Episode 8 "The Digital Assassin / Of Rats and Apes"

DISCLAIMER: We don't own the rights to Neon Genesis: Evangelion (NG:E or
Eva for short). We never did. I mean, really, if we owned such a crazy
and brilliant creation as Eva, we wouldn't be writing this piece-of-
cr.... uh Fanfiction, yeah. In fact, we would probably be trying to
build REAL Eva's so we could bump off each other and TAKE OVER THE
WORLD!!!! BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAAAA!!!! Wait, we're already doing
that.

WARNING: As with the last episode expect more of the same here, with
BIGGER and GETTER, uh BETTER EXPLOSIONS.
 
NOTE: This is a Tag Team Fan Fiction project. This means the other two
goons are given full-eign to harass me until such time as this chapter
is finished. At which time, one of THEM has to write the next chapter
and harassing rights return to myself (turnabout is fair play). Unless
of course it takes me too long to write, at which point all three of us
will put this chapter together. You'll be able to tell when that
happened because the writing will suddenly get better, get worse, and
then completely vanish. I mean... get magnificent.

ALSO: This takes place in an anime (Japan, unless outer space is
involved) so technically everyone is actually speaking Japanese. But for
the sake... Why am I wasting time explaining this, read the ALSO: in
part 7's disclaimer if you want. I got characters to torture and
EXPLOSIONS, YES, MY PRESIOUSSSSS!!!... uh, uuu, to create. Look over
there! (runs off)
 
--------------

[As we rejoin our continuing (AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!) story, (or, like
most of you, are forced to suffer through) the hated Morning has once
again decided to grace^H^H^H^H^Hcurse the Land of the Rising
Sun. Silence hangs over the land like a funeral shroud; as if the world
is a stage waiting for its actors to grace its existence with Madness,
Perversion, and Evil once more. The world does not have long to wait,
though. For in apartment 724 _things_ are stirring...]

Andy: (unusually cheerful for this time of day) LET'S GO! ON YOUR
FEET!!! MOVE IT OUT! (Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6 mode) GO!GO!GO!GO!GO!GO!

[Andy is so hyper today that he hasn't noticed that the other goons are
already up. Yet. John and Jared are sitting at the kitchen table while
Andy rushes around the apartment trying to find his comrades, even
walking right past the table several times without noticing them.]

Jared: (sigh) I told him not to mix Super Dew and coffee.

John: (reading a newspaper) Andy hasn't had any sort of Dew this
morning. And we agreed to switch to decaf until he could get his
Chibijin form under control.

Andy: (wandering by) Where the hell are those morons!!

Jared: Almost seems like pre-fight jitters.

John: Yeah, but who would he be fight--

Jared & John: --WE FORGOT ABOUT THE ELEVENTH ANGEL!

Andy: (still ignoring everything, Starcraft Space Marine mode) JACKED UP
AND GOOD TO GO!

Jared: Hey... that's the one when Asuka has to get nekkid! (you can hear
his brain go 'boink')

John: That's... partially correct. Unfortunately, as pilots we may have
to take the "pure-subject" test as well.

Andy: (running by) Hey! I'm talking to you, boy! 

Jared: (ignoring Andy) Asuka naked naked Asuka naked naked Asuka Asuka.

John: That's right, The angel will attack the MAGI itself too. This is
an enemy that we cannot fight in our Evas.

[That gets Andy's attention.]

Andy: NONSENSE! We can obliterate the Angel once it's in the MAGI
system! Problem solved.

John: We need the MAGI intact, Mucha.

Jared: (agreeing) Naked Asuka.

Andy: (Piccolo-mode) The MAGI! They need the MAGI! (powers up)

John: Unit-04 won't get finished if you blow up the MAGI, Mucha.

Andy: ... Ok. I'll finish Unit-04 first! (runs out of the apartment)

Jared: (shakes his head) Naked naked. Asuka naked?

John: Nah. I'll grab something on the way to work.

Jared: Naked.

John: I'd snap out of it before you run into any of the kids.

Jared: (dismissive wave) Asuka naked Asuka.

----------

[In the hills just outside Tokyo-3, Weather Monitoring Station 690 seems
like any other of the countless monitoring stations mankind set up after
2nd Impact in hopes of detecting advanced warnings of Angel attack, but
in reality it is a SEELE listening post to spy on NERV.  At this moment,
several of the agents are having a discussion.]

Agent#1: Any further info regarding those three?

Agent#2: Nothing. It's like they know we're listening and discuss
nothing coherent. Either that, or they're idiots.

Agent#56: Wait, what's that over there? On that hill!

[Zooming in on the hill, we see Andy. The oldest of the three American
is wearing his trademarked smirk, and oddly enough (but still not
surprising considering who we're talking about), the garb of a Scottish
highlander. Most suspiciously, he is armed with a back-worn two-handed
claymore. If this is not good enough clue as to what is about to happen,
then the blue and white warpaint and the army of similarly equipped FM
won't help you.]

Andy: (BAD Scottish accent) You may take our lives, but YOU WILL NEVER
TAKE OUR CREATIVE FREEDOM!!!

Faceless Minions: RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Agents: AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

[This utter nonsense will eventually be deleted for you by Insanity
Productions. Because we can and we hate you.]

----------

[The Dark Lai--I mean, The Goons Office.]

John: Andy! Where were you? Why do you have a blood-stained claymore?

Andy: Just a bit on nonsense from the current author. Er, I mean... I had
to blow off some stream.

John: (dismissively) Whatever. At least you're on time, unlike a certain
pervert.

Andy: (washing off paint) Jared. Where is he? 

John: Judging from current events, he should be entering the room right
about...

[Jared suddenly comes flying through the door, slams into the far
wall, and falls onto the couch. There is a red hand print on his cheek.]

John: --Now? (low whistle) _That's_ a hell of a bank shot. (to the Jared)
Now, what is your so called plan?

Andy: Wait, I thought you could handle that.

John: I've filled my quota. Besides, I used up all my tech-points with
the Rahn-ZERO system, and that was with help from the whole of Sector
7. You remember the last time I tried to program in high school.

Andy: (as if reciting a memorized excuse) There were no major casualties
and the building was insured.

John: Still, this is Jared's area of expertise.

Jared: My what with the who now? Is she hot?

John: You are going to program a disk to counter the Angel's super-
evolution once it tries to invade the MAGI.

Jared: How?

John: < ^_^ > You'll think of something.

Andy: We've watched Eva enough times! With my keen eye for pointless
details we can figure out what keys Ritsuko pressed and recreate the
exact program.

John: .............. The sad part is, that's the best plan we have. I
suppose we all know what the fail-safe is. (grim nods from around the
room) Get on it.

Jared: If memory serves me--

John: (interrupting) And it doesn't.

Jared: (glare, but otherwise ignoring John) Not only did Maya help with
half of the programming, but the camera angle didn't even show the
screen or the keyboard!

Andy: There was the blinding glare from her glasses reflecting the
screen, the minute movements of her shoulders and, of course, the canned
typing soundtrack mostly obscured by the dramatic music. It's like
they're just giving it to us!

Jared: Yes! More than enough!

John: Her glasses were just white and her shoulders didn't move, it was
cheaply produced anime for the LOVE OF GOD!

Andy: Nonsense, I saw her subtle movements.

John: Those were discrepancies in the cell photography!

Andy: Hey! Who helped you figure out what they were typing in Ghost in
the Shell?

John: THAT'S WHAT LED TO THE COMPUTER SCIENCE INCIDENT!

Andy: (dismissive wave) Details, details.

[While John leaves to have another coronary, Jared and Andy begin
discussing their new project.]  

----------

[A little while later at La Casa De Goon...]

Jared: That should be enough for the virus. Now, on to the important
issues. John appears to have gained greater powers than any of us should
by this point.

Andy: This doesn't make sense! How could Genoni get stronger than us?

Jared: Hmm, let's look at this... He's a Goon, like us.

Andy: And thus recovers from injury proportionately to the seriousness
of the injury.

Jared: Is a DBZ fan, like us.

Andy: And thus gains power in proportion to the injury recovered,
Saiyajin-style.

Jared: He thinks he's a Jedi of some kind.

Andy: And so if struck down, is granted power beyond imagination.

Jared: And seems to be possessed by some sort of Essence of
Evil... Hmmm, that sounds like some kind of Calvin Klein fragrance.

Andy: Which may be sucking his life away every second.

Jared: That would mean that if his Goon healing power is countering the
parasitic demon's leeching, then he's constantly getting stronger! Add
to that, whatever power John gets from the duration of being Possessed.
Add to _that_, all the injuries he gets daily around NERV from acting
like a conceited jerk!

Andy: Then the answer is clear! We must get possessed!

Jared: < -_-; > Uh, Andy?

Andy: No possession?

Jared: Try again.

Andy: We... < o_0 > must act like conceited jerks?

Jared: We already do that!

Andy: Hmmm... What advantages over Genoni do we have?

Jared: Well, we get into life-threatening accidents a lot more often due
to inattention and a tragically twisted 'common sense.'

Andy: I see... More 'accidents' then?

Jared: Hmmm, we were going to step those up anyway, things are getting
dull around here.

Andy: Oh yeah. Hmm...

Jared: So if we can match John's slow and steady growth with our idiotic
leaps and bounds, then I suppose the only thing left to do would be
to...

Andy: Protect Genoni from his justified beatings?! You can't be serious!

Jared: It's the only way we'll even have a chance to catch up! And it
will give us the opportunity to take the damage for him, thus robbing
him of potential power-ups!

Andy: I see your point, but protect my oldest foe?! I'd never live it
down!  

Jared: It's hard for me to suggest too, but... wait. There may be
an alternative.

Andy: I'm listening.

