DISCLAIMER: THEY'RE ALL MINE!!! ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN! BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Er... I have no idea what came over me... yeah. Most of these characters
are from Neon Genesis: Evangelion. Most of the character is from the
Three Goons. I disclaim this is neither good nor bad, but quality is in
the eye of the beholder...
WARNING: Foul language. I tried to sneak some sex in, but John actually
wanted the public to read this without their eyes bleeding. Jerk. One of
these days... Well, I promise to un-censor what I can, and sneak in
everything else.
NOTE: I wrote very little of this. Hold the other trolls more
responsible than I. Well, except for the good parts. Okay, I basically
wrote the whole damn thing. Where the others have contributed, you
shouldn't notice; they're pretty good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[John, Jared, and Andy are sitting around, doing nothing interesting.
John is writing something, seated at the hotel's mini-desk. Andy is on
the tube, and Jared is making something in the corner, mostly assembling
it with burnt fingers.]
[Andy wanders over to John, looking over his shoulder.]
Andy: What're ya doing?
John: Drawing up a contract to ensure our 'Three Goons' isn't stolen by
somebody.
Andy: What? You mean your copyrighting 'Three Goons'?
John: (evil Mr.Burns pose) Yesss.
Andy: Why you? We're the other two thirds this Three Goons speaks of.
Jared: (over his shoulder) Quit talking like you own the idea, Andy.
Andy: (hefting 2x4) Why should I?
Jared: (Readying Katana) Oh, no reason.
[Meanwhile, across the street, encamped on another building...]
JSDF Guy #9: (lowers binoculars) I'm amazed they haven't killed off each
other yet...
JSDF Guy #45: How can they just pull out those kinds of weapons?
JSDF Guy #3196: You probably don't want to know.
JSDF Guy #45: Lobby is getting paged.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Paint the Town /
Beggars and Choosers
--------------------------------------------------
Jared: Just a little fresh air.
[In the lobby of this hotel, Jared is talking to a JSDF officer that's
almost as tall as he is.]
JSDF Guy: Look, you don't go outside without the Commander's permission
and an escort.
Jared: Then get his permission. I don't mind an escort.
JSDF Guy: But the Commander's unavailable.
Jared: (scoffs) Probably having tea with SEELE...
JSDF Guy: Excuse me?
Jared: Nothing. Look, I'm goin' outside with or without your permission.
Now we can do this the hard way or the easy way, so just don't argue
with me and I'll go easy on you.
JSDF Guy: Now look here... where'd he go?
[The lobby is empty...]
JSDF Guy: God damn it!
----------
[In one of the many endless levels of NERV, Ritsuko is typing away at a
computer terminal when her phone rings. We are spared the exact contents
of the dialogue as it is not translated.]
Ritsuko: (into her cell phone) Moshi moshi?
JSDF Guy: .
Ritsuko: ?
JSDF Guy: .
Ritsuko: ! ... . ?
JSDF Guy: .
[Ritsuko hangs up her phone.]
Ritsuko: Baka.
----------
[Jared is out wandering the streets of Tokyo-3, scaring the lay-people
half to death in his black robe with the big, suspiciously realistic
scythe in one hand and a worn paper with some list on it held in the
other.]
Jared: Hmm... a sidewalk CD vendor? Interesting.
[Indeed, there is a small push-cart on the sidewalk, out of the main
flow of people, which is selling mini music CD's. Various pop idols from
this decade and the last dot the labels--all Japanese. Jared, still in
his death ensemble (no, we don't know where he got it, and HELL NO, we
don't want to), comes over to the cart and starts checking out the
CD's.]
Jared: (holding up a disk with a picture of a topless chick on the
front) How much for the orange one?
Shopkeep:
Jared: Oops. Sorry.
Shopkeep: (points at a chart with Yen prices in Arabic* numerals)
[Jared pays the alloted amount, then puts the disk under his robe and
walks away, shaking his head.]
Jared: Have to learn this damn language somehow...
[An old man, hunched over within a set of voluminous robes that hide
almost every detail about him walks up next to Jared.]
Old Man: Mr. Foreigner?
Jared: Sorry dude, I can't speak Japanese yet--hey! You speak English!
Old Man: Of course, I lived in America for several years.
Jared: (less surprised) Oh, you learned the shitty English.
Old Man: (chuckles dryly) Ah, ahem. Yes, basically. I have something to
tell you, and a gift... of sorts.
Jared: How about an auto-translator?
Old Man: (sweat drop) Maybe not, but I have some special beans.
Jared: (raises eyebrow) Beans? Pinto or lima?
OM: Magic beans.
Jared: < -_-; > Riiiiight.
Old Man: And as for your advice. The mauve chair and the plate seagull
fish Moscow at flute.
Jared: < 0_0;;; > ... How much?
Old Man: I have little need for money. What do you have to bargain with?
Jared: (opens the bag and looks inside) Hmm... (pulls out a portable
DVD/N256 player) How about this?
Old Man: Holy cow! You can have 'em all!
