The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode Nine: "This Way! That Way! More Adventures in the World of Escaflowne!"

By Reanna King

Remember, if you’d like to email me, my address is reannaking@masakishrine.com. Thanks for the cool email you sent me, Waku-chan! It really made my day!

Was it a dream? Or was it a vision? No, it was definitely real! First Akio definitely painted me what was definitely a very blue shade of blue, then the next morning I was definitely attacked by what was definitely a Tentacruel who definitely either thinks I’m definitely his breakfast or definitely the next Miko Mido! So where are my friends when I need them? They’re saving Fanelia from Touga and Saionji, who have decided to take their fight to the streets… in a stolen Escaflowne and Schezarade! Let’s see if they can be stopped…

Utena, Anthy, Akio, Juri, Miki, Allen, Celena, Van, Merle and Hitomi all ran down the hallway toward the main exit in the throne room.

Miki stopped as he passed by my room. "Ano… what about Reanna?"

"Later!" Van said. "We have to save Fanelia first! Come on!"

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Miki-chan! "Miki-chan, is that you? Somebody—eep! Stoppit, you Poké-creep!" Okay, I admit, it hadn’t done anything yet, but it DID have me backed into a corner, and I really didn’t like the way it was looking at me…

"Cruel…" It put out a tentacle and tried to lift up the hem of my nightgown.

"EEEEEK!! Get away!" I screamed and pulled the hem back down. Perhaps if I managed to curl myself into a ball…

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"Sorry, Rea-chan!" Miki said through the door. "But King Van says Fanelia comes first!"

"He does, does he?!" I yelled back. "AAAAH! Let go of me! Don’t you DARE!!"

"Hang in there, Rea-chan!" Utena called. "We’ll be back soon!"

"No! Don’t leave me!—YEEEEK! Don’t do that! No, not that! NO, stop!"

Akio looked at everyone else with a bold face. "I’m going in there."

"Wow… he’s brave!" Merle said.

"Akio, it’s dangerous!" Juri said.

"Stop, stop, stop!! Let go of me!!!! Hey! Can’t you send someone in to help me out here?! Is that so much to ask, HUH??!!!!!"

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Utena asked Akio.

"Of course." Akio put his hand on the door. "I wouldn’t miss this for the world." He flung the door open and charged in. "You go save Fanelia. I’ll help Reanna… … eventually."

Everyone shrugged and ran out the hall toward the throne room, where plaster was falling from the ceiling. Van told some pages to ready a small army of Melef pilots and warn the general public of Fanelia… and that of the neighboring kingdoms. Juri went up to the top of the castle with a megaphone to see if she could calm down Touga and Saionji and Merle played a recording of "Epistle." (it ROCKS!)

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"Akio! Help me! It’s got me and… I think I’m gonna… AAH! DON’T! DON’T DO THAT!! NOOO!! You stupid Poké-hentai!!! You’re calamari once I get out of this…"

"Wow…" A drop of blood fell from Akio’s nose. "I should get one of those."

"What are you just standing there for?! Get over here kick this Pokémon’s butt!"

"I will… in a minute."
"NANI?!"

Akio pulled out a camera. "This is the ultimate Polaroid moment." Snap, snap, snap…

"DON’T TAKE PICTURES!!!!"

"You’ll see, Reanna, in a couple years, we’ll both look back on this and laugh. Ooh… great angle. Smile, Reanna…"

"Somehow I doubt it… AND NO I WILL NOT SMILE!!"

"Okay, in a couple years, we’ll both look back on this and nosebleed."

"Okay, that sounds more plausible. NOW HELP ME!!!"

Akio sighed. "Oh, all right…" He put the camera away, saying something about putting them up online and/or selling them to students at Ohtori. He reached down to his belt and pulled out… a Pokéball! He pressed the button on it. "Chibi-Akio, I choose you!!"

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"HEY! YOU MORONS! QUIT FIGHTING!!!" Juri was yelling through the megaphone at Touga and Saionji. She looked down at Merle on the balcony. "AND WILL YOU PLEASE TURN OFF "DANCE OF CURSE?" I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF ORDER PEOPLE AROUND!"