Jared: Perhaps if we didn't actively try to kill him, that would lessen
the incoming damage!

Andy: < o_0 > You mean stop booby-trapping his belongings and common
routes? I almost like the protection idea better.

Jared: The point is we have to decrease the incoming damage to Genoni.

Andy: Fine, I'll start disabling the apartment, you work on the office.

Jared: < 0_0 > Oh crap! The office!

----------

[Outside The Office of DOOOOOOOO~OOOOOOOM!!! (crack, boom)]

[John, cup of coffee in hand reaches for the door handle.]

Jared: (Instant transmitting) DON'T! Er, I mean, Let me get that for you
good buddy, old pal of mine.

John: What did you break?

Jared: (poor attempt at innocence) Nothing... yet. I just, uh, figured
with your hands full, I could do the chivalrous thing and open a door
for a friend.

John: (looking at his obviously empty free hand) Riiiight.

Jared: Are you going to protest this like some kind of psycho-type
feminist or are you going to let me help?!

John: < -_- > Then open it.

Jared: Right... Um, are you sure you have to be in the office, this
minute?  

John: (starts tapping his foot) I'm waiting.

[Jared squeezes his eyes shut trying to brace himself. After a deep
breath he turns the handle.]

[A six-foot thick twenty-foot long log bursts from the doorway, isn't
even slowed down by the opposite wall and continues to punch a hole out
of the pyramid and sails about five hundred more feet into the
geosphere lake. Stunned and screaming office workers start looking
through the hole only to see Genoni's dismissive 'get back to work'
wave.]

John: (out loud to...) I remember that one from High School, boy was
Mister Fergeson surprised. Though I don't think we ever found Jason, the
class suck-up.

[Out on the water, what's left of Jared is scraping himself off the
front of the battering ram.]

Jared: PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~(gurgle)~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII-
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!

John: (in the distance, protesting) That's my line!

[Andy lands on the log, carefully balancing for a moment before he
remembers he can fly (having forgotten that he had flown there in the
first place), and resigns to hovering.]

Andy: Ah, the old Spring-launched-battering-ram-behind-the-door
trick. I'd forgotten about that one. Any way, I came up with a
brilliant, if I do say so... and I say so... so it's brilliant... Uh,
where was I? Oh yes, a way to leap ahead of John. All we'll need is an
N2 mine and a place the authorities won't easily stop us... Like the
Gobi Desert! Coming?

----------

[Beautiful, scenic Hellhole... in other words, the Gobi desert.
Scorpions the size of family sedans, barren desert, dinosaur bones and
archaeologists are the only noticeable occupants to this wasteland. The
chaotic weather patterns of Second Impact did nothing to tame the land,
even the coast of China being moved a hundred miles inland didn't help.]

[Yes, the pair of Goons picked a fine uninhabited place to detonate
their stolen Non-Nuclear bomb.]

[I did mention the giant scorpions, right?]

Jared: Just keep them off me for a few minutes!

Andy: I'll rock them like a hurricane!

Jared: < o_0 > What the fuck?

[Andy shrugs. In response, Jared shrugs and starts fiddling with the
detonation controls. Designed to keep even people who know what they are
doing from recklessly activating mankind's biggest firecracker, Jared
tries to dig through the safety features while Andy is left to battle
the swarm.]

Jared: Watch it! I need to be careful or this thing will explode!

Andy: Isn't that what we want?

Jared: ... Ooooooh yeah. (pulls a hammer out of somewhere) Brace
yourself!

----------

[Central Dogma, but a few minutes later. Fuyutsuki puts down the green
phone and glares at the space in front of what used to be Gendo's
chair. On cue, John materializes.]

John: What?

Fuyutsuki: China thinks they're being bombed.

John: How is this my problem?

Fuyutsuki: They claim to be missing an N2 device. We are also missing
'pilots' Waddell and Mucha. They are away from their Mini-MAGIs, and
let's face it, if anyone was stupid enough to--

John: Don't bother to finish that sentence, please, I think the audience
know's what is coming well enough.

[John slides backward a few feet into the shadows of the Central Dogma.]

Fuyutsuki: (following the goon) Audience of wha-- (a ceiling tile hits
him on the head) Ow.

----------

[Tokyo-3 has an airport.]

[Uh...]

[I mean, open on the Tokyo-3 airport. A clean, modern, and stupidly huge
affair built using the latest architecture, it is home to the most
advanced technologies in aviation. A gleaming white mini-metropolis on
it's own right, it is run by the biggest morons, and home to the most
lax security system known to man.]

[Guess what's coming next. Just guess.]

[Close in on one of the biggest parking lots ever created by man. Jared
calls it "a little playpen for my baby."]

[And near Jared's baby...]

Jared: (straining) Okay, okay, I think I got it...

[Clang!]

Jared: Aaarrg! That was my foot, mother fucker!

Andy: Hey, _you_ said you had it!

Jared: Did I or did I not say "let go?"

Andy: You said you had it.

Jared: I know I fucking said I had it! I fucking said it! I _didn't_ say
to drop the fucking thing on my fucking foot!

Andy: Don't go accusing me of--

[Clank!]

Andy: Ooow! That was my head, motherfucker!

[Crunch!]

Jared: You're paying for that finger, you bastard!

[An elderly couple walks by, their wide open eyes pinned on the arguing
duo fighting with a very large, cigar-shaped, metal object.]

Andy: Sorry! Just had a bad weekend!

Jared: Yeah, just got back from camping!

[The two turn to glare at one another.]

Jared: Does this remind you of the time--

Andy: --we were in the mall talking about--

Jared: --our most recent Unreal Tournament match--

Andy: --talking about shooting rockets into crowds--

Jared: --and sniping at each other, and we were--

Andy: --getting weird looks from all the shoppers?

Jared & Andy: (sim.) Yes.

Jared: Now help me stick this long, hard object into this tight, dark
hole!

[I'll leave the look on Andy's face to your imagination. Needless to
say, he drops the object after but a split-second of thought.]

Andy: ... UGH!

Jared: Did I just say--

Andy: DON'T repeat it!

[Jared slides the warhead into the trunk and slams it shut.]

Jared: Let's roll.

[Cue a silver 'whoosh!' from behind Andy.]

Jared: < 0_0 > GETINTHEFUCKINGCAR!

Andy: In a minute, in a minute... am I--

[Jared bodily grabs the goon and shoves him into the car.]

Andy: (head resting on the floor, arms still crossed over his chest) Was
that really necessary, Waddell?

[Tires squeal, seven hundred horsepower comes to life in the form of yet
another nearly-ruined set of tires, and the CHASE OF THE DAY IS ON!]

---------

[Cue "Mona Lisa Overdrive" by Juno Reactor and John Davis. You know what
that means, don't you? It's time for another Matrix ripoff!]

[Jared's Chevelle weaves through traffic, sometimes even staying on all
four wheels, as it dodges the much smaller local vehicles. The Limited
Access highway that provides a direct link from the airport to Tokyo-3
has three lanes in either direction separated by a concrete median for
the health-nuts who prefer to bike a highway. It being the middle of the
day, there's plenty of traffic in and out as people and products make
their journeys.]

[If having a live N-2 in the backseat isn't bad enough, there is
apparently a stern talking-to if John ever catches up with them. Of
course, that wouldn't be enough.]

Andy: I can't believe you wired the non-nuke to your car for 'just a few
extra amps.'

Jared: It was just sitting there! Doing nothing to contribute to the
extra weight my poor engine has to compensate for. To meet the air code
I had to rig an electric motor under the hood and it needed the extra
juice!

Andy: But, the detonator?

Jared: I, uh, needed a challenge. What do you care, we stole the bomb to
blow it up anyway.

Andy: But that was supposed to be after we boosted its power! That
explosion was pitiful, it barely singed my eyebrows!

Jared: Maybe if _someone_ didn't get hit by an Angel last attack, they
might have _noticed_ the fury and power of an N2 mine!

Andy: I'm more surprised that the shockwave that barely crushed our
bones was able to put out the fire in your hair.

Jared: What fire?

Andy: Nevermind, it's not worth it.

Jared: You'd think John would've caught up to us by now.

----------

[You'd think that, what with John's modified Astin Martin. He's made
longer distances in less time. But you know how when you want to go
somewhere and there always seems to be that old driver who keeps
blocking you?]

John: (honking his horn, though not exactly caring if he "accidentally"
pushes the wrong button) For the Love of--MOVE IT GRANDPA!

[Up ahead is a van, sleek like a tiger, fierce like a lion, powerful
like a bear, but since from this angle you'd be picturing them ass-first
we'll just move on. Someone has apparently stolen Misato's new Minivan
From Hell. And the driver responds to John's demand.]

Crazy Old Man #24: (leaning out the window shaking a staff, long gray
bread flapping in the breeze) YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!!

John: (blink) Oh no... Not him... I thought I was done with Ritsuko's
Minions.

COM #24: Take the wheel, KeyRing-Bearer! This will only take a moment!

Some Midget: I can't reach the pedals! Have the pretty-boy drive!

[Whatever the argument was, the Crazy Old Man wasn't going to hear
it. He was already climbing onto the roof of the Minivan. Back at the
Astin Martin, John was cussing a storm at that for all the offensive
power he had at his fingertips, the defensive ability of the Minivan
trumped out in the end. With no alternative immediately visible, John
set the auto-drive and leapt out his window to the roof of a nearby
car.]

John: What the hell is your problem?! 

COM #24: You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of
the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you,
flame of Udun!

John: I'm not the flame of Udun.

COM #24: Go back to the Shadow--what?

John: (repeating) I am not the Flame of Udun. Those were the
balrogs. This isn't even Ancient Europe, this is the Japan of the
Apocalyptic Future.

