NOTE: The following story is tag-team self-insertion fanfiction. Run!
Run away! Your immortal soul is in peril!
Disclaimer: Dis be the claimer I be missin'...I mean dissin'...oh screw
it. If I owned Evangelion I would have done horrible things to the
characters and story that no human being should ever witness. That being
said...
Warning: I have done all of them and described them in intricate detail
of this episode of TGE. I've also sprinkled hints of plot and character
development in as well, in order to bait the very brave or very stupid
into my insidious trap...am I reading my "Bond Villain of the Week"
script again? This sounds horrible!
Danger: This fanfic has been cut down substantially from its initial
draft. You may thank the diety (or patriarchical/matriarchal authority
figure) of your choice that we got rid of the useless stuff, otherwise
this chapter would rival seven for outright length. Be warned though,
the big fight scenes STILL occupy pretty much all of the last 1/4th of
the story. All that being said, stuff might be missing that you'll think
you want to see. Trust me, you don't want to see it.
Warning 2: Okay, okay, you twisted my arm. An "unedited" (in the truest
sense of the word) version of this will probably be thrown up on the
Insanity Productions web page before too long, so y'know, if you're
curious...
Warning 3: The Danger Returns! Amazingly, G. W. Bush is still president
even though only three people voted for him, and the first two were dead
and one of those three weren't Dick "Look at how hypocritical I can be!"
Cheney. I mean, that requires some kind of warning, doesn't it?
Danger: Part 2, the End of the Warnings! If I did my job right, this
story will confusing on the first read, but will become increasingly
comprehensible through repeated readings, which I won't charge anybody
for. How's that for putting my money where my mouth is?
THE VENGEANCE OF THE NOTE: Whaddaya mean, you still don't understand
it?!!
========================================================================
[Opening song: "Everything you Know is Wrong" by "Weird Al" Yankovic.]
[Fade in Jared driving a Mini down one of Tokyo-3's superhighways. He
sings along with the song, not paying attention to the road at all. When
the first chorus comes up, about a dozen people pop up in the car and
sing along too. This doesn't seem to bother Jared at all. The people are
various TGE cast members, plus several people we haven't seen yet. As
the chorus closes, we cut to...]
[...Andy singing in the shower. He quickly gets out, wrapped in a towel,
and as he steps through the bathroom door, he is suddenly and magically
dressed. He dances and sings into the kitchen, grabs an accordion off
the counter, wails for a second, then dances over to the bronze bust of
John Woo (next to the unmistakable bust of Shiegeru Miyamoto and a third
bust that we can't quite make out. As the chorus starts, he grabs the
revealed Goon Pole and slides upward. We fast-pan through the building,
the song going into the instrumental section as Andy exits through the
roof in a cheesy superhero costume with the letters SCJ across the
chest. He starts flying through the air superman style, spots a
purse-snatcher far below, and fires a ki blast at him.]
[Cut to a panoramic shot of Tokyo-3. A massive mushroom cloud engulfs
the city. Unit-06 rises into the inferno with glowing red eyes. As the
lyrics start up, John throws up the entry plug hatch to Unit-06 and
jumps to the ground (in one leap). By the time he lands, he's holding a
pair of maracas and he starts rocking out and singing along to the
song's lyrics. Various TGE cast members along with several other anime
characters definitely not in this series pop up to watch and cheer. In
the background Unit-01 and -02 dance into the background and just as the
song closes, we pan out to show the entire TGE cast, plus extras from
the Mini (on the freeway), plus other anime characters, plus the
Evangelions all holding an exultant pose as if they've just completed a
complicated gymnastics routine.]
[Silence ensues...]
[Then John breaks the maracas over Andy and Jared's heads and the
shouting starts.]
----------
Cost of Intro: 3,650,000 Yen.
----------
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[Three Goons' apartment. Four in the afternoon. As the Goons are "off
work" from about noon onward, they've had some time to unwind. Jared
plays an RPG on one of the many game systems present. John comes out of
the laboratory's entrance, and Andy...bursts into the apartment
arrogantly, barely giving the door time to open completely.]
Andy: (roaring) CURSE THAT INFERNAL DOCTOR!
Jared: What is it this time, dude? She try to talk you?
Andy: WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?!!
Jared: Could you keep it down?!
John: (sitting on the couch) A master should not even acknowledge
distractions. Distraction leads to--
Andy: (attacking) Die, Waddell!
[The couch is flipped onto it's back, then righted again, then flipped
onto it's back, then righted yet again as Andy and Jared engage in
mortal combat throughout the living room.]
John: Guys? (polite pause) GUYS!
Jared: (throwing Andy into a wall) HA!
Andy: (throwing Jared through the balcony door) HA-HA!
Jared: (dashing in and knocking out Andy) FISH!
John: Damn it, we have important things to talk about. Oh well.
[John picks up Jared's controller.]
Jared: (pleading) Dude...
John: Five second rule.
Jared: Mother fucker!
John: You're still here? You have shopping duty today, remember?
Jared: (leaves) Right.
[After a few minutes of quiet, Andy regains "consciousness."]
Andy: I LIVE! (punching at the air) DIE, you horrible maggot spawn!
John: < o_o; > That's new.
Andy: (looks around) Where's that Spawn of Perversion?
John: (off-hand) I'm writing that one down. (to Andy) Doing his shopping
duty like a good little boy. what's your beef?
Andy: (posing) You couldn't understand a Saiyajin's pride!
John: You aren't a Saiyajin, Andy.
Andy: He insults me. Our grand duel--
John: This is about who's the strongest again? Dude, you two have been
after each other for years, waiting a few minutes won't kill you.
Andy: But I must defeat him!
John: (lights on) I see...you and Jared planed to have Ritsuko build a
gravity room, and you were going to sneak in and train so you could beat
Jared in straight combat. (blinks) That's too clever for you to come up
with by yourself.
Andy: (now ignoring John) --But she wouldn't build the damn thing! When
will my time come?!
John: Dude, you two should just duke it out. Like, tomorrow would work
good. I'm not going to be nice if you two run off and have a Big
Dramatic Battle, leaving me to fight for my Life and Freedom.
Andy: (leaving via the balcony) Angel? Hah! I have half a mind to throw
that pervert _into_ the twelfth!
John: < o_0 > But we're supposed to kill it, not give it indigestion...
----------
Cost of Andy/Jared fight scene: 220,000 Yen.
----------
[Next door, Asuka and Shinji are doing homework. Both are dressed
casually. Asuka lounges on the floor, flipping through a math book with
a glazed look which clearly indicates that she doesn't care what is
printed on the pages. Shinji is diligently doing his Japanese literature
homework, but has one eye practically pinned on Asuka's delicious rear
end, which twitches enticingly as she idly kicks her feet through the
air.]
Asuka: (sighs) When did Misato say she'd be home?
Shinji: Eleven, I think.
[Asuka sighs again, leaving the impression that she's more distracted
than bored. Indeed, when she speaks, it is with the air of someone who
has been waiting for a long time to say something important.]
Asuka: Do you ever wonder what we're protecting?
Shinji: (without looking up) Our exam scores.
[If it weren't for a couple of rude, big-assed stones dropped into a
small, much-abused river, Asuka would take this statement at face value
and start yelling. However...]
Asuka: (rolling her eyes) Ha ha. I meant in Terminal Dogma, smarty
pants.
Shinji: (puts down his homework) What do you mean? I thought Terminal
Dogma _was_ what we were guarding.
Asuka: (affectionately) Dummkopf. Terminal Dogma is a _set_ of _doors_.
There's something inside that we aren't supposed to see.
Shinji: So...what are we guarding?
Asuka: That's what I'm asking. Misato just keeps saying it's something
like an Angel--that they'll merge with it and that's Third Impact.
Shinji: So all we have to do is keep the Angels from getting through
those doors?
Asuka: I wonder...maybe there's another way to stop them?
Shinji: Hey, where'd Pen Pen go?
Asuka: I just saw him in the bathroom, why?
Shinji: I hope he's done with his dinner. That fish is ripe!
Asuka: (queenly) Then away with it!
Shinji: Hai, hai...
[The boy does so. While he toils in the kitchen, Asuka rolls onto her
side and starts doing leg lifts. Shinji comes back smelling strongly of
fish, and before he sits in front of his homework, his eyes ravish the
girl's body (now even more lithe and toned thanks to the training
wrought upon her by the Americans), cherishing it's every detail,
burning them into memory. Asuka checks his eyes and hides a secret
smile. As the boy sits, she resumes their conversation.]
Asuka: Do you think this will end?
Shinji: Isn't that something you can ask Dr. Akagi?
Asuka: (some emotion flickers in her eyes for a second) But I'm asking
you. Don't you have an opinion?
[Shinji closes his school computer and rubs his eyes in surrender.]
Shinji: Not until recently. (pauses to let Asuka chuckle) I've noticed
that the Americans talk about the Angels as if there is a specific logic
to their attacks. They seem to know what's coming next, they know the,
how, and the order this happens. They seem like they're thinking of a
specific ending. They're looking for it...they're trying to...force
things to come out in a particular way.
Asuka: (thoughtful) Rei acts like the Angels and their attacks are just
a tiny part of everything.
[Shinji glances at Asuka's rear end again.]
Shinji: (idly) Everything?
Asuka: (attempting to shrug helplessly) Just..._this_. The Angels, the
Evas, NERV, all of it. I've studied military history and technology in
Germany. It's a little strange that in less than four years, an entirely
new kind of weapon was developed to fight a totally alien life form here
on earth. The Evangelions are an anomaly in terms of military
technology.
Shinji: I don't understand...
Asuka: (flips onto the other side and begins a low-key Lecture Mode) It
takes years to design, test, and produce something as simple as a gun.
The military has a huge bureaucracy besides! Designing and putting a new
tank into action in four years? Yeah, that's possible in times of war,
but there's no prototype for an Evangelion.
Shinji: Wait, I thought different countries built a lot of planes in
World War II. That was only five years long.
Asuka: According to my history books, it took eight months to launch a
new type of plane in World War II. Look at it this way. Planes first
began flying right after the turn of the century, right?
Shinji: Yeah, I think I read that somewhere.
Asuka: World War I started about a decade later. Planes were an unproven
technology then! Only ten years of development? They were extremely
dangerous to fly and crashed all the time. Dr. Akagi said the oldest
Evangelions were what, five years old? In five years we have fully
functional giant robots?
Shinji: The Americans said the first Evas were built ten years ago.
[The look on Asuka's face tells us she's going to solve _that_ little
mystery in due time.]
Asuka: But why a giant robot, Shinji? Why not just massive guns using
the Evangelion's power and technology. No pilot to mess around with. No
restraint cages. No armor suit to hang on the things!
Shinji: The Evangelions are the only things that can neutralize the
enemy's AT-Field.
Asuka: Then why not neutralize the field with an Eva and use something
else to destroy the Angel? The Eva could be kept safely out of harm's
way.
Shinji: That's a good point. (thinks for a minute) But what does this
have to do with what we're guarding? Evangelions work well enough.
Asuka: That's the question I've been asking myself. There's some reason
_why_ the Evas are built the way they are. The Americans _know_ why.
That's why they're plotting something.
Shinji: You're worried because there's too much you don't know.
Asuka: You're damn right I'm worried. (pensive look) This all sounded so
simple when it was explained to me in school.
Shinji: (with wisdom beyond his years) This isn't school. It's defending
the world from an enemy of incredible power.
[Asuka finally ceases her exercises, stands, and stretches. While she
hauls her hands high in the air and arches her back, Shinji gets a prime
viewing of her secondary sexual characteristics, "hidden" as they are by
her thin T-shirt, and finds himself approving.]
Asuka: (sighing) Well, you're right, Shinji. But you know who can
explain this best...
Shinji: ...won't explain anything unless he has something to gain.
[Asuka nodded gravely.]
Asuka: Okay, let's get through this homework!
----------
[Much later, in the dark hours of the night, we see that not everyone
sleeps.]
Andy: (laying wide awake in his bed) Fucking bugs...I must DESTROY them
all to ensure...MY ASCENSION TO THE THRONE OF ALL CREATION!!!
BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[The sound of horny male cicadas pleading their case to stingy female
cicadas continues unabated.]
Andy: (to the bugs) SHUT! UP!
----------
[The next day, Jared fails to take part in the mayhem that is known as
"the morning," and the other two goons find themselves in their office
with little to do when Misato comes through door in working clothes
(cold shower alert!). Andy floats a few inches above his desk in a half-
lotus position while John browses some paperwork from his chair.]
Misato: (thinking) I honestly expected to find only John here. < ^_^ >
Lucky!
John: < -_- > Can I help you?
Andy: (without looking at the Major) Can _we_ help you?
Misato: I wanted to tell all three of you this at once. There's been a
change to the pilot's manual. Ritsuko's decided to add another rule.
[Andy groans loudly. John feigns interest, setting aside his writing
implement.]
John: (prompting) Well?
Misato: The fine print is in your Mini-MAGI, but basically, no flying
unless there's an emergency.
John: (puzzled) ... That's it? Don't fly unless there's an emergency?
Andy: (bellowing) HAH! They'll have to catch us to punish us!
John: (rubbing his forehead and sighing) And he promised he'd behave.
Andy: (standing on his desk) I fear no airspace restrictions!
John: Sit down. Sit in the air, on your desk, I don't care, but please
sit down. (pause) And that's my line!
Andy: But she started it!
John: Andy, you hardly fly anywhere. (glances at his Mini-MAGI) Hovering
appears to be okay, but no flying. So what's your problem?
Misato: (interrupting) Could you just let Jared know? I really don't--
Andy: (aura exploding) I hunger for BATTLE!
[John snarls at Andy and tries in vain to hold down the paperwork on his
desk.]
Misato: (smirking at John but speaking to Andy) What name? (ignoring
John's glare) Jared?
Andy: He MUST FALL! AND LO, I BEAT THE DRUMS OF WAR!!!
[Another aura pulse. The paperwork, and this time writing equipment,
paperweights, etc. all go flying. John makes as if to get up while
Misato pulls down one eyelid and sticks her tongue out at John before
darting out of the door.]
[After knocking out Andy with his shoe, John Instant Transmissions to
the end of the hallway, materializing just a few feet in front of
Misato. The Major lets out a shriek and pulls to a halt with her hand
rest on her delicious bosom.]
Misato: You--you scared me!
John: (calm) That wasn't very nice.
Misato: I was just delivering a message. (worried look) You aren't
angry, are you?
John: (deflates a bit) Look, Andy just realized that there's nothing he
can do about the 12th Angel, so he's decided to "finish" off Jared.
Misato: You guys are always--
John: Misato, I don't want to be the one left explaining why 80% of
Tokyo-3 has been leveled. Jared and Andy have had their little spats
frequently enough, that is true, but this is about who's top dog. Who's
the best. I won't fight either of them all-out and so naturally they
consider themselves number one. You can't have two ones, there can be
only one. Or so Andy says. Anyway, that means that sooner or later, the
two of them are going to go all-out and the resulting mess is not going
to be pretty. Jared's in Sub-Garage 22. He's working on something...You
go talk to him, I'll take care of Andy...using methods involving a
shovel, a deserted road, and the dark of night.
Misato: < o_o; > Ah. Well, good-bye then.
John: Good-bye, Major.
----------
[Back in the goon's office, John has kicked out Andy's corpse and just
finished straightening the things on desk when Jared appears out of thin
air to the sound of splintering wood.]
Jared: Ouch!
John: (forced calm) Get. Off. My. Desk.
Jared: (trying to inspect his derriere where he sat on a cup of
sharpened pencils) Sorry, I was aiming for my chair.
[Jared jumps into his own chair, narrowly avoiding a messy collision
with the room's ceiling...fan? When did we get a ceiling fan? Shut it.
The momentum of his landing causes the chair to spin around a few
times.]
Jared: (spinning) Wheeeeee! Hey John, my car's finished!
John: < o_0 > Finished? I thought it's remains were at the bottom of
Tokyo Bay.
Jared: < ^_^ > Well, I had to build a replacement. It's pretty sweet.
John: That's what you've been doing when you were supposed to be
working...Does it run?
Jared: Don't be silly. < *_* > Man, this is gonna be sooo sweet!
John: < o_o; > Riiight.
[Jared's chair finally stops spinning. He leans _waaay_ back it in,
fingers laced together behind his head.
Jared: Gonna give her the inagural test drive soon. I doubled the
horsepower, so I'm expecting the first test drive to be...fun. I figure
it's worth around 300 miles per hour now.
[The chair creaks ominously.]
John: (rubbing his forehead in vain hope of easing the coming headache)
Can't wait. So, how much did this indulgence cost NERV?
Jared: NERV? Nothing at all. I had a...private stash set up for this.
You know, insurance after that freeway incident. You know, I should book
a restaurant. Order some fine champagne. Celebrate!
John: (before Jared breaks into song) Assuming it lasts to the parking
lot--
Jared: Look, I've a plan--
[The chair creaks some more.]
John: (Indiana Jones mode) That's what scares me.
Jared: (glare from his reclined position) All will be well.
[Shot of the city in flames. John puts his head in his hands.]
John: I'll alert the authorities.
[With an indignant snapping sound, the chair gives way, dumping Jared on
the floor. John reaches for more paperwork.]
Jared: (still on the floor) The Unfamiliar Ceiling is Shinji's bit.
(thoughtful) Hrm...we've got Suzuhara as a pilot, and the second branch
is still intact...I'm going to have the most fun I can have with my
clothes on...Hey John, let's hire Hikari as a pilot.
John: (manically cheery) Great. Grand. Wonderful. After that, let's go
pound some nails through our dicks!
Jared: Oh c'mon! It won't be that bad!
John: Another total newb we'll have to train from scratch? No thank you.
Motion denied.
Jared: But--
John: Suzuhara is still well below par, and the audience will get bored
if we do the stupid Pilot Training bit for a third time! Motion denied.
Jared: What--what--wha... (indignant) Who died and made you king?
John: (idly shuffling paperwork) Ikari. Although, he's technically on
vacation.
Jared: But not dead?
John: No.
Jared: (dramatic) A matter I shall rectify soon enough.
John: < o_0 > (speaking slowly as if uncertain of the reality laid
before him) Why?
[Jared springs from the floor, executes a triple forward somersault,
rebounds off the floor, then moves into a 360 transition layout before
landing on his feet. All seems well for a split-second, but then his
extra momentum kicks in and he stumbles face-first into the couch.]
Jared: (muffled by couch cushions) Almost there...hey, fifty yen!
[He heads for the door, pocketing the pilfered coin. John clears this
throat loudly.]
Jared: (pushing the "open" button) Okay, okay. I'll get some cough drops
from the store.
[He's gone before John can say another word. The Besieged One turns back
to his paperwork as we hear Jared tripping over Andy, who wakes up and
screams something about a "great injustice" and "divine punishment." His
speech is interrupted by the sounds of fists hitting flesh, followed by
the unmistakable sound of something large and heavy slamming into the
door.]
[John sighs.]
----------
[A short while later, in the comparatively boring command center, a.k.a.
Central Dogma.]
Shiegeru: Um...Major?
Misato: (halfway through the repair summary for Unit-03...volume 8 of
26) Yes?
Shiegeru: I'm getting some weird readings here. Energy surges. Some
damage alerts from various sensors in the facility...
Misato: Which means either Tanaka from section 03 is golfing in the
corridors or the Americans are playing their "games" again. (looks at
the many piles that make up the repair summary) I'll go check it out.
Ritsuko: (via Mini-MAGI) Major, could you please round up Pilots Genoni,
Mucha, and Waddell. I need to have a word with them and none of them are
responding to my summons.
Misato: (into her Mini-MAGI) You mean they're ignoring the electric-
shock treatment?
[One can _hear_ Ritsuko frown over the Mini-MAGI's voice-only
communications link.]
Misato: And since when did I become their keeper?
Ritsuko: (through Mini-MAGI) Since I got tired of dealing with them.
Misato: (clicks off the Mini-MAGI; to Shiegeru) Well, where are those
sensors being destroyed?
----------
[A few levels up...]
[By the time Misato reaches the source of the disturbance, John is
already there, watching the goings-on. Ritsuko, for reasons unknown, has
opted to join him, though she stands some distance away and ignores him
for all she's worth. Asuka is watching from well behind John. In front
of them, a battle rages between the other two goons.]
John: (to Ritsuko) Don't worry, they'll be okay if we don't interfere.
Ritsuko: < o_0 > I understand that, but will NERV be okay?
[John gives his best "it's not my problem" shrug.]
Misato: Well, this looks pointless. Let me know when they've knocked
each other out.
Ritsuko: Will do, Major.
----------
[Much later, in the hospital wing, we see John strapping Andy down to a
hospital bed. Ritsuko stands next to him, looking angry, while Jared is
presumably harassing some nurses in another room.]
John: Sorry about that. So, is that no-fly rule negotiable?
Ritsuko: After this? Absolutely not.
John: (snaps his fingers) Aww, shucks.
Ritsuko: (Nag Mode ON) You three aren't getting anything else from us.
NERV is nearly broke. The government is putting legitimate spending
requests on hold because of the frivolous ones I helped you rotten
assholes put through! Sports cars. Chrome plating an Eva. A three
hundred and fifty horsepower blender. Who needs this stuff?
John: Er...well, those things have saved lives...except the chrome
plating. That was just cool.
Ritsuko: (pointing) Don't start making excuses, Genoni--AAHHH!
Jared: (flipping up Ritsuko's skirt to take a peek at her panties) Lace.
Seducing someone tonight, Rit-chan?
[While Ritsuko beats Jared into unconsciousness more thoroughly than
Andy has ever managed, the big Goon wakes up and takes stock of the
situation...]
Andy: (pushing Ritsuko aside) Hey! He's mine!
[John leaps into the fray, lead pipe coming over his head like a sword
and down on Andy's like a hammer, knocking out the maniac. Then he
straps both Goons securely into new beds in different rooms.]
John: (clapping imaginary dust from his hands) Anything else?
Ritsuko: (coldly) No.
John: (evil smirk) Lace, eh? What color are they?
Ritsuko: (glaring with fury yet blushing furiously) I hate you and hope
you die. Good day.
----------
[So the rest of the working week passes in relative quiet. Asuka
continues to bug John. Andy trains to destroy various animals and
insects throughout Japan. Jared continues to grope any attractive,
nubile female within range. John continues to prevent the destruction of
earth's core, leading to the collapse of the magma layers and a
cataclysmic explosion that will fling the crust into space. The techs
within NERV continue to repair and upgrade the Evangelions, and
Hiroshi-ojisan finally gets his new down town location renovated.]
[And so Sunday comes around, a day of peace, a day of resting, a day of
chirping cicadas...]
[Andy stands on Apartment 723's balcony railing, wearing his "off-day"
Hawaiian shirt with matching Bermuda shorts over dozens of bandages. In
some countries, shooting the wearer of these colors is considered a
mercy killing.]
Andy: (air raid siren volume) SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU STUPID BUGS!!!
----------
[Next door, Shinji and Asuka have finished their last round of homework.
Both lay on the main room's floor, spread eagle. Asuka's head is on
Shinji's stomach, using the human doormat as a pillow for a change.
Shinji wears a pair of gray khaki shorts and his typical white T-shirt.
Asuka is wearing a filmy pink shirt bearing her shoulders and most of
her upper chest, matched with a pair of pink shorts. _Tight_ pink
shorts. Think shrink wrap.]
Shinji: We should go somewhere else, it's just too noisy here.
Asuka: Go where else? Half the city is wrecked, and the half that isn't
has turned into a traffic jam.
Shinji: Misato is gone.
Asuka: But we have AC and ice cream here.
Shinji: Ooh. Ice cream!
[Before long, the two have liberated a half gallon of chocolate mint and
are eating it out of the container with spoons and laughing like the
kids they are. Then Asuka gets a mischievous look in her eye and
"accidentally" swipes her full spoon of ice cream by Shinji's face,
leaving a dab of sweet cream on his nose.]
Shinji: Hey!
Asuka: Here. Let me--
[Asuka leans directly into Shinji's personal space and licks the cream
off with her tongue far more slowly than strictly necessary.]
[Not that it was necessary to use her tongue either.]
[She stays there, savoring the flavor with a soft noise halfway between
a purr of pleasure and a sigh of contentment. Now suitably distracted,
Shinji allows his spoon to drift into Asuka's shirt. The Eva pilot gasps
and pulls back to look at the mess.]
Asuka: (pulling at her shirt) That's going to stain!
Shinji: Don't worry. I'll clean it up.
[Shinji leans into duplicate Asuka's maneuver, but Pen^2 chooses that
moment to jump on his head, squawking loudly. Shinji's face is pushed
down between Asuka's legs, and she lets out a scream. Shinji, blushing,
frees himself and takes a swipe at the seabird. Pen^2 dodges, leaving a
cloud of feathers behind. Shinji pauses and looks at his knee, which has
landed in the ice cream, tearing the flimsy paper container asunder. No
small amount of the melted ice cream has oozed onto the floor and
splattered all over Asuka's legs.]
[To complete the scene, Misato bursts through the front door, sidearm
drawn.]
Pen^2: Waaaarrrkk! WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK!
[The major looks at her charges, taking in the scene. Asuka and Shinji
stare at her--well, her gun.]
Andy: (heard clearly from next door) DIE, YOU WINGED CRETINS!!!
[Then the two Eva pilots and their parental figure begin giggling
uncontrollably. The giggling leads to laughing, and we fade to black.]
----------
[The next morning, the Goons swing by the hospital wing to allow Andy to
recover his Mini-MAGI, left here during his recent clash with Jared.]
John: Good thing they held it for you this long, dude.
Ritsuko: (coming down the hallway) There you are!
Jared: Why God? WHY?!
John: Shush. She can't know we flew to work already.
Andy: Yeah, it'll take them a week to repair that radar installation.
[While Jared and John shush their comrade, Ritsuko comes into the old
(and familiar) recovery room.]