"Hai hai!" Merle called.

But Touga and Saionji paid no heed to Juri or her yelling.

"Take this, asshole!" Touga, in Schezarade, swung his sword at Saionji.

"Bakayarou!" Saionji, in Escaflowne, managed to parry in time to block the blow.

"Have at thee, you green-haired freak!"

"I’ll cut you and your mecha to ribbons, you red-haired mutation!"

Utena, Anthy, Miki, Hitomi and Celena stood in the throne room, watching all that was occurring.

"What’s going on out there?" Celena asked.

"Well…" Utena said. "Touga and Saionji are kind of destroying Fanelia, and I’m just burning to help out here."

"Uh… Utena-sempai…" Miki said.

"B-b- burning?" Celena said.

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"Chibi AKIO?" I cried.

It was a little chibi version of Akio, only a foot tall, maybe a bit more. "A! A! Kio! Akio!" it said in a high-pitched voice.

"It’s so cute!" I said. "Even if it is a little Akio…"

"Kio! Akio!" The little chibi tackled one of Tentacruel’s thicker tentacles that wasn’t busy. "AAAAAAA KIOOOOO!!" It let loose a mighty battle cry and began beating the Pokémon to a pulp.

"Yayyy!" I cried. "Uh, Chibi-Akio, as much as I appreciate this, could you stop shaking around so much?"

"CRUEL!! TENTACRUELLL!… cruel… cruel…"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaah!! Stop it, you self-insertion molester!!!!" (uh, I won’t get graphic. You fellow hentai can use your imagination if you really want to)

"Chibi Akio! Finish the job!"

"Hurry, hurry!"

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"You want me to fight in this thing?!" Van said.

"You want me to pilot this piece of junk?!" Allen asked.

"I WANT MY MELEF!" both cried.

"Well, you’ll have to use these to get those two maniacs under control!" Juri said. "If you two really are good Melef pilots, then use them to get your own Melefs back! And hurry up, or they’ll destroy Fanelia!"

"Yes, ma’am!" they both said.

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"… … what did you say?" Celena asked.

"I said I’m burning to go out there and help out!" said Utena.

"Utena-sempai!!" Miki cried.

Celena began laughing.

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"AKIO!" Chibi Akio cried triumphantly, standing on top of the pummeled Tentacruel, whose tentacles were all lying limp (some of them in pieces) on the floor. It made a "victory" sign with its little fingers.

I clapped. "Yaaay! Akio-san, I totally misunderstood you!"

"So does that mean?…"

"No."

"Ohhh… but… I’m really glad you’re safe… I did save you after all..."

"Yeah, yeah. Now, if you’ll let me get dressed, we can go help save Fanelia!"

"Huh?"
"I can’t save Fanelia in a nightgown, can I?!"

"Why not!"

"BAKA!" **WHACK** I reached for my jeans and shirt that I had been wearing since the beginning of my journey of ecchi-ness. "Sure would like a clean change of clothes…"

"A… kio…"

I looked down. "Don’t lift up my nightgown, you chibi-hentai!" I kicked the tiny Akio across the room, where it made an impressive impression in the far wall.

I threw on my clothes. "Come on, Akio!"

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Celena continued to laugh. "Yes… burn… MOEROOOO!!" She whirled around to reveal… guess who… Dilandau!!

"Aww jeez…" Miki said before taking out his stopwatch and clicking it.

"Uh! She’s the creepy gray-haired guy again!" Anthy cried.

"Uh… oops…"

Dilandau drew his sword. Hitomi fainted. Dilandau noticed her. "That… woman! Now’s my chance!" He held up his sword, ready to strike.

"Hold on there, Dilly-chan!" I had arrived just in time. I tackled Dilandau.

"Stand aside, Reanna!" Akio got onto Dilandau. He pulled some rope out of his pants and proceeded to tie him up.

"Let me go, you freak! SHESTA! GATTY! COME HERE AND HELP ME!!"

"Why did you have… never mind," I said.

Akio smiled and shrugged. "Let’s make it a hog-tie, just for good measure."