COM #24: (seems to be faltering) I'm--I'm leading a quest to... destroy
a key... to a most terrible power.

John: Sure you are. Listen, does Mis-chan know you have her ride?

COM #24: My Mistress gave me permission to use all available means.

John: So you swiped the keys off Katsuragi's desk. It seems you fear the
Doctor more than the Major. Fine, great, wonderful, why are you stopping
me from catching up with my friends?

COM #24: I thought it was obvious, I.... Oh, you mean you're not after
us? Well, heh, in that case, of course you can pass. I'll just get back
into the Van and we'll be on our way.

John: (suspiciously) Just what is this key you speak of?

COM #24: Nothing! Nothing. Just a little bauble. Nothing to worry about.

John: May I see it?

COM #24: Insolent welp! I said it's no business of yours!

Ruggedly Handsome Ranger: (leaning out the window) Hey wizard! That
blender in the back seat is throwing a fit!

[One can hear James cursing loudly, and spinning his blades in anger.]

COM #24: Not now!

John: GIVE ME BACK MY BLENDER, YOU OLD GOAT!

COM #24: NEVER!

[The Gray Wizard stabs his staff at the Psycho Goon and a burst of light
nearly knocks John and the car he's under into the median. Hopping
forward a few cars, John is forced to dodge a fireball that sears its
way up the traffic until it burns the paint of a large trunk.]

Andy & Jared: (both leaning out) PLEASE! DO NOT! SHOOT! AT THE
THERMONUCLEAR WEAPON!

[So we've seen these two cause panic in a lunchroom, a batting cage, and
Lord knows how many other places. It's time to chalk up "Terror at 100
kph."]

[Back down the traffic line.]

John: Those idiots. (dodges another blast) I wonder if a well-timed
Saiyajin Mine Trick will affect the Minivan From Hell?

[John does a quick and dirty speed calculation, then trusts two
fingers up. A second later, John's Astin Martin dutifully following the
Minivan is forced up into the air and over the side of the banking wall.
It skids and tumbles for about thirty meters and then the engine
explodes.]

[A giant flaming cross fills the Chevelle's mirror.]

Andy: (Gundam Wing-style) Are we under attack?

Jared: I knew that slimy worm was hiding something, but I didn't think
he'd go and jack an S2 core into his ride!

[Back down the road.]

John: (eye twitching, Darkness level fluctuating) MY CAR! My FUCKING
[CAR]!

COM #24: (a note of worry) Now now, young feller, don't go off the
handle on this.

[John glared murder at the Gray Wizard, momentarily rendering the old
man's protection spell visible. The American leapt to a closer car and
fired a nameless energy blast at the Minivan.]

[The driver, a pointed-eared man who had no business being that pretty,
panicked and swerved; he obviously didn't know that John's attack was
futile anyway. But the sudden movement almost dislodged the Old Man
still on top. John's second leap and tackle finally removed the wizard
from the roof and put the pair of combatants on the back of a passing
semi-trailer.]

----------

[Meanwhile, Ritsuko's office.]

Misato: (entering without knocking, casually catching the guillotine,
and sitting down) Dr. Akagi--

Ritsuko: (rolls her eyes) Oh boy.

Misato: I discovered that a certain item was missing from my office
today and naturally sought out the security footage to discover when and
who took that item. Imagine my surprise when I recognized the thief as
one of your personal bodyguards. Of course, I am not implicating you in
this theft, I merely am seeking the most likely source of leads so I may
find the perpetrator and ram my foot so far up his wrinkled ass he'll be
spitting leather for a week!

Ritsuko: (sighs) Which one did it?

Misato: The Gray Wizard. Fancies himself some kind of Tolkein-esque--

Ritsuko: I am well aware of the neurosis of my guards, Major. That one
in particular is responsible for a supply shortage on two levels. Keeps
finding things he claims must be destroyed where they were manufactured.

Misato: (even more angry, speaking slowly) He. Took. The. Keys. To. My.
New. Ride.

Ritsuko: Relax, I don't think he wants to destroy it, I think it's just
for transportation purposes. It's not like he can ding the fender on
that beast anyway.

Misato: It's the principle of the thing!

Intercom: Dr. Akagi! Major Katsuragi! There was a S2 explosion detected
on the west turnpike of highway 134!

Ritsuko: (into the little voice box) I doubt you've scanned an Angel all
day, Aoba. Send a clean-up crew there and warn the PR department. (to
Misato) Well, Major, I would reckon that's where your "ride" is. I doubt
we're lucky enough for one of them to have finally died, so may I
suggest an armed hovercraft?

Misato: Screw the Americans, I'm going to shave every one of your guards
that has laid a finger on my car. (gets up to leave) You hear me? Shaved!

Ritsuko: (devilishly thoughtful) Bring back pictures!

----------

[A Limited-Access Highway, Toyko-3]

[The Gray Wizard has managed to get out from under the pissed off Goon,
worse for wear but still standing and fighting. He's drawn a one-handed
long sword that seems to be glowing white in John's presence.
Fortunately for the Goon, John was still feeling righteously undignified
about his car's destruction and managed to summon a metal pipe to defend
himself with.]

[The Gray Wizard attacks with staff and steel trying to force the Goon
off the trailer and onto the pavement, but the Psycho parries and holds
his ground. They trade moves for a few tries but then a large dense
object impacts the semi-trailer nearly tipping the trailer over. The
Crazy Old Man manages to regain his balance, but John isn't so lucky and
tumbles off the trailer.]

[Of course, John can fly and does so to land back on the trailer to
inspect the interruption.]

Andy: (bursting from the hole, Ed McMahan-style) HI-YOO~!

John: ANDY! What the hell are you doing here?!

Andy: There you are! What's the hold up? It's so boring up there I had
to chase myself!

John: ......... That has got to be the most... ANDY thing I have ever
heard!

Andy: < ^_^ > Thank you. (finally notices the wizard when a blast of
force washes over his ki shield) Oh, One of the Crazy Old Men. Well,
I'll leave you to it then. (Instant Transmission)

John: (to the empty air) NO! STOP! DAMN IT!

[Up at the Chevelle...]

Jared: (singing) There were funky Chinamen, from funky Chinatown, they
were choppin' them up, they were knockin' them down. It's an ancient
Chinese art and everybody-- (Andy reappears) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Andy: (feeling left out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jared: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Andy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jared: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Andy: AAAAAAAAhhhhhh! That was fun. Why are we screaming again?

Jared: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T DO THAT!!!

Andy: Do what?

Jared: That!

Andy: What in blazes are you babbling about, Son of Waddell?

Jared: Nevermind, where's John?

Andy: < ^_^ > Who's John?

Jared: Don't start with me.

Andy: Fine, (stick out his tongue and pouts) You're less fun. He's...
How does he always put it? Oh yes. He's fighting for his life and
freedom a mile back on a semi.

Jared: That jerk. Always thinking about himself.

Andy: Well I'd wish you were paying more attention to the road, there's
some construction up ahead and we don't want to--

[CRUNCH! wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-ting.]

[What? No Boom? Oh, yeah, the semi is still on the way. Heheheh...]

[Speaking of which.]

[John crosses steel with the Gray Wizard again. The pipe isn't going to
hold up to much more fancy dueling. Looking for something else to fight
with, the Goon notices that traffic has thinned out. In fact, save for
the Minivan From Hell trying to keep up with the semi-truck, there isn't
anybody else on the road anymore. And come to think of it, the driver
had leapt out when no one was watching too.]

John: Great, all we need is a conveniently placed roadblock and we
have the makings of a lot of pain... or a great action shot.

[Then John spies the wrecked Chevelle against some construction
equipment.]

John: (backs away from the wizard) Well, it's been a pain in the ass. So
long, sucker! (flies off)

[At the Chevelle.]

Jared: (croaking) paaaa~iiinn....

Andy: (crazy from pain?) If we heal from this we shall be unto Gods! Or
rather, I will. (spies the runaway rig barreling down on them) WOO-HOO!
More power-ups!

Jared: My muscle car just became a compact! I'd like a moment of
silence!

Andy: If I may say a few words?

Jared: Sure.

Andy: < -_- > A. Semi. Truck. Is. About. To. Kill. Us.

Jared: < -_- > Amen.

Andy: What about our nuke?

Jared: You mean that thing that flew through our window and skidded a
hundred yards that-a-way. (pointing forward) I wouldn't worry, those
things are made for abuse. We can pick it up later, or steal from the
warehouse where the rest of our confiscated stuff is.

Andy: Screw this, I'm out of here. (Instant Transmission)

Jared: Hey! (Instant Transmission)

[The Semi.]

[Feeling suddenly very alone as the out-of-control truck charges the
construction blockade, the Crazy Old Man looks for the Minivan From Hell
but the Bishonen behind the wheel had already gotten off the road.]

[Then the Gray Wizard sees something he might use. He takes a giant leap
and grabs a wire hanging out of a box-like object with about twenty
raised buttons. This object with small blades whirling in a frenzy
boosted its own power to stay aloft and drifted away from the highway
moments before the Semi crashed into the wreckage before it, blew its
fuel tanks spectacularly, ruining its unidentified cargo.]

----------

[A small concrete playground. James is still straining to stay airborne
but as drifted low enough that the Crazy Old Man lets go and lands
easily. Suddenly less 150 pounds, James rockets away out of control. The
Old Man smooths out his robes and summons his staff. Pretending to be
enfeebled again, he hobbles to the street just as the Minivan from Hell
pulls up. The door opens automatically and he enters casually.]

[Only now he notices that his Fellowship is bound and gagged, minus any
hair on their bodies. Panic rises as the driver's chair spins around.
Fury is in the Major's eyes and an old-fashioned razor blade is in her
hand.]

Misato: Scream.