Ritsuko: Come to recover your Frequent Injuries bonus points?
John: (smoothly) Why of course, another three concussions and Jared's
eligible for a toaster oven.
[Jared preens like a peacock for about twelve seconds, then realizes
he's been insulted.]
Jared: Hey!
Ritsuko: Look, guys...I hesitate to say this... (takes a moment to steel
herself) but we're getting more Evas. (quickly) By "we" I mean "not you
three."
Jared: Cool, but who will the pilot be...you already have someone picked
out, right?
Ritsuko: Actually, no. You see--
John: Ikari wants our suggestion. Damn, he could just give us a
fucking phone call, you know.
Jared: How about Hikari? ... What? She's got the biggest balls around
here and-- (Andy and John start making retching noises) Oh, c'mon,
that's not what I meant and you guys know it!
Andy: And then there's Kensuke.
[A hearty laugh is shared by all.]
Andy: (indignant) Hey, I was being serious!
Jared: Yeah, but since when does NERV let any mecha-obsessed yahoo that
stumbles down the open and deserted streets during an Angel attack pilot
an Evangelion at the drop of a dime?
John: Besides us, you mean?
Jared: Well, yes, besides us.
John: Okay, besides the middle school tart and the nerd, (ignores the
glares from Jared and Andy) who else do we have?
Jared: (to John, but shifting his glare to Andy) The rest of class 2-F?
Ritsuko: (beyond caring why--or wondering how--the Americans know who
the pilot candidates are) None of them have any outstanding
characteristics or notable fighting traits...
Jared: (glare changes to Ritsuko) Get off your high horse, bitch. Just
because Gendo doesn't get a woody looking at those scrawny kids is no
reason to deem them unfit to pilot an Evangelion.
[The insults sail right over Ritsuko's head without notice, but John
spins around and sucker-punches Jared in the face while Andy brains him
with a handy crowbar.]
[Both pause to look at one another and come to a silent agreement.]
John: (to Ritsuko) Call the Aida family and have Kensuke whip up a Last
Will and Testament. (to Andy) Put that thing away and drag Jared to the
hospital wing.
Andy: (trying to hide the six foot long Claymore he was about to use to
behead Jared) But--er...we're _in_ the hospital wing!
John: Damn it man! Don't argue with me!
----------
[In a dark, featureless (except for being dark) room deep within NERV.]
Gendo: Report.
Ritsuko: The pilot recommendation is confirmed.
Gendo: I see. Prepare the core and double the observation staff. Record
everything the Arrivals do and say to the Fifth Child. I will contact
you when it is time.
[The hologram of NERV's commander fades away.]
Ritsuko: (to the empty room) Well, Aida, let's see how you do in the
lion's maw.
----------
Cost of Dark and Sinister Entrance: 80,000 Yen.
----------
[Some days later, Asuka and Shinji slump into their seats at a table in
the cafeteria. Since their more extensive training with the Arrivals
(Episode 7 anyone?), and the antics of said Arrivals in the cafeteria,
the pilots have pretty much been granted a table to call their own. In
their own wing. Sealed off by blast doors. Okay, I was kidding about
those last two. Each sets a large bowl of ramen down on the table and
dig in with real enthusiasm. After a while, Shinji is able to speak
around the food being hoovered into his mouth.]
Shinji: Lately, synch tests are making me so hungry. Almost as much as
training, even though we're just sitting there.
Asuka: (without missing a beat, or a bite) We're using our ki to enhance
our synchronization ratio now, and that's a greater drain on us.
[It takes Shinji a moment to stop choking on his noodles, gulp down some
water, and get his disrupted breathing under control.]
Asuka: Are you okay?
Shinji: (still coughing slightly) We did what with the who now?
Asuka: < o_0 > You _aren't_ okay, are you?
Shinji: How do you know so much about ki?
Asuka: (affectionately) Dummkopf. I had special training. I learned all
about ki a while ago.
[Toji arrives at the table, drops into a seat with a disgusting amount
of energy, and attacks his food.]
Toji: (around mouthfuls of noodles) Muuhhn, yumph gurlg urglurg aag.
Asuka: (disgusted) Excuse me?
Toji: (after swallowing) I said, man you guys sure are fast. (beat) That
was kind of a weird synch test. (finally sees the half-dead pilots) Are
you guys okay?
Asuka: Don't you feel...a little tired?
Toji: Not at all! I feel like a billion yen, in fact! (quickly) Why?
Asuka: Oh, just...no reason.
Toji: (musing) I hope this practice does some good.
Asuka: Don't want to be caught unprepared like last time?
Shinji: (quickly) I think he did fine. No-one got away from that Angel.
Even the Americans got their Evas smashed up.
Asuka: (hotly) You mean _my_ Eva! And who the hell let that...that
BRUTE take _my_... (expression goes blank)
John: (remembered voice-over) They were there first, Asuka.
Asuka: (thinking) We were tired today.
John: (remembered voice-over) Try "because I'm not cooperating with it."
Asuka: (thinking) We used our ki to boost our synch ratio... (out loud)
Toji, do you...what is it like...when you synchronize with your Eva?
Toji: (obviously confused) What is it like?
Asuka: Yeah. What happens? How do you feel?
Toji: Well...
[Both Shinji and Asuka lean forward to hear his answer.]
[The Author fervently prays he won't wind up copying more dialog from
Song of the Soul.]
Toji: First, there's light. It's really...messy. All colors and shapes,
but nothing that you can see--you can't tell one from the other. Then
things get...sharper, and right then, there's a kind of double-
perception. It's like I'm in two places at once, doing two things at
once. That's it. Why?
[Asuka and Shinji exchange a Meaningful Look(tm).]
Asuka: It's the same for us.
[Shinji gives her a covert "are you INSANE?!" look. She shrugs in
response.]
Asuka: (mouthing silently to Shinji) I'll tell you later.
Toji: Hey, that big guy--Mucha?--he mentioned something about Aida's
"eminent doom." Any idea what he's talking about?
Asuka: I think Genoni was going to flay him alive or something. Just
what I heard.
Shinji: I wonder where those guys are. I haven't seen them all day.
Asuka: You can track them on your Mini-MAGI, you know.
Toji: Really? That's pretty sweet. Can it double as a cell-phone?
Asuka: Nope. Only NERV frequencies, but there's...
[Asuka taps her Mini-MAGI and begins showing off some programs. We fade
out as the conversation moves into the realm of pointless banter no
longer needed to pad this episode's length.]
----------
[That evening, in the NERV cafeteria, Jared sits down to enjoy a company
dinner. He spots Rei at a nearby table and opts to join her. Once the
food is done, he attempts to engage her in conversation.]
Jared: What's up, Rei?
Rei: (English) hello.
Jared: (polite golf-clap) Impressive.
Rei: (back to whisper-quiet Japanese) you almost never talk to me.
Jared: You almost never put out.
Rei: ...
Jared: I'm kidding! Geeze...Sooo...what _do_ you want to talk about?
Rei: who are you?
Jared: (blinks) Who am I? (dramatic) I am the Master. I _am_ the Chosen
one. I _am_ (dramatic pause) _hungry_... (normal; points at a cinnamon
roll on Rei's plate) You gonna finish that?
[Rei imitates a growling dog. Granted, her form of a growl would turn a
pitbull on amphetamines into a narcoleptic sloth, but Jared withdraws
his hand anyway.]
Jared: Well, who do _you_ think I am?
Rei: i heard you aren't that good in bed.
Jared: < o_0 > I--huh? Wha...WHO DARES?!!
Rei: (making a check in her notebook) gotcha.
Jared: (shrugs, assumes "Thinker" pose) Why _aren't_ we sleeping
together?
[Rei fixes a stare on the Goon, who continues to "think" about his
answer. He looks around a few times first, to make sure no-one is
bearing witness to his brain actually operating as it was designed to.]
[You should take that last satement with a pound of salt.]
Jared: Frankly, you scare me.
Rei: why?
Jared: Because my instincts tell me not to hit on you.
Rei: why?
Jared: ...I'm not sure.
Rei: ...
Jared: I mean, you're pretty and all, but kind of off-limits. You
aren't...how to put this...free range?
Rei: i don't understand why a lack of lechery means you're afraid of me.
Jared: If I wasn't scared of you, there'd be regular groping at _least_.
I mean, you've got nice tits! < ^_^ > Ah, what am I waiting for?
[He pauses.]
Jared: You don't mind, do you?
Rei: it is not allowed.
[Jared looks speculatively at Rei, who meets his gaze calmly.]
Jared: Oh really?
[He pokes her lightly.]
[In the _shoulder_, you pervs!]
[Seeing she isn't upset, Jared leaps onto the table with a flourish,
announcing his next attacks out loud.]
Jared: Poke! ... Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke!
[We'll leave him to his fun.]
----------
[As it is a work day, the Goons eventually arrive in their office. Jared
shows up first, sporting numerous bandages. Andy comes in ten minutes
later, glares murderously at Jared for five minutes, then ignores him
for another twenty until John arrives and regals the captive (read: he
tied them up so the won't fight with each other or interrupt his story)
pair with tales of daring and enduring that chronicle his Journey to The
Office.]
John: (finishing) ...and that was pretty much that.
Andy: (tossing aside his ropes, chains, and wards) Good thing that pay
phone was nearby.
Jared: (pulling off his Hannibal Lecter getup) So, that's why you guys
were so long in getting here.
John: You know, I'd really like to know who keeps playing with the power
system...
[The two younger goons take a moment to stare at Andy.]
Andy: What? Ritsuko set up those fucking booby traps!
Jared: No, they're wired separately. But on a related note, John, I'm
amazed you haven't taken to using one of these things as your chosen
bizarre martial artists weapon.
Andy: What things?
John: (rubbing the bridge of his nose) This ought to be good.
[With a grin, Jared grabs the phone from his desk, pulls out about five
feet of cord, then begins swinging the device around his head like a
sling shot. The other Goons duck on the first pass and remain crouched
on the floor. Andy is taking notes; John is wondering what to have for
dinner.]
Jared: (near Lecture Mode) See, it's all in the wrist!
[At that moment, fate (me) intervenes. Shinji opens the door, marching
straight into the office, his mouth open and about to ask something of
the Goons.]
[THWAK!]
[THUD.]
Andy: (as if finally understanding a great mystery) So _that's_ what
those strange devices are for...
John: (glares at Andy, but talks to Jared) Jared. Please. Do not. Kill.
The Main Character.
Jared: (looking at the dented phone thoughtfully) Hmm...he didn't even
have a chance to whine.
[John looks tempted to agree with Jared, but shakes off the feeling and
gets down to business with the unconscious Shinji propped in the closet
(again).]
----------
Cost for Shinji's Assault: 12,000 Yen.
----------
[Think jackhammer. Think jet engines. Think dynamite.]
Andy: Grrrrr...
[Think giant cloud of all-consuming insecticide, flowing over Tokyo-3,
covering everything in deadly mist. Shrouding all in poison vapors.]
Andy: RrrrrrrrrrRRRRR...
[Think that and you'll understand what's going through Andy's mind as he
lays awake in bed late at night.]
Andy: RRRRRRRRRRRRR... (suddenly musing) I heard somewhere that
cockroaches are three hundred times more resistant to harm from
radiation than human beings. I wonder how tough cicadas are...I'd have
to get an old nuke though...
[While the window and various pieces of furniture, few though they are,
merrily rattle in time to the mating call of the Japanese Super
Cicada...]
[Man, I could go on for PAGES about the Japanese Super Cicada.]
[But I won't.]
Andy: (rising from the bed) This has been a long time in coming.
[A few minutes later, on the apartment building's roof.]
[Andy exits the access door and strides to the edge of the roof with
precisely measured, determined steps. There he stops, eyeing the sky
like a bomber zeroing in on his target.]
Andy: (triple somersault, powerpose, rising sun background, triumphant
trumpet chorus, huge teeth-shining smile, hands raised to the heavens)
SUPER MEGA ENDLESS ULTIMATE DUAL TURBO ULTRA MXPRQ^23 TIMES PI ALL-JAPAN
KILL-EVERYTHING JAPANESE SUPER CICADA TOTAL AND COMPLETE NO-MOLECULES-
LEFT ANNIHILATION WAVE BEAM LANCE-OF-ENERGY KA-BOOM AAAAAATTTAAAAAACK!!!
[...I don't even know where to _begin_...I...I mean...damn. I
Just..._damn_.]
[All right, I'm sure I can come up with something...suitable? Hell...
that's still...jeeze...]
[...]
[I need to try at least.]
[And for the record, whoever actually memorizes that line first wins the
Geek of the Year Award by DEFAULT.]
[Well, here goes nothing.]
[Ahem.]
[With an attack name that ridiculous (not to mention lengthy), you'd
expect a shoe to hit the yelling idiot in the side of the head just on
general principle. When no shoes, or rotten tomatoes for that matter,
impact the side of his head, Andy nods. Perhaps acknowledging the
universe's silent permission to proceed, perhaps satisfied that his...]
[For the love of God, can we get a DUMBER name for...actually, we
probably could.]
[Oh well.]
[Perhaps acknowledging the universe's silent permission to proceed,
perhaps satisfied that his...thingy is ready to fire, Andy nods and
prepares to unleash...whatever it is.]
Andy: THIS WILL TEACH YOU!!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
[Andy raises his hands even higher. His back arches to the point of
breaking, his mouth wide open and emitting an evil laugh that echoes off
of buildings like a gunshot. His body swells, preparing to release a
terrible power. The air about him cackles with energy as the flickering
glow from the ball of light forming in his hands reaches a crescendo.
Then a blast emanates from him, spreading out in a billion directions at
once, sending a mild tremor through Tokyo-3. The shuddering earth raises
dust and rattles windows with an ominous sound impossible to accurately
describe, but unforgettable once experienced. A light wind kicks up,
tugging at collars and pulling up skirts.]
[Then an unearthly silence takes hold as every cicada in Japan is quite
suddenly...dead.]
Andy: (reverently) Boom! Whee!
[He quietly makes his way back to his bedroom and sleeps the sleep of
the unbelievably ignorant.]
[The rest of Tokyo-3, however, lies unnervingly wide awake for the rest
of the night, and through several more...]
----------
Cost of Special Effects: 28,210,000 Yen.
----------
[That afternoon, in the deserted cafeteria. The Arrivals sit in a sea of
empty tables and chairs, chowing down some mexican food.]
Andy: So, no-one slept very well that night?
John: Dude, no-one slept at ALL. NERV's changing shifts around like
crazy.
Jared: You ruined the natural ecosystem here and fucked with the heads
of every person in the country! (teary eyed; getting choked up) I'm so
proud!
Andy: (grumble grumble) Yeah, yeah, until I beat you into a lifeless
pulp and prove that _I_ (jumps onto the table...again) am the strongest
of all Saiyajins!
[John glares at Jared, who shrugs, then looks at his Mini-MAGI.]
Jared: Well, on the scheduling front, our work doesn't look so bad after
all.
John: (also checking his Mini-MAGI) Thanks to the Dew. Oh, Misato's got
a day off soon. We should help get the pilots to school.
Jared: Why not skip it and train them for a bit? They've got to be
getting tired of that stupid Second Impact rant.
John: There are...other matters to attend to.
Jared: But The Plan is in place.
John: (paranoid glances around the cafeteria) The...Other Plan.
Jared: Oooh...You lost me.
[John sighs while Andy finishes yet another rousing (but easily ignored)
speech about his ascension to the throne of the universe. He's well into
the maniacal cackle part, so John just brains Andy with a piece of lead
pipe and the three make for the nearest gaming store.]
[You don't seriously think they spent all of this time in Tokyo-3 just
watching anime, did you?]
----------
[It is a bright, sunny day outside...none of which can be seen from
Misato's apartment. Blankets cover the windows, filtering the brilliant
morning sunshine down to a dull orange glow. The pilots which call this
domicile home are finished with breakfast and are presently dressed for
school, ready to leave. Rei is fully prepared to leave, and the three
Goons are in the kitchenette, drying what few dishes Misato owns.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Nice of the boss to give us the day off.
John: < -_- > He's only giving us the day off because you broke two of
his teeth and he wants to yell at us himself.
Andy: (Dan Hibiki manly forearm taunt) Either that or train a WORTHY
replacement!
Jared: That fool ain't gonna train shit. Now dry this plate, we gotta
move if we're going to escort our students to school.
John: We work for NERV. I don't see why we don't just sign excuse papers
for them and train the day away.
Author: I don't either, except for the little fact that I am the author
and I want to write things out this way.
John: (as if reading a script) Good point.
[Jared hangs up his towel and suddenly pauses, freezing in place. He
sniffs the air like a hunter.]
Jared: We should leave. Now.
John: Huh?
Jared: < ^_^ > Misato's got a date this morning.
John: Hey, you just used "Misato" and "morning" in the same sentence!
How dare you--
Jared: Shut up and move!
[Jared storms out of the kitchen. Andy and John merely shrug and follow
the Perverted One as he hustles the pilots out of the front door in a
blur of limbs. The group is down the elevator and onto the street
(walking is good exercise, kids!) before anyone says anything of
importance.]
John: She has a date?
Andy: With who?
Jared: (off-hand) With the first two fingers of her right hand.
John: Wha...oh! ... Wait, I thought she was a southpaw...
Jared: (shrug) Whichever.
[Andy follows the group without missing a step, but presses his hands
tightly over his ears and hums the Angel Attack music _very_ loudly. A
two-foot tall cricket mistakes his humming for a mating call and drags
him into the bushes.]
John: (not even noticing Andy's departure) So what exactly tipped you
off?
[Meanwhile, at the front of the group.]
Asuka: (to Shinji) What are they talking about?
Shinji: (putting on his headphones) Talk to the hand.
[Asuka slaps Shinji upside the head, but he merely ignores her and walks
faster. Rei follows...sort of. Asuka pulls back a bit to listen to the
arguing Americans.]
John: The smell?
Jared: Exactly.
John: Hmm...What did it smell like to you?
Jared: (thinks for a second) Toasted raisin nut bread with real butter
melting over it.
John: Vivid.
Jared: What about you? I noticed you noticed.
John: Raw cookie dough.
Jared: (raised eyebrow) Really? I never thought of that.
Asuka: What are you evil apes talking about? And where did the maniac
go? Wait, forget I asked the second question.
John: (shrugging) Who cares where Andy went? He's going to get lost once
we get to NERV anyway.
Jared: (over-dramatic) We've just been called evil apes!
John: (calm) Misato had rose early this morning, and was using her time
productively.
Asuka: Doing what?
John: (straight face) Masturbating.
Asuka: AAH! Pervert!
John: (sly look) Maybe.
[Shinji takes a moment to blush and turn up the volume on his new DVD-A
player. Andy rolls out of the nearby bushes in torn clothing, with some
kind of...secretion on him, drops smoothly into a Kamehameha stance,
and waits.]
John: (to Andy) Nice of you to come back, dude.
Jared: (glances at Andy but answers Asuka) Well, women do that. I'm not
_trying_ to be perverted.
[Asuka glares at the Goon.]
Jared: It's a biological fact! I swear!
[The group continues on in silence for several more minutes. John, not
getting an answer from Andy, follows them. Andy finally stops his vigil
when he notices a ten yen coin laying on the sidewalk.]
Andy: (as if meeting a long-lost love) Shiny thing!
[Andy pockets the ten yen and catches up with the rest of the group.
Asuka is mumbling something under her breath.]
Jared: Excuse me?
Asuka: (blushing slightly) I said, pop-tarts.
Jared: Cherry or strawberry?
Asuka: (blushing more) Uh...strawberry.
Jared: Hmm...I've met a few women like that.
Asuka: Oh really?
Jared: Yeah. (beat) Who was she?
[John is about to answer when he realizes that Jared is asking Asuka and
not him. He stops dead in his tracks, his mind folding in upon itself
right there. Andy stops beside him, watching and wondering if he should
finish off the Goon while he's distracted. Up with the remaining pilots,
Rei is ignoring the conversation, Shinji is oblivious, and Jared and
Asuka are actually having a civil discussion.]
Asuka: (blushing madly) I-It was just the one time!
Jared: Oh...but what about Hikari?
Asuka: (shocked) Whaa...how do you know--I mean...
Jared: (lecherous grin) ...
Asuka: Forget it. No, she actually has her sights set on Sayoko.
Jared: Short, nice rack, straight black hair?
Asuka: How the...you've never been in our classroom!
Jared: I'm NERV intelligence, (points for emphasis) _you_ aren't
supposed to know where _I_ am. So what's with her chasing down Toji?
[Asuka glares suspiciously at Jared for a few moments before she
answers.]
Asuka: Hmph. I think she really just needs someone to chase. And she
does like the guy...
Jared: More like friendship and compassion and mothering than "let me
$&@# your @*!$%?"
Asuka: Yeah...
Jared: Fuck. I don't know if NERV has the budget for another
psychologist...
Asuka: Why would NERV be paying for Hikari's psychologist?
Jared: Uhh...Umm...NINJA VANISH!
[A lonely wind blows through Tokyo-3. Jared goes nowhere.]
Jared: I said...NINJA VANISH!!!
[Asuka taps her foot, looking mildly pissed off.]
Asuka: We're outside, you can't turn off--
[Just then, darkness sweeps over the city; a giant shadow cloaking the
street like a God has closed his hand around the sun.]
Asuka: ...die Hoelle?!!
[Several seconds pass before the pilot's eyes adjust, and once they
do...]
Asuka: (look at the Jared-shaped hole in the air) Kisama! He's gone.
(looks up) Mein Gott...Shinji! We gotta get to NERV on the double!
(looks back) Where did the Psycho and the Maniac go?
----------
Cost of Special Effects: 8,600,000 Yen.
----------
[In a dark ventilation duct junction, deep within NERV, Andy appears
with a comatose John slung over his shoulder. He lays the unconscious
American down on the bottom of the duct and looking around furtively.]
Andy: (shaking his friend by the shoulder) John? ... John!
Andy: ...
Andy: ...
Andy: Don't do this!
Andy: ...
Andy: Not again! ... Not again.
Andy: ...
Andy: not again...
Andy: ...
Andy: ...
Andy: ...
Andy: ...
Andy: (final) God damn you.
----------
[Asuka, Shinji, Rei, and Toji are running for NERV. Eyes bulge, heads
swivel, and startled looks abound.]
[Hey, it's not everyday that one of your group is singing merrily while
running to command machines of war.]
Toji: (singing in English; feel free to imagine the impact of his accent
on the lyrics) Over the river and through the woods, to giant bio-robots
we go! (normal; to the stares) What? Jared said we're supposed to sing
this while running to headquarters when the...general alarm hasn't...
(realization dawns) He was just jerking me around, wasn't he?
Shinji: (nodding; solemn) Dude, I feel your pain.
Toji: It's okay. It'll never happen again.
[Two minutes later, the group reaches a NERV elevator.]
Toji: (singing in English) Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to NERV we...
[More looks are directed at Toji, more sympathetic than startled this
time.]
Toji: (claws at the heavens) God damn him!
Rei: quit joking around. we have to hurry.
----------
[In a women's restroom, not far from Ritsuko's office. Andy appears. As
in the ventilation duct, John is slung over his shoulder like a sack of
flour. Andy looks around, understandably confused.]
Andy: Um...Ritsuko-san?
[A muffled curse issues from the only closed stall. Andy's face turns
beat red and he marches outside before the doctor can form a more
coherent response.]
[Outside, a few minutes later, Andy has John in a semi-sitting position
against the corridor wall. He's pacing a hole in the floor when Ritsuko
comes storming out of the bathroom red-faced.]
Ritsuko: I don't believe this! I'd expect this kind of thing from--
Andy: Jared's missing and John's catatonic.
Ritsuko: --Waddell so don't...what?
Andy: (repeating) Jared's missing and John's catatonic.
[The doctor stares blankly at Andy, then blankly at John, then at Andy
again.]
Ritsuko: Who what now?
Andy: (folding his arms over his chest) There's a giant shadow over the
city, the pilots are en-route to their Evas, Jared has gone missing
without a word, and John's brain broke--he's catatonic.
Ritsuko: (snapping into Professional Mode) Grab John and take him to the
interior hospital's third wing. Dump him in a bed and flag down Dr.
Miyamoto.
[Ritsuko starts walking down the hall away from Andy.]
Ritsuko: (over her shoulder) I'll call Misato. Once you're done getting
Genoni secured, get to your Eva!
Andy: (to himself) "John," then just "Genoni?"
[The alarms begin to wail.]
Andy: (yelling at Ritsuko's retreating form) You can't fight this one
with Evangelions!
----------
[Background music: Star Wars theme, John Williams. Performed by the NERV
Philharmonic Orchestra, 2015.]
[The pilots--]
----------
Author-John: ...
Author-Jared: What?
Author-John: ...
Author-John: ...
Author-Jared: WHAT?
Author-John: Be quiet; I'm trying to put a hex on you and you're
distracting me.
Author-Jared: < -_- > ...
----------
[While the NERV Orchestra wails away in the background, the kids make
their way through a set of rapid-transit elevators and pass through the
changing rooms in record time. In a majestically timed sequence of music
and movement, the four plug suit-clad youth leap into their respective
cockpits and activate their on-board systems.]
Shinji: Unit-01, ready to go!
Asuka: Unit-02, on-line and ready to rock and roll!
Toji: Uh...Unit-07, activated!
Rei: unit-05 is operational.
Other Pilots: < o_0; > ...
Shinji: Rei, you know, (ignores the Demon-Head mode Asuka is
demonstrating on his view screen) you could be a _little_ more
enthusiastic.
Rei: hai...boo yeah.
Other Pilots: < o_0;;; > ...
----------
[Many floors up and more than a mile away, Andy finishes strapping John
into a sturdy-looking gurney. After his unusual silence, the prone Goon
speaks, startling Andy.]
John: (sing-song tone of voice) Do you know? Do you know? Do you what I
know?
[The larger Goon suddenly looks like a man who's seen his own grave.]
