Donkey Kong Jr. Math. The ONLY NES game to bear the seal of the "Educational Series" of early NES releases. Probably more so that the NES would actually sell in its early days as opposed to an excuse to make ANOTHER Donkey Kong game, DKJr. Math was released much to the delight of parents everywhere because, why should you even play video games if you don't learn from them? Fortunately, this was the LAST educational title released for the NES (until of course those demons at Fisher Price and Hi-Tech Expressions stepped in) because it was proven that you DO learn a lot from video games: Donkey Kong and all of the barrel-jumping, girder-climbing craziness within helped kids hone their hand-eye coordination, Rad Racer taught us that you CAN survive a 255 km/h (roughly 190-200 mph) crash, and, among other things, Spy Vs. Spy taught us that it's ok if blacks and whites don't get along so long as they use bombs and spring-loaded booby-traps in their battles instead of guns and actual physical violence. So, in the time-honored tradition (yes, even in 1984, some traditions were "time-honored", this wasn't the just-invented advertising ploy that's selling Game Boy Color remakes of NES games) of kids learning through video games, Nintendo, and in turn, Kid-Niki presents...

Before we begin, I have to say that I did maybe 5 minutes worth of research for this page, and I can confidently say that this is another game that falls under "D" for "Definately play this while high". We're going to start with good old Calculate A mode.

Both Calculate A and B were designed to be played by 2 players, hence DK Jr.'s gay cousin, Flamey Kong, appears over on the lower right hand corner. But 1 player can have just as much fun learning by playing alone as opposed to competing with someone and having them win because they're older and know what the division sign is for and you throwing a tantrum and having violence ensue. Or, not. I've never met anyone who has ever owned this game or would be willing to fess up to it. In both Calculate modes, good old Donkey Kong stands atop the jungle, holding up the target number. And you have to grab numbers and mathematical signs in an attempt to match that number. And because I rock as hard as I do, I'm going to provide a walkthrough for this particular number...
First, grab the "8" in the center of the left side. Then go for the "X" symbol. That means the next number you get will be multiplied by the "8" you just picked up. Now go for either "9" on the screen. Wowee! You've got 72! Only 2 away from the magic 74! Now you need to find a "+" sign, and then a "2", and you'll have 74! Honestly, I don't know why this wasn't rerelased in 1993 alongside Zelda, Zelda 2, Punch-Out, and Metroid. This clearly improved my ability to recognize the number 74 and should have been shared with the next generation of NES fans, all of which purchased top-loaders that same year. Except of course, nobody purchased top-loaders aside from the people who originaly had NESes back in the 80s. And even WE didn't do it until 5 years or so after the fact. Ok...moving on...

Match DK's numbers 5 times and you, apparently, show that you're the stongest fucking 1-inch tall gorilla in the jungle. Also shown here, Flamey Kong throwing one of those tantrums I described earlier.

Calculate B is pretty much the same thing as A, only the target numbers are harder to match. "-459"? What the fuck is that? If I wanted to see negative numbers in video games I'd track down the thankfully unreleased Donkey Kong Jr. Algebra, in which you can make DK Jr. act excessively bored and then make him smoke in the bathroom.

This is the selection screen for the "+-*/ Exercise" mode, which, if you didn't think so just by looking at this screen, you'll find out that it's incredibly stupid. Amazingly, it also bears the most resemblance to any public school math class.
In my previous update, I had said the way to win is to push the key up into the lock, but I received this bit of info in my email this morning...I felt as if I had just woken up on Christmas morning:
"This is the OSG coming to tell you that your Donky Kong Jr. Math page is hilarious yet misleading. Pushing the key up to the top in +-*/ mode only gives you the answer if you're stuck (because the questions are oh so hard). What you are supposed to to is shimmy your donkey ass over to the chain-vines on the right, climb up until the proper number is shown, then fall off like a dipshit and repeat on other vines. This is such a fantabulous task that Donkey Kong will hold up numbers when you've completed said task and gotten the correct answer. I assume it's a score or something. Uh-- I'd like to think litte Timmy for giving me this information. Yeah."
Now let's all thank OSG for beating up Timmy, the only kid to ask for this game for Christmas on that fateful year 1984, to gain this bit of knowledge by visiting his page...and you can click here to accomplish this.
That bird in the upper-right corner is like that annoying kid in your class. You know who he is, the one that asks you how to do all of the problems but when YOU'RE stuck and he knows the answer, he has a little shit fit when you try to "get help". The annoying kid bird here just makes up an answer and you fall to the bottom of the screen, defeated and dejected...

...but you can go right back to holding up to get the answer right yourself. Do that 10 times and you win a free trip back to the title screen!

There was a "National Education Month" sometime this year, I think it happens every year. Next time you find out your school is celebrating this month, why not spur your classmates on to celebrate and break out a copy or rom of DK Jr. Math?...because learning CAN be fun :)

Too many times you try to talk I still don't understand...
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