Jared: < 0_0; > Uh... sure.
OM: Excellent. (holds out a small box as he takes the DVD/N256) Altoid?
Jared: (taking one of the curiously hot candies) Thanks, dude.
OM: (dumps a small bag in Jared's hands and leaves) Sayonara!
Jared: (looks at the beans) Hmm, hope John won't miss that. (looks
closely) 'F.M.'?
[Indeed, the bag in his hands has the letters 'F.M.' painted on the
side, in the style of a military stencil.]
Jared: (confused, but still pleased with himself) Cool.
[He starts walking back to the hotel, looking at street signs.]
Jared: Wait, I can't read those!
[Sorry. Well, they do have numbers on them, right?]
Jared: (to the fourth wall) Actually, I don't think I've ever seen a
proper street sign in anime.
[Well... ah... yeah. Um... okay, moving along.]
----------
John: You WHAT?!!!
Jared: It's not like you were actually going to use it... that much...
while fighting in an Eva.
[The Goons are again in the halls of NERV, being led around by an
escort. We follow with a panning shot, focusing on Jared and John, while
Andy occasionally disappears and reappears behind him. One of the guards
escorting them is looking at Andy strangely every now and then, but only
when the boy is actually there. All of the guards are wearing full body
armor.]
John: That's a pretty weak excuse, Mister!
[Andy disappears.]
Jared: They were pretty cool lookin', and the guy was all mysterious but
really nice. He even gave me an Altoid!
John: < -_- > That is probably because he was hoodwinking you.
Jared: Somehow, I highly doubt that line of reasoning.
[Jared and John veer off to a side hallway, the guards walk about five
paces down the correct hallway before pulling a Chinese fire drill and
herding Jared and John back in line. This has happened before....]
[Cue Flashback:]
[Halls of NERV, again. The Three Goons are walking along with their
escort.]
Jared: (whispering to John) Since these guys have been such dicks, I say
we torture them.
Andy: (rubbing hands together evilly; also whispering) I say we...
[annoy] them.
John: (also whispering) Aw, too easy.
Jared: (whispering) Well... I have an idea.
John: (whispering) Shoot.
Jared: (whispering) Not that. We keep trying to leave their little
group, but do like we didn't notice where we were going.
John: (whispering) Sounds pretty lame.
Andy: (whispering) These are pretty lame guards.
John: (mo-men-tum!) All right! Let's do it.
[End Flashback.]
John: (pointing at the F.M. bag Jared is bouncing in the palm of his
hand) Just what are you going to do with a bag of beans, anyway?
Jared: I was thinking a meal of some kind.
John: For what, a rat? There's like, six beans in there!
[Andy reappears, keeps looking around the hallway without saying
anything; a rare occurrence indeed.]
Jared: Hah, there's at least twelve.
John: < -_- > ....
Jared: ... Hmm, maybe I should count them.
[Jared opens the bag, looking inside. He starts pointing his finger in
the bag, counting the beans. He stops after a second, then picks up
again. Then stops again. Then picks up again. Then frowns, and starts
counting them with a peculiar intensity. He stops after a second,
frowning deeper.]
John: What?
Jared: These are some damn strange beans.
John: They were dancing before we left.
[Jared ignores this remark completely.]
Jared: It's like I try to count them, but then I loose track because I
reach the end and _know_ that number isn't right. Then I look over it
again and come up with a different number. Then neither is close to
being right and...
John: Give me that!
[John snatches away the bag. Andy leaps into the air, disappearing. John
starts counting, in much the same manner as Jared did.]
John: See? There's seven.... < 0_0; > Uh, lemmie look again. (pause)
Wait, now there's... < 0_0;;; > no, that can't be right.
[He dumps the beans out into his open hand. The group is now walking on
one of those long catwalks from Episode 1 of Evangelion.]
John: See, there's... not enough.
Jared: < -_- > Give it up.
John: We aren't gonna need these anyway.
Jared: Then give them to me!
John: (tosses the beans over the side of the catwalk) Go fetch.
Jared: < 0_0 > NO!!! (dives after the beans)
[John catches him, then hands him to the goon squad. Andy reappears as
Jared is struggling to leap into certain death.]
Andy: What happened?
John: I chucked his beans.
Andy: < 0_0;;; > Uh................. huh. May I inquire why?
John: (laces his fingers behind his head, whistling a show tune) Just
felt like the right thing to do.
[Andy stares after John for a moment as Jared is finally subdued with
billy clubs and a brick to the face.]
----------
[Just then, a rumbling begins.... Uh, wait. No... that isn't right. Hold
on a sec.
Okay, here we go. The 'Three Goons' had been taken to yet another
laboratory somewhere in the infinite hallways of NERV. Andy was staring
at a small black device that was displaying a map on a tiny screen
(something like the little comms from the TMNT cartoon). John was
looking at the wall... and holding a conversation with it. Jared was on
the opposite side of the room as John, alternately twiddling his thumbs
and stretching out like he expected to spar with Bruce Lee any second
now.]