Andy: (edging towards the door) < 0_0 > ...
John: (faintly, as his eyes close) Do you wonder? Do you wonder? Do you
wonder what I wonder?
[This time, Andy does not walk towards the door, he runs.]
----------
[Misato strides into Central Dogma twenty-five minutes later. Her
clothes look like they were thrown on in less than sixty seconds, her
hair a mess, and she is wearing mis-matched shoes.]
Misato: Update!
Shiegeru: Nothing to report ma'am. The shadow's just staying there.
Misato: Doctor Akagi?
Ritsuko: (from Maya's terminal) I advise we pull back and wait. We still
have enough data to launch an attack on it, but I advise caution. One of
our pilots is missing.
Misato: Missing? Who's--
Ritsuko: Waddell.
Misato: Where's--
Maya: Pilot Genoni is moving towards Receiving sector 4.
Ritsuko: What?!
Maya: He was in hospital wing 4-B just a minute ago. Mucha is...
following him?
Misato: I don't believe this. We're on full alert, Waddell is missing,
and those two are playing hide-and-go-seek on my base?
Ritsuko: Waddell is probably in the shadow. You know, the Mini-MAGI--
Misato: --would have to be destroyed or out of power to completely drop
off of our network. I know.
Maya: Ma'am?
Misato: Yes?
Maya: Pilot Mucha is heading towards Central Power.
Misato: What the... < -_- > Is he lost?
Rest of Bridge Crew: (droning "I've answered this question a million
times" tone of voice) Yes.
[Misato sighs again, then taps her Mini-MAGI.]
----------
[Twenty minutes later.]
Shiegeru: Major?
Misato: Yes?
Shiegeru: (quietly to Misato) I'm reading some low-grade energy
emissions _inside_ of NERV.
Misato: Get pilots into their Evas.
Shiegeru: Yes ma'am.
[A few minutes later, Andy strides into the room (through the doors for
a change), bows as if receiving a rowdy applause, and gets tackled by
John. John, it must be noted, is wearing the white robes of an Aztec
priest.]
John: (holding a decorative paperweight above his head) His blood must
cleanse this earth! The destroyer has come!
Andy: < -_- > Not this again...
[Andy throws off his friend, then tackles him. A short struggle ensues,
but Andy quickly head-butts John into blissful unconsciousness.]
Andy: I'll...be right back.
Bridge Crew: ...
----------
[Forty minutes later.]
[FINALLY.]
[Ritsuko is hunched over her console, Misato's nervously pacing, and
Fuyutsuki sits unperturbed in Gendo's chair. On the holographic screen
in front of the command deck is a view of the city, over which hovers a
giant black and white ball that looks like someone's idea of modern art
on a grand scale.]
Ritsuko: Given the...strange readings this thing is giving off, both
the MAGI and I have to say that we're seeing the shadow of a
trans-dimension curl through our space-time.
Misato: Which means...
Andy: (appearing next to the Major and calmly pushing aside the gun
suddenly pointed at his face) That is an Angel! We're seeing a three-
dimensional shadow of it's fourth-dimensional body. Since the body holds
the AT-Field in the fourth dimension, we have not yet read a blue
pattern from it.
[Misato boggles.]
Ritsuko: Oh really?
Andy: Yes. The only way to destroy it is to drop all of our 992 N2
mines--
Misato: That's 990 now, thanks to you and your missing friend.
[An "ooooh!" echoes through the command deck.]
Andy: (glaring at the Major) --on the black shadow which represents a
portal to this world that is the only physical manifestation the Angel
is capable of. The force of the explosion will--
Misato: < -_- > Annihilate this entire hemisphere?
Andy: (glare) Do you mind, wom--oh yeah... (thinking) I must be missing
something...what did they do in Eva? (out loud) Oh! I meant that we
insert the explosives into the Angel by passing them through the shadow
portal.
Ritsuko: The fact that you're making extremely vague homoerotic
reference aside, how the hell are we supposed to get the Angel to open
this portal?
Andy: (non-chalant hand wave) Send out one of the Evas on attack.
Unit-01 or 02 should do fine. Heck, strap all the bombs to it if you
want to.
Misato: That would destroy the Evangelion and kill the pilot!
Andy: (sighs) Then send invertebrate! Must I do everything around here?!
Ritsuko: (checking her console) He's right. Insane, but right. An
explosion of that magnitude may do it. The Angel's AT-Field won't be
able to contain it entirely, and for a split-second, it's interface with
our dimension of existence will allow the explosive to pass into the
fourth-dimension, and the Angel's body.
Misato: (to herself) I can't believe I'm even considering going along
with this insanity. (to Andy) Where's Jared at?
Andy: My guess is that he's inside the 12th Angel.
Misato: That would mean that your plan would kill him a dozen times
over.
Andy: (non-chalant) Naturally.
Misato: (with entirely too much enthusiasm) Sounds like a good plan to
me!
Ritsuko: (also with entirely too much enthusiasm) Great!
Fuyutsuki: (already on the phone) I'm ordering the N2 devices right now!
Hyuuga: Plotting coordinates!
Shiergu: Alerting auxiliary forces!
Andy: (shouting triumphantly) And I'll form the head!
[Everyone stops and turns to stare at the Goon. The silence is
deafening. The air conditioning blows a tumbleweed by the Goon's feet.]
Andy: (lamely) Sorry, I just got swept up in the emotion.
[And lo, he is saved as John swings in on a thin rope and drops to the
command deck like a cat. A black T-shirt has been inventively wrapped
around his head so that only his eyes show.]
John: (assuming bizarre pose) Fear the Shirt Ninja!
Andy: Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?
[Bets are harvested. Ritsuko blows a raspberry at a grumbling Misato
while fingering a large wad of cash.]
John: (changes to another pose) FOOL! The Shirt Ninja cannot be held by
any mere hospital!
Misato: (aside to Ritsuko) Uh, is John back to normal?
Ritsuko: < -_- > Define "normal."
Misato: < o_o > Ah.
Andy: (charging) HAVE AT THEE!
[After a brief scuffle, Andy knocks out the younger Goon and drags him
out of the room by his foot.]
----------
[Meanwhile, in the Eva cages, another kind of insanity is brewing.]
Rei: (in Unit-00) orange eva-zord, go!
Shinji: (in Unit-01) Purple Eva-zord, go!
Asuka: (in Unit-02) Red Eva-zord, go!
Toji: (in Unit-04) Chrome Eva-zord, go!
[Of course, had they realized that Misato had the comm on the whole
time...]
Misato: (over comm.) WHAT THE fucking
damn shit can you call is
going on here?! What the assed decided
you could fucking fucking
that God-damned shout that
mother-fucking during a combat alert?!!
[Rei acts as the spokeswoman for the four (five? six?).]
Rei: the pilots are getting bored ma'am.
Toji: Yeah. In the Evas, out of the Evas, in the Evas...what's going on?
[Misato takes a deep breath to steady herself.]
Misato: Listen up! This is not a drill. The Twelfth Angel has attacked
Tokyo-3. The Evangelions cannot be used against it at this time. We are
formulating a plan to destroy this Angel right now. As the safest place
for any pilot to be during an Angel attack is within their Evangelions,
I'm going to ask that you just stay put until you receive further
orders. Should worst come to worst, you are to descend to Terminal Dogma
and take up guarding positions against this Angel.
[Misato's comm clicks off.]
Asuka: Guarding positions?
[The pilots, excluding Rei, share nervous looks full of meaning, though
none speak.]
----------
[In Central Dogma, Misato stands quietly in place, staring at the point
in the air where the pilots' faces were hovering just seconds ago.]
Shiegeru: Major, pilot Mucha is heading for the surface at an alarming
speed.
Misato: Tell the JSSDF they can fire at will if he gets to close to them
or the Angel.
Shiegeru: Yes ma'am.
[A moment later.]
Shiegeru: The JSSDF reply that quote, it's all yours, end quote. They're
refering to the Angel.
Misato: < ^_^ > Thank you for relaying that, Shiegeru-kun. Tell the
JSSDF to quote, suck it, end quote.
Shiegeru: With pleasure, ma'am.
[The Major sighs, then turns to Ritsuko.]
Misato: I just realized...if this thing can shift through dimensions,
there's no effective barrier we can place around Terminal Dogma to
protect it from the Angel.
Ritsuko: That's not entirely true. There is a magnetic lock around
Terminal Dogma designed specifically to prevent that.
Misato: What? Why?
Ritsuko: (calmly) Don't you think it's odd that this one didn't attack
first?
Misato: Then _what's_ in Terminal Dogma?
[Ritsuko turns away without answering.]
Ritsuko: You know, it will take some time to gather the N^2 devices. If
we wish to keep up a credible defense, you should let the pilots get
some rest.
Misato: (glances to Fuyutsuki) I'll have them put on four hour
rotations. Shiegeru!
Shiegeru: Ma'am!
Misato: Have the Maintenance Group on duty set up some small rooms with
whatever ammenities the pilots need...within reason. Cots, blankets,
heaters, maybe playing cards and books, you know. Have the pilots put on
four hour rotations, divided into three groups. (smirks evilly as she
turns to Ritsuko) Dr. Akagi--
Ritsuko (thinking) Oh shit. Here it comes.
Misato: < ^_^ > --would you be a dear and check on the condition of
pilots Genoni and Mucha? It would be beneficial to have as many able
pilots on base as possible, you understand?
Ritsuko: (under her breath as she stalks past the Major) Some day, I
shall murder you in your sleep.
Shiegeru: Major, I'm reading a strange energy surge.
Misato: Oh no! Is it from the Angel?
Shiegeru: Checking...no, it's from pilot Mucha!
Misato: No!
Ritsuko: (at the door, but rubbernecking) He's not seriously going to--
----------
[In the staging rooms, both Shinji and Asuka raise their heads. Though
neither can put into words what they feel, they both know _something_ is
about to happen.]
----------
[Perched on top of one of the many condemned buildings too badly damaged
to retract during Angel attack, Andy is in a familiar stance, ki
crackling around his body like living electricity. It flows over toned
muscle and clothing that is blown about by a stiff wind, feeding a
golden ball of light in his hands that rivals a beach ball in size.]
[The light of the world seems to dim as the ball grows larger and
brighter, the sky above the color the dark storm clouds, and the shadow
directly before Andy black as sackcloth.]
[The black sphere is reflected in the unforgiving brown of Andy's eyes,
the golden sphere poised before him like a giant bomb about to
obliterate the world.]
Andy: FINAL FLAAAAAASH!!!
[The light explodes from Andy's hands, rivaling the sun in brightness,
soaring into the sky. A dawn of destruction, it...sails right through
the shadow?!!]
Andy: < o_0 > ...
[...And continues on...and on! It's over the mountain range! Going!
Going! Going! ... And it is GONE, ladies and gentlemen!]
Andy: < o_0 > Oh well. (shrugs)
[As Andy sits heavily on his little corner of the building, a flash
reminiscent of a nuclear explosion goes off in the direction of the
Final Flash. Andy doesn't so much as twitch.]
----------
Cost of Pointless Ki Blast: 970,000 Yen.
----------
[In Central Dogma, the bridge crew is in a state of mild panic.]
Shiegeru: It definitely detonated above the surface. There's a wave
forming, but it's only a foot high.
Misato: Phew! That little bastard almost made this day worse! What was
he _thinking_?! HE'S the one who just told us that's a shadow! Why--
Ritsuko: (tiredly) Misato, please do not use the Americans' names and
the word "thinking" in the same sentence.
Misato: Sorry, but I just-- (angrily) Ooooh...that little...
----------
[Time passes. N^2 mines are moved into place. The city remains in a
state of uneasy lock down, even though the shadow commits itself to no
more threatening acts. Andy stay on his building, quietly watching it,
occasionally busting out a N256 portable, watching cable, or blowing up
random ground targets with small ki blasts, but more or less just
watching and waiting.]
[Within NERV, the tension can be cut with a knife and served with a
fork. The pilots, sequestered within the staging rooms and sleeping in
shifts, await news from above.]
[And in Central Dogma, difficult decisions are being pondered.]
Ritsuko: It's been sixteen hours, Major.
Misato: (wearing a bowler hat and holding a cane) I am aware of the
time, Doctor.
Shiegeru: No change, ma'am.
Ritsuko: He still hasn't...
Shiegeru: No.
Misato: What about Pilot Genoni?
Shiegeru: Singing nursery rhymes again...songs in alphabetical order,
singing each song in reverse.
Misato: How long has it been since he threatened to steal souls?
Shiegeru: (more keyboard work) Four hours, ma'am.
Misato: At least he's staying put.
[Silence seems to slowly engulf the area, like a rising tide of black
death. Every eye again drifts toward the main view screen, which is
centered on the target of their worry.]
Misato: What do you think our chances of survival are?
Ritsuko: With these odds? I wouldn't even make a bet.
Misato: ...
Ritsuko: ...
Misato: ...
Ritsuko: ...
Misato: He hasn't...said boom whee...
Ritsuko: (looking worriedly at the image of Andy sitting on a
skyscraper) I know Misato...I'm scared too.
----------
[Well into the following day, hundreds of N^2 devices have been set up
around the Angel. Many hundreds more will arrive by afternoon, and
should all go well, the biggest man-made boom of all time will follow.]
[Do I even need to say it?]
[Okay, I don't mind.]
[Things do not go well. Andy jumps to his feet.]
Andy: Right on schedule...
----------
[At THAT MOMENT, in NERV...]
Misato: (after recovering from choking on her coffee) What just
happened?
Shiegeru: Energy spike! I'm reading a neutrino surge...and an AT-Field!
[On cue, alarms roar to life.]
Maya: Blue pattern confirmed! It's alive!
Ritsuko: No!
Misato: All pilots to their Evas! Ground units take cover! Secure the
N^2 mines! Lock elevators 214 through 238! Graph these readings on the
main monitor! Open a direct line to pilot Mucha! Order the air forces to
pull back! And someone get me some fresh coffee!
----------
[Meanwhile, on the surface, the shadow does indeed look like it has come
alive. The sphere above seems to writhe and move, curling about itself,
and twisting around, though the surface and shape doesn't actually
change.]
Andy: (ready to launch another Final Flash) The moment I've been waiting
for. Just open up, you bastard...
[But instead, the Angel spits out Jared, who streaks through the air
like a missile. He's flown no more than 200 yards when the Angel
compresses it's AT-Field, and hence itself, to an infinitely small
point. Following what passes for physical laws in this world, the matter
the Angel is made of forms a micro black hole. Like other micro black
holes, it burns off all of the matter within, turning it into pure
energy in a few billionths of a second.]
[In long form: E=Mc^2]
[In short form: Boom.]
[The air surrounding the micro black hole is heated so rapidly that
before it has a chance to expand, it becomes a cloud of plasma,
expanding to hundreds of time it's previous size before it can push at
the air further away from the former singularity. In the blink of an
eye, a flash bright enough to rival the sun gives way to a crushing wave
of concussive force that hits the city like a nuclear bomb.]
[In terrifying silence, the shock wave powders buildings like a hammer
hitting a gingerbread house. Further outlying buildings are merely
cracked like so many Butterfinger bars. Andy, along with his Final
Flash, are blown clean off of his chosen building. Massive piles of N^2
mines are blown away like pop cans in a hurricane. Andy's Final Flash
fires belatedly, melting a patch of snow off of Mt. Fuji before sailing
into the distance and wiping out the ruins of old Los Angles (thanks to
a better trajectory than the last one). Tanks are kicked around like
Legos in a toddlers tantrum as the shock wave hits them. In the
maelstrom of building pieces, womens underwear, and too many dust
particles to count, Jared's unconscious form passes Andy at 200 mph and
hits a tanker truck full of milk. Andy plows through a squad of JSSDF
soldiers like a tumbleweed and becomes embedded in the side of a
furniture moving van. NERV shakes as if struck by a god's fist, and John
finally shuts up.]
----------
Cost of Special Effects: 97,000,000 Yen.
----------
[In Central Dogma, all goes still.]
[Shiegeru holds onto his console a la Star Trek, the other bridge tech
laying on the floor, one leg hooked over his chair. Ritsuko is bent over
another console, clutching reams of print-out, with Maya clinging to one
of her legs for dear life. Misato is sprawled on the floor. Only
Fuyutsuki remains in a somewhat normal position, hunched over Gendo's
desk, his knuckles white from holding tightly to it.]
Shiegeru: ...
Misato: ...
Ritsuko: ...
Aoba: ...
Maya: ...
Fuyutsuki: ...
[Everyone slowly moves into more normal positions. Sensors are checked,
reports are verified, and bets are harvested.]
Misato: (fingering a sizeble wad of Yen) What the hell just happened?
Ritsuko: (scanning Maya's console) I can say for sure that the Angel is
gone. I can't for sure say why or how. (shrugs; takes a page from the
Goons' book) It blowed up but good?
Misato: Do you think it's safe to send out a recovery unit?
Maya: There's no emissions out of the normal. As far as we can tell,
it's all clear.
Misato: Good. Send out medical units to assist the JSSDF. Put pilots
Mucha and Waddell on ice. Waddell wants to be cremated, right?
Aoba: (like a kid who just got beat up by the school bully) They're both
alive, and both unconscious.
[Misato drops to her knees and beats her hands upon the floor while
crying out to the heavens.]
Misato: (Charlton Heston style) You bastards! He's still alive! He's
still aliiiive! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ritsuko: (after waiting for the sobs to die down) Are you done?
Misato: (standing and brushing some dust from her knees) Yes. Let's
start picking up this mess. For starters, the PR department left a death
threat on my desk, so I think we're going to have to do the creative
thinking for the moment. Does someone have a bright idea for how we're
going to explain this one?
[Misato is facing away from sub-commander Fuyutsuki, and thus misses his
enthusiastically put his hand in the air like an overly-eager school
boy.]
Misato: No? Okay then, I'm getting out the hat.
Fuyutsuki: (bouncing up and down in Gendo's chair) Oh! Oh! Me! Me!
Misato: (sighs) Yes, Commander Fuyutsuki?
Fuyutsuki: (triumphantly, well...for triumphantly for Fuyutsuki) Downed
power line!
Misato: < 0_0 > ...
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...
Maya: < 0_0 > ...
Some Tall Guy Wearing a Gi: < 0_0 > ...
Misato: (to the tall guy) Get out of here! (to the bridge crew) You
heard the man, a downed power line that finally came in contact with...
a gasoline tanker, as we feared it might. Big explosion, yadda yadda.
Now get moving! Chop chop!
----------
[Darkness. We hear voices and lots of activity, but all is black for
now.]
Man #2: He's stirring.
Man #1: His signs have been stable for a while now, I'm surprised he
took this long to wake up.
Andy: (disgruntled) Ouch.
Man #2: Relax, sir. You're lucky to be alive.
[Andy's eyes open. We see the wrecked city, a small crater, and a pair
of Emergency Medical Technicians hovering over the Goon with all manner
of highly advanced medical instruments. Little NERV patches are just
visible on their uniforms.]
Andy: Luck had nothing to do with it. I am the strongest of all!
[Andy pumps a fist in the air, then notices a long, thin scratch on his
arm. He looks at the Andy-shaped impression he left in the furniture
truck. Even his hair left a flawless imprint in the aluminum siding of
the truck.]
Andy: (getting to his feet and pushing aside the much smaller EMT guys)
Where's Waddell?
EMT #2: They're taking him inside, to hospital unit 2. He's not
seriously injured, but he's a little dehydrated and was pretty
incoherent. Babbling in strings of numbers and something about Melanie--
Andy: Fuck! FUCK!
EMT #2: Hey, wha--
[But with two fingers to his forehead, Andy is gone.]
----------
[Jared slowly comes to a half-sitting position in a hospital bed. His
eyes are shut, and for all the world he's acting like he has a hangover.
The room's only usual features are a small table with a cup full of
water and a matching pitcher, also full of water, sitting right next to
it. Gingerly, Jared extends a hand towards the cup, which obligingly
floats up off the table and drifts gently into Jared's hand.]
[Let's see you figure out _that_ reference, SF fans!]
[Jared takes a sip of the water, then lets it go to float back onto the
table where it belongs. He sighs, stretches, and then a split-second
before the door swishes open, he opens his eyes.]
Ritsuko: (entering; businesslike) That was rather pointless. I take it
you're back to your jabber-jawed, perverted, inarticulate self?
Jared: Um...I'm not sure what "jabber-jawed" means, but yeah, I guess
I'm okay.
Ritsuko: (coldly) Not that I care, but how do you feel?
Jared: Like someone took a piece of sandpaper to my brain.
Ritsuko: You were sucked into a fold in space-time and that's the only
thing bothering you?
Jared: ...
Ritsuko: Procedure says I should have you debriefed by intelligence--
Jared: (without looking at the doctor) But I work for intelligence.
Ritsuko: Yes--
Jared: So you're just going to observe me continually until you're sure
there's nothing more to be learned about my time inside the Twelfth
Angel and I return completely to normal.
Ritsuko: Isn't "normal" a bit of a stretch for you?
[Jared shrugs.]
Ritsuko: Will you tell me what happened?
[The Goon considers this for a moment, then gestures to the room's only
chair, which slides away from the wall and comes to a stop next to the
doctor.]
Jared: Please, have a seat.
[Ritsuko mulls this over for a second before sitting primly on the
chair. She needn't have bothered with being modest, as Jared has closed
his eyes again.]
Jared: I...remembered something...that happened in my past. It's
important. It's put things in perspective. (long pause) I didn't _want_
to remember it.
Ritsuko: Did it probe your mind?
Jared: No. It was more like...I had no sense of the outside world at
all. Perhaps the Angel could read my mind, but I couldn't sense it if it
was. Instead, all my thoughts were turned inward.
Ritsuko: (smiling slightly) My, that must have been painful.
[Jared opens his eyes. We don't see the look he gives Ritsuko, but the
doctor suddenly looks like she's going to scream, but won't for fear
she'll never stop.]
Jared: (dark and evil voice) You have _no_ idea. (normal, and somewhat
wistful) I remembered my college days. I was taking Basic Ninja back
then, you see.
Ritsuko: (skeptical) Okay.
Jared: Anyway, I fell in love--deeply in love--with...
[Jared looks past Ritsuko, into the past, seeing something he doesn't
want to reveal to the outside world. Something secret that is his and
his alone.]
Jared: (lamely) ...a girl. She was wonderful, everything was
wonderful...yet it wasn't. There were other things that went on. She...
she...I did a lot of things I've come to regret more than you can ever
imagine. You won't believe me if I told you, but it was horrible...
(tearing up) I was horrible. I remember that I...enough. I didn't need
to re-live it.
Ritsuko: When you were done remembering this, that's when it ejected
you?
Jared: (amazed) I killed it.
Ritsuko: Excuse me?
Jared: (shocked) How did I...I...I didn't...
Ritsuko: Waddell?
Jared: (still in shock) I killed it. I don't know how, but I killed it.
[Ritsuko looks skeptically at the Goon.]
Ritsuko: I think that's all for today. I'm recommending you stay here
overnight for observation. (under her breath as she stands) Not that
there's a chance in Hell of you taking my advice.
Jared: Whatever. (to himself) I _killed_ it? _How_?
----------
[NERV hospital room, some hours later, the door opens to admit a nervous
Toji Suzuhara and Shinji Ikari. Jared spies them, his calm, watching
stare freezing them in their tracks. Then the moment passes and the
three greet each other in the tradition of insecure heterosexual males
everywhere.]
Toji: Hey.
Jared: Hey.
Shinji: Hey. How are you doing?
Jared: Fine, fine. How are things on the outside?
Shinji: Boring. We were sitting in the staging rooms all day.
Toji: We...we were worried about you, man.
Jared: No you weren't. (looks at Toji) You're upset that I taught you to
sing, aren't you?
Shinji: We aren't supposed to sing during an alert!
Jared: (raises a finger) Read the manual, Shinji. It is _not_
prohibited, just...frowned upon. You silly Japanese...is Asuka still
upset at me?
Shinji: (glowering) About what, specifically?
Jared: Um...never mind. (begins whistling "Fly me to the Moon")
Toji: We shoulda brought some flowers or something. This place is kind
of bland.
Jared: Well, I'm getting used to it. I was here last week.
[He looks at the ceiling. The pilots look at the ceiling. For a moment
all three admire the hastily tacked-up poster of a naked and very
well-endowed woman giving a lascivious "come hither" gesture to all who
dare to look.]
Toji: (slight blush) What is it with you and girls?
Jared: Throughout history, women have been oppressed, treated as sex
objects, sacrifices, and slaves. The oldest profession is prostitution
for crying out loud! I admire woman for her strength, for her persever-
ance, for her forgiving nature, for carrying children, and for enduring
the fire and the sword! Woman _deserves_ to be free, to be worshiped!
She is the hearth, the home, and the sheath for man! (crosses himself) I
lay in humble awe of woman, and dedicate myself to treating the fairer
sex in the manner they truly deserve, not pillage their rights to
satisfy my base urges.
Toji: And yet, helping them has to involve tons of sex, right?
Jared: (first genuine smile of the day) Who am I to complain if being
such a great guy just goes along with engaging in the natural and common
practice of procreation?
[All three look serious and nod gravely for all of two seconds, then
burst out laughing.]
----------
[A short while after Suzuhara and Ikari leave, Rei enters Jared's
hospital room.]
Jared: Oy. I really don't feel up a quickie right now, Rei-chan.
Rei: ...
Jared: My hands are doing fine.
Rei: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: Did you want something?
Rei: are you all right?
Jared: < o_0; > I'm...okay. How are you?
Rei: i am fine.
Jared: (lets out a whistle while eying her appreciatively) Yes you are.
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
[Rei turns to leave.]
Jared: Rei?
Rei: hai?
Jared: Can you do me a favor?
Rei: ...
Jared: Give Asuka a big kiss with lots of tongue. Please? I'll pay you
if you can video tape it!
[Rei opens the door and steps into the hallway.]
