INTERMISSION
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E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N
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N O , R E A L L Y
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Caption:
N O W
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[Jared sits in Unit-03's plug, watching the peaceful, distant
hills. There, hidden behind the trees and bushes, lies all of
Japan's army. And above, await an unknown number of walking
dealers of death. And here, only him.]
Misato: (over comm.) Well, since Genoni has the kids locked in the lower
blocks, watching The Godfather, and our breaching forces were
swallowed up by something Ritsuko swore was the physical
manifestation of infinite evil, you're all we have left. I wish
I could say it's been nice knowing you, Waddell, but I didn't
like you before now and if you screw up, I won't be surprised,
so go out there and get yourself killed.
Jared: There's one thing you're forgetting Misato.
Misato: (over comm.) Which is?
Jared: (smiles) When it counts, the Goons never loose.
[Misato gives a jaunty wave in the comm. screen and it closes.
Jared sighs.]
Jared: Melanie, I'm so sorry. I have to break my promise in order to
keep it.
[He lowers his head as the opposition launches a salvo of
missiles at his partially-visible Eva. Just before they impact
on his AT-Field, Jared returns his eyes to the viewport with a
look of absolute murder gracing his face.]
[They fight.]
[When the battle halts, Unit-03 stands at one end of the war-
torn earth. The ground glows red in numerous places marking the
catastrophic detonation of active S2 cores. A half-dozen mass
production units stand in a group away from the blood-soaked
Evangelion, which holds a battered long sword, and has four
thoroughly smashed-up rocket engines still attached to its back.
Should one stop to count what little remains of the deceased
mass production units, they would find that at least thirty have
fallen so far. Of the JSSDF forces, there is nothing left to
see.]
[Unit-06X appears, climbing over the rim of another nameless
crater in the surface. Unit-01 follows, then 02. In a minute,
NERV's entire force of Evangelions stand facing the attackers.
With the odds against them no positively astronomical, one of
the units takes a cautious step back.]
Andy: (coldly) No. There will be no escape.
[They fight.]
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Caption:
A F T E R T H E B A T T L E
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[The pilots and many of the NERV officers stand on the surface.
The remains of the epic battle that just conclude spread all
around them, but for now, peace reigns. Even Gendo is present,
merrily shaking hands with pilots who would, under less festive
circumstances, be giving a him a wide berth.]
Kowaru: Man, I didn't get to see any action at all.
John: Sorry, dude. There just wasn't time to get you an Eva, and Misato
was against another round of the Ode to Joy and all.
Kowaru: (looks hungrily at Shinji) ...
John: That, and dumber and dumber seemed to have cornered the yaoi
market of this story.
[As if my magic (me), the entire group turns their attention to
Jared and Andy, who are now wearing cowboy hats, but no shirts.
They're cheering merrily between chugging their beer. It takes
several minutes before they stop giving each other high fives
and return the stares.]
Jared & Andy: (in perfect synchronization) What?
[Most of the assembled shrug and go back to doing whatever they
were doing, leaving Andy and Jared in their usual states of mind
(confused). Gendo comes up to the moping Kowaru.]
Gendo: Good work, pilot.
Kowaru: (aw-shucks tone) But I didn't do anything.
[Gendo sticks out his hand anyway. Kowaru shrugs and reaches out
to take it.]
[Time slows down.]
[John watches the two appendages draw closer and closer. Just
before they touch, it hits him and he moves to stop him.]
John: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Contact.]
[Now, here there would be a big and highly disturbing musical
sequence chock full of symbolism and fan service. However, this
story centers on the Goons, and the Goons are not exactly human.
Therefore, they are exempt from experiencing the Instrumentation
of Humanity, and to them, it looks like this: Everybody explodes
into orange goo.]
[That's it.]
[It takes like, one second to happen.]
[And about five to register.]
Jared: ...WHAT...THE...FUCK?!!!
Andy: Ew.
John: (kneels and sets a tanto against his stomach) ...
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T H E E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N
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R O L L T H E C R E D I T S
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Written by
Jared Waddell
Edited by
Jared Waddell
Conceived by
Jared Waddell
Based on the anime 'Shin Seiki Evangelion'
By Gainix Studios
Viewed by
YOU!
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Epilogue:
[Two of the three Goons still stand in shock. John is kneeling
on the ground, about to remove himself from the pain of living.]
Rei: g...genoni-oniisan?
John: (in shock, drops the knife) Rei?
[Several minutes and shots of hard liquor later...]
Jared: Well, the place is a wash. Most of the technology is destroyed
and everyone else is goo. Ungrateful bastards.
John: What did survive?
Jared: Us. Rei. The remotes. The stuff in our vaults. The Evas. Oh yes,
and Rei's clones are remarkably intact.
Andy: The question is...what now?
John: That is the question. But with the remote...
Jared: (tosses John the device with a shrug) I just murdered more people
than I care to count. You can be responsible for a while.
Andy: (nodding at the remote in John's hands) So, what are you gonna do
with it?
[John looks tiredly in the direction of the audience (you),
points the remote at your forehead, and presses--
The End
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