[Finally, Misato walks in, trailed by Asuka. Asuka just glares at Jared,
who immediately runs up to her and bows at her feet.]
Asuka: Ugh.
Misato: (translated) We've got your synch test results and... (steels
herself) You three _can_ pilot Evangelions. (quickly) Mind you, this
doesn't mean you _will_...
[But the three aren't paying attention to her, caught up in their dance
of joy.]
Jared: You know what this means?!
John: We may have Evas?!
Andy: We may have Evas?!
John: I already said that!
Jared: < ^_^ > No! We get to bug Misato and move in with her!
[John and Andy stare at Jared. After a second, BIG grins form on their
faces. Asuka finishes her translation and Misato starts to turn
beet-red.]
Andy: (rhetorically) When will he learn?
[Fade-out on John's frightened look.]
----------
[Cut to: A firing range for Evas.]
Ritsuko: (over voice comm.) Okay John, just line up the targets and
squeeze the trigger.
[John squeezes off five shots so fast the echoes overlap into one big
boom that makes Ritsuko's hair stand straight up.]
John: Anything else?
Ritsuko: (looking at the five perfect bulls-eye's) Uh... no.
----------
[Jared on the same firing range.]
Ritsuko: Line up the targets and pull the trigger... why are you
switching to manual? Jared? Jared, respond.
[But he isn't listening, concentrating intently on the target in front
of him. After a few seconds to line up, he fires off eight quick shots.]
Ritsuko: Dammit, Jared! WE--... Uh...
[Ritsuko looks at the Lethal Weapon-esque smiley-face on the target.]
Ritsuko: < 0_0;;; > Right.
----------
[Andy on the same firing range.]
Ritsuko: Now, just--
[Andy fires off a salvo, emptying the entire clip.... everything BUT the
target is destroyed.]
Ritsuko: Why did you do that?!!
Andy: Well, the target obviously wasn't going to hurt me.
Ritsuko: (eye twitching) And those hills were?!!
Andy: (tries a dramatic hair-toss, but whatever effect it might have had
is lost to the LCL and lack of video comm) Details, details, details...
----------
[Later, in the pilot's dressing room.]
Jared: Why did Shinji leave so quickly? I only gave him a few rat tails.
John: (disgusted tone) You gave him a few red marks on the ass.
Jared: < ^_^ > Now guys, there's no reason to cower on the other side of
the room, is there?
Andy: < -_- > You tell us.
Jared: (frowns) ....
John: That's it, you have to do the paperwork.
Jared: Aw... guys!
John: Don't worry, I have a plan to make this... well, _easy_ isn't the
word I would use...
Jared: Then we have some fun with it.
Andy: Fun?
[Jared begins grinning wickedly.]
Andy: < 0_0; > Fun? Guys?
[John catches Jared's look and begins matching his wicked grin.]
Andy: < 0_0;;; > Guys? I don't like the sound of this. Will someone tell
me what's going on here?!!
[The grins are getting dangerously large and their eyes are sparkling
with _EVIL_ intentions.]
Andy: GUUUUUYS!!!!!!!!!
----------
[A dark room, location unknown... Ritsuko is strapped to a table, naked.
Jared is leering over her.]
Ritsuko: You'll never get anything out of me.
Jared: (leering) But I don't want anything _out_ of you...
[Jared suddenly disappears from Ritsuko's vision, in time with a thick
`thud' noise.]
[John puts a tack hammer away.]
John: (shakes a small bottle) These are smelling salts. Read the label.
Ritsuko: (gasps) there's an aphrodisiac in that!
John: Now, give us our own Evas or I leave you in the room with him,
or... Plan B.
Ritsuko: (struggles against the ropes) What's Plan B?
[John dips his fingers in a glass of water and flicks a few drops on the
Doctor's forehead.]
John: < ^_^ > That.
Ritsuko: (growls) Bastard.
John: < -_- > Evas.
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > Never, you'll destroy the world!
John: Before you and Gendo can?
Ritsuko: (moving her eyebrows trying to stop the itching) I don't know
what you're talking about.
John: < ^_^ > Oh, but you do. Don't be coy. Evas, good ones. American
Evas, designed to our specifications.
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > Suppose we did have that kind of Eva. What makes you
think you'll qualify?
John: < ^_^ > We're Americans. We know our own. We just say that we'll
destroy Tokyo-3 every time we go out and they'll gift-wrap them with a
giant red bow.
[Ritsuko screams in frustration. After all, he's right.]
John: < ^_^ > Is that itching, Doctor? I still have Plan A. (shakes the
bottle)
Ritsuko: (spits at John) You'll never break me.
[Her aim is affected by being strapped to the table but her intent is
clear.]
John: This can go on as long it has to. < ^_^ > But remember Jared will
wake up on his own soon.
Ritsuko: (a desperate look in her eyes) I did the tests myself, you're
not crazy, you're sanest person in this damned city! Why are you doing
this?!