----------

[The Forbiddin Office...]

Jared: (finishing up) And that's why we needed the clown shoes.

John: Ok, That makes sense. But why were you racing through Tokyo with a
Chinese N2 device?

Jared: There weren't near enough car chases in the last episode.
 
[A ceiling tile falls on Jared's head.]

John: Be that as it may, it was a very poor choice of activities. The
Angel could come any day now. Is the program ready?

Jared: That, I suppose, is the good news. (holds up a CD) In case of
Angel attack, insert into non-organic slot. Pure genius is not for
everyone, free rides for the Ladies.

John: And where is your partner in terror?

Jared: We're not partners! We just have parallel goals for the moment.

John: (tapping his foot) Well?

Jared: Maybe he's sneaking up behind you for an ambush so he either
defeats you or gets pummeled so badly his power-level increases
dramatically.

John: That's silly. You're silly.

[John sits down at his desk just as Andy comes out of the ceiling
screaming.]

Andy: (descending from above in full ninja garb) JOHN GENONI, PREPARE TO
DIE!

[He swings a metal pipe wildly at thin air, then dashes out of the
room. Five seconds later, he's dressed normally and enters whistling
innocently and adjusting an imaginary tie. What follows is a model
office scene, the three workers diligently going through reports and
signing forms. Then all stops after two minutes.]

The Three Goons: Dew Sense Tingling!

----------

[Several levels down there is a small office party going on. Present are
the Bridge crew, some Section 7 guys, Kaji of course, Ritsuko, Fuyutsuki
and some other personnel. The Children are also there along with Kensuke
and Hikari by special permission and beta-4 visitor passes. Misato is
hosting and apparently celebrating the return of her ride. She's thrown
larger parties for lesser reasons, so no one's asking questions.]

[Little more than a nice get-together, the music isn't loud and booze is
limited. So it's mostly microwave nachoes and pop from the vending
machines. Although a large section of pop is present, no one is touching
the Mt. Dew. Like superstitious villagers they pick from anything but
the green-yellow ambrosia.]

[Then Kensuke, without a thought otherwise grabs a can and pulls the
tab.]

[KSSSH.]

[The hiss of escaping carbon dioxide seems to echoes throughout the
large room. The music slowly dies as Kensuke starts doing the Dew. Only
the sound of Aida's swallows can be heard now and party-goers step away
from him in fear. Shinji, forever spooked by any green soda, tries to
shout in warning, but his voice fails.]

[Done with the can, Kensuke crunches it to show off his fragile
strength.]

[A collective gasp passes through the throng of people.]

[Not noticing the sudden attention, Kensuke aims the can and tosses it
into the recycle bin.]

[In the silence, its as loud a din as a train wreck.]

[Kensuke is suddenly in Misato's hands, not in a good way.]

Misato: FOOL OF A AIDA! Why did you drink that?!

Kensuke: (about to cry) I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I--

[doom.]

[Straining their ears, the guests listen.]

[doom. Doom. Doom.]

Fuyutsuki: They are coming.

[Andy's Viking Slave Drums continue faster.]

[Doomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoom.]

[Taking action, Kaji rushes to the door and leans out only a fraction of
a second before jerking back in. A second later paint pellets hit the
open doorjamb. Slapping the close button Kaji leans against the door as
if to brace it.]

Kaji: (mild shock) They have a cave troll.

[The effect of the message sinks in after a few seconds. Nameless
technicians bolt out the only other door and in a panic lock it behind
them. Misato stabs at the door's security panel futilely while shouting
at Ritsuko.]

Misato: Why do they have a cave troll?!

Ritsuko: (modestly embarrassed) Some of our geneticists got to talking
and got to drinking and...

Misato: Nevermind! Sub-commander! Keep the children to the door. Makoto,
Shigeru, Maya! Get that door open! Everyone else, get ready!

[Misato draws her standard-issue, as does Kozo and Makoto. Kaji does the
same, ignoring glares that suggest a Japanese Government representative
shouldn't be armed. Ritsuko draws her .666 Desert Eagle recovered from
Super-Chibijin Andy, and also brushes her labcoat back freeing her
light saber.]

[DoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoom.]

[DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM.]

[Silence.]

[All are tense waiting for the coming stone-skinned goliath.]

[Then!]

Rei: the dew.

[Ritsuko glances at the table where the cooler of drinks was resting.
Now there is only a sheet of paper rests with bold black letters visible
to all.]

Note: SUCKERS!    ->

[Brushing aside Kozo's warding hand, Rei walks over to the note, looks
up at the ventilation grate directly above it and smiles. Turning the
note over, Rei ponders the English letters before trying to sound out
the foreign language.]

Rei: "died y-yow re-ar-ree e-expest--"

Asuka: (in frustration stomps over and tears the note from Rei's hands)
"Did you really expect to get away with serving Dew at a party we aren't
invited to? Consider your party crashed. Thanks for the pop." I'LL KILL
THEM!

Misato: (pointing a finger at Kaji) You said they had a cave troll!

[Kaji opens the door, and looks out into the hall. Everyone else quickly
joins him. To Kaji's defense ,there stands a very realistic cardboard
model of a Tolkein-esque cave troll. Being shot at by paint pellets at
the same time would cause anyone to jump to conclusions.]

Shinji: You mean there is still a cave troll down in the science
division?!

Ritsuko: Of course not.

Toji: But you said...

Ritsuko: There are a thousand projects in the science division. We
research every topic known to Man! If they really had a cave troll, then
it would have come from there, but since they don't have one, then we
obviously don't have one.

Asuka: That doesn't make sense!

Ritsuko: Put differently, they steal all of the cool stuff. They haven't
stolen it yet, so we don't have it.

Misato: (adding) Yet.

Ritsuko: Forget it! You kids have a synch test in thirty minutes, and
you civilians are out of here! (leaves down the hallway)

Misato: I'm forced to agree with Dr. Akagi, I'll escort you kids to the
surface.

Kensuke: Aw man! I thought I was invited down here to become a pilot.

Toji: That'll be doomsday. Thank you for coming down, Hikari-chan.

Hikari: (blushing) Oh, thank you for inviting me, Suzuhara-san. It
was... exciting.

Shinji: Yeah... that's the word.

[Toji and Hikari seem undecided about something for a moment before
Misato clears her throat and ushers the class president away. Toji
watches Hikari look back at him before she enters a nearby elevator.
Then the jock punches the wall.]

Toji: Damn it! ... OW!

Shinji: Well, I guess we should get going ourselves-huh?

[Shinji finally notices that Rei has quietly backed Asuka into the wall
and just finished whispering something in her ear. With Rei as
unreadable as ever, it's Asuka's pale stare that the Third Child
registers.]

[As Rei walks down the hall, and Toji follows shaking the pain out of
his knuckles, Shinji grabs Asuka's hand.]

Shinji: What happened?

Asuka: (reflexively) Nothing, baka.

Shinji (pressing ... figuratively) What did she say to you?

Asuka: Did anyone laugh?

Shinji: Huh? When?

Asuka: Did anyone laugh whenever I tried to read kanji? Before the
lessons with Psycho Sensei, I mean.

Shinji: No, no one really noticed if you had trouble. Not that you had
many reading opportunities in class. Hikari usually passes reading off
to Toji to make sure he's paying attention, if you didn't notice.

Asuka: No, I noticed. It's just that... 

Shinji: What?

Asuka: The short answer, Ikari, is I owe Wondergirl an apology, but am
scared shitless of her right now.

Shinji: Oh. Well, don't worry, I'll stand by you. But we better hurry.

Asuka: (some of the old fire back) You're the one slowing me down, baka.

[Up in the ventilation duct.]

John: Should we get going now?

Jared: Naw, let them wait a little. I mean, we know what's coming up
right?

Andy: If so, then the Angel won't be far off. We must be through with
the testing first, to afford us the best position.

Jared: Speaking of positions, I came up with this one... Guys?

[Already in the hallway,]

John: You've been acting differently recently, Mucha. Are you a spy or
clever robot sent to infiltrate our group?

Andy: There's always the Question to verify who I am.

John: That you know about the... Question grants you safe passage for
now.

Jared: (dropping into view) What question?

John: Just a little something Andy and I cooked up in grade school
before you showed up and ruined our lives.

Jared: A lark, hah! See Jared tomorrow and you would find him a grave
man... (stumbles as if suddenly stabbled in the gut; gasps for effect) I
am wounded! (points at the other two) A curse on both your houses!
(falls to the floor in rough approximation of death)

[John and Andy politely golf-clap over their "fallen" comrade.]

----------

Author Jared: Hold up, dawg.

Author John: Did you just call me a dog?

Author Jared: No I used a faulty spelling to show befriendment in a
street slang noun referring to a trustworthy person.

Author John: You can't even speak English well, why bother with slang?

Author Jared: Where's Andy?

Author John: He's far too busy with his project of memorizing every
fan-fiction ever written to bother writing anymore.

Author Jared: I fail to see how that helps. Just what are you doing?

Author John: Well for the aforementioned reasons, Andy is unable to
finish Episode 08, so he sort of tagged it off to me.

Author Jared: I mean with where this is going.

Author John: It'll be cool, the Mid-Season Extravaganza that was Episode
07 was large on purpose. This will be a nice manageable size.

Author Jared: That's refreshing. But I mean with Rei and Asuka.

Author John: How do you mean? I introduced some dramatic tension set for
almost immediate diffusion. I felt that Rei would be trying to learn
English, to impress and identify with her surrogate brother. Obviously
this can't happen in just one day, so--

Author Jared: Forget about that shit. I'm talking about this "tension."

Author John: Not enough? Too much? Overall weak attempt? Keep in mind,
I'm scabbing in what should have been my off-season.

