In the Spring of each year, Shimadzu Scientific Instruments (Columbia, MD) advertises the availability of several internships (eg. liquid chromatography, spectroscopy, physical measurements, etc) with a typical start date in early June and an end date of late August. Shimadzu usually publishes a description of job responsibilities, essential functions and educational requirements but it is what they don't tell you that should be of particular interest/concern to prospective applicants.

To start with, you will be indoctrinated in the corporate philosphy of learning to lie, deny and conceal. Several full-time Shimadzu employees utilize these incredible skills on a routine basis when interacting with numerous clients. If you want, you will have three full months to hone your skills while learning firsthand from the Shimadzu pros on the job.... call it OJT --- on the job training!

Learn to watch your back. This is an important task. You will be tested frequently by your co-workers. Several Shimadzu employees relish in thrusting their jagged daggers into unsuspecting victims (including interns). Just when you think you've earned someone's trust.... watch out because you are especially vulnerable. And when in transit from one department to another in the Shimadzu workplace, walk with your back up against a wall lest someone will rip you a new asshole!

If you have a quiet personality, don't be surprised if someone knocks on you when you arrive in Columbia, MD. Unfortunately, there are several weak employees in the Shimadzu organization who will put up with almost anything (including sexual harassment) because they have a family to take care of. To add to the horror, there is no dearth of brazen Shimadzu employees who won't think twice about taking advantage of a tempting situation that could involve you! Be sure to sport a hidden tape recorder/videocam to document any unwanted sexual advances.

Be prepared to fight with the fickle Shimadzu instrumentation which will be integral to your internship. There is no better place to learn about Shimadzu's line of inferior analytical instruments than at Shimadzu's headquarters in Columbia, MD. Be sure to have pen and paper handy as you write down the amazing excuses that you will hear from product managers as to why a particular instrument doesn't perform as intended.... bring plenty of notepads and water-cooled pens -- you'll use them all!

And finally, give some serious consideration to bringing your own safety equipment (goggles, respirator, gloves, protective clothing, etc ) because you will probably be handling hazardous materials (HAZMAT) in the Shimadzu workplace. And don't be surprised if no one volunteers this right-to-know information to you.... it's all part of that lying, denying and concealing thing that you'll find exclusively at Shimadzu!

n.b. If lying and denying are part of your character already, you might qualify for a waiver from the initial part of the Shimadzu indoctrination program.

n.b. Remember the name Terry L. (L is for lowlife) Adams and steer clear of him. This guy has perfected backstabbing to an art form.... you've been warned about this disgruntled employee!

n.b. If you are harassed in any way while working in the Shimadzu workplace, don't waste your time filing a complaint with Human Resources. Mr. Gerry Carder (HR Manager) has been told numerous times about sexual harassment and other forms of discrimination in the Shimadzu organization but he is a good ole boy.... he likes to look the other way!

n.b. Can you say software bugs or hardware glitches? How about SHIT-MA-ZOO? Don't worry.... these words will become a regular part of your lexicon and stream from your mouth by the time you get ready to leave in late August!

n.b. If you are inadvertantly exposed to HAZMAT at Shimadzu during your internship, be sure to file a HAZMAT claim at: shimadzu-sux@bigfoot.com