John: Andy would say, "We NEED Mecha." But that's not the case. Jared
would say, "Because it's [fun]." But that's not it either. I guess,
that... doing this asserts my sanity, I know I'm sane, because I know
exactly what I'm doing.
[And then he smiled the smile he used in his drugged interrogation.]
[Ritsuko cracked. She promised Evas, weapons, their own offices, an
apartment next to Misato's, and a paycheck by the hour, and anything
else they wanted if he'd just let her loose. Then she confessed her soul
on everything she'd ever done, some of it John knew. But other stuff,
like the seven times she and Maya had stayed for a few extra hours
of... training, and the time she got drunk with Misato and they got down
on each other, and a bunch of other names and deeds the ranged from
mega-hentai to super-evil. Needless to say, John felt very dirty as
Ritsuko cleaned her soul on him like a towel. It ended unmercifully
hours later, Jared still wasn't even stirring. But the look on his face
told John he was wide awake and listening in awe.]
John: (finishing the last strap as Ritsuko finally became silent)
Anything else you'd like to add?
Ritsuko: (rubbing her forehead to drive the unbearable itch away) Get
out of my face.
John: (giving Jared a few hard slaps to "wake" him) In due time, just
sign this. (moves a clipboard and a pen to Ritsuko) It's an agreement
that you hold your end of the bargain, and we don't ever use the water
torture again.
[Ritsuko signs it.]
John: Plan A is still viable though.
Jared: < ^_- > Tah! NINJA VANISH!!!
----------
[Jared strolls into Gendo's office unannounced.]
Jared: Gendo, you seen Ritsuko? She has to sign this thing for Maya.
Gendo: No.
[Jared "accidentally" drops the clipboard and "accidentally" kicks it
under Gendo's desk. A few seconds later it slides back.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Nice kick. Hey cool, you can write in Ritsuko's
handwriting with your feet! (he tosses the clipboard at Gendo) It needs
your signature too, dude.
[Gendo scribbles his name and throws the board back at Jared violently.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Well, I gotta get this back to Maya, you two play nice.
[Jared leaves whistling.]
Gendo: Idiot.
Ritsuko: (from under the desk) I'm going to kill that boy.
Gendo: < o_o > Did I order you to stop?
----------
[The Three Goons are standing at the entrance to Misato's apartment,
looking a little haggard.]
John: (panting) Finally...
Jared: (assumes Dramatic Pose(tm)) We WILL move in with Misato!
John: (smirks) No need to talk, you got the paperwork signed, right?
Jared: < ^_^ > Of course!
John: (Mr-Burns pose) Eeexcellent.
[Jared pulls out triplicate copies. John and Andy start leafing through
their 'contracts.']
Jared: Of course, I added a few extras....
John: (almost drooling) Our own Ferraris?
Jared: Yeah, but it'll take forever for them to get here.
Andy: YES! Custom Evas! Any of you have the specs on Wing Zero from
Gundam Wing?
Jared: Oh please, we don't need to--
Misato: Nani?
[The Three Goons jump, the documents mysteriously disappearing... to
land behind Jared's back in his hands.]
Jared: Nice to see you're home, ma'am.
John: (aside to Andy) We've got to learn Japanese.
Asuka: (icily) What... are you doing here?
Jared: < o_o; > Moving our stuff in.
Asuka: You don't HAVE stuff.
Jared: < ^_^ > Not yet, but we do have credit cards.
[Asuka's glare sharpens.]
Misato: (translated) Where'd you get those?
John: (offhand) All Americans come with credit cards, part of being born
American and all that.
[Misato, upon hearing the translation, blinks. Twice.]
Jared: Heyo! (leans aside to wave to Shinji, who's hiding behind Misato)
Hope we can get to be good roommates!
Misato: (upon hearing the translation) R-r-r-r-roommates?
Jared: (hands over their paperwork) That's what these say.
Misato: (eyes widen in growing horror as she reads the bi-lingual
documents) NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
[Fade out on Misato's terrifying scream and Jared's confidant leer at a
fuming Asuka.]
----------
[NERV infirmary.]
Jared: I'm just fine. Ow, quit it.
[Jared, John, and Andy are seated on a row of stock plastic hospital
benches known the world over as the most uncomfortable seating stuffs in
existence. Jared is bandaged head to toe, though he doesn't look to
seriously injured. John and Andy are taking turns poking him in the
arm.]
John: You don't sound fine.
Jared: I'm fine. Believe me. (gets poked by Andy) Ow, quit it.
Andy: Can you walk?
Jared: Of course. (gets poked by John) Ow, quit it.
John: I know I wrote most of that contract, but where did you squeeze in
personal automobiles and credit cards?
Jared: Jealous? (gets poked by Andy) Ow, quit it.
Andy: Only if you come up with a better Eva design than mine.
Jared: I _always_ have the better design, you fools! (gets poked by
John) Ow, quit it.
John: You know, you didn't even have a credit card back home.
Jared: Trade secrets, wimps. (gets poked by both John and Andy) [STOP]
THAT!!!