Author Jared: No, overall you're doing good, it's just this thing with
Rei and Asuka.

Author John: What?

Author Jared: Well, first we create a tension between the two. Then we
present a situation were they are alone, unobserved, and more
importantly, naked...

Author John: Your mind is perpetually in the gutter. I'm not setting up
a naked lesbian catfight during the pure-subject test.

Author Jared: Give the fans what they want.

Author John: What fans?! I haven't heard from anybody. I feel like I'm
entertaining myself here!

Author Jared: Then YOU want a Rei/Asuka catfight!

Author John: This conversation is over.

Author Jared: (sing-song) You aren't denying it!

----------

[John walks briskly into the locker room, Andy and Jared hot on his heels.]

John: Okay, how did the plan come along?

Andy: Beautifully! Lights?

[Jared kicks the lighting down a notch while Andy pulls a small remote
from his pocket. A projector and screen appear from the ceiling and
begin a rather neat multimedia presentation.]

Andy: (narrating) Phase One.

[A diagram of a stick figure with long lines attached to it appears. It
bears more than a passing resemblance to a certain scene from 'Mission
Impossible.']

Jared: Andy I will covertly make our way to a 'critical security' area
and activate certain sensors that give us advance warning of the Angel's
movements so we can cordon off it's physical body.

[John raises an eyebrow, but no objections. The image wipes to show
three crudely drawn isometric cubes, a few random arcs, and a half-dozen
brutally maimed stick people.]

Jared: Next, we connect a remote upload system to the MAGI using our disk--

[The picture fades to a very misshapen circle with a wildly off-center,
smaller circle near the middle.]

Jared: Which we can activate via a disguised remote device that looks
like an ordinary pocket calculator.

[Another drawing appears, this one a collage of shapes and letters that
wound erratically across the screen.]

[Diagram 1: Calculator to loading CD-ROM.]

Jared: (takes a deep breath) Once the--

John: (holds up hand) Stop! I thought you were just loading some
software! Who came up with this plan? Andy?

Andy: (proudly) Obviously.

John: < -_- > You took the word right out of my mouth.

[Toji and Shinji arrive, deliberately trying to ignore the Americans.
The girls have long since had a separate locker room.]

Ritsuko: (professional, over the speakers) Pilots Mucha, Waddell, and
Genoni, please follow the guide to decontamination.

Andy: What guide?

[As if in response, a small adorable chibi winged-cat flickers into
existence and starts bouncing towards the door.]

John: You have got to be kidding me.

[But with nothing better to do, the Goons shrug and follow. The little
hologram eventually takes flight and flutters down some walkways, up
some flights of stairs down other staircases, and all around doesn't get
to anywhere quickly. Just as Andy starts eyeing ventilation ducts, the
little "helper" stops in front of a door just down the hall from the
locker room they originally left. As the door opens, Shinji and Toji
start in surprise.]

Toji: Whoa! Dudes! not cool!

Andy: ... What?

Jared: Great, more time wasted.

Shinji: (nervous, but trying to be helpful) Dr. Akagi said you'd be busy
so we should just get our tests done with.

Toji: Watch that third rinse cycle, it's a little hot.

Andy: Rinse cycle? (gears clunk into motion) Clean?! ("my dog died"
style) NO! WHY GOD? WHYYYYYYYYY?!!

Shinji: It's just like every other test... just you're naked.

John: Blasted woman (mumble mumble) ...

[The little holographic helper fluttered into view again and motioned
that the Goons follow. The two Children decided to wander towards the
command center for no better reason.]

[Once the door closed behind the Goons, however, there was a flash of
light from the hologram. The winged-cat thing's limbs and parts
stretches and distorts until it grows into a fully developed cat-girl.
Though the hologram wears simple clothing, the suggestive wink and
beckoning finger suggests that this is a temporary situation.]

John: That evens things out nicely...

Jared: Who did you have to sleep with to... oh yeah, I forgot.

Andy: Nice tech, but the image could be better if it--

John & Jared: Cram it, Mucha!

[Down a short hallway, the hologram leads the three with a wiggle in its
walk. More than once Jared takes a swipe at the image trying to grope
it, but his advances go unnoticed by the guide. At a door that opens
automatically, the hologram gesturs towards three things which appear to
be high-tech, translucent phone-booths; or mis-placed shower stalls.
Then, in apparent demonstration, the hologram walks into one and begins
shedding clothing.]

[The image flickers as the ESRB rating begins to rise. In a panic to
recover the hologram, Jared dives into the booth. It seals shut behind
him.]

Jared: Damn tease! (looking around the small room) What's this? A small
tray to set my clothing?

Dr. Akagi's voice: Disrobe and set your clothes in the tray. Oh, and
don't bother with the back-talk, this is a one-way speaker.

Andy: (muttering through the wall) I'll show you one way. There can be
only one! ... Way.

Dr. Akagi's voice: And for the shy, you'll notice a lack of cameras in
the room, as well as a waist-high divider. Pressure sensors on the floor
will tell us where you are.

John: (muttering through the wall) Not if we hover, smart-ass.

[The Goons finish undressing and step out of the booths from an opposite
door. Deliberately keeping their eyes forward, they walk (or hover
slightly) to another booth-like room. Though for one reason or another
John's are squeezed shut with his glasses held tightly in hand. After
the door shut itself, a tiny speaker crackles.]

Automated voice, but the recording could almost be Ritsuko's: Beginning
Initial rinse. Please keep eyes closed for duration of the procedure.

[Several cleaning cycles followed, spraying the Goons with different
solutions at differing temperatures. As warned, the third cycle is quite
hot. After finishing a few minutes later, the booths open to the long
hallway recognizable from the anime.]

Ritsuko: I doubt we got enough layers of filth off you three, but even
so. The test plugs are waiting gentlemen.

----------

[The girls' locker room.]

[Rei is quietly (as ever) in front of her locker. Not required to change
into anything else she is deliberately reordering the few items that
found their way into the metal box. Her replacement Mini-MAGI, NERV ID,
notepad and pen, a photograph of the Goons posing dramatically.]

[Asuka is shuffling her locker around as well. Told it was best to wait
while the Goons were processed, there is little to do in the room.]

[Well, there is ONE thing.]

Asuka: I'm sorry.

[Rei makes no response.]

Asuka: Those... guys had me so tense I acted without thinking.

[Still no response.]

Asuka: (trying another approach) Your English is very good for a
beginner. I could help tutor you, if this is supposed to be a surprise
for them. (smiles, but it falters at the lack of anything from Rei)

Asuka: Are you even there?

[Frustrated again, Asuka slams her locker shut. Lacking anything from
Rei she stomps loudly to the First Child and grabs her shoulder.]

[Rei glances at the hand, which Asuka jerks it away as if burned.]

Asuka: I said I'm sorry.

[Rei finally turns around and regards Asuka with her unfeeling stare.]

[A moment passes before another small hologram cat thing flickers into
existence.] 

[Rei quietly turns back to her locker where she makes a visible mark in
her notepad.]

Rei: even. (moves to follow the guide)

Asuka: (stares before shaking her head) Damn you and that notepad of
yours, Wondergirl!

[Unnoticed, Rei smirks.]

----------

[The Command Center a few minutes later.]

Maya: (still wearing her "Bridge Bunny" outfit) Pilots Ayanami and
Sohryu have entered the test Plugs.

Ritsuko: Begin the test.

Makoto: Ma'am? I'm reading a small bit of corrosion on one of the panels
in the test chamber.

Ritsuko: That's strange. Are you just noticing this now?

Makoto: Yes ma'am, this happened sometime between the Americans' test
and now.

Ritsuko: Send the scrubbers to take care of it. Continue with the
testing.

Makoto: Yes, ma'am.

[Some commands are inputted and a team of little yellow robots swim out
to the black spot on the wall. Strangely, an identical robot painted
blue comes out as well.]

[The Goons are still in the locker room. John is pacing waiting for
Jared to finish dressing himself. The pervert "claimed" the booth had
stolen his clothes. John meanwhile found time to change into his new
plugsuit, a mostly black and white affair and much better looking than
the green thing he wore previously. Andy's wearing his plugsuit.]

John: And you're certain the disk will work.

Jared: Would you relax? Everything will work fine.

Andy: Besides, there are other back-up plans.

John: What?!

Andy: Well, Jared has boosted the MAGI's security protocols in secret,
and I did some tweaking to some stuff on my own.

John: Like what? 

Andy: Well for one thing those weak-ass lasers on the scrubbing robots.

John: (because the world actually is falling apart around him) We're
dead.

Andy: Naw, I painted the thing blue so no one would touch it.

John: Did you change the programming?

Andy: (snaps his fingers) Next thing on my list, I swear.

[John sprints for the Command Center.]

[In the cage, two yellow scrubbers are diligently zapping the corrosion.
It goes well for a second and then the lasers are deflected by an
octagonal barrier.]

[Cue the music!]

Misato: AT Field!

Shigeru: Blue pattern detected!

[Then Andy's little helper takes up position and activates its laser.]

[A beam of light shines bright as the sun and cuts right into the AT
field and then through it. Though its barrier was broken the "structure"
of the Angel didn't have a recognizable S2 core to puncture and so the
Angel just lost a small bit of itself. The Blue's laser on the other
hand continued on straight through the wall.]

[Klaxons blare and sirens wail.]

[In the locker room.]

Jared & Andy: DIDN'T DO IT!!!

John: I was afraid of us getting caught with our pants down, but I
didn't think it would happen _literally_. Use the calculator!

Andy: You use it.

Jared: What?

Andy: Yeah, I don't have it.

Jared: You didn't give it to me! (pulling a coil of rope from... let's
just not think about it) Time for the backup plan!

Andy: (disappearing into a nearby duct) This way!