Rei: i'll think about it.
[Then the door closes.]
Jared: (to himself) Aren't you a ray of sunshine.
----------
[Hours later, Andy walks through the door to Jared's hospital room.]
Jared: Not it.
Andy: What?
Jared: I can tell just by the look on your face.
Andy: Don't start with me. I need to know--Not--
Jared: Not it!
Andy: --it! Damn you Waddell! (cracking) That's not fair! Three two
one--
Jared: Not it!
Andy: --Not it! ... GOD DAMN IT!!! You always call not it first!
Jared: (shrugs) What else did you come here for?
Andy: (snarling) The 12th.
Jared: (thoughtful) Everyone's been sooo curious about that lately.
Isn't there something else you'd like to talk about?
Andy: So. What happened inside?
Jared: (scary face) It was a living hell...
Andy: Oh? Well forget I asked, then.
Jared: But...but...I had a flashback all prepared!
Andy: (checks his Mini-MAGI) Well, the next scene's not due up for
another thirty seconds. What have you got?
Jared: Just one cut, if you don't mind.
[Andy gives the "go ahead" gesture.]
[Flashback.]
[Jared is facing himself. Nothing unusual, at least in Eva.]
Jared: What the fuck? I'm in one of those Abstract Eva Mind thingies,
aren't I?
Jared: Yes you are.
Jared: I'm here to question my existence or some shit?
Jared: That's my job, actually.
Jared: Fuck that noise. (short pause) I've always wanted to do this.
Jared: Well, go for it. It's your time after all.
[Two two point at each other excitedly.]
Jared: You da man!
Jared: No, you da man!
Jared: No, _you_ da man!
[End Flashback (THANK THE MOTHER FUCKING LORD!).]
Andy: (clawing at the door) LeT mE OuT!!!
Jared: Hey, I want to know what happened to John!
[Andy stops and looks even more shaken than before.]
Andy: ...You heard his brain break?
Jared: That distinctive snapping sound like a dry pretzel being broken
in two with the devil's own pliers in the hands of a soulless ice-cream
man?
Andy: (nods knowingly) That was _exactly_ the sound.
Jared: So, he's reached the preliminary dissociative state?
Andy: It's pretty mild this time.
Jared: (muses this) It sure came on quick though. I'm guessing the patch
won't hold for long, and when it goes...
Andy: Exactly. And we have the 13th.
Jared: And that stupid Jet-Alone thing. John will have to be there, no
doubt.
Andy: Why?
Jared: Because I don't want to wait too long to effect your inevitable
defeat.
[A glint shines in both Jared and Andy's eyes.]
Jared: So, where is he?
Andy: This way.
[A few doors down the hall, the Goons enter another private room. John
is strapped to a bed humming the Imperial March from Star Wars.]
Andy: John, what day is it?
John: Candy! (short pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?
[Andy and Jared exchange knowing looks.]
Jared: < ^_^ > I can fix him. I have the technology!
[In a flash, Jared is wearing a surgical gown and holding a shaving
razor in one hand and a bone saw in the other. He walks over to John and
pulls a while sheet over him, leaving only the top of his head exposed.
A nurse leans into view primarily to show off a foot of cleavage. Jared
revs the bone saw with enthusiasm.]
Andy: < -_- > No. Let me flash him. You snap him out of it. He'll be
docile, easy to lead, just like last time. Avoid anyone important or
dangerous and get him to the apartment. I'll run interference and get
the anime lined up for "reprogramming."
Jared: (back his "normal" clothes) How long do you think the patch will
hold?
Andy: (shrugs, pulls out the neuralizer) Cover your eyes.
[Flash.]
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[Outside of John's room, Andy puts the neuralizer away, checks his
Mini-MAGI, and quickly teleports to a hallway nearly a mile away.]
Andy: (appearing in front of Misato and Ritsuko on their way too
Hospital 2) LOOK, A FLYING PIG!!!
[The NERV officers walk past him, talking amongst themselves.]
Andy: (thinking the painfully obvious) That's not going to distract
them. I must...strategize.
[Andy fires a ki blast down the hallway, detonating it a dozen yards
past the women.]
Ritsuko: What the hell was that for?!
Misato: You nearly killed us!
Andy: (assumes a running pose) It's time to play "follow the mad
mecha..."
[But Ritsuko and Misato have already ducked through a side door.]
Andy: (idly) Usually it's the background extras that run away from me.
And usually, they're screaming. (sets himself) I can't believe I'm going
to chase women for those bastards...
----------
[Jared sits on the only chair in John's room. John's reciting verses
from the Necronomicon in the original sandskrit. But Jared isn't really
paying attention, even when one of the incantations catches his hair on
fire. No, his attention is turned inward, to the past, to the past he
related to Ritsuko, to when he wasn't there for John because...]
Jared: (thinking) I just have to get him to the apartment. He's _my_
responsibility. I just need him moving...I need to snap him out of...
Voice: (echoing in Jared's head) Be the hero, Jared. You can do it.
Jared: (sighs, then sets himself) Look! Rit-chan naked!
[No response. Jared whips off his shoes and grabs a few supplies from
the room's cabinet and begins juggling them. Well, he throws them into
the air with great flourish, anyway. The NERV orchestra tosses off a few
bars from the Sabre Dance.]
Jared: (bowing and smiling, even as the objects pelt the back of his
head) Eh? Eh? EH?!
[No response.]
[Jared pulls up a curtain for a few seconds. When it drops, he's dressed
in a tutu. The NERV Orchestra begins a fast-paced Can-Can tune that
Jared dances to for a moment.]
[No response.]
[Jared attempts shadow puppets on John's prone form, using a nearby
floor lamp.]
[Nothing.]
[But Jared doesn't give up easily. He tries tickling the Goon, pushing
his bed around, reading literature to him, doing a solo of "The Pirates
of Penzance," throwing daggers at the bed and wall around him, shooting
apples from his head with arrows, and holding a rich chocolate and
strawberry sundae under his nose.]
[Jared stops to ponder his next move, but after finishing the sundae,
whatever evil machinations were brewing within his "brain" are rendered
irrelevant. When he's making to leave for a few shaving razors and a
bucket of warm water, John finally wakes up.]
John: (as if just realizing this) I know C++.
Jared: (horrified) Show me.
[John whips a pen out of...somewhere, and draws something on his sheets.
Jared reads it and pukes into the room's wastebasket.]
Jared: (wiping his mouth) Okay, that proves you know C++. How do you
feel?
John: Purple.
Jared: I go through all this trouble to wake you up and you say
'purple?!'
John: You were trying to wake me up?
Jared: (dramatic wounded collapse to floor) My genius is wasted on you!
John: (also dramatic) Your genius is wasted on everybody!
Jared: (more drama) You wound me!
John: (matching drama) I have not yet begun to wound you!
Jared: (normal) So what's up?
John: < ^_^ > Slide.
Jared: Do you have anything to add?
John: Pickle.
Jared: < o_o; > ...Is that your final answer?
John: Hmmm...what is the State of Mississippi?
Jared: Do you know where you are?
John: (with great confidence and enthusiasm) FISH! (then somewhat
confused) La Grange point alpha?
[Jared checks the room, then John's chart, apparently to see if any
amount of a certain drug has been recently administered to the Goon. It
seems that none has, for Jared finally sighs a Great Sigh.]
John: Are we done?
Jared: Do remember what happened before you got knocked out?
John: (thinks hard for a minute) Is this a trick question?
Jared: (out loud) Well, at least no one will ask stupid questions while
I lead him to the surface.
[Jared un-straps his friend and they make for the door.]
John: (at the two leave the room) I like your hairdo. Kind of...flaming?
Jared: (shocked, feeling his flaming mop) I HAVE HAIR?!!
----------
[Meanwhile, down the hallway and around a few corners, Misato and
Ritsuko run as if pursued by the devil.]
Misato: (outright panic) He still hasn't said boom whee!
Ritsuko: (outright panic) Has the world gone mad?!!
[Andy drops into the hallway from a conveniently placed ventilation
grate.]
Andy: Fooo~uuund you!
[Andy fires a blast into their midst. Misato, acting on instinct,
returns fire.]
Misato: Hadouken!
[A minor explosion rocks the corridor.]
Andy: (covered in dust) Most impressive.
[The Major and scientist are beyond freaked out now. Ritsuko draws her
light sabre, casting eerie rays of red light through the dust, while
Misato quickly does a few stretches.]
Andy: I need to talk to you two for a minute.
[The women draw themselves into threatening fighting stances.]
Andy: (sighs) Well, if there's one way to work off stress...
Ritsuko: (charging) YAAAA!
Misato: (charging) KIYAAA!
Andy: (charging) TACO!!!
[They fight.]
[It's completely a bad-assed fight, both picturesque and artistic in
ways impossible to describe with mere words. So, I won't.]
----------
Cost of Misato & Ritsuko vs. Andy Fight: 7,000,000 Yen.
----------
[Instead, I give you Shinji in an elevator. A tinny rendition of "Fly Me
to the Moon" squawks out of the speakers, Shinji tapping his foot to the
beat.]
Shinji: (thinking) I wonder what Misato wanted to talk about. I don't
think she's _ever_ called me into her office. I wonder what sort of
place it--
[The Eva Introspection is cut short like a ferret in a guillotine as the
escape hatch is kicked open by someone on top of the elevator, letting
180 of the dumbest pounds on planet earth plunge into the small and
rapidly descending space. Jared regains his balance, blinking some of
the red liquid that covers his body out of his eyes, and adjusts his
grip on what appears to be a large handgun and a large submachinegun.]
Shinji: < 0_0 > Wha...wha...wha...
Jared: (singing operatically) What is that little thing I see upon that
hill there, baaa~aaaby! Is that the little girl I knew before I knew you
baaa~aaaby? (normal) What?
Shinji: < 0_0; > What _happened_ to you?!
Jared: Never mind that, you must immediately make for Briefing Room
Eight, sub-section twelve, on level 72F.
Shinji: (thinking out loud) If we only have seven pilots, why are there
eight briefing rooms?
Jared: Those are in sub-section two, level 18N. The ones I'm talking
about are for the janitorial staff.
Shinji: (as-if-that-makes-any-fucking-sense tone) Oh...
Jared: (to no-one in particular) Son of a...he's here.
[Jared pushes the stop button on the elevator, dons his Sam Fisher-style
night vision gear, and cuts power to the lights. Then he turns on his
Mini-MAGI voice system and hacks into the elevator's controls. The car
moves down a few levels, then stops.]
Shinji: (whispering) You could have just pushed the button for this
floor!
[Jared looks at him, probably with a blank stare, but you can't tell
with the goggles on. Shinji nervously shuffles his feet and wrings his
hands. Then Jared jumps straight up, places a foot against each wall,
and hangs his upper body up-side down.]
Jared: (thinking) Crap! Hernia! Hernia!
[The doors open, admitting John. He's covered in purple liquid and holds
guns similar to Jared's. He also has matching goggles. Jared hangs down
and fires off a short burst of purple paint-balls, then drops to the
floor and shoves Shinji aside. John counters, literally painting the
walls of the elevator red. Jared, crouched under the return fire,
thrusts a pistol-type paintball gun into Shinji's hands and charges
John, knocking the large Goon back until he stops, suddenly windmilling
his arms.]
Jared: (shouting to Shinji) Go! I'll catch up with you! Trust no-one!
John: Don't--I'm a the top of--
[Then John's falling, Jared going down with him.]
[THUD!]
Jared: Oof!
[THUD!]
John: Ow!
[THUD!]
Jared: Ungh!
[THUD!]
[THUD!]
[THUD!]
[THUD!]
[And this goes on for quite a while.]
Shinji: I should have warned them. That's a pretty long stairway.
[THUD!]
[THUD!]
[THUD!]
[THUD!]
[And so-on.]
----------
Cost of Guns Clashing: 470,000 Yen.
----------
[An hour and several dozen health-packs later.]
[Open on a dark room. All of the pilots (Ayanami, Ikari, Sohryu, Toji,
and the recently inducted Aida) stand in a circle. Jared stands in the
middle under a single bare light bulb while John watches from the
sidelines. Andy is nowhere to be seen.]
Jared: The first rule of Eva Club is you don't talk about Eva Club.
Toji: And yet, here you are, talking...
Jared: Shut up. The second rule of Eva Club is you don't talk about Eva
Club.
Asuka: He's needlessly repeating himself too.
Jared: I heard that. The third rule of Eva Club is when the Angel
explodes, or goes silent, only THEN is the fight over.
Kensuke: We have to be in a club to fight Angels?
Jared: Watch it mister. The fourth rule of Eva Club is one Angel at a
time.
Asuka: What about no spitting on the Evas?
Jared: Quiet! The fifth rule of Eva Club is one Eva at a time.
Toji: This is so stupid. Why are we even listening to this?
Jared: Because you need to learn it! The sixth rule of Eva Club is, wear
your fucking plug suits.
Shinji: But I've fought in street clothes before...
Jared: SHUT UP! The seventh rule of Eva Club is you don't stop fighting
the Angel until it's DEAD.
Asuka: Well, DUH.
Jared: GOD DAMN IT! I SAID QUIET!!! (brief pause; catches his breath)
And the eighth and final rule of Eva Club is, since this is the first
meeting of Eva Club, I get to kick your asses.
Toji: Is this just a clever way to beat up on Aida like you've beaten up
on the rest of us?
Jared: (offended) No!
Asuka: Actually, it's not a clever plan.
Jared: Exac--I mean, I'm offended by that remark!
Asuka: (smirks) See, I told you so. Hey Worm, what's up?
John: The red-headed one was talking to me. Of her, I had only vague
memories. Flashes of color and violence. Was this a lover? An enemy?
There was one thing I knew for sure, she would be trouble.
Asuka: (face falls) Uh...John?
Jared: He's not right in the head right now--
John: --blond man was covering well for me. My thoughts still a jumble,
I hovered at the edge of the light, held back by the darkness--
Jared: (as John continues to narrate what's happening out loud) Just use
small words with him...once he's off his Max Payne kick.
Asuka: (one eye on John) What happened to him?
Jared: (sighs) Lots of things, but basically don't expect him to be
fully functional until Andy and I have completed the necessary repairs.
Asuka: (aghast) He's not some mechanical construct, he's a very troubled
man!
Jared: (smirks) Funny...he said pretty much the same thing about you
just two episodes ago. Ninja Vanish!
Asuka: Hey! (as a ceiling tile hits her on the head) Ow! (looks around)
Where did John go?
[Asuka turns around to see John tapping Kensuke on the shoulder.]
John: You and me pal.
Kensuke: < 0_0 > ... (thinking) I must fight. I must be strong. I
must...CRUSH ALL WHO OPPOSE ME IN MY QUEST TO PILOT AN EVANGELION!!!
(out loud, flexing his forearm at John) OYAJI!!!
[The others shrug and give them space as Jared drifts in from the
surrounding darkness.]
Jared: (Mortal Kombat style) FIGHT!
----------
[Sometime much later in the day, Misato and Ritsuko march into a random
briefing room. Miles away from the pilots and their "training," the trio
checks the room for listening devices to assure their privacy. Then it's
Andy's turn to enter and sit on the hot plate.]
Misato: What happened to John? Tell us the truth!
Andy: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Ritsuko: Tell us anyway!
Andy: (savage) The truth is he's broken! He's shattered! Jared and I
picked up the pieces years ago, made him what he is today. If it wasn't
for us, there wouldn't be anything left!
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...
Misato: < 0_0 > ...
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...
Misato: < 0_0 > ...
[Obviously that wasn't the answer they were expecting.]
Ritsuko: Physically or mentally?
Andy: Of COURSE mentally! What the fuck did you think I was getting at?
This isn't Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein!" Do you see flesh falling off of
his face?
Misato: Wait a minute, what caused this?
Andy: (blushes) Mmmrrferblemm.
Misato: Quit mumbling and answer me, Mucha!
Andy: I...I don't know. I wasn't listening. That's not important anyway,
it's so random, only Jared knows what could trigger it.
Ritsuko: You mean he knows more about this than you?
Andy: (grudgingly) In a way...one might sort of construe that it's
_possible_ for him to theoretically know more than me...But just about
_that_!
Misato: Tell us what you know.
Andy: (eerily enough, gives John-like smile) Oh, come now doctor. Quid
pro quo.
Misato: We aren't going--
Ritsuko: What are you terms?
Misato: (aghast) Doctor! This--
Ritsuko: This is MY call, _Major_.
[Misato is positively fuming, but she holds her tongue. Ritsuko nods to
Andy.]
Andy: < ^_^ > Tell me about the new Jet Alone test--everything you know,
and I'll tell you everything I know about John's mental condition.
Ritsuko: I doubt that'll be useful, but the Jet Alone information can't
be that important.
Andy: < ^_^ > Not by itself, no.
[Misato calms down at this.]
Ritsuko: But you go first.
Andy: Of course...
----------
[The Three Goons apartment. John and Jared enter, dressed like the main
character (characters?) from Fight Club. I'll just leave that one to
your imagination. Jared spies several cardboard boxes while John
produces a cardboard sword and begins going through what appear to be
light sabre kata. Discarding his "Fight Club" getup, Jared rips the
boxes open and pulls out a very nice leather jacket with a large yellow
smiley face on the back. the words "BOOM." and Whee!" are set above and
below the face, respectively.]
Jared: Sweet! Our bomber jackets have arrived!
John: (bounding over) Yay! What are these?
Jared: They came with our contract.
John: Contract?
Jared: Yeah.
[He grabs the other jackets. For him there's a pinup girl clad in
lingerie that's almost illegal and striking a pose that most certainly
is. John's features an excellent rendition of a house of cards. Not very
exciting perhaps, but laden with deep meaning. The Goons look at the
coats for a minute, then Jared goes down the hall for a moment and comes
back with a small lamp. Putting the lamp in the box, he plugs it in and
a golden light shines on his and John's faces. They revel in the coats
for several more minutes while singing--well, "maiming" is more
accurate--an angelic chorus. Then a knock sounds at the door.]
Jared: (opening the door) It's for you, dude.
John: Not that octopus again.
Jared: < o_0 > ...
[Jared steps aside to reveal Rei. John looks at her, not comprehending.]
John: Why, hello there.
Rei: genoni-oniisan, can we talk?
[The two make their way into John's room. Jared shrugs and leaves for
the roof. After scaring a few commercial airline pilots half to death,
he goes back to the apartment, opening the door just in time to see
Ayanami putting her shoes on.]
Jared: S'up, babe?
Rei: ...
Jared: Oh, the big Ayanami Silent Treatment, huh? (tries a different
track) What'd you guys talk about?
Rei: ...
[The albino rises, fixes Jared with a look, then leaves without a word.]
Jared: What the...on anyone else, that's nothing. (looks at the closed
door) But was she...sad? (normal) Oh well, on to ice cream!
John: (suddenly appearing) Where? Where? I want it! I want it!
----------
Cost of Bomber Jackets: 100,000 Yen.
----------
[Andy comes into the Goons' apartment to find John absent and Jared
sitting on the couch. Then John comes out of his bedroom and hands Andy
his sturdy and well-made leather bomber jacket.]
Andy: Hell yeah! When'd these come?
Jared: Today.
Andy: What'd they do, raise the calves by hand?
Jared: They better have, I put very specific calf-rearing instructions
into that contract! If somebody deviated from it without a good reason,
they'll be picking out their tombstone by nightfall!
Andy: < o_0 > Why?
Jared: Well, I thought that by raising the cows a certain way, the coats
would be more or less bullet-proof.
Andy: < o_0 > Wouldn't that make them hard to kill?
Jared: You don't know the half of it. There was this fish my dad and I
caught in Texas that was all but bullet-proof, gave me a few ideas...
anyway, I left detailed calf-killing instructions in our contracts too,
just in case.
[Andy wisely decides it's best not to think about this any longer.]
Andy: I'll...take your word for it. (looks at the art on the back)
They're really nice.
Jared: Too bad it's so hot. I want to wear mine.
Andy: Yep. So, ask me about my day.
Jared: How was your day?
Andy: (in tale-weaving mode) THERE I WAS...surrounded on all sides!
Minions of the dark lord rushing for me, grabbing at my throat (begins
the one-man reenactment) with a swoosh! Ha! And I'm all (kicks a few
holes in the wall) Yayayayaya! And then boom! Bang! Pa-ting! (mimicks
holding a shield) And he was all (zips across the room and assume a
haughty pose) "You again?" and I was all (zips back to his original
position and tries to look innocent) "Yes. I have come to take what is
mine." And we were all-- (he leaps around the room, murdering the air in
various ways, flipping through the air) Ha! Ha! HA! HA! HAA! And he's
all (zips across the room, again in the haughty pose) "Take this!" (goes
back to "fighting" the air) And I'm all "Yaaa!" And he's doing the
whoosh! Woosh! (mimicks some punching) And explosions! (wild hand
gestures) BOOM! BOOM! BOOOM! And I'm all (runs around the room, knocking
over furniture) but he's like (picks up a floor lamp and uses it like a
staff, attacking the couch, which is standing on its side) whap! Smack!
Crunch! (the couch falls, soundly beaten) And then he does this wicked
Shiruken thingy! (grabs his own cell-phone and throws it Shiruken style)
HAA!
[Shinji is coming through the wide-open front door at that exact moment.
The phone makes a nice dent in Shinji's head, also conveniently robbing
the Eva pilot of consciousness. As the limp form of Shinji Ikari falls
to the floor, Andy stops and stares in surprise and stares at the
results of his handiwork.]
Jared: < 0_0 > You should stop that before you kill somebody important.
Andy: < 0_0 > Why didn't he knock?
Jared: < -_- > Probably because we couldn't hear the doorbell over your
shouting and you never lock the damn thing. And what were you doing
fighting the Psycho Sensei when you were _supposed_ to be _here_ helping
me patch up John?!
Andy: He needs a day off. What do you care, anyway? You're not the
Responsible One.
Jared: Well, I'm still waiting for our big fight, that's all.
Andy: Grrrr...In due time, Waddell!
----------
Cost of Rubber Phone: 900 Yen.
----------
[The next day, in a random corridor of NERV.]
John: Mido-clan Sexcraft is a joke. Miko has absolutely no fighting
ability what-so-ever.
Jared: Take that back!
John: Not a chance! She's so weak, she could be defeated and then
molested by a wet paper sack.
Jared: That was just in that one episode! Besides, you're missing the
point of Sexcraft. It's primary focus is to lull the enemy into a false
sense of confidence and defeat him from the inside by the very act,
namely sex, which they want! Demons lose their consistency and humans...
John: Get tired banging the slut.
Jared: Don't call her that!
John: Why not?! Her job description is to get fucked by tentacle demons
and "evil" ninja multiple times every damn episode. And I say "fucked"
instead of "raped" because the little whore wants it as much as the
demons do.
Jared: She's half-demon, it's in her nature to be a little frisky.
Misato: (through door and barking questions) What's going on here? Why
aren't you all working?
Asuka: (answering for the silent, awestruck crowd) John and Jared have
become partial to tests of intellect--debates if you will--over
completely pointless topics. The goal is to see how long they can argue
without resorting to violence.
Misato: (suspicious) Oh really? What's the topic this time?
Asuka: I'm pointedly ignoring them, but I think they were discussing
whether La Blue Girl is merely tentacle porn or if it also counts as
ninja anime. Jared's arguing for, John's against.
Misato: (thinking) Ignoring them. Right. (out loud) Couldn't it just be
Ninja Tentacle anime?
Asuka: I'm sure most would accept that, but, as I said, they pick
pointless topics.
Misato: So where are they now?
Asuka: (Explanation Mode) Something about while there are ninja in the
anime the main character must be one to fully count. John's attacking
Miko by denying she's a real ninja. Jared said she is a kunnoichi
because she has the clothes, the moves, and the Cool Factor. John
negated the clothes saying she hardly wears them and when she does they
don't stay on her for more than a minute. So now John's attacking Miko's
skills as a ninja.
Misato: (winking with a smile) I thought you were ignoring them.
Asuka: Fine, you can mediate. (makes to leave) I'm outta here.
Misato: (holds a hand out to stop her) Are they making any sense?
Asuka: No.
Misato: Have they made any sense since they got here?
Asuka: No.
Misato: (frowning) Do you expect them to make sense any time soon?
Asuka: No.
[Misato sighs.]
Misato: Fine, get going. (walks towards the goons) Guys--
Jared: (roaring) DIE!
John: (roaring) NEVER!
[The two clash like fighting bulls, fists flying everywhere. Short
punches are exchanged. Misato watches in confusion. This fight, though
appearing violent to the un-trained eye, is nothing like the vicious
winner-take-all brawls the Goons have been breaking into at a moment's
notice since their arrival. Absent the usual homicidal intent, the two
calm down after about ten seconds of spirited chest-butting, chuckle,
and walk down the hall with arms thrown over each other's shoulders.]
Misato: Well, that was...weird.
[Well, she _does_ have a way with words.]
----------
[A few minutes later, in the cafeteria...]
Jared: Hey, they have Italian for lunch!
John: WHAT? Where? (girlish squeal of fear) Get it away from me!
Jared: (casually, to the goon hiding behind him) You love Italian. You
_are_ Italian. What's wrong with you?
John: (not listening, eyes zooming around like rabbits on crystal meth)
Spaghetti...spaghetti everywhere...coming to get me... (frightened
yelp; points randomly) Noodles! Noodles!
Jared: < 0_0;;; > Oookaaay...
[Jared steers his friend to a table only occupied by Rei. She's eating
some lasagna, but not having a very easy time of it. Ever try to eat
lasagna with chopsticks? Well, give it a try sometime and you'll know
what I mean.]
Jared: Rei. S'up.
Rei: word. what up, dog?
[At hearing Rei, John seems to snap out of his funk and looks around,
confused.]
Jared: Not much, girl. (to John) Wha'sup, homie?
John: (to Jared) S'up, ese. (to Rei) Hey girl.