John: Aw, you're no fun.
[Ritsuko walks into the room and takes in the scene, suppressing a
shudder.]
Ritsuko: I'm not going to comment about your luck. The three of you
deserve to die.
Jared: (rips off his bandages in record time and swoons dramatically)
Oh, so cruel!
Ritsuko: < 0_0;;; > Riiight. Look, you three have your damn apartment,
and if you can move, you had better get out of my sight.
[There is a long pause as Jared struggles to pull himself to his feet.]
Ritsuko: Any time now...
[She moves her left arm slightly, the movement causing her ever-present
lab coat to shift and reveal the pistol holstered under one shoulder. A
sudden breeze passes her. She blinks to find the tiny waiting room
empty.]
Ritsuko: Good riddance.
----------
[A barren apartment meets the Three Goons....]
Jared: (from the floor) This sucks.
John: You can only see the carpet.
[Pull back to see John and Andy staring at the small, empty, less-than-
inspiring domicile the three will be calling home for... well, until
they get bored (or foolishly brave). Jared is on the floor. He looks
like he has been run over by a truck, but is still quite conscious.]
John: Jared, you did order our AV gear, right?
Jared: (from the floor) On it's way.
John: Furniture?
Jared: (from the floor) That was supposed to be your area.
John: < o_o; > Well, I'm not familiar with Japanese furniture.
Jared: (from the floor; hopeful) Andy?
Andy: (shrugs, then plops down right there on the floor, sitting Indian
style) Sorry.
Jared: Okay. (shakily gets to his feet)
John: Look, you just lie down, I'll take care of the furniture problem.
Jared: I have an idea.
John: That's exactly why you should lie down.
Jared: I'm going to NERV. I'll be back shortly with the solution.
John: (warning tone) Jar--
[Jared is standing over the prone forms of Andy and John, clenching his
hands.]
Jared: (somber tone) I know you two won't approve of what I'm about to
do, so this is for the best. Sweet dreams, and I hope you don't think
any less of me afterwards.
[Then he slumps to his knees and begins clawing his way out of the
apartment.]
----------
[Jared is on his knees in Ritsuko's office. Whereas earlier he was on
his knees due to extreme pain, he has been brought to this position by a
different motivation.]
Jared: Pleeeeeeeease?
Ritsuko: (backing away in horror) ....
Jared: C'mon. Not for very long, and I promise I'll behave! No cameras,
video or still, of any kind. No one else even has to know. We can evade
NERV security, I've done it before! Please? Pleeeeeeeeeease?!
Ritsuko: (trying to calm the beast) Look, I can't barely understand you,
but I'm being nice here.
Jared: (hopeful) That means you'll do it?!!
Ritsuko: NO! NO!!! I mean, look, I don't have the time to help you shop
for furniture.
Jared: But Misato's tastes.... well, it leaves something to be desired.
Ritsuko: (starts crying) Why can't you just leave me alone, god damn it!
I haven't slept since you three showed up here! Can't you even perform
the simplist of tasks without begging for some woman's help?!!
(thinking) They're Americans, I shouldn't have said that.
Jared: But... but...
[The door is suddenly kicked down by John, much to the annoyance of
Andy, who was all for using a rocket or RPG, except that they had
neither and weren't yet prepared to steal one from the armory.]
John: (thundering Odin voice) STOP RIGHT THERE!!!
Jared: (still on his knees) What?
John: Would you QUIT making this series so dark?!! You know I can't
STAND it when you DO that!
Jared: < -_- > Do you want to try out for a Do-Gooders part now?
John: What?
Ritsuko: (broken English) I think I'll just leave.
Andy: Nonsense. It us who should... (looks at Jared) depart. It is,
after all, your office.
Ritsuko: (pushing past Andy) No, trust me. I have not desire to be here
any longer than necessary to leave!
Andy: (admiring the retreating form of Ritsuko, though he would never
admit it on his life) Hey, that's my line.
Jared: (still on his knees) No, your line is `BOOOOOM!!! Wheee!!!'
Andy: Why you--
John: Andy! STOP!
Andy: (stopping) What is it now?
John: (puts his hands on Andy's shoulders and speaks in his best `listen
carefully' tone) Andy, it's just Eva. It's getting to you--don't let it
conquer your soul.
Jared: (still on his knees) Yeah, that's my bit!
[John and Andy's heads swivel to look at their fellow Goon.]
John: Are you getting up anytime soon?
Jared: (easily back on his feet) No thanks to _you_...
John: (shakes his head) You scared Ritsuko and actually got injured at
Asuka's hands. Terrible, just terrible. You're really not cut out for
this.
Jared: (walking past John, stops) It's Eva. You need me and that's the
of it.
John: (growling) He's right, but...
Andy: (shrugging off John's hands and gesturing towards the door and
Jared, who is a ways down the hallway by now) It's time to go.
[John sighs, then follows his friends.]
----------
John: Well, it's now or never.