Jared: (giving chase) ANDY!

----------

[A very, very, very, VERY dark bit of duct-work somewhere in NERV.]

Jared: Are we there yet?

Andy: No.

Jared: Are we there yet?

Andy: No.

Jared: Are we there yet?

Andy: No!

Jared: Are we there yet?

Andy: NO!

Jared: Oh... are we there _yet_?

Andy: (sighs) No....

Jared: Are we there yet?

Andy: Why do you keep asking me that?

Jared: Because this rope is heavy.

Andy: What the fuck are you doing with that rope?

Jared: You always see the main character in some action movie bringing
rope along, and he always uses it! It comes in handy, you know?

Andy: But who brings fucking rope to work on a computer?

Jared: You're just jealous of my genius.

Andy: Jealous? Hah! I'm not sweaty, and exhausted, and naked _and_
carrying around some stupid fucking rope!

Jared: Take that back!

Andy: NEVER!

Jared: DIE!

Andy: YOU FIRST!

[There is a brief struggle in the duct, followed by an ominous creaking
sound. Then, with a loud BANG, the duct drops a foot.]

Andy & Jared: Uh-oh.

[Another tiny creak is heard, then the duct breaks through the ceiling
of Central Dogma, metal wrenching itself apart. Andy and Jared, tangled
up in a length of rope, come spilling out. They stop a foot or two short
of the command deck by said rope, which is caught precariously on a
small bolt sticking out of the ceiling's wreckage.]

Jared: (mocking) "But who brings fucking rope to work on a computer?"

[Jared blinks and notices a CD-ROM drive before him with a certain
well-known disc ready to be inserted.]

Jared: Oh, and there's that. (pushes the disc in)

[Andy huffs indignantly.]

Misato: (after snapping a few pictures) What the Hell are you two doing
here!

Jared: (eyes the "uploading" bar) Just hanging around. (Instant Tranmits
back to the locker room)

Ritsuko: (ignores them) Get the Evas out of there, that laser went
straight through to Cage 3!

Makoto: Unit-00 isn't responding!

Maya: The Angel is changing again!

Shigeru: It looks almost like circuitry... 

Maya: The MAGI are being hacked!!

Makoto: It's not from outside! The Angel is doing it!

Maya: There's a program that activated itself. It seems to be slowing
down the Angel's progress in the MAGI!

Andy: Yay! It works!

Jared: (reappears, in plugsuit) I'm a genius!

[An unearthly roar shakes the Command Center.]

Makoto: (forced to state the obvious) Unit-00 is now the 11th Angel.

Misato: Lock down Cage 3 and flood it with Bakelite. Move all other Evas
to the elevators for emergency launch.

Ritsuko: If the Angel gets out of the cages it's practically on top of
Terminal Dogma!

Misato: All available pilots to your Evas!

[The Goons and two of the Stooges salute and run off to the Evas.]

Fuyutsuki: Major.

Misato: Sir!

Fuyutsuki: Order pilot Ikari to stand down and evacuate Unit-01 to the
perimeter of the base.

Misato: Sir, if Unit-00 gets out we'll need all we can.

Fuyutsuki: That was an order, Major.

Misato: Why is Unit-01 so special?

Ritsuko: It wouldn't be a good idea for Unit-06X to be in the area
either.

Fuyutsuki: It's cage in Sector Seven is safe enough. Inform Pilot Genoni
to take Unit-05.

[Maya gets on the intercom for the hallway she tracked the Goons to, as
John still hasn't received his replacement Mini-MAGI.]

Misato: How long will that defensive program hold?

Ritsuko: I don't know.

Misato: What?

Ritsuko: It's not my program. (pulls up a copy which begins scrolling
code) I mean, it looks like something I might write if I wanted to force
an evolving Angel into suicide.

Misato: ...

Ritsuko: Actually that's a pretty good way to fight this one. The only
problem is that it seems to be for a much more advanced version of this
Angel.

Misato: So it should be rolling over the Angel.

Ritsuko: It's like wearing Gothic Plate to protect yourself from
Cavemen. It's too much. The Angel is throwing copies of itself at the
program and sooner or later it will break through into the MAGI.

Misato: Then what? 

Ritsuko: Then we're screwed. It could make the MAGI blow up NERV or open
all the doors for Unit-00. And there won't be any way to stop it because
the one idea that may have worked to stop it has already been played.

Misato: Well, come up with a better idea!

Ritsuko: I'm trying! (obviously thinking hard) Yes! Get me a Carrier
Pigeon!

----------

[In the cages.]

Shinji: (in Unit-01) I'm kind of glad they switched the Cages around. If
we were in the same one it'd be a nightmare.

Toji: (In Unit-07) Um, yeah...

Shinji: What's wrong, Toji?

Toji: My first Angel... And it's Ayanami's Eva.

Shinji: (quietly) It could be worse though, some one could have been
inside it.

Toji: Alright, I'm ready!

[The locks around Toji's Eva spin and release. Unit-07 is lifted out of
the Cage to a massive service tunnel.]

Shinji: Unit-01 is ready!

[Unit-01's platform begins moving as well, only it begins sliding to the
elevators.]

Shinji: What? I'm going the wrong way!

Misato: (firm voice) Unit-01 is ordered to stand down. This may be a
distraction and we need the Surface protected. (clicks not only off, but
disconnects)

Shinji: What kind of sense does that make? Misato! Misato!

[Elsewhere the Goons are at a cross roads. Literally, the hallway splits
off in three other directions where they're heading.]

John: Maya said to take Unit-05 and frankly, I'm in agreement.

Jared: That monster's too big for hallway fighting. You'd be best if you
blocked the final gate.

Andy: I'll--

John: Take 02, Andy, 04 isn't even complete.

Andy: (appalled) But!

John: Unit-04 is way too big to hallway fight either. Take Unit-02 and
show us what a real pilot can do!

Andy: (dramatically inspired) Yes, you'll see that a truly great pilot
can use even the lamest of Evas! (runs off to the Cage Unit-02 rests in)

Jared: < -_- > ... I suppose when you know a guy long enough...

John: Get going! You want him to die alone? (runs off to Unit-05)

----------

[Misato paces the command deck, her brilliant purple hair swishing and
flicking in the wake of her body, which cuts the air like the proud prow
of a warship. Tension is etched into her every movement. Nervously, her
hand slides down to a large metal cross, fashioned from polished steel
and hung from a chain of white gold. Held for fifteen long years,
through times and joy and sadness, through times of good cheer and great
loneliness, through college and military training, through the shattered
remains of her childhood after Second Impact, and beyond.]

[The pendant is, and always has been, a bastion of sanity and reason
beyond the bounds of this mortal realm. Whether rubbing it gently with
the crook of her right forefinger had any impact on fate or destiny or
the grand scheme of things was an academic question; the sole benefit
gained from this activity was the inevitable calming of her heart.]

[One of the few things that could soothe the worry weighing upon her
brow is simply not happening. On the great informational screen that
hangs above the Command Deck like the will of God pressing down on the
great unwashed masses, lay three large rectangular shapes. Two are a
pure sky blue, but the third features a new addition. Similar to the
first two, but unusual in that a collection of belligerent red squares
huddle obstinately in one corner, like an army of ants preparing to
invade a wonderful picnic.]

[Balthazar, Melchior, Caspar. Named after--]

----------

Author-John: Yo, Tolkien, I wanna see this done before Angels start
attacking _us_.

Author-Jared: (false innocence) What?

Author-John: What is this? The Lord of the Rings? Get to the action
already!

Author-Jared: What action? Your outline is like a zillion lines long!

Author-John: You always ignore my outline!

Author-Jared: Then write a coherent one! And what am I doing here
anyway, I've got the write the damn fight scenes already! Where's Andy?

Author-John: Rotting his brain with Waters Under Earth? Hell, I don't
know. Just cool it and move from the list of heroes to the actual
dialog, Homer!

Author-Jared: Then get this monkey off my back!

Monkey: (making whatever noises you can imagine a monkey making)

Author-John: Oh, sorry dude. Here, I'll take him.

----------

[Another alarm starts shrieking.]

Maya: The--

Misato: Let me guess, the Angel's broken through?

Maya: Yes, it's spreading rapidly!

[Right about now, it would be nice if that pendant _could_ affect the
outcome of this hostile takeover. Misato is considering throwing the
pendant into the MAGI in the hopes that its electrically conductive
properties will short something out, when a black figure appears next to
Ritsuko.]

Ninja Master: Ma'am?

[The figured hands Ritsuko to the key to their salvation.]

[A blender.]

Misato: ... < o_0 > ... < o_0; > ...

[Well said.]

Misato: Dr. Akagi? (when the good doctor ignores her to bid goodbye to
the Ninja Master) Dr. Akagi!

Ritsuko: Not now, Major, I've got the only thing that will help us now,
and time is of the essence.

[Misato glances at the screen showing their chances of survival crawl
past the boundaries of Balthazar and into Melchior. The entire screen
flashes red for a second, the kanji 'Self Destruct Activated" appears,
and the icons of the three computers flicker. When the light show is
done, a buzzer sounds in timing with the appearance of a new set of
kanji reading "Vote 2:1. Self Destruct Deactivated."]

Misato: By all means, doctor.

Ritsuko: (lecturing as she works, with one eye still watching the status
screen as they and the emergency program prepared by the Goons loses
ground) Okay, here's the idea, as you're so keen to hear it. This is the
Control Core from Unit-06. Unit-06 is basically an Angel in Eva's
clothing. The Control Core's purpose, as far as I can tell, is to
basically keep the Angel from blowing us all to kingdom com.

Misato: So by attaching the core to the MAGI--

Ritsuko: --it should keep this Angel from blowing us up.

