WARNINGS: It was late and I was tired.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fade in on SEELE's little meeting room, where Gendo Ikari has made
reports and John Genoni has fucked with heads. Currently the NERV
commander sits before a number of imposing monoliths, in his
budget-conscious pose.]
Ikari: The fourteenth Angel is due at any time. _It_ will test the
resolve and ability of the Americans.
SEELE-2: And if they fail?
Ikari: Backup plans are in place that ensure our _predestined_ victory.
SEELE-1: We will see, Ikari.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 10
A Minor Thing /
Move it!
--------------------------------------------------
[La Casa Del Goon. The Goons are awake and moving around, having to be
at work in less than an hour. Jared is eating something impossible to
identify under a small lake of hot sauce. Andy is sipping some coffee
and looks half-zombie. John comes down the hallway, looking refreshed.]
John: Boy, I feel refreshed.
[Andy gives him a glare, considers his coffee, and brains John with a
lead pipe. In addition to the meaty 'THUNK' of metal meeting skull,
there is a dry snapping sound.]
[Jared and Andy exchange curious looks, then flip a coin to see who
carries their comrade to work.]
----------
[Some hours later, on the Command Deck, alarms begin to wail.]
Misato: (exhausted) What did they do this time?
Maya: The JSSDF has sighted another Angel! It just showed up on our
warning system too! It came out of nowhere!
Misato: Where are the pilots?!
Jared: (behind Misato) En route from D-block. They were practicing.
Misato: (jumping) Aaah! Don't do that! And where's John?
Jared: (worst lie EVER) Sleeping off a...hangover.
Ritsuko: (via Misato's Mini-MAGI) Major, I know this is a bad time, but
I thought you'd like to know that pilot Genoni is in my office acting
like I'm Freud.
Misato: (to Jared) Sleeping, eh?
Jared: (musing aloud) Must have chewed through... (notices Misato
glaring at him) All right! All right! I'll get in my Eva!
[He IT's away.]
Misato: Note to self, find a way to make them stop doing that.
----------
[In the geofront, several Evangelions emerge from access tunnels just as
the fourteenth bursts through the massive hole in the armor that
protects NERV from the IRS...er, Angels! I said Angels!]
Andy: (in the complete Unit-04') DIE!
[Andy lets loose a salvo of lead. The Angel's arms unfold and proceed to
slice apart the bullets long before they reach the Angel itself. Then
Andy's gun jams. The American dumps the hardware, leaping away as the
Angel's arms slice through the space his Eva occupied a split-second
before.]
Shinji: Fan pattern!
[Toji and Kensuke veer left and right, respectively. Shinji charges
forward in a slight zig-zag, and Asuka's Unit-02 is nowhere to be seen.
The Angel counters by knocking away the three stooges in a whirl of
limbs, and Unit-02 is revealed, having matched Unit-01's actions exactly
so that it could not be seen from the Angel's vantage point.]
[Asuka leaps into the air with a Mach 2.2 flying kick, but the Angel
catches her in mid-air. Just as an ominous hum begins to build in the
Angel's arms, a massive progressive sword comes flying into view,
slicing off the arms and stopping the eerie hum.]
[Everyone looks in the direction the sword came from to see 03 and 04'
in Kamehameha charge-up. The Angel merely glances at them, and a massive
cross-shaped blast hurls both of the bio-mechanical behemoths back over
a thousand yards.]
Jared: (in obvious pain) It's...too strong...fusion dance?
Andy: (also in pain) Agreed...Waddell. Fusion...dance.
[MEANWHILE!]
Shinji: We have to cover them!
Kensuke: I'm on it! Toji, back me up?
Toji: Ready!
[The battle is again joined. This time the Angel gets a hold of 01 and
slams it into Toji's Eva. Once the intensity of the attacks against it
are lightened, it begins to move towards the center of the geofront.]
Asuka: (rising behind the Angel with a giant progressive...mallet?!) I
don't THINK so!
[MEANWHILE!]
John: I don't know, I'm just not feeling like myself.
Ritsuko: Talk about that.
[MEANWHILE!]
Jared: (handing a rune-covered blade to Unit-04') Quick, use this magic
sword!
[MEANWHILE!]
[The blue octopus reacts badly, squirting ink in the General's eye.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[Kaji stumbled out of the pachinko parlor, clutching a small bracelet to
his chest.]
Kaji: I have to give Misato her present. I went through too much trouble
to get these, damn it!
[The entire city vibrates with the latest clash of the giants below.]
Kaji: (panicking, now speaking w/ Irish accent) No! They're after me
lucky charms!
[MEANWHILE!]
[Unit-03 draws up into a crane stance. The Angel pauses, trying to fend
off Unit-02, which is hitting the Angel on the head with an Eva-sized
dress shoe.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[The Ode to Joy roars to full force. The NERV Philharmonic Orchestra,
seated safely in the city/fortress above the battle to end all battles,
plays their heart out. Most of the musicians wisely ignore the large
'THE END IS NEAR' sign their conductor wears over his usual tuxedo.]
[MEANWHILE!]
John: ...And then the zebra kept drinking out of the toilet.
Ritsuko: How did that make you feel?
John: Well...upset! I mean, it's unsanitary! It's our toilet! Shouldn't
the beast know better?