[John raises his hand to knock at the door to Misato's apartment. He is
dressed in a light blue polo-style T-shirt and khakis. Jared is
mimicking his style, but with a green shirt, and Andy is wearing khaki
shorts and a Hawaiian patterned shirt with subdued colors. Behind them,
a glorious sunset is just beginning to simmer over the western horizon
of Tokyo-3, casting long shadows in the ruddy atmosphere.]
Jared: (holding up a small piece of paper) Nice of her to help us.
Andy: You scared the poor woman half to death, you freak. We're lucky
she didn't try to kill us outright.
Jared: John helped her out. Killing me would be like removing one of
John's arms, so she hesitated.
Andy: (looking sideways at Jared) Ran away screaming is what I recall
happening.
John: SHUT UP!!!
Jared: You still haven't knocked yet? (starts chuckling)
Andy: (in a typical display of his reasoning prowess) Huh? what?
[Jared's chuckling gives way to full-blown laughter. Apparently, he has
recovered from his earlier injuries. He's holding his sides and drops to
his knees for the third, different, reason for that day.]
John: (slightly blushing) It's NOT funny!
Jared: But--hahahaha--so cute--buwahahahaha!!!
Andy: What? I don't get it... guys?
[John finally can't take Jared's insults--gasped out between whooping,
sidesplitting laughter--and tackles the Goon with intent to maim.]
Andy: (calm) Okay. (knocks on the door)
[Time passes. John and Jared roll around on the ground, Jared managing
to haphazardly dodge everything John is throwing at him, even when John
pins him to the ground and tries to punch his lights out. Jared
continues laughing through the whole thing. Andy grows a sweat drop
waiting for the door to open.]
[Finally, it does, revealing Rei, in her school uniform, and Asuka, in a
light pink summer dress. The former looks at Andy, then glances at John
(who is still holding Jared down but has stopping trying to kick his ass
and has instead settled for blushing and looking like the cat that
fucked the canary) and Jared before returning her gaze to Andy, who is
sweat-dropping rather heavily. The other girl glares at Andy, glares at
John, then launches an extra hard glare at Jared, who stops laughing,
gulps, and smiles nervously.]
Andy: Okay....
Asuka: (speaking at Andy) What is it now, you maniac?
Andy: Oh, well... I--
[A collage of scenes overlays Andy's vision. The chase after Ritsuko.
The note in the NERV labs from here that Jared and John read but
wouldn't show him. The other two goons insistence he 'dress up' for the
evening. Jared's declaration that they would have furniture TONIGHT
(that was how he said it, any way). And something clicks.]
Andy: Ah. Ms. Sohryu, a pleasure as always. Would you, Shinji, and the
albino chick like to accompany us on a little shopping trip?
Asuka: Hell no.
[The door shuts hard enough to form several wrinkles.]
John: (eye twitching, rising behind Andy with his hands in the shape of
claws) `Albino chick'?!!
Andy: (turns around, then turns pale) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(faints)
Jared: (dusting his shirt off) Now look what you did.
[John is pounding on the door.]
John: Open up, you stuck up anemic bitch!
[Jared clocks John from behind, adjusts an imaginary tie, and looks at
his two unconscious companions before sighing.]
Jared: Why does it always turn out like this?
[The door opens to reveal Misato standing behind it with a very
pissed-off expression on her face and a gun in her hand.]
Jared: (holds his hands up in a placating gesture) Let me explain; I'll
even spare you the rant.
Misato: (probably not understanding) Oh, do tell.
[Asuka appears behind Misato, glares at Jared again, and translates as
the Goons speaks.]
Jared: Our apartment is yet unfurnished. We shall be receiving some
much-needed additions to it shortly, but as of right now, we lack even
the most basic necessities, such as beds. I suspect this is part of
Ritsuko's revenge, but back to the topic at hand, we don't speak much
English, Kaji is nowhere to be found, NERV doesn't want us dragging off
low-clearance personnel, and I'd rather not sleep on a hard floor
tonight. So, if the bea-- (manages to hold himself back) Ms. Sohryu, Ms.
Ayanami, and Mr. Ikari would please accompany us in a short shopping
trip, it would be much appreciated. (to himself) This is hard. I think
I'll let John handle this crap in the future.
[He holds up the note like a peace offering.]
Misato: (translated, folds her arms over her sizeable chest) Why should
I let you?
Jared: (doesn't realize John is rising like a vengeful ghost behind him)
Give you time to, ah... (makes the universal `masturbation' hand
gesture)
John: (puts a hand over his eyes to watch Jared punch through the
stratosphere) Nice hang time, Ms. Sohryu.
Asuka: (smoothes her skirt out) Thanks.... um... Worm.
John: (turning to Asuka) Excuse me?
Asuka: Worm. That's what I'll call you.
John: No fair! You call Andy the maniac.
Asuka: (almost goes for a `humpf' but realizes this is more of a `I
don't care' hair-toss moment and executes it flawlessly) He deserves it.
