#STAND-UP COMEDY:#
"The Nonsense of Soap Operas"

Have you noticed how soap operas and telenovelas are taking over our TV screens?
I go home from school at around 5:30 and I turn on our TV set looking for something good to watch. But everyday, it's the same old story: I surf the channels and all they have on are soap operas. So what happens? I usually end up playing video games instead. I wouldn't be caught dead watching soap operas! (hangs head) Normally...
But, you see, there's this really hot chick at school, and she and her friends were giggling over some stupid, muscle-brained "hunk" (makes quotation mark motion with fingers) who, in my opinion, looks like a horse, has body odor, has too much make up on, uses steroids...oops! got carried away.
So I did what any healthy fourteen-year-old boy would do, I gave in and watched an episode day before yesterday to check out the competition. Well, you can bet your money I'm not watching another again. EVER! All that happened was there was a girl mooning over some guy who was having an affair with the her best friend who, by the way, is being blackmailed by her ex-fiance who accidentally killed his assistant in a jealous rage...still with me? Good, that's not even half of it! But I don't see the need for me to go on. You can probably guess the rest.
Also, do these people actually consider themselves actors? I mean, all they do is walk around moping, like this (martyred expression on face). I bet if there's a talent scout out there I'd be hired on the spot for being able to do it. (addresses one of the judges) You're not one are you? No? Good. My grandmother actually has that expression on her face perpetually. I suppose the only thing that's stopping her from snaring the leading lady part from Jenny Garth is that she drools when she sleeps.
After surviving my first episode, I've concluded that there are Ten Commandments you must follow in order to have a successful soap opera. Ready? OK, here we go:
No. 1: Hot, steamy scenes. (pauses, looks at the audience) Have you noticed that when two characters are arguing heatedly over something the guy suddenly grabs the girl by the shoulders and kisses her? They then melt into a passionate embrace, effectively cutting off further conversation. I mean, hellooooo!!! Is someone actually being paid to come up with the dialogue?
Second: AMNESIA. Now this, this is a must. Just when the story begins to reach a climax, one of the key characters will accidentally, or...let us say, not so accidentally, hurt himself and lose his memory. Scriptwriters also seem to suffer this condition along with their characters. How else can they conveniently forget that amnesia is only temporary? It usually takes them around a year to remember.
Third: The deadly secret no one must know. They're as varied as Rodman's hair color. Deception, betrayal, seduction, affairs...you name it, they've got it! This is very closely- guarded, but there's usually some sort of evidence left, like a diary or something. Which leads us to:
No. 4! There's always someone out there to blackmail or bribe him or her. In fact, it never fails to amaze me how these antagonists manage to be at the right place at the right time. Superman with his x-ray vision and keen sense of hearing would find himself hard-pressed with those folks!
Moving on, we have no. 5. Why is it that characters in soaps are never content with one relationship? I can just imagine all of them gathering in a bar and comparing notes. "Just three affairs? Why, there was a time when I was juggling nine..."
As a result of no. 5 we get no. 6. Illegitimate children. Not a TV season squeaks by without a girl approaching the guy and popping the dread two words. "I'm pregnant." Or after all these years, some guy sticks out his hand and says, "How ya doing? I'm your son..." At the rate this is going, no wonder the world is overpopulated.
The seventh is impersonation. Remember when a person suddenly reappears after supposedly "dying" in a fire? And the whole cast goes running around trying to figure out whether it's really he or she.
Eighth: the villains. Who says stereotyping is dead? Villains save the studio tons of bucks and energy each taping session by: a.) wearing black clothes day in and day out, and b.) always being in silhouette and shadow - lighting costs are chopped in half.
No. 9 is my personal favorite. They all have to sleep with each other!!! (pauses, says feelingly) Without this, you take away the very essence of soap operas and leave it to wither and dry. (abandons role, rolls eyes) Spare me.
And finally, when you add all this up you come up with the last, but perhaps must important commandment. Drumroll please. It takes years to finish!!! What started out with the girl going to a wedding will likely end up ten years later with her widowed, divorced two times and without any money. Talk about connection. (motions with arms)
So trust me; stay away from soaps. They're just a waste of time. I mean, did anyone watch "Days of our Lives" yesterday? You did?! Tell me did Bo and Hope make up? Did Lucas and Billy... (trails off, looks chagrined) Unfortunately, there's such a thing as getting hooked. Good bye, everybody!

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