The placement of a Technical Support/Inside Sales job opening by Shimadzu Scientific Instruments in the Employment Section of the Baltimore SUN newspaper on 10/19/97 prompted the following response:

To the unfortunate individual who takes this position.... GOOD LUCK (you're gonna need it!). This is what you'll likely encounter at Shimadzu in the mid-Atlantic region:

››› The job ad states that Shimadzu is a growing leader in the field of analytical instrumentation.... this is very debatable! According to the corporate financial summary published on the Internet, the company's overall rate of sales and net income has declined in 4 of the last 5 years compared to 1992 levels.... only Shimadzu would characterize this as "growing." Cash dividends paid per share of company stock were decreased by 28.5% for 1995 and 1996 versus 1992-1994 levels. This is a clear indication that all is not well with this corporation! In addition, Shimadzu's share of the overall HPLC market is far behind that of the two major recognized leaders.... namely Waters Corporation and Hewlitt-Packard. Shimadzu is more of a follower than a leader!

››› Your job will require you to support the regional manager and technical support personnel.... this is an impossible task! Keep in mind that neither the current regional manager nor the former regional manager could successfully manage (among other things) the demo equipment inventory which is one of the stated duties. If they couldn't manage it (with nearly 25 years of management experience between them), then you'll probably not succeed either. Please also note that you will undoubtedly be taking directions from sales and service personnel too.... you will get grief from all directions!

››› In the part of the job description which lists your duties, you'll notice the last entry.... "and more." Get your butt plug ready cause you're gonna need it! Maybe not today, next week or next month but don't ever go to work without it. In the mid-Atalntic region, there are too many chiefs and not enough Indians! You'll be taking orders from everybody and trying to do your best to satisfy everyone's needs. But you can't WIN! Somebody somewhere will be expecting you to pull a rabbit out of your hat time after time after time! Sooner or later you'll fail.... and that's the time to watch your back!

››› Regarding the ability to make independent decisions.... you should make as few as possible! No matter what you do, there will be someone somewhere who will scrutinize your reasoning, question it and point out (behind your back usually) that "there was a better way or better solution" to the problem at hand.... you can't win! Advice: Walk around the office cautiously with your back up against a wall at all times unless you want somebody to rip you a new asshole!

››› The job ad specifies good customer relations skills.... this is important! Keep in mind that the customer handling skills of the regional manager and sales reps may not be as impeccable as yours. Therefore take notes (with times and dates) and write down any negative comments voiced by customers (because you will hear them). Unfortunately, you will probably find that there are manipulative forces within the workplace that will wrongfully pin the fault of these negative comments and observations on you at some future date.... you've been warned!

››› The job ad specifies good product knowledge.... this is impossible! You can have all the training in the world, but unless you use newly learned skills.... you will lose the benefit of any received training. At last count, you'll probably be responsible for eventually learning how to operate over 100 different pieces of instrumentation. You will get some training (if you can call it that as the regional manager has noted) but the onus is on you! You'll be expected to work long arduous hours in the office and take home supplementary reading materials. You may work your butt off 45-60 hours per week only for some corporate ingrate to observe that you don't know how to operate some particular module.... you heard it here first!

››› Do you like sugar-coated cereal? Well, if you plan to stay in this position for any period of time, then develop a sweet tooth! If you resist, this could be your undoing. The former regional manager had an avid propensity to sugar-coat everything. In all of his dealings with employees and customers alike, you got sugar whether you liked it or not! The current regional manager was cut from the same mold.... he's had a chance to refine it - just like sugar should be.... ask him!

››› Let's talk personalities.... Mr. Terry Adams (current Regional Manager) often characterized the former regional manager (Mr. Patrick O'Donnell) as being "useless." Advice: Watch your back around Mr. Adams! If you have any doubts, read Mr. Adams memo which bashes and condemns in-house personnel to see what he is really capable of. Ms. Diamond Melville (Sales Representative) coined the term "clueless" to describe the former regional manager. Advice: Watch your back around Ms. Melville as well! These two trolls have their own agenda. They are both adept at whitewashing their own problems and professional shortcomings while greatly magnifying the flaws of fellow co-workers! Regarding Mr. O'Donnell, you need to be told that he is unscrupulous and disingenuous! You will be amazed at how he rationalizes things.... stay away from him - he's a hypocrite. Take-home lesson: This trio is akin to 3 peas in a pod!

In closing, if an attempt were made to discuss the personalities of Shimadzu in-house personnel, we'd be here for the rest of the day! Suffice it to say: Don't bring up any product problems in the workplace.... in-house management has been known to assail (i.e. back-stab) the messenger in an overt attempt to extinguish the bona-fide message. Make daily observations for yourself, ask lots of questions and take liberal notes (keep a diary). You will be expected to be a miracle worker day in and day out. Because the deck is stacked against you at Shimadzu, remember to always WATCH YOUR BACK!

n.b. Webster's 3rd New International Dictionary defines a "troll" as a supernatural being in Germanic and Scandinavian folklore and mythology having sometimes the form of a dwarf and sometimes of a giant and inhabiting caves and hills.

n.b. Webster's lexicon provides the following definition for a hypocrite: one who pretends to be what he is not or to have principles or beliefs that he does not have.