[Rei blinks and looks at John. John blinks and looks at Rei. Rei blinks
again and looks at Jared. John does the same. Jared blinks slowly and
looks at John and Rei. John and Jared sit down.]
John: (at a loss for words) What...what...
Jared: I've been teaching Rei ebonics.
John: < o_0 > Why?
Jared: (shrugs) Well, I keep talking to her, and that flat monotone is
getting kind of annoying...and hell, there's no black people around her
to get offended.
John: (pats Jared on the shoulder consolingly) That's okay. I'll be
offended for you.
Jared: (tears in his eyes) Really?
John: Yeah man, I will.
Jared: (hugging John and sobbing) I...I love you man!
John: (pushing away Jared) You're not getting my rolls.
[John nabs two small rolls from the basket on the table, Forces a pair
of forks from the lunch line, stabs them into the rolls, and does that
dancing boots scene that Charlie Chaplin made famous. Jared watches part
of it, then turns his attention to Rei.]
Jared: Hey Rei, there's some important things I've been meaning to tell
you.
[Rei might be paying attention. She might have waved him to go ahead, or
maybe she was just wiping her mouth with extra flourish. Her eyes may
have flickered to John for a second, but with someone so subtle, it's
damn hard to tell, all right! Now quit badgering me!]
Jared: The Truth, you understand.
John: What?! What is this Truth you speak of Waddell?!
Jared: You were born in a tank several hundred floors below us. You're a
clone.
John: Don't tell her that!
Jared: And the world is made of cheese.
John: Be quiet, you!
Jared: (grinning manically) It's not round, either! It's shaped like a
burrito!
[No one is ever going to get that reference.]
[John tosses away the bread roll shoes, grabs a nearby baguette, and
attacks Jared with it. The goons crash to the floor. For a moment, Rei
can't see anything, then John's head and shoulders come into view. Fury
is written on his face. He raises the bread like a knife and stabs down
(presumably) at Jared. A spurt of red liquid flies into the air. A
twisted grin spreading across his face, John repeats the violent,
two-handed stabbing motion several more times, a geyser of red spraying
into the air with every stab.]
[Ignoring the stares of the other employees (most of whom now try to
ignore what the Goons are doing all of the time), Rei dips a finger into
a puddle of this crimson liquid where it landed on the table, and tastes
it.]
Rei: not bad.
[Panning over the table, we see Jared on the floor holding a bowl of
marinara sauce over his chest, though most of the sauce is on his
clothes, the floor, and the bread that John is still holding.]
Jared: < 0_0 > Are you done?
John: (slightly dazed) I, uh...do it.
Jared: Or something. You want a ride?
[John jumps off the other Goon as if he were just sitting on a frying
pan, but helps Jared to his feet. The bread and bowl of marinara sauce
are set aside and the Goons re-seat themselves at Rei's table.]
Jared: So, Rei, how's life?
Rei: it is all right.
Jared: Now that I've guided you into a more casual subject with
ninja-like conversation skills, how far have you gone?
[No one's going to get that reference either.]
Rei: gone where?
Jared: You know, first base...second base? How far have you gone?
Rei: (thinks for a second before answering) i do not play baseball.
Jared: (glaring at John) Pity. It's a great game.
[A moment passes.]
Rei: who are you?
[Jared sighs. John looks to him, then to Rei when she speaks.]
Jared: I'm a Goon. What else is there to know?
Rei: i want to know.
Jared: Er...stuff. Look, I'm just not all that great at putting this
into a story or something.
[Several people cough into their hands, sounding suspicious like a
certain word...]
Rei: tell me what you know.
[John is now following the conversation as one would a tennis ball at
Wimbledon.]
Jared: I don't want to. There's nothing about me you could possibly want
to know.
Rei: can i not be the judge of that?
Jared: ... Look, you're fourteen--er, eight...seven? Zero? Heck, you're
a clone, why do you care?
Rei: i just want to know who you are.
Jared: AAAAAARRRRGGGG!
[John gets up and leaves.]
Jared: _Why_ do you care? What are you _getting_ at?!
Rei: you are perverted and violent. your character will explain why.
Jared: This is crazy. You've been hanging around John too much.
Rei: and you are avoiding my question.
Jared: You don't even have the literary capacity to understand that
question! (starts looking for John and misses the tiniest frown directed
at him) Where'd he go?
----------
[Meanwhile, elsewhere in NERV...]
Misato: You're not hard to find, Mucha.
Andy: (pouring over plans) Major.
Misato: (looks around the Goons' office) Love what you've done with the
place.
Andy: (irritated) Do you _want_ something? I'm very busy.
Misato: I thought you'd be out blowing stuff up. (prompting) Boom? Whee?
Andy: (sighs) I'm the Responsible One. I can't do that right now.
Misato: So _you're_ the Responsible One? I was wondering why you were
speaking in complete sentences yesterday. (ignores the glare sent her
way) How'd Jared lose that contest?
Andy: (upset) Lose? We call not it. He wins just because he has better
reflexes, the bastard.
Misato: You call not it? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Andy: Whenever John's brain breaks, the next time we encounter one
another, we count to three, the the first one to say "not it" doesn't
have to be the Responsible One. Didn't you have a normal chil--oh, never
mind.
Misato: Never mind what?
Andy: Nothing. Is that all?
Misato: No. Where _are_ John and Jared?
Andy: En route to our apartment...or busily signing their own death
warrants.
Misato: Does being responsible always put you in a bad mood?
Andy: Let's put it this way; I remember why John is so fucking _pissed_
all of the time.
[Andy IT's out of the office without another word.]
Misato: (out loud to no-one in particular) He must have a far better
tolerance for it too. They're actually behaving themselves better than
since their arrival.
----------
[Apartment...well, you know the place. Seventh floor, right past the
wards and straight on until your mind crawls out of your skull and runs
away screaming.]
[Inside, we see that Jared and Andy have appropriated a Laz-E-Boy chair,
some rope, and made excellent use of both on John. Beethoven's 9th plays
softly through the Stereo System From HELL.]
[If you don't know what we're spoofing, STOP NOW and go watch "A
Clockwork Orange." There will be a test.]
Jared: Okay, I've got him strapped into the chair. You got the anime?
Andy: (reading off the video cases stacked in one arm) Ruroni Kenshin
OAV, Technolyze, Getter Robo: Armageddon, I Wish You Were Here, Fist of
the North Star, Spriggan...what?
Jared: No, no, maybe, nope, over my dead body, and no.
Andy: (looks at the last video) Love Hina?
Jared: (thinking look; shrugs) Should work out okay. Gimmie a few
episodes of Getter Robo and hand me that A-ko tape.
Andy: Here's some Goldenboy we have left over from last time.
Jared: Excellent. Let's get started.
----------
[Cut to later. We see a close-up of John's face, twisted by a savage
grin. He slowly sips a tall glass of milk while the camera pulls back.]
[See?!]
John: Well, after we took out the bank robbers and crazy-girl was locked
up, we used their mecha to defend the earth against alien invaders.
Everything got blown up anyway. Then I had to take my college entrance
exams. Surprisingly, I failed them, but I had a giant mecha, so I
couldn't complain. And after that I went on the road in search of
knowledge!
[By now the view shows that we're still in the apartment and Andy and
Jared have been listening raptly to John recant his "life story."]
["Story" indeed.]
Jared: (claps hands together happily) That was great! We should write
that combination down...
Andy: (grumpy) I still say we should have added some Fist of the North
Star.
Jared: Well, time to make this sound plausible!
[Jared pulls out a crowbar.]
----------
[Yet later that evening. John is coming to, rubbing an annoying bump on
his head. Before he forms coherent words, Andy offers him a light sabre
and a neuralizer. Jared hands him his glasses and Mini-MAGI.]
Jared: Welcome back, dude.
[John takes a moment to look around the apartment and note he's lying on
a new couch. To his right is the 110" television, the 25,000-watt
military-grade stereo system wrapped in British-made Cobham C-6 armor,
and the floor-to-ceiling THX certified speakers that have already moved
tectonic plates. A modest coffee table filled with video gaming
equipment is dwarfed by the massive TV. Down the wall from the TV
towards the balcony door is a reproduction "Alien" skull mounted on the
wall, then framed pictures of a wrecked train, several smoldering
craters, and Asuka in a revealing two-piece. In the corner stands a
tateful floor lamp. Then there's the new sliding glass doors to the
repaired balcony, framed by armored metal shutters. Next comes another
tasteful floor lamp, the man-eating plant (in cage), and a poster made
from a collage of combat photos showing Evas battling Angels. The next
corner holds another tasteful floor lamp. The back wall is a built-in
bookshelf featuring several generic university decorations (probably
stolen), including a globe, several diplomas, and three oddly familiar
bronze busts. We can only just make out one of them as being the
legendary Shiegeru Miyamoto. The other two slip by too fast to
recognize.]
[Then John looks at the ceiling, which is a living plaster portrait of
writhing bodies, some alien, some human, that actually move, warring and
loving one another, claw and teeth on skin, faces playing out a farce of
a grimace and wild, painful contortions, outstretched hands reaching for
your soul and threatening to drown your mind in madness. In other words,
perfectly at home in Eva.]
John: (calm) What happened?
Andy: (clearly rehearsed) The...Twelfth Angel's shadow bumped you on
the head real good.
Jared: (following the script) You were out of it for a few days,
mumbling this and that. The bump is still there but fading slowly.
John: (fully coming to) The Twelfth!
Andy: Relax dude, we defeated it.
John: How?
[Andy looks at Jared.]
[Flashback Mode.]
Jared: (silly pose, pointing at his double) No, you da man!
Jared: (likewise) No, _you_ da man!
[End Flashback Mode. Take several dozen cold showers and a fifth of
tequilla. Call a psychiatrist.]
John: (scared sane) STOP! STOOOP!
Andy: (glaring suspiciously at The Jared) You'll be happy to learn that
the world is still intact.
John: (flippantly) For the moment.
Jared: (dramatic swoon) You wound me!
John: (smiling) Good.
Andy: Before I continue my quest to crush this insect (points at Jared)
like a...insect--
Jared: Bug.
Andy: Shut up. I must inform you that the Jet Alone 2 activation trials
are due to start in ten days.
John: That means I'll need to plan something, naturally... (assumes
Thinker pose) I wonder if I can "borrow" an N2 device...
Jared: (he's done this a million times before) I'll put on the A-Team
theme song.
Andy: (more of the usual) I'll get the Dew.
[And lo, do the Three Goons burn the midnight oil.]
----------
Cost of Appropriate Apartment Decorum: 1,300,000 Yen and 5 Human souls.
----------
[A week has passed. It's a workday, and the Goons are in their office,
hardly working. John is slowly working his way through the usual
mountain of paperwork, mumbling things "_how_ much money did we spend
on..." and "_what_ did we use this for? Oh yeah, that." quite a bit.
Jared's been on the phone all day, and from the look on his face, 99% of
that time has been spent on hold. Andy is comparing schematics of
Gatling guns and calling engineers every five minutes to scream at them
in Spanish.]
Jared: Hello? Hello? Yes, this is Jared--what? Yes I did...Yes I did...
Yes I _did_. And? ... And? ... Yes? ... When? ... Right, I'm writing it
down. Thank you! (hangs up) Now I can ask Ikari!
John: (looking up) Ask him what?
Jared: (triumphantly) Why he let Aida become a pilot!
John: You could just call him on your Mini-MAGI.
Jared: No I can't. (pouts) He's got me blocked. Besides, I want to hear
his excuse in (power poses on his desk) PERSON!
John: ... Right.
Andy: (hangs up from another successful bout of screaming insults in
Spanish and looks at his Mini-MAGI) Shit! I'm going to be late!
Jared: Late for what?
Andy: Feh! You should be preparing for your doom, Waddell, not
questioning me!
[Jared shrugs.]
John: What _is_ he late for?
[Jared shrugs again with emphasis.]
----------
[Later that day, we find Jared walking politely next to Rei.]
Jared: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < ^_^ > Hey, I know, it's time for more annoyance!
Rei: ...
Jared: (fitting action to words) Poke...poke...
Rei: ...
Jared: Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.
Rei: ...
Jared: Poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke!
Rei: ...
Jared: (power pose) WADDELL SCHOOL ULTIMATE ANNOYANCE ATTACK! (begins
the Poke of Doom) POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPO--
[Ayanami's eyebrow twitches. Once.]
[Her hand comes towards Jared's face, open and with the fingers held
straight as fence boards. The mach cone formed around it creates a small
sonic boom on the ground before it slams into Jared's cheek hard enough
to crack a tectonic plate. The Goon bounces down the road, ricocheting
off of building after building like a super-ball, until he crashes into
a garbage truck about three hundred or so yards down the street.]
[A white number floats into the air above his head, reading "9999."]
[The corners of Rei's mouth just barely twitch upwards.]
Rei: goooooooooaaaaaaaaal.
----------
Cost of Rei's Revenge: 2 Yen.
----------
[Back at the range, some hours later. Jared walks through the door, his
clothing torn, his face a map of cuts and bruises.]
John: (looking up from the notes spread all over the kitchen table)
There you are! I haven't ta--
Jared: (clawing at the heavens) NOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Andy walks through the door in a similar state as Jared, adjusts an
imaginary tie, and...]
Andy: (panicked tone) WE'RE DOOMED!
Jared: (continuing) OH GOD!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (following right along) NOOOOOOO!
Jared: (overly dramatic) OH WHAT A WORLD!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (almost sobbing) YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!
Jared: (more drama) HOW COULD YOU?!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (peaking) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jared: (clawing at the sky again) WHY GOD...WHY?!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (beating on the floor in grief) OH THE HUMANITY!!!
Jared: (tearing at his clothes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (wounded animal) WHYYYYYYYYY!!!
Jared: (Homeric) ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (winding down) NOOOOOO!
Jared: (winding down) DOOOOOOMED!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (winding down) You foooools!
Jared: (winding down) Doomed I say, doooooomed!
John: < -_- > ...
[Andy and Jared finally come to a stop, adjust and fret over the remains
of their clothes as if they're wearing "Armani" instead of "shop rags."
After a moment of this, they go silent, looking patiently at John. The
silence drags out.]
John: (finally) Are you guys done?
[Andy and Jared quickly face away from John, heads touching in a quick
huddle. Whispers fly back and forth as hands describe complicated
motions in the air. Veins on John's forehead become prominent and throb
mightily. At length, the other two Goons seem to come to a consensus and
face John again. Another long silence follows. When John looks ready to
beat their answer out of them, Jared opens his mouth.]
Jared: (clawing at the heavens) NOOOOOOOOO!!!
John: (head in hands) ...
Andy: (panicked tone) WE'RE DOOMED!
Jared: (continuing) OH GOD!
Andy: (following right along) NOOOOOOO!
Jared: (overly dramatic) OH WHAT A WORLD!
Andy: (almost sobbing) YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!
Jared: (more drama) HOW COULD YOU?!!
Andy: (peaking) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jared: (clawing at the sky again) WHY GOD...WHY?!!
Andy: (beating on the floor in grief) OH THE HUMANITY!!!
Jared: (tearing at his clothes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Andy: (wounded animal) WHYYYYYYYYY!!!
Jared: (Homeric) ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!!!
Andy: (winding down) NOOOOOO!
Jared: (winding down) DOOOOOOMED!
Andy: (winding down) You foooools!
Jared: (winding down) Doomed I say, doooooomed!
Jared: < ^_^ > ...
Andy: < ^_^ > ...
John: < -_- > ...
Jared: < ^_^ > Okay, we're done.
John: Okay. As I was saying, I haven't talked with Ritsuko yet, but
Andy's briefing told me pretty much everything I need to know. The Jet
Alone MkII test will start very soon. I'm convinced this is the worst
possible thing to do right now.
Jared: Why?
John: Gut feeling.
Jared: Oh.
John: Mostly I'm bothered because NERV's in debt, and something needs to
be done about it or the Japanese government is going to put a freeze on
our operational orders and shut us down.
Jared: So?
John: With another walking nuclear reactor wandering around? I don't
think so.
Andy: No problem! Whip out Unit-06 and turn that pile of scrap metal
into smoldering slag!
John: Unit-06X, once it is repaired, will be placed under lock down.
Unit-04 just finished it's upgrade and re-fitting.
Andy: More than enough to kick the Jet Alone's ass!
Jared: (scooting away from the salivating Mucha) We could always
sabotage the Jet Alone test.
John: < o_0 > ...
Jared: What? Don't they already suspect us of sabotage.
John: No, you were making sense there. (rubbing his head) Look, this JA2
mess didn't even happen in the anime, and we have the 13th Angel to
worry about. We don't even know what form it will take!
Andy: Oh, that's easy. Whatever Eva's being delivered to NERV will be
infected.
John: We aren't getting a new Eva... < 0_0 > Oh. My. God.
Jared: (starts looking in the 'fridge) Where? WHERE?
John: < 0_0 > The Jet Alone MkII...the 13th Angel is going to infect it!
Andy: ... That's it? Why won't it infect something more terrifying?!
(power pose) I need a challenge!
Jared: (raised eyebrow) Is that a challenge?
Andy: ... I may have mentioned a challenge.
Jared: A challenge, eh?
Andy: A challenge could be involved.
Jared: A challenge would be...excellent.
Andy: Yes...excellent...
[Andy grins like a toddler in a room full of red buttons. Jared grins
like Happosai in the Playboy mansion.]
John: Oh hell no. I need you two walking disaster areas ready to take
down the JA2 and sacrifice yourselves to destroy the Angel.
Jared: (salutes) No problem, commander, I will be prepared for death!
...At Kensuke's house. (zooms out of the door)
Andy: That was unexpected.
John: (already dialing) I need to warn NERV.
Andy: (levitates off the floor) Whatever.
[While Andy does a few mid-air kata in the living room, John tries his
hand at this "dailing" thing.]
John: Hello? Hello?! ... No, I am not looking for Cutts the Butcher! I'm
trying to reach NERV! ... NERV! ... N-E-R-... What? ... No, I did not
dial 555...oh screw it. (hangs up; dials again) Hello? What? ... What?
... No, "Lum" isn't here. Who is this? ... Hello? Hello? (looks at the
receiver) Oh well, third time's a charm. (dials; taps his fingers on the
table waiting for the doctor to pick up) Hello, Ritsuko? Hey, I...what?
... Stop that! Quit speaking Chinese damn it, this is serious! ...
Ew! That's gross! ... No, don't--hang...up...
[John glares at the phone.]
John: Bastards! We _are_ doomed!!! (hurls the phone out of the window)
[From below one hears a phone shattering.]
Asuka: (from far below) SHINJI!
Andy: (hovering in the air, paused mid-strike) < 0_0 > ...
John: < 0_0; > Not a _word_.
----------
Cost of a Trip to the Hospital: 60,000 Yen.
----------
[The next day. We see John sitting at his desk in NERV, wearing a look
that says he'd rather be sitting anywhere else right now.]
Ritsuko: (over phone, apparently finishing a long tirade) ...so that's
the final schedule as we have it.
John: That's great Rit-chan, but I have one request.
Ritsuko: Not that I'm listening, but what is it?
John: Swap Rei for Asuka. She'll keep quiet and prove less of a
distraction for Shinji.
Ritsuko: Look, if something _does_ go wrong, we'll have the other pilots
here ready to scramble anyway.
John: I am _fully_ aware of that, Rit-chan. Just bring Rei with us.
Ritsuko: ... Fine. I guess there's no point in arguing about it.
John: Right. I'll be there on time, I promise.
Ritsuko: Yeah, right. Bye.
John: Bye.
[John hangs up the phone, then messes with the controls on his
Mini-MAGI.]
James: (over watch communications channel) Vee don't need no steenking
communications protocols!
John: Can it. You need to play ball or we're all going to die.
James: (deadpan) Yes dad.
John: You're thinking of Jared. This is John.
James: Right. Who can I do for ya?
John: < -_- > ... I need you to monitor everything and coordinate
communications among NERV personnel during the Jet Alone MkII test this
afternoon. I have the mother of all bad feelings.
James: Does this mean you're going to bust me out and vaporize another
Angel?
John: Sadly, no. I don't think we can afford another rail gun firing.
James: (almost taunting) "Can't afford" as in money or "can't afford" as
in human lives?
John: (frowning) Just keep your digital ears open. I'll be manning
Unit-05.
James: Wouldn't Rei do better in that? You could take 04.
John: The only other person who could either withstand or not be
disgusted by Unit-03 is Rei. Besides...she asked. I'll keep Unit-05.
Andy can grab 04 and Jared can fend for himself. He sounds like he's
looking for a power up.
James: Alrighty. Want me to keep an eye on them?
John: The blind watching the blind? No thank you, just do the
communications thing and scour the earth for a way to make the money
NERV needs to keep operating.
James: Alrighty then. Have fun getting stepped on by that walking
nuclear reactor!
John: Gee, thanks.
----------
[It's early afternoon, and we find John, Rei, Shinji, Misato, and
Ritsuko assembled in a parking lot adjacent to the train station out of
the anime. You know, the one that Shinji stands on and lets the train
leave and Misato's waiting there and...well, you've seen the anime,
right? RIGHT?!!]
Misato: Anyway, it will take us (looks at her van) about fifty minutes
to get there. We'll have fifteen minutes to get seated, and there will
be a 45-minute lecture. Assuming the demonstration works, the Japanese
government will be ordering six of these ridiculous contraptions
immediately. We are not here to prevent this from happening.
John: (musing out loud) Yet they won't put additional funding into
NERV...
Misato: Not surprising, considering the amount of collateral damage you
and your two cohorts have managed to inflict on the city in the last few
days. Look, we're not permitted to operate here. We set the Evas at some
nearby elevators anyway, on the far side of a large suburban area, just
in case that stupid robot wants to start something.
John: I suggest we leave a few Evas in town to keep Andy and Jared under
control.
Misato: Already done.
John: Then I guess it's time for a... (instantly wearing sunglasses,
Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt) ROAD TRIP!!!
[A tumbleweed rolls by during the ensuing silence.]
John: (getting into Misato's van) Killjoys.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[One hour later.]
[In a moment of surreal deja vu, we open on a large round table occupied
by John (still in vacation gear), Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and Misato.
There's no fancy dinner this time, and the lecture is short and sweet.
The new man at the lectern is short, severe, speaks only in formal
Japanese, and wears glasses thick enough to protect his eyes from an N^2
detonation. Once the formalities are over, the audience is invited to
watch the nearby proceedings on a (thankfully un-sabotaged) projector
screen.]
John: (quietly to the NERV table) I've got that bad feeling again.
Ritsuko: I feel it in the Force. There is something...coming for us.
Coming here.
[For some reason, John starts talking into his watch.]
John: James. Where are Jared and Andy?
----------
[The public transportation in Tokyo is a modern-day legend. Nearly as
grand in scope, and working much smoother than NERV HQ, it is an
invisible part of the city's life support system, as essential to
everyday life as water and food. The primary people movers are the large
red monorail cars that run through the city at various levels. Those set
twenty or more feet above the surface are reserved for the high-speed
trains that travel at more than 120 kph as they shuttle people and
products to and fro. Fitted with large windows and sliding doors, the
trains provide an excellent view of the buildings they pass, like a
plane flying between giant columns of stone and steel.]
[What's interesting about one of these high-speed units, at least
interesting to us, is its passengers. Two of them. Not that either of
them wants to be here, mostly because there's things to be blown up,
women to be oggled and ravaged, and...]
Jared: Dude!
Andy: Quiet! Your stupidity could be contagious.
Jared: (apparently oblivious) That's the whole idea! Check it out, dude.
John's off at that conference, the pilots are with him. Asuka's behind
several hundred layers of armor...we can have an all-out fight right now
with no-one to stop us!
[Oh no.]
Andy: Oh, yes! But...what about Ritsuko and Misato?
Jared: Conference as well.
[Oh shit.]
Andy: JSSDF?
Jared: (dismissive wave) Like they could stop us.
----------
[In the adjacent car, which is full of JSSDF ultra-secret special shock
troops, the leader begins to sweat profusely. Silently, he motions to
his men to prepare for the end. Oaths are sworn. Crosses are kissed
dieties are prayed to.]
----------
Andy: (eyes lighting up) I can finally kick your ass.
Jared: (challenging tone) I'd like to see you try.
[Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.]
Andy: You're on!
[GOD DAMN IT!!!]
[A dozen soldiers in black burst into the train car, all with heavy face
masks, body armor, and automatic weapons. The most highly trained and
well-armed of the JSSDF's Special Forces, they assault the Goons. Techno
music starts pumping out from...somewhere. Jared and Andy yawn and get
to their feet while the other passengers try to become permanently
bonded to various parts of the car's ceiling, railings, seats, etc., all
wide eyes and fear-filled stares.]
Jared: (to the soldiers) Couldn't you read the sign? "No soliciting."
Man #1: Hands up!
[The two shuffle to the center of the train car, hands held barely
higher than their shoulders, despite the commands from the men with
guns. The other passengers are quickly evacuated from the car by still
more black-clad soldiers.]
Andy: < ^_^ > I think you should handle this.
Jared: < ^_^ > Oh no, I think you should handle this.
Andy: < ^_^ > No, they're all yours.
Jared: < ^_^ > Please, finish them off.
[The soldiers sweat drop.]
Andy: You said they were pushovers.
Jared: < ^_^ > I said nothing of the sort. I said they couldn't stop us.
Andy: Bah. Take care of the rubbish, Waddell! NINJA VANISH!!!
[Andy jumps out of the train through one of the large windows, plowing
teeth-first into the side of a building. Jared looks through the broken
window at the receding skyscraper with a cloud of dust and debris
billowing out of its side.]
Jared: What am I? His errand boy? (shrugs) Oh well. Andy's incapacitated
for three seconds.
Man #1: Uh...hands up!
[Jared looks at the man like a rattlesnake contemplating its dinner,
then acts. Even if the soldiers could see him move, there's no guarantee
they could hit him.]