[With another glance, Misato confirms that the red has covered Melchior
and another vote takes place.]

Misato: That is the dumbest plan I've ever heard! It's worse than
'center the target and press the switch!' The MAGI aren't an Evangelion!

Ritsuko: (finishing the last connections) To the core, it's all computer
code. This thing is a highly advanced A.I. designed to control the most
tricky and violent of Angels, Misato, and with any luck--

[The last connection is made with a click. The red rushes to engulf the
last of Casper with breath-taking speed.]

Ritsuko: --we all--

[And when but a single blue square is left, the rush halts. The blue
square blinks ominously.]

Ritsuko: --won't die.

[The command deck is silent. The blue square remains. Before anyone can
wonder what's going on, the red suddenly retreats, blue devouring red
like wildfire devouring the landscaping of a southern California
estate.]

Maya: Ma'am, the blue pattern is fading from the test cage!

Misato: (voicing everyone's thoughts) YES!

----------

Author-John: THAT'S IT?!

Author-Jared: (sighs) Apparently not...

Author-John: Where's the fight scene? That's what you were called in
for.

Author-Jared: What am I? A fucking surgeon?

----------

[Rewind 3.5 seconds, and do it again... IN SUPER DUPER LAG MODE!]

[Somebody shoot us.]

[Electrons wind down a length of connection cable, pulses of zeroes and
ones--]

----------

Author-John: Ahem.

Author-Jared: Oh fer chrissakes...

----------

[Electrons wind down a length of connection cable, pulses of zeroes and
ones which quickly reassemble themselves into an entity like no other.]

[James stands in the midst of a great plain. A shaft of dim blue light
seems to mark out his territory, a small circle of soft blue tile. A
figure with auburn hair, wearing a white lab coat, cowers behind him.
The man himself wears a heavy black trench coat, holds a long black
staff, and carries a fire within his eyes that promises unholy death not
seen in this universe before.]

[The land around him is cracked as a sun-bleached plane of earth, and
glows an eerie, satanic red. After a few digital seconds pass, two more
figures float in from the distant darkness, hovering over the ground as
though they command it. They are identical to the figure cowering behind
James, except for their glowing red eyes.]

[The look James gives them shows that he is severely unimpressed and
deadly serious.]

[The look he gives the author before a digital ceiling tile smacks into
the crown of his skull shows that he's most upset by the poor analogies
I'm giving him. Nonetheless, the battle must go on... and after a few
dozen million computer cycles, the evil twins attack. James counters
with his staff, keeping his feet planted within the blue circle that is
obviously his only safe territory. After a few skillful swipes, it
becomes clear that James isn't even trying. A few more skillful swipes
and the two are tossed away. As they pause to consider their next move,
James taps the ground before him, and the cracked disaster recedes in
the face of more blue tile that sprouts up before James, expanding his
'territory.']

[And wordlessly, he puts the staff at his side.]

[The two attack again, a whirlwind of punches and a sly aerial kicks
that would do many a martial artist proud. Again, no challenge on James'
part and the two are quickly thrown away.]

[This time they snarl and wait a few more cycles.]

[James raises an eyebrow, and taps another section of the floor.]

Naoko: (from behind James) I have to tell you something.

James: Tell away. They're waiting for something.

Naoko: There's more of them. About ten thousand more, in fact.

James: (grimly, and with some curious resignation, as if he's both
awaited nervously and feared utterly this very moment...) Do not worry.
I am the Digital Assassin. (thinking) I can't believe I just said that.

[A great rumbling begins, it's very pitch and tenor the voice of evil.
It isn't long before ten thousand Angel-infected Naoko programs begin to
circle James.]

[Fast forward 3.4982 seconds. To a human, this is but a small part of a
fight. Within the MAGI, it's more like years of combat.]

[James stands near the edge of a vast blue plane. A small corner of this
space is still red and violated. Before him stand the two original
Angel-Naokos. Uncovered due to their torn clothing sparkle red S2
cores.]

[For a long nanosecond, the three stare at one another, then the two
snarl at him. Their S2 units begin glowing. His expression unchanging,
James leans forward and holds his staff out. A blue dome appears over
the two programs, who suddenly realize their mistake. James looks down
on them through the shield, his eyes devoid of pity.]

James: It's over, and this means nothing.

[And like that, it is over. James drops the shield to see two more
normal Naokos looking back at him as if coming out of a daze. One has
bright red eyes, the other a cool glowing blue. Even as he compares this
with the dark brown eyes of the first Naoko, a figure of Ritsuko
flickers into existence behind the newly recovered Naokos.]

Ritsuko: All has gone well?

James: You must be the gateway program. Hold still please.

[James threateningly points his staff at a point on the wall behind her,
where a small red dot still glows. After a few seconds, the dot fades,
then disappears entirely.]

James: There. It's done. (thinks for a second) But while I'm here...

----------

[Meanwhile, in a familiar (and supposedly sealed-off) cage, things are
on the move.]

[A few hundred feet of Angel-infected Eva bursts into a large service
tunnel, where a trap is sprung.]

Toji: DIE!

[The rookie lets loose with a few punches. At this range he couldn't
miss if he were blind, and he doesn't. But no Angel ever went down with
one punch, and this one isn't about to make an exception. Toji dodges a
few wild swings, then counters with a strong upper cut. Angel, stumbles
back, then twists and lets loose with a fast reverse spinning kick that
catches the unprepared Unit-07 in the Eva's ribs. Stunned by the shock,
and from the disorientation of fighting in an Eva for the first time,
Toji completely fails to block the follow up that blasts Unit-07 four
hundred feet down the hall at meteor-like speeds.]

[While Toji lays still, looking for his brain and the concussion tacked
onto it, the Angel makes good its escape, directly down one level where
yet another trap is sprung.]

Andy: DIE!

Jared: (behind Andy) Inventive.

[Ignoring his sometimes nemesis, Andy charges at the Angel, intending to
let loose with a tectonic plate-shattering flying kick that gets off the
ground only when Unit-00's Angel-enhanced fist slams into two of
Unit-02's four eyes hard enough to flip the Eva head over heels.]

Jared: Dude, are you okay?

Andy: Piece of shit!

Jared: Just let me past!

[But it's not to be. The Angel will have to go _through_ Unit-02 for
Jared to be within fighting range of the Angel. Possibility of this
happening? Well, let's just say they aren't keeping four beds in the
infirmary warm for no reason.]

[Unit-02 is back on it's feet, wobbling slightly. Andy charges again,
this time by running up the wall and using a string of quick spinning
attacks to keep the Angel pressed. But the spinning attacks come at only
half of the speed he's used to, and the Angel is only held in place.
Andy barely blocks the simple counter attack that is a few straight
punches.]

Andy: (pulling back) What's with this thing?

Jared: Synch ratio, dude! You're not used to pilo--LOOK OUT!

[Pleasing many in the audience, Unit-02 takes a hard one to the back of
the head. Andy responds with something effective this time--kicking out
Unit-00's shins. The Angel collapses on Unit-02, which tries to work the
Angel into arm bar. Instead Andy works himself into the wall,
face-first.]

Jared: Keep up the good work. Uh, whenever you're done...

Andy: Help me or shut up.

[Jared blows a raspberry at his 'friend.' Andy manages to trip the Angel
as it heads for Jared, then leaps onto it's back. Jared is about to
attack when the Angel throws Unit-02 at Unit-03, which drops to one knee
and raises an open hand into the air. Unit-02 sails over Unit-03 like a
missile, and in passing, extends a hand to slap open palm against open
palm.]

Jared: I'm tagged in, baby! ... Um... DIE!

[The Angel comes straight at Unit-03, but it has been softened up by two
pushovers, and is a little surprised when Unit-03 calmly dodges the
opening punch and retorts with a savage leg-dislocating kick that hits
the Angel without warning, bending Unit-00 back. As Jared steps in to
deliver the killing blow, the Angel whips an elbow up and introduces it
to Unit-03's face. In synchronized empathy, Jared's own nose begins to
bleed.]

[Stumbling back, Jared blocks and weathers a storm of vicious punches.
The Angel finishes with a charge, again forcing it's opponent further
down the hallway below Toji's defeat.]

Jared: That's all you've got?!

[Unit-03 roars, and the Angel pauses for a precious second. A single
right cross connects with Unit-00's face and sends the infected Angel
spinning away. This time Jared drops the Angel with a kick to it's
forward knee, then backs away. Ever ready to fight, the Angel
immediately resumes the attack. Jared blocks, loses a few dozen yards,
then whips out another counter, gaining most of what he's lost.]

Jared: Andy!

[The comm. remains silent.]

Jared: Andy? ... Unit-02 respond!

[The attack, counter-attack pattern between Unit-00 and Unit-03
continues at full tilt for exactly seven more rounds before the Angel
tires of the game and counter's Jared's counter.]

[Fist meets fists, head on. Basketball-sized knuckles collide with
enough force to flatten a battalion of tanks. Jared lands a head-butt,
then stumbles back. Bruised and bleeding inside his entry plug, he
manages to keep Unit-03 swaying on it's feet long enough to meet the
Angel's next charge. This time he isn't prepared to give anymore ground,
as the course of battle has pushed them quite a distance down the access
corridor. He is starting to wonder how far Unit-02 went flying and if
Andy got it to safety. The Goon wasn't answering his calls of warning to
Unit-02.]

Jared: (barely there) Hey, you're a handsome fella...

[The Angel's fist pulls back, and the projection of its rearing,
battered, Unit-00 shell is reflected in Jared's pupils.]

Jared: ... what's your name?

[The force of the impact sends Unit-03 stumbling over Unit-02's inert
form before falling flat on it's ass.]

----------

Author-Jared: Happy?

Author-John: Ecstatic!