John: (clenching his fists and crying manly tears of determination;
thinking) Someday, I [WILL] be worthy!
Andy: (awake, out loud) Where am I? Oh. What's going on? (gets up,
ignores John, turns to Asuka) Well?
Asuka: (dramatic hand to forehead) Jared wanted to drag us helpless
women into the vile underworld of Tokyo-3 to ravish our sensitive
bodies.
[Andy gets a large nosebleed and passes out again. Asuka smirks.]
John: (coming out of his internal revere, spots the fountain of blood
over Andy) Cripes! (attempting to stop the geyser) Well, are you guys
coming or not?
Asuka: (thinking) Damn, I was hoping he'd forget. (out loud, to Misato)
Misato-san, I think I'll take Wondergirl and Mr. Spineless on a little
shopping trip after all.
Misato: (eyes wide) Are you insane?! You're staying right
here--
Asuka: To watch you plastered? No thank you. I'll put on my
pervert stompers and get some exercise. Rei can handle herself. I could
care less about Shinji.
Misato: (sighs in resignation) All right, but you take your
cell phones and call if anything happens.
Asuka: Yes ma'am.
John: (failing to follow the rapid-fire Japanese) What? Are we on?
[In the distance, ominously back-lit by the setting sun, Jared crashes
to the ground like a meteorite.]
----------
[Scene: Tokyo-3's largest furniture store: FURNITURE WORLD.]
[Time: Evening.]
[Characters: More than I care to mention.]
Jared: This one!
John: This one!
Asuka: This one!
Jared: _This_ one!
Andy: [This] one!
Shinji: (aside, to Rei) What are they talking about?
Rei: (to Shinji) something about couches.
Shinji: Hmm...
Asuka: This one!
Jared: THIS ONE!
John: We can't afford that one! Let's take this one!
Jared: That one's ugly!
Shinji: (aside to Rei) Do you think the clerk should be hiding behind
the counter like that?
Rei: (to Shinji) i do not know.
Shinji: Hmm...
Andy: (hefting a kitchen sink over John's head) Take this!
John: Hey, that doesn't fit the--
[Cue smashing noise.]
Jared: You weren't supposed to knock him out. Now _you_ hafta carry this
couch out.
Andy: No I don't.
Jared: (making fists) And why not?
Andy: (taking up fighting stance) Because we aren't getting that one.
Jared: (charging at Andy) That's IT!
Andy: (meeting Jared's charge) Bring it ON!
[John suddenly leaps to his feet between the goons, pulling out a pair
of two by fours. Time clicks into John Woo-style slow motion. He smashes
a board into Jared and Andy's faces simultaneously. Time clicks back to
normal, the two by fours disappear, and Andy and Jared crash to the
ground unceremoniously.]
John: (dusting his hands off) Really. Well, Ms. Bitch?
Asuka: (growling) Yes...
John: Which one do you think we should get?
Asuka: (points) This one. Trust me, it's the only thing that'll look
good.
John: (looking at his pick, then back to Asuka) I'm not carrying that
out of here.
Asuka: Furniture World doesn't--
Clerk: (interrupting) It's FURNITURE WORLD.
Asuka: (dismissive) Right, right, whatever. Any way, they don't deliver
this late at night. You can always wait until tomorrow.
John: Hmm... no couch... (not liking this) Unng... couch...
[Asuka folds her arms and waits patiently. Jared starts to rise,
clutching his head.]
Jared: Okay, I think I'm starting to get used to that...
John: Jared, how much can you carry?
Jared: (reflexively) The world. Why?
John: What about that couch?
Jared: Too heavy. Throw Asuka on it and I might--
John: I don't want to know. Damn! We just need some... some...
Andy: (coming to) Faceless Minions?
John: (light bulb comes on over his head) Exactly! We need... (dramatic
pause) ... need...... (dramatic pause drags on)
Jared: (from aside) Faceless Minions.
John: FACELESS MINIONS!
[Just then, a rumbling begins.... Ah yes, _this_ is where it goes. In a
jumble of limbs, with certain body parts coming to rest on certain other
body parts which causes a beating to take place, the group rushes to the
door of FURNITURE WORLD to spy an Eva elevator vibrating. As the kids
look on, the building suddenly explodes, spraying Faceless Minion pieces
everywhere. The kids duck back inside the store for cover as the streets
are bathed in Faceless Minion goo.]
John: Eeeeeew.
[But as soon as the cast turns their attention back to the building, the
goo vanishes. The building spews Faceless Minions forth for several more
seconds. These ones are whole and most of them land, unharmed, on their
feet (though a few make a `thud' noise followed by an `ow!' noise). The
Faceless Minions then start marching towards FURNITURE WORLD like
lemmings.]
Jared: Great. _Now_ what?
John: (getting an idea) Wait, this is perfect.
Jared: You have that `I'm a Space Marine' set to your jaw again.
John: Yes. It is PERFECT. We shall use the Faceless Minions to do our
dirty work! BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Andy: (still holding his injured arm) That's what _I_ was going to
suggest.