----------
[Overhead rail, stop 3-Red-7.]
[From within the bullet-riddled, slowly-approaching train comes the
sound of gunfire, desperate screams and shouts, more gunfire, and a
battle cry more at home in a kung fu movie starring Bruce Lee than an
everyday train designed to move people to their places of employment and
back again. In a startlingly normal manner, the train comes to a smooth
stop a full ten seconds after the noises cease. Then the train is
suddenly surrounded by black-clad JSSDF soldiers holding heavy automatic
weapons, and the doors are forced open with a mechanical latch. Tear-gas
grenades and thrown into the car, granting a dramatically obscured exit
to a disheveled, black-clad, blood-soaked figure.]
Jared: (bad New York accent) Another train, another bunch of trained
killers...how can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?
[Cut to a hundred yards away, ground level. Cue "Duel of the Fates" by
John Williams, performed by the NERV Philarmonic Orchestra. Andy watches
impassively as a large number of JSSDF troops assault Jared. The pervert
isn't just kicking ass, he's having it ground, pressed, dyed, dried,
frozen, vacuum packed, and mounted on a little plaque to set on his
desk.]
[Presently, the Goon leaves the platform. Well, it collapses and covers
everything dust, but he comes walking out of it dramatically, drops the
last few troops on the road with a pair of Uzi's, then tosses the guns
away. Twenty meters from Andy, he gains about six inches in altitude and
floats towards Andy imperially.]
[The second choral section kicks in as Jared comes within five meters of
Andy, his face tilted down to obscure his eyes in shadow. He stops a
scant eight feet from the large Goon and drops soundlessly to the
ground, facing his nemesis.]
Jared: (fatalistic) Are you ready?
Andy: (smirking) Bring it on.
----------
[Back at the conference center, the NERV entourage looks tense as they
see the Jet Alone MkII calmly walking around the test area. This beast
is marked the same as the Jet Alone MkI, but it's obvious that the
overall design has been substantially revised. Thicker arms and massive
shoulders frame the upper half, which features a large and heavily
armored head looking like a pyramid attached to a thick barrel. The arms
have more prominent elbow joints to match their sturdier design. The
legs are also thicker, their enhanced bulk no problem for it's
apparently greater strength. Slowly but surely, it's proving its
mettle.]
John: (into Mini-MAGI) James?
James: (via Mini-MAGI) It's control system is carefully locked off. I
already broke into it of course, but I have an EMP system on backup just
in case.
John: (into Mini-MAGI) Does it look legit?
James: (via Mini-MAGI) All the code appears to be Mishima originated.
There's a full set of combat routines here, but they're hard-wired into
the system. They're doing a combat demo anyway, so that in itself is not
suspicious.
John: (into Mini-MAGI) And there's nothing on the early warning system?
James: (via Mini-MAGI) Clear as the summer sky in Siberia. Say, would it
be odd for this Jet Alone to be controlled by another MAGI?
John: (to the table at large) That just means we're being jerked around
again. There's no way this thing is going to go out of control by i--
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm at we bring the Jet
Alone into Parking Mode.
[Every eye is on the screen.]
Shinji: Isn't that--
Ritsuko: (sigh of defeat) Looks like it's already in parking mode.
Misato: < 0_0 > ...my...van...
[No one breathes. An Angel attack they could deal with. But this...]
Misato: < 0_0 > ...MY VAN!
[Sure enough, one of the few things that could actually damage Misato's
ride has walked right into the guest parking lot, the inconsiderate
clod! The mecha, looking like a grey-and-red piece of construction
machinery, lifts it's foot off of the Minivan from Hell. Incredibly, the
beast is unscathed despite being pounded into a hole at the bottom of a
foot-shaped crater. Still, Ritsuko Forces Misato's sidearm into her hand
and quickly pockets it in her tasteful jacket, just in case.]
Misato: YOU BASTARDS!!! (reaches for the gun that's thankfully not there
anymore) THAT'S MY FUCKING [VAN]!!!
Rei: it's not stopping.
[Eyes swivel from the seething Major to the screen that shows the JA2
making for Tokyo-3 at full speed.]
John: It's heading for the elevators! You two, come with me!
[Ignoring the possibility of protest, John grabs Rei and Shinji in a big
one-armed hug and uses his other hand to touch two fingers to his
forehead. Then he and the pilots are gone.]
Ritsuko: (strange hand gesture) Your car will be okay.
Misato: MY CAR IS RUINED!!!
Ritsuko: (worried; another gesture) Your car will be fixed.
Misato: (looking right at the doctor) You're damn right it'll be
fixed... (points at the JA2 staff at the far end of the conference hall)
with the bones of those fools!!!
----------
[In a cramped underground maintenance station, three figures appear. Rei
and Shinji look dazed. John has a "I'm a Space Marine" air about him.]
John: Shinji, get in, use the manual close and wait for James to launch
you. All three of us will come out at the same time and start with
ranged weapons.
[Shinji looks confused, but nods firmly, climbing the access ladder to
the open plug of Unit-01.]
----------
[In the Narusegawa mountain pass, three Eva elevators rise to the
surface and open their gargantuan doors, disgorging their cargo. The
Three Evas, the reflective Unit-03 with Rei at the helm, the purple
Unit-01, and the newly-restored urban camouflage with reflective limbs
of Unit-05 visible between the conifers. Up the long mountain road, a
figure of bright red and whites, looking similar to the original Jet
Alone, stalks towards the Evas as if they aren't there at all.]
John: (thinking) The foreboding feeling hasn't gone away... (out loud;
to the other Evas) FIRE!
Misato: (over comm.) STOP!
[Unit-03 gets off a single shot at the JA2, which misses by mere feet.
Unit-01 lets off a few rounds in surprise, all of which go into the air.
John simply pauses.]
John: Excuse me?
Misato: Nuclear reactor, remember?
John: ("well DUH" tone) Yes. And bullets don't make them blow up.
Misato: Hit too many coolant lines and it will.
John: Shit...SHIT. Wait, do you want us to beat it up
because it trashed your ride?
Misato: No... (amazed voice) actually that beast is just fine. They'll
have to pull it out the asphalt with a crane though. Anyway, there's too
many people in the area leading from here to Tokyo-3, lots of houses and
people there, too many exposed shelters. Either disable the Jet Alone
MkII without putting holes in it, or force it into a more open area. Got
that?
John: (smirks) Got it. James, get Andy and Jared out here. Shinji, flank
to my right, Rei, stay back and to the left. Let's rock and roll, kids!
----------
[Jared and Andy stand a dozen meters apart, Jared a foot off the ground.
As the middle choral of "Duel of the Fates" rounds off, Jared drops to
the ground.]
Jared: (smirking) Okay, you get to start the trash-talking.
Andy: (ecstatic) Very well, villain! You shall now see my true form!
Jared: "Now" as in right now, or "now" as in DBZ Time?
Andy: Just to make you feel a little better, about-to-be-demolished
weakling, we'll do this in DBZ Time! GET YOUR SLEEPING BAGS, KIDDIES,
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FOR ONE LUDICROUSLY LONG POWER-UP!!!
[Andy assumes the stance. A little timer appears on the ground next to
him, reading "176h, 26m, 15s" complete with a caption that reads
"Ludicrously Long Power-up Timer(tm)."]
[They fight. Eventually, Jared winds up face-down on the ground.]
Andy: What was that? You call that fighting?
Jared: rrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRR.....
Andy: (taunting) Oooh...look at the little pervert! He's real angry!
Oh! I better run and hide!
Jared: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Andy: (still taunting) Look at this cute widdle aura! (smile starts to
falter) He looks so...so...oh shit.
[The Jared thing rises slowly from the ground, his irises glowing red.
An enormous red aura blows about him like a storm, whipping his already
frazzled hair into a frenzy. Andy reaches deep down inside himself and
finds the courage to run in the opposite direction while screaming like
a little girl. After two city blocks of this, however, the thing that
may or may not be Jared Instant Transmissions in front of him and he
bounces off of its chest like a ping-pong ball.]
Super Eichijin-Jared: (snarling) You shall not escape...MY WRATH!!!
Andy: (from the ground; indignant) That's my line!
[SEJ-Jared's Storm of Perversion reaches its crescendo (sorry, couldn't
resist), then seems to explode, bathing the entire area in a sudden wash
of passion. Worried, Andy promptly transforms into his Super Chibijin
form, his aura of cute protecting him from the strange wind of
perversion blows out from its source.]
[Quite suddenly, the perversion is gone, evaporating as if it never was.
SCJ-Andy stands alone in the street, staring intently into the cloud of
dust where SEJ-Jared--or whatever he has become--should be.]
SCJ-Andy: Hel...Hello?
[A dramatic wind abruptly blows the dust away. "Jared" stands in the
ruined street, a patient, serene expression on his face. He is now
inexplicably dressed not unlike the Psycho Sensei but with a purple top
instead of gray. A nodachi rests at his side, and not a hair upon his
head is out of place.]
Jared?: Good afternoon. You must be the diminished form of comrade cum
adversary, Andrew G--
SCJ-Andy: Don't say it!
Jared?: < 0_0 > Oro? Say what? Andrew G--
SCJ-Andy: NO!
[SCJ-Andy rushes the figure for a leg sweep, which the "new" Jared deals
with by simply raising the targeted leg for a second. The smaller
fighter then hurls a barrage of punches through the air, beating the
stuff out of the atmosphere. "Jared" is spared from harm by holding the
chibi being at bay with one hand on top of the tiny fighter's head.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely indignant) Take your punishment like a man!
Jared?: When it is my place to do so, I shall. I am a man of my word--
SCJ-Andy: Yeah, a man perverted beyond belief!
[SCJ-Andy Tokyo Shuffles up to head height and flings a roundhouse kick
at Jared's head, which he dodges by leaning back slightly.]
Jared?: Ah yes, small one. Surely you speak of the mask placed upon this
mind to protect the future from ruin.
SCJ-Andy: What are you smoking?!
["Jared" sniffs the air with the smallest of formal frowns.]
Jared?: (confused) Oro? I smell nothing aflame.
[Andy attacks. They fight.]
Andy: What have you done now Waddell?!
Jared?: Oro? (thinks about this for a second) I took my power to the
maximum level I was able to achieve in my other form. This...current
manifestation, including my mode of dress, seems to be an...
unanticipated side effect.
Andy: So...you're an honorable fighter...Giri-jin?
Super Girijin-Jared: If you insist.
Andy: (shrugs) ENERGY DAN!
[You know what happens here. The part where a lot of shit blows up
closely follows a certain part of the DBZ script...]
SGJ-Jared: HITEN-WADDELL SCHOOL BLADE STORM ATTACK!
[In a blur of metal, Jared deflects the entire flurry of ki blasts into
the surrounding buildings. Andy rests his jaw on the street.]
Andy: Uaaaaaggghhh...so cool... (indignant) That's cheating!
SGJ-Jared: Oro? You are the one who asked for this fight, Mucha.
Andy: (smirks) Ha! Demon Finger's Cutting Lance!
[Andy sweeps his arm to the side as if drawing back a curtain. A beam of
ki lances out from his extended index finger, cutting apart a nearby
apartment building like a hot knife through warm butter.]
SGJ-Jared: Dragon Climbs to Heaven Slash!
[Drawing his sword, Jared neatly slices falling building in two. One
half passes him on the left, the other half passes him on the right.]
[CRASH! Instant dust cloud.]
Andy: (arms folded over his chest) Hah! He must be dead! No one could
survive that much dust!
SGJ-Jared: (from within the haze) Oro?
Andy: (palm to forehead) Great. He's an even BIGGER idiot now!
[Powering up, Andy is suddenly less than a meter tall.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely distressed) I've really gotta figure out how to keep
this from happening in a fight. I need... (Dramatic Pause) to power
SIDEWAYS!
[He quickly pulls himself out of the chibi form, only to see a figure
appearing from the dust cloud, followed by a dramatic breeze. The NERV
Orchestra starts some theme from an old samurai flick, the sound piped
to the combatants via conveniently placed speakers.]
SGJ-Jared: Are you prepared to finish this farce?
Andy: I wish to be done with both you _and_ this farce, Waddell! Change
back right this instant so I can beat you up and feel good about it!
SGJ-Jared: Oro?
Andy: QUIT SAYING THAT! And what's with the sword, anyway?! I thought
you weren't going to use weapons in this fight!
SGJ-Jared: (unsheathes the sword) My honored opponent, this is a
reverse-bladed sword. I cannot cut or kill you with it, except by
dramatically altering its use. Besides, I have cast aside the shackles
of a murderer and vowed I will never kill again. This sword is proof of
that pact.
[The trash-talking goes on for quite some time, as the orchestra
switches from samurai flick music to Star Trek (original) fight music.
The fighters begin circling one another, and when the trash-talk finally
comes to a close, clash.]
[A few seconds later, Andy lands with a confused and disappointed look
on his face, which changes to rage as a long gash appears in his shirt.]
Andy: You...ASSHOLE! That was my favorite shirt!
[Still facing away from Andy, Jared returns to normal.]
Jared: (nasty voice) What are you gonna do about it, huh?
[While Andy snarls, a few random citizens make for their shelters,
leaving the streets deserted.]
[They fight. Eventually they come to a stop, having accumulated even
more injuries. A dozen paces apart, the stare-down commences.]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
[A hand twitches. Feet leave the ground. Aura flare. Fists clash.]
Jared & Andy: (sim.) Jan! Ken! Pon!
Andy: (notes his rock to Jared's scissors) Winna!
Jared: Crap!
[Andy socks Jared in the face. The younger Goon sails through the glass
doors of a hotel lobby. Instead of pursuit, however, Andy opts to
power...up?]
Andy: (assumes stance of Indian priest; grunts and strains) Hrrnnng...
[But there's no flat-out increase in power...]
Jared: (from the lobby) Time's up!
[Jared comes dashing out at full speed. They fight across the street for
a second, getting in some good hits, then Jared pulls back, rubbing his
shoulder.]
Andy: (imperiously) Fool, have you learned nothing of my power?
Jared: (derisive) You've learned nothing!
Andy: I've learned your defeat is inevitable.
Jared: (screams in rage) I'll show you what I learned! You wanna know?!
YOU WANNA KNOW?!!
[Jared executes a dozen flawless back hand-springs, coming to rest near
a pile of bodies--the soldiers from earlier. In a flash he's holding
twin MP5's.]
Andy: < 0_0 > Oh shi--
[And with a face showing only grim determination, the shorter Goon
begins firing at Andy. The taller Goon puts up a ki shield to deflect
the bullets, but knowing this is a stalemate anyway, waits until Jared
pauses to fire a return ki blast. Jared dodges, then begins running up
the remains of the rail platform, firing back. Andy ducks behind a pile
of rubble to use it as cover.]
Andy: (thinking) There's something weird going on with our power levels.
Just how much more powerful than Jared am I?
[He's spared more of this thinking stuff as Jared tries to erase the
rubble with his bullets.]
Jared: You can run but you can't hide!
[Following Jared's...suggestion, Andy pulls out from the cover and
fires a string of ki blasts at Jared to distract him while running down
the road. Jared returns fire likewise from the monorail--which Andy's ki
blasts are rapidly destroying right behind him.]
[After a dozen blocks of this, Andy literally trips over the body of
JSSDF soldier. Three more swarm him from out of nowhere, while Jared
callously picks off the rest with his guns before they run dry. Andy
finishes off his attackers, then stands in mute shock, staring at the
massive armored truck he almost ran into.]
[Jared drops from the monorail as easily as a child hopping off a swing
and begins walking towards Andy--not charging, not running, not even
preparing to attack, just walking.]
Andy: There must be... (swipes a pair of handguns from the soldiers)
Yes!
[Andy spins around to see Jared having the same idea. Four pistols are
raised in perfect coordination and ammo loosed. The two dodge, spin,
dive and weave about the wreckage, around the truck and other vehicles,
pillars, doors, etc. in perfect harmony. In full John Woo style, they
quickly find themselves entering a church and dodging behind pews while
shattering beautiful stained glass windows and pitting stone walls.]
Andy: (pauses to reload behind a pew) Nice church.
Jared: (also pauses to reload behind a pew) Beautiful. How come it's
here in Tokyo-3?
Andy: I'm guessing the Christains made it okay.
Jared: Nah...must be a modern artifact, post-World War II influence.
Andy: (finds he only has enough ammo for one pistol) If you insist.
Jared: (also has ammo for only one pistol) I insist.
[And both stand, guns drawn...]
----------
[At the field of battle, John is shouting orders almost on instinct,
with no room for confusion or doubt.]
John: Tear off it's arms and legs, but stay out of it's reach!
[Unit-01 and 03 sprint towards the robot, the pounding of giant armored
feet like rolling thunder. Shinji goes high with a powerful but well-
guarded flying kick that misses completely. Rei fakes a punch then ducks
for a running elbow at the last second. The JA2 whips out an arm and
clotheslines the Eva passing smoothly. However, it isn't on sturdy
footing and the robot topples backward. Shinji leaps into the air again
and dives right for the JA2. Even as the (apparently very advanced)
combat program moves it's arms to intercept Shinji, Rei grabs one in a
death-grip that leaves the JA2 only partially guarded.]
[Bio-mecha hits mecha like a plane crash, the force of the impact
causing trees three kilometers away to sway and shudder. One can almost
_see_ the shock wave ripping through the ground at super-sonic speeds.
Armored plates buckle and shatter, but the JA2 flings Shinji off anyway,
unfeeling and unforgiving. Rei rolls away as John comes within range,
dropping into an unusual fighting stance that would look familiar if I
had written that far in Chronicles of War.]
Rei: there is lightning on the horizon, genoni-oniisan?
John: Either rain is coming in or Jared is plugging other stories again.
Rei: plugging?
John: < o_o; > Never mind. You okay?
Rei: i am undamaged.
John: Thank God.
[John closes the gap with the JA2, interrupting it's lazy walk with a
kick to the shin. He's immediately forced back a dozen paces by a flurry
of punches that are barely blocked. The back-fist that finishes the
combo is allowed to fly clear though, as John smoothly spins around and
applies an Aikido throw against the JA2, snapping the wrist of the mecha
but doing little else.]
John: < -_- > It doesn't feel pain.
[But John does, for after JA2's next punch flattens the face of Unit-05,
John groans in a most displeased way.]
John: Misato!
Misato: (over comm.) Yes Genoni?
John: What I am being paid to take this abuse?
Misato: (over comm.) I'll call the accounting department and get back to
you. Fight on, soldier!
John: (mumbling to himself as he pulls Unit-05 to its feet) Fight!
Fight! Fight! Win! Win! Win! Rah! Rah! Rah!
[Through the view screen within Unit-05, John watches Unit-01 delivers a
string of kicks which are blocked, then falls to a potent dragon sweep.]
John: I just wanna kill this thing... (into comm.) Rei! Shinji! Regroup!
We're going to attack it simultaneously!
[The two Evas respond to John's summons. The Goons notes that once
they're out of hand-to-hand range, the JA2 simply ignores them and
begins plodding for Tokyo-3 again.]
John: (thinking) It's headed for the city! (out loud) GO GETTER!!!
[Shinji sends a startled look John's way, but all three Evangelions rise
to the call of duty, charging the JA2 like vengeful demons. John, in the
middle, pulls back at the last seconds to dodge a quick swipe at his
afterimage. Rei and Shinji dodge around opposite sides of the robot,
just out of striking range. The robot picks Rei, and as soon as it makes
for her, the boys close the gap, dodging the defensive strikes sent
their way. Both hammer the JA2's back mercilessly before it sidesteps
their attack, pulls away from Rei, and slams a kick into Unit-01 as a
parting shot. Shinji stops the stumbling Eva, then roars like a wild
animal, dropping into a low Caopreia stance.]
[John adopts a Pa'gua stance and Rei pulls up behind them, Unit-03's
armored fists held up like a boxer. Shinji opens with a string of
powerful windmill kicks that roll away to the right, kicking debris in
the JA2's face. John moves to the left, Unit-05's palms blurring through
the air to deflect and distract. This time the attack is so tight and
coordinated that the JA2 is simply overwhelmed and it knocked back a
hundred yards by a string of attacks from Rei.]
James: (over comm.) John, the other Evas are cold-starting now. ETA is
41 seconds.
John: Great. Anything on the long-range sensors?
James: (over comm.) This isn't Star Trek, but no. Your "friends" are
shooting up a good portion of downtown though.
John: Bastards! I'm _missing_ it! Oh yeah, tell them to get into their
Evas and get out here!
James: (over comm.) No can do. They've already knocked out most of the
sensors and all communications devices, and their Mini-MAGI are back
your place.
John: (attacking again) Any good news?
James: (over comm.) I've pulled apart a copy of the combat system
Mishima Heavy Industries wrote for this beast. Your last attacks look
like the key, but watch out, it has divided arm joints and four prog
knives.
[John pauses to look at the robot.]
Shinji: (on the other side, offering gamely) Your move.
[Through the view screen, the JA2 halts as if it has just crossed an
invisible line. It faces the other Evas silently for a second, then
reaches into a tiny set of guards under its arms and pulls a set of
progressive knives loose, two per hand. Since imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery, the arms then split apart at the elbows, then at the
hands, and the progressive knives activate one at at time, the quad
humming shaking the very ground as JA2 stands ready for their attack.]
John: Oh... fuck.
[Nicely put.]
----------
[Tokyo-3. Andy and Jared stand in the middle of the deserted street,
guns resting at their sides, smoke issuing from the barrels. Both have
stunned looks plastered all over their bruised mugs.]
Jared: ... That was...so COOL! (drops gun to gesticulate wildly) How did
you DO that, with the zing! Woo-pah! Bang! Pow!
Andy: (drops gun; manic gestures) And that thing you did with wham!
Smack! Bang! Plunk! Zing!
Jared: (spazzing out) And then the--
Andy: (building up) --yeah, yeah, and the--
Jared & Andy: (sim.) --that was AMAZING!
[Grinning wildly, the two charge at one another, clashing and sending
out shock waves marked by the dust being blown off the road surface. The
battle, both furious and picturesque, quickly moves into a skyscraper,
then to the roof of the skyscraper, then leaps from rooftop to rooftop
across the Tokyo-3 skyline until the Goons land on a frighteningly
accurate copy of the original Tokyo Tower. By the time the camera
catches up with them, they're wearing boy's school uniforms with price
tags still attached to the sleeves, and wielding HUGE swords.]
[It's been a LONG time since I've seen "X," but I'll give it a try. Dark
clouds swirl above, golden lightning touching the city here and there.
Rose petals the color of blood flow around the fighters, so thick they
can barely see.]
Jared: (struggling to see through the rose petals) What...the...fuck?
Andy: (swiping at the petals with his sword to no avail) The special
effects...they've gone crazy! Help me stop this sani--I mean insanity!
[The rose petals begin to fade. After a moment, they are gone, leaving
the roof of the observation platform colored crimson.]
Andy: Jared? Hey, where are you?
Voice: Andy...I am...your mother...
Andy: Mom?
Voice: Andy...you must go to Tokyo-3.
Andy: < -_- > ... I'm _in_ Tokyo-3, mom.
Voice: Andy...now you must...
[The camera pans around to face Andy head-on and with that we see Jared
crouched on a beam directly behind and above him, imitating the voice of
the other Goon's mother.]
Andy: < -_- > Must what?
Jared: ...DIE! (drops and swings)
Andy: (blocking and narrowing his eyes as the clashing swords shower him
in sparks) Lame, dude. Very lame.
Jared: (still hanging in the air, sword crossed with Andy's) Well, I've
always wanted to do that.
[Andy snarls and swipes at the smaller Goon, who back-flips out of the
way, and thanks to his location, leaps right off the observation
platform. Andy follows without pause.]
Jared: (as he lands and swings with both hands) VACUUM BLADE FORCE
ATTACK!
Andy: Shit!
[Andy just barely dodges to the side, in mid-air no less, as a
paper-thin wave of something shoots by him. Curious, he looks over his
shoulder to see a line of dust flake off the building behind him where
the "blade" hit.]
Andy: Hm... (swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!
[Jared dodges the return shot.]
Jared: (smirks; swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!
Andy: (quickly; swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!
[The two waves issue at different angles, fly through the air. Both
Goons smirk as the waves get closer, closer...The Goons brace themselves
for a new type of explosion, then the blades pass harmlessly through one
another without slowing or changing direction.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
[Both Goons dodge this time too, but find that the clothing on their
extremities is torn.]
Andy: What is that?
Jared: Something like a Ranma 1/2 technique I saw once.
[Both suddenly launch new waves with reckless abandon. Within a few
minutes, a huge dust cloud has formed, though only parts of a few
buildings have collapsed.]
[Near one such building, Jared lands amidst the dust cloud, and is
forced to pause. Nerves taunt as piano wire, he stands still as a
statue, listening, looking for his enemy.]
[The entire area is silent. Wispy gray and brown clouds of dust slowly
settle around Jared like a falling mist. And he waits.]
[Then a piece of concrete the size of a potato falls from the building
he's standing front of. The rock explodes into two neatly bisected
halves that fly apart before Jared even lands on the ground, a
half-block away, sword drawn and held at his side after executing a
powerful slash.]
Jared: ... (thinking) Calm down Jared. You'll never see him coming if
you're this tense.
[Again, the wait begins. Jared's vision pans from left to right.
Building...building...building...fence...alley with enough room for
perhaps a Cooper Mini to fit through...and another building. He's
standing in a large open plaza. A space that's occupied by concrete, a
few benches and a car parked in a single stall near one corner of the
closed square. A car with a chrome bumper. With something _moving_ in
the reflection in the bumper...]
Jared: (eyes widen; spins and slashes) HA!
[Jared's massive sword shatters another hunk of concrete, this one
clinging to a metal pole that's coming at Jared's head and is held by
Andy. The force of shattering the concrete finally knocks the sword out
of Jared's hands. The smaller Goon leaps away to eye Andy critically.]