----------

[And past the crumpled forms of Unit-03 and the mysteriously uninhabited
Unit-02, stands Unit-04. Partially re-built, and stripped of weapons,
and armor, but Unit-04 nonetheless... carrying a certain N2 device.]

Jared: (before he goes down for the count) Hah... it's a rope-a-dope,
you dumb bastard.

Andy: (manic grin) Nope, it's follow Andy to your DOOM!!!

[Unit-03's parting shot is the badfinger raised in salute to Unit-04.]

[The Angel, predictably, ignores the exchange and gives chase as Unit-04
dashes down the last quarter mile of hallway towards Terminal Dogma.
Half way there, however, the Angel stops and looks around, puzzled.
Before it stands yet another Evangelion, this one bearing the distinct
markings of...]

John: (from within Unit-05) Took you long enough.

[Predator-style claws extend from the left gauntlet and glint in the
emergency lights.]

John: (sigh) DIE!

Angel: (obviously frustrated) RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

John: Come get some!

[Angel and Eva clash again, this time Progressive Knife to Progressive
Knife and Predator Claws.]

John: You're a tough one.

[John manages to throw the Angel off, which promptly tosses the knife at
Unit-05. John blocks with his own knife, deflecting the hypersonic
blade. With a ridiculously loud 'clang,' it embeds itself in a wall
behind him. John draws his pistol with his free hand, and using the
knife as a guard, unloads an entire magazine into the Angel-possessed
unit.]

[Unit-00 stalks into the bullets, opens it's mouth, and takes a bite out
of Unit-05's guarding right arm.]

John: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! MOTHER FUCKER!!!

[Twisting his wrist, John slams his progressive knife into the side of
Unit-00's head. As the beast pulls back with a howl, he tosses aside the
useless pistol and tries to open the missile guards.]

[Tries, and fails.]

John: Fuck. Andy, if you can hear me, now would be a good time to get
un-lost!

Andy: (over the comm from... wherever) In a minute, in a minute!

Misato: (over comm) I'm sending Shinji down there, John. Just hold on!

John: (under his breath) Don't kid yourself. Fuyutsuki will let me and
Andy fry down here and serve our corpses at the company buffet before he
lets Unit-01 below the armor in the city.

[The Angel finally gets its bearings, then leaps at Unit-05, tackling
the huge mecha. Like an attack dog striking a little old lady, the Angel
snarls and snaps at Unit-05's face, blood and who knows what else flying
as its jaws gnash inches from Unit-05. John tries the missile guards for
another moment, holding the Angel back with the Eva's good left arm even
as he mentally kicks himself for not using the claws first and missiles
second.]

John: (chanting) We're doomed we're doomed we're doomed we're doomed
we're doomed we're doomed...

[And then comes salvation.]

[The NERV Orchestra pipes in Handel's Messiah, from a position of safety
far above, while heavenly... huh?  Okay, heavenly light plays down upon
him struggling with the Angel that just won't die.]

[John looks up, past the distorted, smashed, cut head of the mutant
Unit-00 to see a canister-like object falling from the small access
shaft directly above this final chamber. About the size of an Evangelion
football, it tumbles end over end, right into Unit-05's waiting,
bloodied hand. The Angel rears back and snaps at the prone Eva one more
time, sensing the end is near.]

[Unfortunately, it's not John's end.]

Angel: RRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRR--UGGKK!

[Unit-05 shoves the modified N2 device down the Angel's gullet, and John
for once in his life, is thankful that Jared can't resist the urge to
modify every piece of technology he gets his hands on. Though how he
kept this one secret from their spies, from NERV, and how Andy managed
to get it would remain a mystery, at least it had arrived in the nick of
time. As a final insult, as the Angel chokes on the object holding's
mouth grotesquely open, John slams a quick upper cut into it's jaw. Then
he pulls Unit-05's feet up to its chest, curling the Eva into a ball,
and kicks for all he's worth, sending the Angel straight into the air.]

John: Eat that, you bastard!!!

[In a last desperate move, John rolls backwards and stands Unit-05 up
against the Terminal Dogma access doors, back to the entrance,
spread-eagle.]

John: NOW!!!

Misato: Open all gates, this thing has to go somewhere!

[The bridge crew works furiously to comply. Yet the N-2 Mine still
doesn't go off. Unit-00, the 11th Angel, rises slowly.]

Andy: MISATO, PRESS THE BUTTON!

Misato: Huh?

[The Major looks around and on the closest control panel to her is a
large yellow button labeled: "IN CASE ANGEL HAS SWALLOWED MODIFIED N-2
MINE PRESS HERE."]

[Against all mental protests that this button seemed to come out of no
where, Misato presses the button.]

[A radio signal is sent to a receiver nestled--]

----------

Author-Jared: Ahem.

Author-John: Hmm?

Author-Jared: We don't need another physics lesson, Einstein. Just say
"BOOM, Whee!"

Author-John: That lacks poetry.

Author-Jared: You want to count atoms and dare tell me my descriptive
style is "Tolkein-esque"?!

Author-John: Well I- AAAAHH!! MONKEY!!

Author-Jared: I got it!

Author-John: Get it off me, get it off me!

Author-Jared: DAMN IT! It bit me!

dz": .......... ow?

[Pressed cartoon-style into the Terminal Dogma "blast" doors, blackened
from the heat of the blast, missing most of its armor and the pilot
within wishing he were dead, is Unit-05. A few seconds pass, silent
except for the hissing sound of sizzling Evangelion flesh. Then the
beast topples slowly forward, revealing a Unit-05 reverse-shadow
permanently burnt into the doors. Smoke and steam continues to rises
from its prone form, and inside the plug, with the mother of all
sunburns...]

John: .........paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn....

[Fade out.]

----------

[A few hours later, resolutions are made. Never again would an Angel be
allowed so close to the heart of NERV. Never again would Jared be
allowed to modify weapons of mass destruction. Never again would John
put himself before a blast door designed to take more punishment than a
paltry firecracker like that.]

[On the command deck, such resolutions are being justified.]

Ritsuko: (skimming the notes on her clipboard) Unit-00 is a total loss.
There isn't anything left of it and given the Angel's nature, that's a
very good thing. Unit-07 took minimal damage and will be combat ready in
an hour, Pilot Suzuhara is being released from the infirmary tonight.
Unit-02 suffered moderate damage but should be ready in a week. Unit-03
may be out of action for the rest of the month. Pilot Waddell... could
have been out today, but the nurses keep finding new injuries on him.
The latest, a broken leg.

Misato: (thinking out loud) I think Jared would get better faster if we
only sent male nurses into his room.

Ritusko: Unit-04 is back in its cage. I think Pilot Mucha found his
Viking drum, so he's ... "overseeing" the continued reconstruction. It
should finally be combat worthy by the end of the week. Unit-05... needs
a complete set of new armor. Most of the AV7 was melted off so we're
just going to skip that nonsense and replace everything.

Misato: And Pilot Genoni? (suggestive wink)

Ritsuko: (ignoring Katsuragi) Nothing worth mentioning. He's sleeping
off the post-combat right now.

Misato: So then... (looks towards the three towers behind her) what do
we do about "It?"

Ritsuko: Well, "It" seems to have taken residence in the MAGI and is
refusing to come out. All normal MAGI functions have been restored, but
until Jared or John show up, I'm not entirely sure how or why we should
remove the program.

Misato: Will Unit-06 still be able to function?

Ritsuko: Tests will have to be run, again this will require its pilot.

Misato: (sighs; takes a sip of her coffee) I guess if it can handle an
Angel, human hackers won't stand a chance against it.

Ritsuko: That's the general reasoning right now. Anyway, all that's left
here is clean up. You should take the kids home, Major.

Misato: Yeah... (takes another sip of her coffee, then spews it out as
her eyes go wide) OH CRAP THE KIDS!

----------

End Episode 08

[Preview music starts up.]

Misato: (VO) When will we ever see the new Unit-04 in action? Also,
these three Americans sometimes seem like friends but what would happen
if two of them turned on the other for keeps? Two separate Angels attack
Tokyo-3 and we get a little deep into the minds of our Goons. We might
even be able to see Jared's Super form! It's battles and betrayals in
the next episode of Neon Genesis: Goonvangelion! "What Plot Hole? / It
came with the ______"

----------

Author's Notes: (cricket cricket)

Back-up Author's Notes: I will have his liver. If Andy skips out on
writing for other people's fanfiction I will do such things. At least
Jared can be trusted to write an episode. Despite it not officially
being my episode I did have fun writing it. Because if it's not fun to
write, then what's the point?! Thank you all for reading this one, and
sticking with us. Take Care!

----------

[The Geo-Sphere Lake...]

Asuka: This has to be their fault. I just know it! An Angel attack is
one thing but that was hours ago! Oh, when I get my hands on them I'll
rip out their godforsaken eyes! I swear! And I can't just swim to shore
because the second I leave this plug, that Pervert will be there oogling
my naked body! And another thing, Wondergirl, I don't think its proper
for you to be following around the Worm like that. He's creepy and
probably evil. Understand? Hey, Are you listening?!

[Way up on the streets of Tokyo-3...]

Rei: (wearing her school uniform, walking home) baka. (smirks
Vegeta-style and marks a check next to Asuka's name, one of many)

----------

[Joke after the Epilogue.]

[Picture of Author-Andy, black-and-white, wearing a sign similar to that
seen in recent episodes reading "The End is Near."]



Done!



Shit, we forgot the title!!!

           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 8

                         The Digital Assassin /
                            Of Rats and Apes

           --------------------------------------------------

THERE!

DONE!

NOW QUIT BADGERING ME!!!


'Writing': 01/16/2005

Editing: 01/31/2005

Final Editing: 02/07/2005

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/subway/1888/TGE

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