Ritsuko: Of course. So, what happened next?
[MEANWHILE!]
[Toji caught himself just in time, and managed to get the Eva to land on
its feet. They dug trenches a quarter of a mile long before the fighting
machine came to a stop, but Toji didn't waste his time with silly
measurements.]
Toji: Kensuke, do you know what a zone defense is?
Kensuke: Not a big basketball fan, Toji!
Toji: We stand next to each other, then cover our open side. When the
Angel tries an attack between us, we catch the limb in a pincher
movement.
Asuka: (zooming by) Get a move on!
[Toji and Kensuke jump to enact their offensive.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[The cheese beheaded the heretical yogurt, thus spawning the hundred
refrigerators war. Countless cold-cuts were lost in the ensuing carne
asada...]
[MEANWHILE!]
John: But _I'm_ Optimus Prime's father!
Ritsuko: Sit down, Genoni!
[MEANWHILE!]
[Jared and Andy are about to complete their dance when Asuka is kick
away. Suddenly exposed, the Goons flinch just before their fingers
touch. Knowing that the tiniest mistake could prove fatal--or worse,
both pause just in time to see the Angel's fire wave coming right for--]
[MEANWHILE!]
[Then he turned and gave the shop owner a jaunty wave.]
[It was over.]
[MEANWHILE!]
[The Eva drew back--]
[MEANWHILE!]
[Misato gulped audibly at the close call. Another few centimeters and--]
[MEANWHILE!]
John: It was the socks! I'm telling you, it was the SOCKS!!!
[MEANWHILE!]
Jared: (thinking) That stance looks familiar... (out loud) DUCK!!!
[MEANWHILE!]
Misato: Yay! Go Kensuke! (thinking) Oh my God, did I just say that out
loud? Okay, I have to give the shrimp some credit, that was pretty cool.
[MEANWHILE!]
Ritsuko: How does that make you feel?
John: It...I never really got over it, you know? It was one of those
things that just takes away your will to live. I remember it. I just
drifted from one thing to next, not caring if I even woke up to see a
new day because every day after that was meaningless.
[MEANWHILE!]
Asuka: It's not gonna work! Give me the sword!
Jared: If I can get to ya, sure! Shinji, need some help here!
[MEANWHILE!]
[The NERV orchestra switched to some Samuel Barber to add some dramatic
tension to the scene.]
[MEANWHILE!]
Jared: (launching Unit-03 at the monster) Mango-KIIICK!!!
[MEANWHILE!]
Moleman A: Sire, we are but a moment from our doom!
Moleman King: Have patience. The Chosen One _will_ save us.
[MEANWHILE!]
Adorable Child: Look, mommy! A plot hole!
Concerned Mother: Keep away from it, dear. You never know what sort of
hacks use those things, then carelessly toss them aside.
[MEANWHILE!]
[The beam on the pilot's side wavers several times, then seems to
solidify even further. The Angel, now pushed to its limits, strains to
hold back the combined Kamehameha. This proves to be impossible,
however. After another full minute of neatly holding the stalemate, the
Angel stumbles and its AT-Field fluctuates a mere fraction of an inch.]
[It's enough.]
[With a sound like a world dying, the AT-Field is immolated by the
passing Kamehameha, which leaves only a cloud of base chemicals in its
wake.]
[The battlefield falls silent.]
Misato: (over comm.) Good job, pilots.
----------
[A few days after the skirmish with the fourteenth Angel, Ritsuko walks
into Misato's office.]
Misato: (without looking up from her paperwork) Doctor.
Ritsuko: Rather impressive, wasn't it?
Misato: You mean the damage or the silly weapons the Goons got ahold of?
And where did Jared find a--
Ritsuko: Don't ask me, I do not have the answers you seek.
[Misato shrugs.]
Misato: How's John?
Ritsuko: (sighs heavily) Alive. He tried to choke himself to death on
some Jello when his comrades came around. They took him into a broom
closet and have him sleeping in their office right now. He may actually
make it out of this okay.
Misato: And how are you doing?
Ritsuko: No more fucked up than before. (smiles sadly) Oh, the reason I
came here.
[Ritsuko pulls out a small folder and passes it to the Major. Misato
glowers at the additional bit of paperwork, then glances pointedly
around her office, which is stuffed to the gills with forms that have
yet to be filled out.]
Ritsuko: (shrugs) We have something than can tone the Goons down a bit.
Keep them focused and out of the populaces hair.
Misato: This is something you developed recently?
Ritsuko: No, we've had for a while, but it was unsuitable to our needs
until I pulled it out of mothball status and upgraded slightly.
Misato: (interested) What does it do?
Ritsuko: Restricts ki usage to a normal level.
Misato: < -_- > Which means...
Ritsuko: No flying, no near-invincibility, no ki blasts, no dodging
bullets, knocking over buildings, wrecking the entire city in a
glorified cat fight...
Misato: But this is going to hurt me, isn't it?
Ritsuko: 'Fraid so. Fair warning and all. Keep the report. As the
tactical commander, you're required to have it.
Misato: What if an Angel attacks?
Ritsuko: Oh, I'll turn it off in that case.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Next Episode Preview:]
John: Three words, people: GOOOOOONS IIIN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!! (
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