Jared: (thinking) What a sneak-attack!
[Instead of pressing the attack, Andy stops and works his way through an
elaborate staff kata. Jared gets to his feet, assumes a stance, and
begins powering up.]
Jared: SUPER ULTIMATE MEGA BEYOND INSANITY TURBO OVERKILL MIND-EXPANDING
ULTIMATE FINAL TRI-FORM TECHNIQUE TIMES PI!!!
[Andy finishes his kata with a single half-spin and stops ready to
fight, facing...100 Jareds. All have shed the black high school uniform.
Instead, curiously, all of them are clad in a black suits, black ties,
italian shoes, sunglasses, and are all fitted with identical ear
communicators. In short, they're all dressed exactly like Agent Smith
from those movies...you know, the ones with the action, the fighting,
and no plot?]
[You know, the ones just like _this_ story?]
[The Jared at the front looks around the courtyard theatrically.]
Jared 1: (flawless Agent Smith Mode) Well, well, well. What have we
here? (looks at himself) Why it's--
Jared 2: (also flawless Agent Smith Mode) Me.
Jared 1: (cold smile) Me too. (points at several more of his forms)
Me...me...me... (as the forms slowly surround Andy) Interesting. It
appears that I am everywhere, Mr. Mucha...
[Uh...yeah. This is stupidity is going to take us nowhere for a while.
We'll get come back when it becomes interesting.]
----------
[Unit-01 and 03 pull back, giving John and the metal beast room. The
JA2's arms are moving in a complex defensive pattern, the glowing
progressive knife blades flying through the air in a blur. John drops
Unit-05 into a knife-fighting stance and takes out his own progressive
knife. Considering the Eva's arms are difficult to see and surely John's
picked up some mad knife skillz from Jared, this may actually be an even
fight.]
[The JA2 begins a slow march towards Unit-05, intent on slicing the Eva
into ribbons without expending any further computational power on the
fight. Then the knives come to a stop against an AT-Field.]
John: GOTCHA!!!
[Even as JA2 tries to cut through the field, John angles a thrusting
charge at the robot while dropping the AT-Field. The JA2's knives all
slice harmlessly through air while John's blade neatly severs one hand
by penetrating the middle of the wrist and twisting violently. Then John
jumps back and assumes his stance again. The JA2 considers the missing
knife, then resumes the attack with a different defensive pattern.]
John: (to the arriving Evas) Stay back!
[Unit-02, 04, and 07 come to a halt a decent distance from the knife
fight. 02 is holding a pair of weapons resembling nagita, while 04 has a
classical katana and 07 holds a large frame that has three progressive
knives held in it.]
Toji: Shinji, what's going on?
Misato: (over comm to all of the Eva pilots) Cut the chatter, 07.
Support John with running attacks to keep the JA2 from overwhelming 05.
Toji: I'm just wondering why John hasn't blasted it yet.
Misato: (over comm; sighs) The Jet Alone MkII is powered by an on-board
nuclear reactor. Projectile weapons that the Evangelions are equipped
with will detonate it, ki blasts carry equal danger, and this area is
heavily populated. You'll need to disable it's combat capabilities
without damaging the reactor.
Asuka: (snorts; sarcastic) Right. That's going to be easy.
[The three new Evas pull out their progressive knives. Now surrounded by
six bio-mechanical weapons of war, the JA2 finally gives pause before
resuming it's assault on Unit-05. A flurry of knife attacks is thrown
upon the JA2 with righteous fury. Barely defending itself, the JA2
resorts to kicks to keep the swarming Evas at bay, even as it looses
another hand to John's skilled attacks.]
John: We have it!
[The JA2 ignores the battle cry and leaps into the sky, clearing the
group and landing on the ground a full 200m closer to Tokyo-3, and right
in the middle of some strange-looking fog. Instantly the robot jerks to
a halt and something resembling tar condenses over its entire surface.]
John: (exhultant) Hah! It's immobilized! That's brilliant! That's
incredible! (exhultation changes to confusion) That's...really
weird-lookin' shit. Who fired that? Do Andy and Jared have a tar-
lunching gun I'm not aware of? I don't see a catapult out there...
Misato: (over comm.) Nobody, launched anything. We didn't--
[Alarms wail.]
James: (over all comm. systems) Blue pattern confirmed. Coding Jet Alone
MkII as 13th Angel. Evangelions, commence attack.
John: (The world is against me!) ...
Misato: (Why God...WHY?!!) ...
James: (over all comm. systems) I'm trying to save some time here! MOVE!
[John blinks, then blinks again as the Angel mimicks a living oil slick
and becomes one with the Jet Alone.]
John: (managing a spit-take in LCL) What the-- (turns on the exterior
speakers and their amplifier system) You! Quit stepping on those people!
Get away from that building! No! No, you idiot! Emote! Emote!
[Misato and Ritsuko stare open-mouthed at the battlefield.]
John: (lamely, as he turns off the external speakers) Worth a try.
[The Angel leaps again, this time landing on the back of Unit-01. The
severed arms sprout a dozen tentacles each, which rapidly wind their way
around Unit-01 like a spider wrapping up its prey.]
Asuka: Shinji!
Misato: (over comm.) Get that thing off of him!
John: (getting out the Predator claws) Fuck this.
[Unit-03 charges the Angel, hitting the JA2 chassis like a linebacker.
Unit-01 rocks on it's feet and nearly falls over, but the Angel is
hardly dislodged. It grabs Unit-03 and attempts to use it as a shield
against John, but the Goon and his Eva are too fast and jump clean over
the struggling trio, raking the massive claws extending from its wrist
down the Angel's side, splitting open the armor on one of the arms. A
black "liquid" begins to flow out of the wound, freezes for a second as
it hits the air, then forms tentacles and begins flying towards John.]
[Raising Unit-05's arm instinctively, John uses his blades to slice
apart the tentacles--Turbo Ginsu(tm) style. They pull back for a
split-second, then glint in the sunlight and charge again, this strike
eliciting a metallic ring as they hit the blocking blades.]
John: (slight English accent) Clever girl...
[Unit-05 rolls out of the way while Unit-03 jumps aside another strike
of the metal-hard tentacles coming from one free arm. Interestingly, the
robotic hand is attached to the tentacles rather than directly to the
robot's arm like it should be.]
[Unit-01 roars, tearing half of the tentacles away and taking a step
forward.]
Shinji: DIIIEEE!!!
[Against standing orders, John draws his backup pistol. Asuka tosses one
of her nagita to Shinji and charges the Angel head-on with Kensuke and
Toji flanking her. John lets a round go over the Angel's head,
distracting it while Shinji starts swinging at the tentacles binding his
Evangelion.]
[What is this? "Brother?!"]
[I'm okay. I'm okay...Start by picturing a blender. It's not on yet.
Count the blades. Six? Eight? Good. Now double them. Double them again.
Now picture the blender itself doubling in size. Now replace that wimpy
plastic base with a large turbojet connected directly to the blades. Add
one gallon midnight-black motor oil and ten pounds of metal scrap and
hit the Start button.]
[Take the lid off and imagine this chaos in Eva proportions.]
Asuka: Holy--
[Unit-02 is pushed back blocking a stream of overhead attacks that chip
away pieces of the blade on her progressive nagita. Ducking and spinning
behind Kensuke, who thankfully misses the brunt of the Angel's attack
and stands fast using his katana to defend himself. Asuka tightens the
spin , bringing her nagita around in a powerful arc to gather speed and
moves into a crouch under the right arm of Unit-04. The nagita's blade
flies into the Angel's side with a satisfying CRUNCH!]
Asuka: (as drops of blood obscure her view) YES!!! Take that!
John: (over comm.) 04 is down! Asuka, catch him!
[Her next victory shout catching in her throat, Asuka looks up to see
that the crimson streaks on her visual sensors are from the blood
spraying from a deep cut in Unit-04's right shoulder--the attack that
left the mark would have sliced Unit-02's head in two had Kensuke not
stood defiantly in its path. Asuka's eyes widen as she takes in the
damage. At the same time, the two limbs Kensuke was just fighting have
pulled back and formed into one massive battering-ram of an arm that is
flying towards the exposed head of his Eva at two hundred miles per
hour.]
[Acting without conscious thought (a relatively common activity for
Asuka), she shoves at the bleeding arm with her Eva's left hand,
rotating the Unit-04's head and upper body away from the coming blow.
Her right hand lets the nagita fall free--the long weapon is useless at
this range--and grabs the katana dropped by Unit-04 with her right hand,
bringing it up with every ounce of strength 02 can muster. As the blade
nears the vertical, Unit-02's left hand closes around the handle, adding
more power behind the blade. Just as the sword blade becomes perfectly
vertical, the Angel's freakish half machine, half something else
super-fist slams into the blade, rattling Asuka's bones as the impact
vibrations travel through her Evangelion.]
Asuka: (looking up in disbelief) No way...
[Yes way. The Angel's fist is completely undamaged by the blow.]
Asuka: (rolling back) We're screwed!
[As if to punctuate this statement, Unit-07 goes sailing over Asuka and
skips over a hundred or so small trees, a few houses, and a parked sail
boat before flattening a trio of cabins next to one of the small lakes
near Tokyo-3.]
[Unit-05 and 03, moving with exceptional coordination, slam the Angel
between a pair of attacks, cracking more of the JA2 armor, but the Angel
is only slightly deformed and extremely pissed off as a result.]
----------
[We're back to the 100 Jareds and Andy armed with a staff.]
Andy: (applauding) That...was the COOLEST speech I've ever heard! Have
you been practicing that for very long?
Jared #1: Being the geek I am, the voice came naturally. The speech,
yes, took weeks of practice to master. (assumes kung-fu stance; other 99
Jareds do likewise) Ready to face your doom?
[The two clash, in a rudimentary copy of the scene they're ripping off.
Andy fights with less flourish but more viciousness than in said films,
however. Eventually, he finally gets dog-piled as the Jareds bring their
numbers to bear.]
Andy: (from under the Jareds) That's IT!!!
[The Jareds are blown away by a powerful aura and Andy leaps out, lands
at one end of the courtyard, throwing a "come hither" gesture at his
opponents.]
Jared #1: (charging) RAAAGH!
[They fight some more, this time Andy just matching the attacks of the
Jareds to avoid being overwhelmed. After a few minutes, some of the
Jareds begin merging. One by one, they slowly re-form into one person.]
Jared: Pretty good, dude. You were almost fighting there for a moment.
Andy: (winded, but not done) Feh.
Jared: Ever hear of a technique called "rope-a-dope?"
Andy: As much as you can hide it, you've exhausted yourself too.
Jared: (shrugs) If you insist.
[Andy flies into the air, and then into Jared's foot. You can hear the
impact miles away.]
Jared: (disappearing with another red aura) Kaioken!
[Then Andy suddenly kicks at thin air, his boot impacting on Jared's
chin half-way through the move.]
Andy: Hah! That'll stop your stupid Kaioken! (red aura) KAIOKEN!
[Andy is a little surprised when Jared suddenly uses the flip-kick on
him, but he's even more surprised to find that he's suddenly too dizzy
to do much fighting and drifts away from the pervert.]
Jared: (yelling at the parked car while pointing at the sky) Fight like
a man!
Andy: (up-side down and unable to figure out where "up" should be) I'm
over here, dude.
Jared: (spinning around hopelessly and pointing at Mt. Fuji) Now who has
to use the Tri-Form Technique?!
Andy: (plummeting from the sky) Quit using the ground against me,
Waddell!
Jared: (attacking his own arm) I'm not!
[WHAM!]
[A cloud of dust signals Andy's friendly impact on planet earth.]
Jared: (almost able to point both eyes in the same direction) Uh-oh.
----------
[The Evangelions have pulled back and attack in pairs. Unit-07 is on its
feet, but Kensuke's plug is slowly filling with a crimson coloring that
the filters can't completely remove. Pleading that he is fine, he's back
in the battle, though a red stain is slowly spreading over his Eva's
armor.]
John: Damn it! (throws away his empty pistol) It just re-grows the arms
I'm shooting off!
Misato: (over comm.) Well, don't blast it. We still haven't moved
everyone out of that area.
John: (frowns deeply) There's another way. (snarls) And where the
fuck are Andy and Jared?!
James: You'll probably want to skin them alive. They're having a DBZ
moment back in town.
John: You're right, I do want to skin them alive.
Misato: (over comm.) There won't be anything left of Tokyo-3 by the time
they're done!
John: It could be worse. They could be trying to actually blow up the
world.
Ritsuko: (to John over comm.) That's impossible! They don't have their
Evas!
Misato: (to John over comm.) That's silly. You're silly.
----------
Andy: (blazing past Jared into the upper atmosphere) THIS PLANET IS
HISTORY!
[Eyes wide, Jared drops to the ground, his body suddenly giving off a
white glow.]
Jared: (eyes closed, begging, praying to...) Lend me the strength.
Please...lend me the strength.
Andy: (bright as the sun) GALLAT GUN FIRE!!!
[A ball of ki the size of a football stadium begins to descend from the
heavens. It isn't slow, but it isn't fast. It moves steadily, with the
kind of inevitability that reminds one of a tidal wave approaching a
sleepy shore-side village.]
[But Jared merely grins darkly at the challenge. He assumes the proper
stance, eyes unfocused, white and blue waves of ki flowing over his body
like living streams of pure light, slowly gathering in his cupped
hands.]
Jared: (slowly) KAMEHAME...
[The light suddenly solidifies within his hands, glowing with a buzzing
sound like a chainsaw under a pillow.]
Jared: (loudly, and quickly) HAAAAAAAAA!!!
[The two balls meet, trailing immense strands of ki that lead back to
their owners. Andy's Gallat Gun blast is white tinged with yellow while
Jared's Kamehameha wave is pearl tinged with blue. The two collide and
stop dead with a deafening explosion, both blasts held fast by the
opposing force.]
Andy: (snarling) KAIOKEN TIMES TWO!
Jared: (at the same time, and with some measure of worry) KAIOKEN TIMES
THREE!
[The combined blasts stay stubbornly in place for three very long
seconds, then pulse brilliantly and begin to slowly slide back towards
Andy.]
----------
[CLANG!]
John: God DAMN it, Shinji! What the FUCK are you doing here?! I said
flank west!
Shinji: (openly defiant) I am flanking west!
John: (pointing) But the sun is... (realizes everyone has TWO shadows)
what the... (seething; looks in the direction of the city) Those
bastards are having a beam battle while I'm--
[John's face clenches up, lined with rage. Unable to articulate his
frustration with words, he charges the 13th Angel, swinging madly at the
beast with his progressive knife. So ferocious is his attack that even
when the other Evangelions back off, the Angel is unable to move closer
to Tokyo-3.]
John: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Asuka: (a little shocked) Is he...is he okay?
Toji: (grits his teeth) He's got three arms down! Shinji!
Shinji: I'v got your back! Go for it!
[Unit-07 and 01 move into range, covering each other's back as they
weather a dozen attacking tentacles and four powerful half-mechanical
arms. Unit-03 takes up the charge too, standing within range of the long
tentacles and eliminating the Angel's maneuvering options.]
Asuka: (leaping into the air with a savage cackle) And I'll crush the
head!
[What's left of Unit-02's nagita comes out of the sky like a missile,
slamming into the Angel-transformed mechanical head of the JA2 like a
hammer coming down on a raw egg.]
Asuka: Take that, BITCH!
[In retaliation, an arc of electricity explodes out of the Angel, up the
nagita, through Unit-02 and into the very sky, dissipating into the
black clouds that have begun to gather above.]
Misato: (screaming over comm.) ASUKA!!!
[Unit-02 freezes in the air for a second, then topples like a building.
Slowly at first, oh so slowly, it begins to tip to one side, arms and
legs lifeless. By some miracle, the Angel pushes itself in the opposite
directly, suddenly free of assaulting Evas as the other fighters pull
back. Even as Unit-02's form is single crumpling onto the ground, it
begins it's single-minded march to Tokyo-3.]
Shinji: ASUKA! ASUKA!
Kensuke: (already standing over Unit-02) I've got her! I can't fight, I
just don't know enough. Go, Shinji!
Misato: (over comm.) Shi...Shinji, do it!
Shinji: But--
John: Get down here, Ace! Rei, flank--
[A blast of light temporarily blinds anyone unfortunate enough to be
looking in the direction of Tokyo-3.]
Shinji: What the--
John: (seeing stars) TODAY, Ace! Rei, get next to me.
Shinji: (sets himself; to Kensuke) Watch over her.
Kensuke: I will. (as Unit-01 runs towards the moving battle) What do I
do now?
Ritsuko: (over comm.) Flip the Eva over and open the hatch on the back.
Look for the small black triangle, that's the release.
Kensuke: (notices his hands shaking) Black triangle. Check.
----------
[Back where Andy is at, the clouds are being boiled out of the sky.
Waves of ions and chemicals forged in the furnace of his ki flow away
from the Goon, who has proverbially pegged out his energy manifestation.
Yet more remains. He feels it, knows it's there, but even as his arms
tremble and the feeling leaves his limbs, he can't--or won't--reach for
it.]
Andy: (just barely holding on) DAMN...YOU...
[Far below, however, cogs are locking firmly into place.]
Jared: (triumphantly) She was wearing RED underwear! (blinks) Oh yeah,
beam battle...
[Jared pulls one hand back, leaving the other arm locked at the elbow.
He's okay for the moment, but if Andy pushes any harder right now, he'll
be the one-armed wonder for the rest of his life. Slowly, he begins to
draw strands of ki out of the blast coming from his palm, separates
them, and gets them to slowly spin around one another. When they're
moving fast enough, he nods, and slams his free hand into the back of
his other hand with a yell.]
Jared: VORTEX APOCALYPSE!!!
[This time the sun is out-shone a dozen times over as the Gallat Gun and
Kamehameha wave detonate like a nuclear bomb. Jared weathers the storm
that washes the color from the scene. With any luck, he's dead.]
[We're not that lucky.]
[Meanwhile, Andy is thrown only God knows how many miles away...]
Andy: (receding into the distance at high speed) BOOM! WHEEEEEeeeeee...
[When the dust has only just begun to clear, Jared pokes his head out of
a pile of soft beds. Shaking his head, he climbs out of the pile.]
[A considerable distance away, Andy crawls off of a pile of soft
and--thanks to his arrival--unconscious Yakuza. He quickly appropriates
a black trench, a black suit, and some shades. Locking onto Jared's
unique energy signature, Andy flies directly towards him at top speed.
The mach cone formed in his wake picks up cars and debris, flinging them
about like a handful of marbles thrown down a rain gutter.]
[Then, unexpectedly, Andy's chin makes contact with the remains of a
tennis shoe that has a foot in it with a leg still attached. Crashing
into a building head-first at 400 mph, Andy misses the sight of Jared
landing easily on his feet from the sudden attack and turn to face
Andy's landing place.]
[The larger Goon bursts out of the side of the building with a full
triple somersault and lands on the ground a dozen feet in front of Jared
amidst a shower of concrete and steel.]
Andy: (bits of concrete sticking to his face) That was pretty cool.
Jared: Agreed. Ready to lose?
Andy: (charging) NEVER!
[They fight. Again. Eventually Jared gets Andy into a hold, then causes
electricity to course over and through his body. He drops the smoking
Goon to the ground with a smirk.]
Andy: (coughing) That was pretty cool.
Jared: (pointing) Dude, your hair is standing on end... (screaming in
rage) YOU PUSSY-ASSED IDIOT!
YOU PIECE OF
!!! You look like
Vegeta now!!! (fist to the heavens) When will my time come? And who will
I come as?!
[Andy attacks, but Jared deflects most all of what is sent at him.]
Andy: You God damn cheat!
Jared: Sore loser!
[The intensity goes up a notch, ending with the pair evenly locked,
trying to stare one-another down over their fists.]
Jared: You're learning.
Andy: You're dead meat.
[The fight resumes until Jared back-flips away and makes little pistol
shapes with his hands, and begins shooting ki "bullets" at Andy. The big
Goon stands his ground though, bending at the waist to dodge the
"shots," leaving after-images behind as he does so.]
[Jared stops shooting, looking scared. Then Andy raises one "gun" hand
and fires at Jared. Jared leans back at the knees, dodging the string of
"bullets" fired by Andy while the camera rotates around him in Bullet
Time(tm). Then Jared jumps back to his feet, one "pistol" at the ready.
The two charge at each other, firing and dodging before they jump into
the air and Bullet Time(tm) the rest of the "gun" fight, landing on the
ground with index fingers pointed at each other's heads.]
Jared: (grinning wildly) THAT ROCKED!
Andy: (grinning manically) THAT WAS AWESOME!
[Both Goons immediately jump to their feet and dash to and fro, firing
hundreds and hundreds of ki "bullets" into the area. Eventually Jared is
crouched behind a pile of concrete that's shot down to match his profile
so that any movement leaves him exposed. Andy's cover is shot out in the
shape of the Playboy bunny, infuriating the Goon who's holding a yoga
pose behind it to avoid being shot.]
Andy: Fucker!
Jared: (taking pictures of his handiwork) Hold on a second...
[Andy teleports right next to Jared, slaps his "gun" hand aside and
head-butts him.]
Jared: Was that supposed to hurt?
[Andy knees Jared in the stomach, drops a double-fist on the back of his
neck, and kicks him soccer-ball style into a parked mini-bus. The bus
bends ninety degrees about the middle, the sound of violently deforming
metal like a gunshot in the empty city.]
Jared: (stumbling out like a frat brother on beer #22) What...wuzzat
supposed to...wha...
[Andy lands a flying kick on the Goon, this time sending both him and
the bus sliding nearly a block down the road. Then he starts walking
toward it, slowly.]
Jared: KIYAAAAA!!!
[In flare of red light, the bus is blown apart and Jared charges Andy
with murder in his eyes. Andy meets the attack with a red aura of his
own.]
----------
[Time is running out. John dodges a few wild swings from the Angel, then
helps Shinji block a set of attacks from tentacles with razor-sharp
points on them. Bleeding holes in the armor of both Evas are a testament
to the power of these tentacles. Kensuke, out of his Eva and barely
alive, is sitting on the torn-up landscape with Asuka, who's only alive
thanks to the CPR Kensuke learned how to do only last week. The armor of
Unit-07 has been peeled off in several places, relegating Toji to
backup. While Unit-03 has proven insanely tough, as designed, the strain
of piloting the highly modified Eva is slowing Rei considerably. Shinji
and John are still able to fight, but are as slowing as well.]
Shinji: (over comm.) We're all going to die, aren't we?
John: I should have blasted it before Asuka got shocked. If I fire a ki
blast now, her and Kensuke are gonners.
Shinji: Then what now?
[The Angel, sensing the pause in its opponents, unleashes another burst
electricity from its tentacles. Oddly enough, John simply raises
Unit-05's arms and the electricity is drawn into points of blue light in
its hands. After the burst is gone, John shakes his head.]
Shinji: < 0_0 > ...
John: (quietly) Get back.
----------
[The clouds are now thick in the sky, forming an artificial night over
Tokyo-3. Jared and Andy battle back and forth desperately, clothes torn,
faces and bodies covered in bruises, scraps, scratches, and small cuts.
They clash here, there, kicking up dust as they fight with an
astonishing variety of moves that would simply crush any martial artists
with enough skill to actually block them.]
[They clash again in the middle of a battered street. Punches strike
flesh, and then they suddenly pull back, standing a half-dozen paces
away from one another. The smaller Goon pauses to rip away the torn
remains of his shirt. Giving Andy the Bruce Lee stare, he yells the
Bruce Lee yell.]
[Cue the slow motion.]
[Cue the kung-fu movie music.]
[Jared leaps at Andy, throwing a kick. Andy matches the move expertly,
and the two cross attacks in the air, passing one another, and land a
half-dozen paces apart. Still in slow motion, both turn to face one
another. Jared has a nasty gash across his cheek, and Andy's shirt is a
hopeless mass of rags tied about his torso. The kung-fu music rises and
falls. With slow-boiling fury, Andy tears away the rags so they won't
hinder his movement. All the while, the two stare at each other with
gazes of pure murder. Hate is thick in the hot, dusty air. The suitably
dramatic music builds to a crescendo, then goes suddenly silent.]
[Change to normal time.]
Jared: (powering up) WHOOOAAAA!!!
Andy: (powering up) HAAAAAAAA!!!
[The two quickly transform, but now both are bare-chested. This is
strange, since Jared's clothes change completely and he gains a long
sword in the process. Oh well. Each fighter now regards the other
patiently, calculating hundreds of possible attacks, formulating dozens
of strategies, getting pawed by a mob of screaming school girls that
come from out of nowhere, swarming the ultra-kawaii form of SCJ-Andy and
the ultra-bishonen SGJ-Jared.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely indignant) Let go of me! I have an evil pervert to
kill and a world to rule with an iron fist! A tiny fist, perhaps, but
still an iron one!!!
SGJ-Jared: Lady, please do not touch me there. Fair maiden, don't touch
that. Please, allow us space. (slightly raising his voice) It is
dangerous for you all to be here, that it is! There is a fight in
progress!
[The bravest warriors know when to cut and run. SGJ-Jared and SCJ-Andy
are usually dumb enough to overstay their welcome and try to take over
the world anyway, but this time they take the easy way out and make for
the hills, SCJ-Andy opting for a hilarious Tokyo shuffle exit and
SGJ-Jared achieving high speeds by executing a flawless samurai dash.]
[If only Japanese school girls didn't have the speed of a cheeta when
chasing down something "kawaii."]
SGJ-Jared: Faster, my honored, kawaii opponent, or they will surely
overtake us, that they will!
SCJ-Andy: (cutely panicked) De-transform, you idiot!!!
SGJ-Jared: (blinks) Good idea.
[He does so, then a crooked grin spreads across the normal Jared's face.
Still shirtless, he skids to halt, catching SCJ-Andy by the collar.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely struggling) Unhand me, you monster!