Jared: But you were knocked out.
Andy: (clenching his hands into fists) If you hadn't started challenging
me...
Jared: (dismissive) It's my sacred duty to challenge and defeat all
weaker foes.
Andy: Weak!
Jared: (folds his arms) Yes, as the crazy, over-powered martial artist
of the bunch, I get to fight whenever I want, wherever I want, as long
as I can advance the plot, and many times when I won't advance the plot.
Hmm...
[Andy starts winding up.]
John: Children...
Andy & Jared: What?
John: Don't make me send these Minions back.
Jared: It's okay, (points at Andy) he's just upset because he's not the
violent one.
John: He is the violent one.
Jared: (shocked) Then what about _me_?!!
Asuka: (can't pass this one up) What about you, pervert?!
Jared: (lights her plans on fire) Eh, hehehehe....
Asuka: Yipe!
John: (head in hands, to the Faceless Minions and the clerk at the same
time) We'll take the one the girl wants.
[After things settle down a bit... and Jared gets a few more bruises,
the group is back on the sidewalks, making their way to a store to get
the only thing FURNITURE WORLD didn't have.]
Jared: Have we done well so far?
John: (brooding) So far.
Jared: (ticking items off on his fingers) We have beds, plus some
shelving and room for future clothing. We have the basic bathroom
amenities, right guys?
Andy: NERV issue, but they'll do for now.
Jared: (continuing) Good. We also have some chairs and (nods to Asuka) a
couch. The dining room table was included with the apartment. I got the
kitchen accessories and the AV gear is on its way.
John: We're still missing one thing.
Jared: Oh, that.
Andy: What?
John: (to Andy) Don't worry about it.
Andy: Guys?
Jared: (to Andy) Don't worry about it.
Andy: GUYS!
Jared & John: What?
Andy: (hands in fists, classic DBZ power-up pose) What are we
forgetting?
Jared: Coffee maker, dude. John and I need our regular doses of caffeine.
Andy: (drops out of pose) Why?
John: This is Japan, country of world famous workaholics, and NERV is
notorious for--
Jared: (elbowing John) Don't scare the poor boy.
John: Just pointing out the facts.
Jared: Okay, let's try the last place on the list. Once we have the
coffee maker, we get some coffee and then we--
John: (looking haggard) Go home and sleep.
Jared: (mirroring John) Amen.
Andy: (scratching his head) Coffee? Why coffee. We don't need coffee
right now. It kind of strikes me as a finishing touch sort of thing...
(everyone is a ways down the street) Guys! Wait up!
----------
[Misato's apartment. Rei sits quietly out of the way, drinking a cup of
tea, Misato noisily slurps up some instant ramen, Shinji is sitting at
the table doing homework (and trying to keep Misato's food from doing
some of it for him), and Asuka paces the apartment's only open floor
space.]
Asuka: I can't believe those guys. The _nerve_!
Misato: (around a mouthful of noodles) What's wrong with them? Besides
the obvious.
Asuka: The blonde guy wanted a couch that turned into a bed. The psycho
wanted one with a whole bunch of remote controls, and it looked
absolutely _hideous_, and John wanted one with a built-in entertainment
center. Then two of them started arguing over the stereo equipment
and... things got ugly. They couldn't even decide on a couch! Frankly,
I'll be amazed if they can bathe and dress themselves without trouble.
Misato: Okay. Shinji, how was the trip.
Asuka: (slams her hands down on the table between Misato and Shinji)
Boring and deliriously obnoxious. Ooooh!
Shinji: (looks sideways at Asuka for a minute) Well, they certainly
are... spirited people. (he looks down at his homework) Noisy, though.
Asuka: (realizes she's being ignored; tries to butt into the
conversation) See?!
Misato: (ignoring Asuka, finishes her noodles and turns to Rei) What did
you think of them, Rei?
Rei: as Ikari says, they're noisy.
Asuka: (under her breath) And hard to understand, and never listen to
me...
Misato: It sounds like you guys had a good time. (the pilots, save Rei,
stare at her) Well, I'm off to bed. Early day tomorrow!
[In the ensuing silence, we hear a loud sneeze from next door.]
John: (through the wall, in English) How come this place is so dusty?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
End Episode 3.
* Arabic numerals are what most Americans are familiar with. I'm not
even sure if numbers have a Kanji equivalent. Go to Japan and you'll
the Yen symbol with Arabic numerals everywhere. Of course, you can't
tell what you're buy without a picture because the description is
usually in Kanji anyhow.
Next Episode: (John voice over; a loud yawn is heard) What?
Jared: (off-set) The preview for episode four, you idiot!
John: (voice over) Huh? Oh, that... umm....
Jared: (off-set) You know, the one you've been keeping secret from us?
John: (voice over) That's because I haven't written it yet!
[A long pause follows.]
Jared: (off-set) We're still on mike.
John: (voice over) The Hell we are.
[The microphone is turned off.]
Ver 1.0 Jul 6, 2001
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