"NO, NO, NO! LET ME GO! I’LL SLASH YOU TO BITS!!"

I sighed and bent down to face him. "I can sympathize with how you feel."

"There. All done."

"Oh!" Hitomi said, waking up again.

"UNTIE ME, YOU BASTARD! MY DRAGONSLAYERS WILL GET YOU FOR THIS! YOU PERVERT!"

"Come on, now," Akio said. "Technically, it’s not bondage."

"B-b-b-bondage?" Hitomi fainted.

"Thanks!" Utena said. "Anyway, you were just in time… after all, in another minute, I would have had to use my princely skills to defeat him."

Another crash rocked the castle.

"What the hell is going on out there?" I asked.

Akio explained the situation to me.

"All right, then! We’ll just have to stop them!"

"I-it’s not that easy!" Miki said.

"It’s really dangerous!" Utena said.

"You could be killed!" Anthy said.

I smiled confidently. "Come on, now, you guys. I’m a blatant, shameless self-insertion. I won’t die THAT easily."

Another crash made the castle quake and rain plaster from the ceiling into small piles on the floor.

"Oh, dear, what a mess. Must get this cleaned up…" Anthy pulled a broom out of hammerspace and began sweeping the floor, humming "Hikari Sasu Niwa" to herself pleasantly.

"Anthy, there’s no time for that!" Miki said, grabbing the broom.

"But don’t they say, ‘cleanliness is next to godliness?" Utena asked.

"I thought it was ‘horniness is next to godliness,’" Akio said murmured.

"BAKA!" I whacked him upside the head, smiling with satisfaction at how messed-up his ponytail became as a result. "And after we save Fanelia, you’re going to tell me where you got a Chibi version of yourself."

"Of course," Akio smirked lasciviously, as if knowing something that no one else knew… probably because he did!

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Meanwhile, Touga and Saionji were having it out in the stolen Melefs, and apparently having a great time doing it, at Van and Allen’s expense.

"Hey, Allen, look, there’s a knick in Schezarade’s sword!" Van said.

"WHAT?!! My flawless record has been shattered?!" Allen cried. "Let me at ‘em!"

Van called out. "Hey, you two maniacs stop that before you hurt someone!" Van and Allen ran over in their Melefs, and did their best to hold the out-of-control duelists away from one another.

"Aw… you’re no fun!" Saionji said, kicking a huge barrel down the street as if it were a stray pop can, causing it to roll over a random civilian.

"I was just about to kick his ass too!" Touga growled.

"As if!" Saionji laughed. "I had you on the ropes and you know it."

"Ha! You were begging for mercy just a minute ago!"

"Pshaw! You’re lucky those guys stopped us or I would have beaten the snot out of you!"

"Okay, okay, that’s enough, you guys…" Allen said, grabbing the hilt of his sword.

"I’m not done with that yet!" Touga snapped.

"But it’s mine!"

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"We’re all doomed…" I moaned, smacking my forehead.

"I may have an idea," a new voice said from behind us. I turned to see a… to be blunt, fat and ugly man… but he wore a broad, toothy grin.

"Mole Man!" I said. I ran over to him. "Any suggestion would be great! We’re hanging by a thread here!" (Mole Man RULES!)

"THIS SUCKS!" Dilandau screamed. "SOMEBODY BETTER FREAKIN’ UNTIE ME BEFORE MY DRAGONSLAYERS GET HERE! Heehee… then you’ll all burn… I’ll see you all in hell!!!" He began laughing maniacally.

Mole Man explained his plan.

"Sounds great! Come on, Akio and Miki, you have to come too!" I turned to Hitomi, Utena and Anthy. "You guys have to watch Dilandau and make sure he stays out of trouble, okay?"
Utena made a "Victory" sign with her index and middle fingers. "No problem!"

Anthy smiled sweetly. "You can count on us."

Hitomi didn’t stir from her position lying on the floor.

"Touga! If we want to continue our battle, we must temporarily join together to defeat these two interlopers!" Saionji said.

Touga agreed. "Let’s get them!"

"Eep."

"Uhoh."