[As the school girl tsunami bears down upon them, Jared brings SCJ-Andy
up to his face, the smirk turning into something decidedly nasty.]
Jared: You'll do.
[Before SCJ-Andy can protest more, Jared holds him like a shield as the
girls bear down on them, hands outstretched.]
Jared: (flawless Tony Montana) Say hello to my little friend!
[...]
[...That is _so_ wrong.]
[Three blocks away, Jared hits the pavement face-first, bounces a few
times, then skids to a halt on his teeth.]
[A second later, Andy comes to a halt right next to him, his legs
sticking into the air like a deceased spider.]
Andy: < @_@ > ...
Jared: < @_@ > ...
Andy: < @_@ > ...
Jared: < @_@ > ... Let's never do that again.
Andy: < @_@ > ... Agreed, Waddell. Agreed.
[Jared's on his feet in the blink of an eye, smoothing his perfect hair,
flashing a brilliant white smile and looking 100% recovered.]
Jared: Ready?
[Andy also jumps to his feet, adjusts an imaginary tie as if he's not
even aware of being shirtless, and hurls a chunk of concrete at Jared.
Jared deflects the projectile, then gives chase.]
Andy: Ha-HA! Let's see if you can keep up!
[Andy dashes away, Jared hot on his heels. The larger goon bounces off
of some debris and takes to the air, where Jared meets him. The two
exchange kicks that should not possible in any sort of reality outside
of a computer. When they land, it is amidst a spray of blood. Jared
ignores the mess that used to be his nose, instead kicking Andy in the
ribs hard enough to elicit a snapping sound from the point of impact.]
[Andy counters instantly, his eyes almost not seeing Jared in his rage.
They battle back and forth for a few seconds before Andy gets a hold on
Jared's arm, folds it into a pain hold, and calmly pushes the limb to
and past its breaking point. Amazingly, Jared shoves Andy off and gives
the larger Goon an insane grin.]
Jared: (scary voice we've never heard before) More.
[They resume the fight, simply beating on one another now rather than
using any real skill. After a minute they're swinging at only air, and
after another minute, stop and really _look_ at each other. Both pant
breathlessly, barely conscious.]
Jared: (almost unintelligible) More tea, Susan?
Andy: (spits out some blood) Delighted.
----------
John: James, plan 44-Alpha.
[Without waiting for a word of confirmation, James acts. Through the
MAGI systems, he overrides the safeties on Unit-03, 01 and 07,
increasing the LCL pressure until the pilots are unconscious. Then he
shuts down every listening and recording device he can control. A
little-known weapon hidden in the city hums to life, causing a brief EMP
wave that temporarily disables anything he can't turn off remotely. And
lastly, at the heart of this hellish battlefield, before the 13th Angel,
his heart breaking and soul dying, John's ki raises a dust storm like
none seen before, to blot out any view of what happens next.]
[Then he removes his glasses.]
[And opens his eyes.]
[A few seconds later James quietly turns everything back on. Electronics
come back on-line throughout the city. And John's temporary sand storm
dissipates into nothingness.]
James: (over all comm. systems) Blue pattern clear. Standing down from
alert status. Contacting emergency personnel. Major, Doctor, Genoni,
have a nice day.
----------
Cost of Eva vs. 13th Angel Battle: 461,825,137,546,613,548 Yen.
----------
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[Seconds before, while all sensors in and about Tokyo-3 are out...]
[Uncaring and unheeding the battle taking place a dozen kilometers
outside of the now thoroughly-trashed city, Jared and Andy continue to
vie for dominance in the ruins of a once-proud metropolis. We rejoin our
subjects as Jared rolls onto his back, snags a kitchen sink from the
rubble nearby and flings it into Andy's head. The larger Goon staggers,
then grabs onto a pipe sticking out of some rubble to stabilize himself.
He yanks the pipe free with a grim look and hits Jared across the jaw
with it just as the younger Goon gets shakily to his feet.]
[From his new position, face to the ground, Jared waves one arm in the
air with a single finger extended.
Jared: (virtually intelligible) Cheat!
[Andy's reply is to use the pipe like a baseball bat, and break Jared's
extended finger with a quick swing. Jared rolls, gets to his feet, and
disarms Andy with such skill that his exhaustion momentarily ceases to
matter. Then he stops and waits for something while Andy grabs onto him
to stay upright.]
Jared: Any time now...
[Without meeting his opponent's eyes, Andy grabs Jared by the next and
slams his face into a convenient bit of concrete.]
Andy: Die! Die! DIE you sick fuck!
[The other goon's flailings are ignored as Andy makes face meet rock
again and again and again and again and again until Jared finally goes
limp. Then he does it a few dozen more times to make sure it's over.]
[He drops his target and regards the blood-soaked concrete and the mess
that used to be Jared.]
Andy: < @_@ > I am...the strongest of...all Saiyajins.
[Andy topples forward, pinning Jared's unconscious form to the ground
with his body.]
[In the distance, a living shadow rises up for just a second, peaking
out of a cloud of dust, seen by no-one, and is suddenly gone.]
[With an almost imperceptible hum, much of the city's sensors finally
come back on-line, as the sounds of combat both near and far, cease.]
----------
Cost of Andy vs. Jared Battle: 3,578,646,391,384,851 Yen.
----------
[Some hours later, at the sight of the finale to Jared and Andy's Stupid
Match of the Week. (Votes for fight of the month are being tallied in a
comparatively safe place--like Columbia.) Jared, John, Rei, Andy, Toji,
and Misato stand next to a building spider-webbed with cracks. The many
steps of picking up after an Eva vs. Angel battle have barely begun, but
the Major and the Goon have taken time off of their suddenly busy
schedules to get to the center of (what's left of) town for two
reasons.]
[Two reasons which have finally woken up, been briefed and debriefed,
then chewed out and were now asking when they could start round two.]
Misato: (trying to wring Jared's neck) You've already wrecked the whole
city!!!
Jared: (grinning inanely now that he's close to Misato again) The whole
city?
John: Yes! The _whole_ city!
[Jared, ignoring what little common sense people think he has, breaks
Misato's grip, walks up to a nearby building, and raps his bloody
knuckles against it.]
Jared: See? Sound as--
[With an ominous groan, the building gives way.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
[Jared stumbles back and turns around in time to see it crash into the
incomplete concrete wall of the mall behind them. Naturally, the wall
_was_ high enough to topple across a torn-up street and destabilize the
skeletal frame of an office building, which virtually explodes in four
different directions.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
[Things carry on like this for the better part of an hour, as incomplete
and damaged buildings topple in domino fashion, until more or less all
the parts of Tokyo-3 that _weren't_ wrecked hours ago, _are_ wrecked
now.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Misato: (head in hands) I was just going to tell you...every building
has been compromised. We _knew_ this would happen! That's why the repair
crews were out here!!!
Andy: < 0_0 > That was stupid, but extremely cool.
John: < ._. > I'm inclined to agree, but Jared...
Jared: < 0_0; > Yes?
John: < ._. > I'm going to kill you now.
Jared: < 0_0;;; > Fair enough.
----------
Cost of Leveling Tokyo-3: 896,215,739,693,415 Yen.
----------
[Jared lays in the standard hospital bed, twitching in his full-body
cast which leaves him about as mobile as a rock. The room around him is
decorated to his tastes, a not-so-subtle testament to the frequency and
duration of his stays. Shag carpeting stretches from wall to wall, lava
lamps adorn the corners, a groovy stereo system hooked up a small disco
lighting setup helps the lighting of the room, which is also outfitted
with a pop machine, a condom dispenser, several mirrors, a few posters
of pin-up girls and the obligatory rack of machines that go 'Bing.']
Jared: (mumbling) How dare you turn against me, you son of a biscuit!
Ahh!!! Muffins! Muffins everywhere! (suddenly awake) Damn it... (looks
at the ceiling) Whew. Back in bed. Hopefully this body cast will come
off soon...
[The door opens.]
Jared: (unable to move his head to see who has entered) Hello? Identify
yourself or die.
Rei: you haven't changed much.
Jared: (still staring at the Unfamiliar Ceiling) Rei. S'up?
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_o > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_o > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < 0_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < 0_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < 0_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < 0_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < 0_0;;; > ...
[Rei dips her fingers into Jared's glass of water, and with a flick of
her wrist, deposits several tiny drops on Jared's exposed forehead.
Following this, she quickly and quietly vacates the room.]
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: < -_- > ...
Jared: ( >_< ) ...
Jared: ( >_< ) ...
Jared: ( >_< ) FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!
[The screaming stops several hours later, when Jared's vocal cords give
out.]
----------
[A week later, the Goons' apartment. The low angle of the evening sun
casts sallow shadows and illuminates the living room in a warm yellow
hue. The Goons sit around a new coffee table, sipping some Dew. Jared
and Andy are still in some bandages, and Jared is already beginning to
recover his voice.]
John: I'm appalled. There I was, fighting for my life and freedom out
there, single-handedly killing alien invaders bent on our total
destruction, and _you_two_ were having a jolly old roll in the hay!
Jared: I think you're mixing metaphors...or insulting us more than
necessary...again.
John: Hang your feelings!
Jared: < ^_^ > Ask who won.
John: (snaps) That's hardly relevant. Things are so far off track, I
don't know where to begin.
Andy: < ^_^ > Just ask.
John: No! We need to at least figure out where this is story is headed.
If we can't, it's curtains for sure! That JA2 was programmed with some
insanely skilled combat AI, and the Angel took it over like it was
second nature. If the mass production units have that kind of capacity
for fighting unarmed, we're dead meet. That means, at the very least,
some _serious_ training.
Jared: < ^_^ > Ask, dude.
John: Never! Now, I wonder what the chances are of SEELE programming the
Mass-Production--
Andy: < ^_^ > I won!
John: I DON'T CARE! Mucha, they day I--
Shinji: Hi. The door was unlocked.
[Six eyes swivel to take in the Eva pilot, and do a double-take. Shinji,
as far as one can tell from voice and size, is dressed like a hockey
goalie.]
John: What's with the protection, Ace?
Shinji: (bluntly) Well, I've been getting head in here when I come--
John: EXCUSE ME?
Shinji: ( >_< ) Let me try that again. (sighs) I've been getting hit in
the head when I come near here lately, so the protection is to keep me
safe from you three.
All Three Goons: < o_o;;; > ...
Shinji: Because I need to ask you guys a few questions about...well,
everything.
Jared: Forty-two?
Andy: For--DAMN YOUR SPEEDY LIPS, WADDELL!
Jared: (evil grin) You should see their super ultrasonic orgasm powers.
John: (warning; to Andy & Jared) Guys. (to Shinji) Come in Ace, I might
as well explain this to you too.
Shinji: Really? You will?
John: Why not? Most of it involves you.
[Shinji looks a little pale under his helmet, but enters the room with a
determined look on his face.]
----------
Cost of Goalie Gear: 81,900 Yen.
----------
[A long while later, deep within NERV...okay, in the cafeteria, which is
again strangely absent, the three Goons sit at a table, discussing...
things.]
John: Oh, how did your meeting with Gendo go?
Jared: < ._. > Meeting?
John: < -_- > ...
Jared: < ._. > ... < 0_0 > (claws at the heavens) I knew I forgot
something!
John: (sighs) Subject change. Why did you two feel the need to go
tearing up what was left of town while I was off saving the world,
fighting for my life and freedom...
Andy: See, this is your problem Genoni, always me, me, me. The world
doesn't revolve around you. You gave up your S.H.E. powers a while ago.
John: But both of you said you won, Andy. That means you've got the
S.H.E. powers, so again I ask: Why was _I_ fighting an Angel while you
were merely beating up on Jared?!
Jared: (offended) Merely?
Andy: (attempting to look philosophical) A journey of a thousand miles
begins with one step.
John: The breaking of a hundred bones begins with one punch, if you get
my drift.
Jared: MERELY?!
John: Shut up, Jared. (to the watch) James?
James: (from Mini-MAGI laying on the table) Yo.
John: What have we done to this universe?
James: Oh, you want my report?
Jared: (pouting; to himself) Merely...
John: Yes.
James: Okay, based on what information I was given about this anime, I
have to say we're headed for a "bad" ending.
Andy: You mean everybody kisses and makes up and fields of flowers pop
up everywhere and love conquers all?
John: (glaring at Andy) Go ahead James.
Jared: (still pouting) Merely...
James: Anyway, as I was saying, that Jet Alone MkII was remote
controlled to some extent, but its fighting skills were in the hardware.
Basic battle directives like "fight this Eva more" or "move battle west"
was all that was sent.
John: So, using its basic programming, it was being directed to fight us
by an outside power.
Jared: (still pouting) Merely...
James: I think that the entire battle was a test to see if the JA2 could
fight an Eva hand-to-hand, to a stand-still.
John: And it held it's own.
James: Furthermore, funding to NERV has dried up and there's no new
income, so...
Jared: (still pouting) Merely...
John: (to Jared) Would you get off it! (straightens his shirt) We can't
afford to fight the next three Angels, let alone upgrade the Evangelions
to deal with the more advanced technology and combat AI the Mass
Production units will be equipped with. That about sum it up?
James: Yes.
[The massive room goes silent as the Goons contemplate their possibly
very short future.]
[Then...]
Jared: (back to pouting) Merely...
[John decks Jared.]
----------
[Two days later, in an open field, the Eva pilots and Goons are
assembled in a loose line, all dressed in properly sized BDU's and
wearing protective goggles. John walks in front of the line like a Drill
Seargent.]
John: (in his best "Morpheus" voice) Now you know the Truth about the
Evangelions, Third Impact, SEELE, and their mass production units. Our
problem is a simple one: we must destroy both SEELE and their
Evangelions. I have seen NERV's Evangelions rip limbs from these beasts,
cut them apart, and smash their intestines like so much spaghetti in a
toddler's hand, and yet they have survived. They are immortal and
invincible. SEELE is beyond the reach of any government. To fight them
is to fight the armies of the world. Yet there is hope. We only need to
kill the individual members of SEELE, as it is their presence which is
necessary to lead us to our doom. They are holding all of the keys, they
are guarding all of the doors, and sooner or later, we must destroy
them. We must destroy them and we must destroy their Evangelions. Should
either survive until Third Impact, they shall be our end.
Jared: (begins walking in front of the pilots as John gets back into the
line) In plain Japanese, John is saying that if SEELE or the Mass
Production Evangelions are alive when Third Impact occurs, it's curtains
for everyone. We have to kill the immortal Evangelions and assassinate
the members of the SEELE council while fighting off every military force
on earth.
Toji: When you put it like that, it sounds so easy...
Andy: Yes! And then we get the good ending, the cool credits--
[Jared knocks out Andy.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Continue.
John: (turns back to the pilots) This is not an easy task, but since
when has anything easy ever been good?
========================================================================
[Closing Song: "Parade" by Garbage.]
[The song opens with some light guitar strumming. Black screen.]
PRIMARY WRITER
Jared Waddell
[Fade in the Three Goons apartment, where Jared is rummaging through the
'fridge.]
SECONDARY WRITER
John Genoni
[Turn one hundred and eighty degrees to see John sitting at the kitchen
counter, eating cereal. It's worth noting that the sun is setting, which
can be seen through the balcony doors.]
TETRIARY WRITER
Andy Mucha
[Andy strolls into frame and starts yelling at Jared. Fortunately, the
only audio is the closing music.]
[When the full rock beat kicks in, we see Unit-01 battling the 3rd
Angel. It's totally kicking ass with wild Bruce Lee style moves. Hover
gunships fly around the battle while 01 wails on the invader. Finally,
the Angel hits the ground hard and _very_ slowly tries to get back up.
Fade into the cockpit as the brief vocal solo plays. Hey, it's Jared!
Piloting Unit-01! He's talking rapidly to someone over the comm unit and
smirking dangerously.]
[Cut to Rei and Shinji in school. Asuka is nowhere to be seen.]
Lyrics: Let's burn the factories /
That makes all the wanna be's
ORIGINAL SERIES
Neon Genesis Evangelion
[The chalkboard has the words "GREAT TEACHER WADDELL" written across it
in English characters. The pervert himself is reading some Shakespeare
with entirely too much enthusiasm for this time of the morning. Andy
bursts through the door holding two action figures. One is Unit-01, the
other is the 3rd Angel. He leaps onto Jared's desk and starts playing
with them, re-enacting the earlier battle. From the amount of spit
flying from his mouth, he's making all of the sound effects too.]
Lyrics: Let's burst all the bubbles /
That brain wash the masses
EDITOR
Jared Waddell
[Andy, piloting the re-built Unit-00, fires off a ki-blast inside the
test chamber. While Shinji looks on in awe and John and Jared shake
their heads sadly, the rest of NERV goes into total panic.]
[Cut to big pink 4th Angel. Unit-01 is throwing a tank at the monster.
As the tank flies through the air, the hatch pops open and a confused
Andy sticks his head out to look around.]
[Impact.]
Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
If you can believe there's something worth fighting for
FACT CHECKER
Jared Waddell
[Unit-01 slams into a hill, the impact shaking trees a mile away. Toji
and Kensuke are on the ground, frozen in shock, the fingers of Unit-01
splayed around them like fallen logs. Unit-01 looks up to see a JSSDF
tilt-rotor aircraft hovering over the boys. A cable with harnesses
lowers from the aircraft. Unit-01 gets to it's feet and meets the charge
of the 4th Angel. While John, inside the tilt-rotor, lifts the school
boys to safety.]
Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth
GRAMMAR CHECKER
John Genoni
[Cut to the 5th Angel charging up its beam weapon. Jared stands on a
nearby bridge holding a twin-neck Fender guitar in his hands. He is
glowing red. When the particle beam fires, he swings the guitar like a
baseball bat, deflecting the beam into the sky. Of course, in that
direction, Andy has rigged up a massive catapult that flings a bicycle
into the air, where it is vaporized by the beam of energy.]
Lyrics: Believing in nothing /
Makes ya so boring
PESTERING PETER
John Genoni
[A hundred tons of steel slams into the walkway over the Bakelite
surrounding Unit-01. John is covering a heavily bandaged Rei from harm.
Seeing that John's body isn't even going to slow down the crushing
metal, Jared body-slams him, Rei, and the wheeled bed Rei is on out of
the way before diving off the catwalk. Unit-01's hand comes up to cover
Shinji, but to the side, quite unprotected, stands Andy. He is in the
DBZ power-up stance and looking almost hopefully up at the approaching
steel...]
Lyrics: So let's pray for something /
To feel good in the morning
INSANITY CHECKER
Andy Mucha
[The Three Goons are walking down a Tokyo-3 sidewalk with Shinji, Toji,
and Kensuke, who are trying to look like they're in a different country
than the three Americans. The Americans, it must be noted, are acting
out several notorious Three Stooges scenes with frighteningly accurate
timing.]
Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
If you can believe there's something worth fighting for
COMPUTER SYSTEMS
Cycanthus
Bogus
Lazarus
[Andy stands on a stage dressed in a tuxedo with long coat tails. The
spot light is all on him as he performs several amazing magical tricks.
Then when he starts sawing Asuka in half, there is clapping from the
audience before Jared tackles the cheering John.]
[Cut immediately to a nicely decorated Chinese restaurant. Andy and John
hang their heads in shame as Jared, dressed like a ninja, dances from
table to table avoiding a group of bumbling police officers. Misato and
Ritsuko slurp up some ramen in the background.]
Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth
TRANSPORTATION
'65 Nova
'89 Accord
[John floating above the ruins of Tokyo-3. The sky is blood red, and
John's eyes are evil purple. Tabris, the 17th Angel, floats before him.
The two share glares of pure murder while lightning leaps from tattered
earth to torn sky.]
[The closing song goes into a brief instrumental, while a montage of
shots flash by showing Unit-03 tearing through the Mass Production. The
last image freezes for a second, of Unit-03 covered in the blood of its
enemies, head bowed, a long katana held tightly in one armored fist.]
[The final scene of the instrument section is the blood red sky again,
this time framed by a row of Evas (Units 01, 02, 05 and 03), which
charge up Kamehameha wave to destroy some off-camera foe.]
Lyrics: Oh doctor we're dying /
There's no use in crying
SUPPORT SYSTEM
Small Children
Hard Alcohol
[James, in forbidden human form, is wearing combat gear suited to
Vietnam, complete with a large cigar clenched in tabacco-stained teeth.
In the background, a group of Evas hastily painted jungle camouflage,
work their way through a sophisticated "gun-kata" straight out of
"Equilibrium."]
Lyrics: So live for tomorrow /
And do what you have to
ADDITIONAL JOKES BY
John Genoni
Charmane Waddell
[A large space ship lands behind John. The man is smiling, wearing a
tuxedo, holding a remote control in one hand and a glass of champagne in
the other.]
Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
If you can believe there's something worth fighting for
CHAOS CAUSED BY
Work schedule
[Jared standing in the middle of a rice field. Dead and bloodied bodies
are piled in the field right up to his shins. He's dressed just like
Kenshin and even holds a katana. He looks a little shell shocked.]
Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth
THE WEATHER OUTSIDE
54 degrees and cloudy
[Misato sitting the couch drinking beer. American McGee's Asuka,
Colonial Space Marine John, Xenomorphic Jared, and Predator Andy jump
out from behind the couch shouting "boo!" That's the last anyone sees of
them until Christmas.]
Lyrics: Oh let's pray /
for something
ANNOYING NEIGHBOR
Well, I can't remember his name...
[The Goons and Eva pilots are in various combat drills. Some are
storming human-sized cardboard Angel targets, others are charging
through obstacles courses, yet others fire odd weapons normally designed
to work with an Eva. Presently unused are a variety of martial arts
training equipment.]
Lyrics: to feel good /
in the morning
SPECIAL THANKS TO
Family
Friends
Belly button lint
~ and ~
The urge to bore the audience to death
[The Goons are cruising in Jared's car. All are wearing sunglasses. The
closing song is now playing on the car's stereo. All three are lounging
in their seats without a care in the world. As the song's closing begins
to fade, the sound of the Chevelle's engine grows louder. Jared lays on
a little gas and pulls away from the camera, into the sunset.]
[Fade to black.]
----------
Cost of Closing Sequence: 27,350,000 Yen.
----------
========================================================================
Episode 10 Preview:
[A drawing of the 3rd Angel, done in crayon by a five-year-old, is the
only visual.]
Author-Jared: In the next episode of Three Goons in Eva! The world is
minutes away from ending? Can the super N^5 bomb be stopped by the
half-clone, half-cheese, AI-powered warrior who's been locked inside a
plate of lasagna for two years?! And what about the evil mad scientist,
Ritsuko Akagi, dead for four years, suddenly returning to kill our
heroes? Who is the mysterious man in the yellow jumpsuit with the "SD"
logo on his chest and what did Jared do with that 6" tall Incan mecha?!!
Author-John: Do we even _have_ a plot for the next episode?
Author-Jared: Plot? What plot?! This is classic Getter Robo material!
It's dancing arcade Evangelion action when the Mystic Seven dance team
from Furinkin high lays down a challenge to Asuka's long dead,
half-sister, who was revealed to be an Angel in disguise!
Author-Andy: (writing frantically) Hey! That was never in Eva!!!
Author-Jared: (nearly spastic) And what of the 27 Angels surrounding
NERV in attack formation?! And the Mexican gunslinger known only as
SEELE, WHERE DOES HE FIT IN?!!!
Author-John: What are you babbling about, there was only 17 in Eva!
Where did you get the other ten from?!
Author-Jared: And let's not forget Misato, stuck in the freezer! Will
she ever be rescued? Will the webcams stop fogging up? And where is my
Ritalin?! All, in the next episode of--
Author-John: You, in the hospital.
Author-Andy: Something he can't even remember.
Author-Jared: --THREE...GOONS...IN...EEEEEEEEEVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Author-John: (disclaimer voice) This time with more Dew. Much more.
(pause) That's IT?! That's the fucking disclaimer?!!
Author-Jared: CUE THE MUSIC!!!
Author-Andy: What music?! We already did the music!!!
[Sound of metal hitting flesh.]
Author-John: It is done.
----------
Cost of Preview: 20 Yen.
----------
========================================================================
Author's Notes:
All I have to say is, that with all that's happened, and all that hasn't
happened, you're probably wondering what in the world was going on with
all the censored bits, since we've done much worse before. I could say I
was parodying Americanized anime, but the sad truth is...we couldn't
afford the cuss words.
----------
Cost of Author's Notes: 0 Yen.
----------
========================================================================
[Andy and Jared sit in their apartment, on floor, watching the sun set,
and enjoying a companionable silence while the rest of Tokyo-3 is
enjoying a lack of building-leveling hand-to-hand fights.]
Andy: Training's going good.
Jared: Yep.
Andy: Quiet too.
Jared: Yeah, since you killed all those cicadas... (gets a funny look on
his face that we've never seen before, almost like he's thinking)
Andy: And John's brain is barely holding together. And NERV is broke.
Damn, I hate being the Responsible--
Jared: (gasps loudly) That means this is all _your_ fault!
Andy: What?
Jared: (points accusing at Andy) The cicadas!
Andy: Huh? How was getting rid of them a problem?
Jared: < 0_0 > They're a vital part of the anime ecosystem. Dude, you
can't just go flapping your butterfly wings in Peking, you'll ruin the
turkey!
Andy: < o_o > I'm not even going to pretend that made sense.
[The End!]
----------
Total spending for this episode: 466,299,999,852,806,636 Yen
(And 5 Human souls.)
----------
Started...who the hell knows. Back when 7 was still being written?
That's like, 2002!
1st Draft, Edited version. 06/20/2005
1st Revision, Edited version. 07/08/2005
2nd Revision, Edited version. 07/27/2005
3rd Revision, Edited version. 08/08/2005
4th Revision, Edited version. 10/06/2005
5th Revision, Edited version. 10/08/2005 FINALLY POSTED (
geocities.com/tokyo/subway/1888) (
geocities.com/tokyo/subway) (
geocities.com/tokyo)