2003 September 23nd 00:00
It keeps going.
I know things like the Get-right browser. And the "blank" HREF tag. Whoopie God Damn Shit.
I can tell you that most of the world's eggplants come from New Jersey. wow.
Itadakimasu means "thanks for the food 'diety'" in Japanese.
When you finish eating, you say "Gochisousama."
Microsoft exchange and Apache are NOT friends.
etc. etc. I'm still collecting useless knoweledge.
Walked with Gods...
Wept with Angels...
failed to help anyone, or anything.
The Angel of Loneliness
2003 September 22nd 23:53
My current standing in life is not where I'd thought I'd be. no matter. I've been successful. I've had ups and downs. I've decided that I don't care. no matter what I attempt I'll succed. but Iwon't be happy. I have found that what I desire most is passion. and that in nothing that I have done for the last twenty-Six years have i found passion...
I lie. I found passion in Acting. and writing. and helping people with their problems. but as I look into the mirror of my soul all i see are the failures of not tapping into those energies and making myself successful.
I know, I know, I'm no diffrent from the other 30 billion people on this earth. But my problems are diffrent because of the way that I cut my hair. My mind, My body, My soul... I'll post this drivel and laugh it off bacause I only express this feeling when I drink. I haven't drink in a month.
I don't know what I mean here. I'm rambling. My fingers just seem to find the keys easier than my mind. I'm happy where I was. why do we have to keep going forward? what is the point of ambition if we're all going to die anyway. No matter what lies after, there is only one thing that we can take with us. love. maybe not even that.
Maybe that is who Jesus was. Just a guy who figured it all out and got the blessing of an eternal spirit to try and explain it to everyone.
I'm just tired of moving forward. It makes you too old too quick. and I never want to be old. ---blah blah...
"old times there they are not forgotten, Look Away..."
Drop a note in my live journal since you came all this way, OK?
The Angel of Loneliness
2003 June 28th 22:36
Another weekend is here. It's only Saturday, but I know that in less than 24 hours I'll be lying in bed thinkng about the coming week and the next weekend. The weeks seem to disappear into the ebb of time. The weekends come and go among television and emails. lost is the time which matters most. The time in which I live among myself has been displaced. Lost. Displaced. The mask of who I am is firmly in place even amongst my friends. From behind the mask, I do not know the dangers of the life I lead. Smoking, drinking, and eathing garbage destroys my body, as apathy and dissalusionment destroys my soul. Dark moods are sweeping and fickle.
The Angel of LOneliness
2003 June 24th 16:30
Well, I've had my first accendent. I got hit. I wasnt' drinking or anything, and I'm not gonna say who's fault it was, but being in the center of the lane is pretty much were I'm supposed to drive right? I'm not sure though. Good thing I'm not riding my bike to work, right? *BEEP BEEP*
The Angel of Loneliness
2003 May 17th 19:40
Hey! I got a new bike. No motorcycle. Pedal bike. It's a Gary Fisher Tassajara. 17.5 inch height. Bontrager rims, handlebars, and seat mount. The Mytho SXG tires clock in at 2.1 inches wide, and eat dirt just as well as the $20 + Michelin tires. But, you gotta admit, that Michelin tag on your BIKE TIRES looks pretty damn cool. Maybe later. The Titec seat is good, but a little more coushin would really be nice. Rock Shox Air shocks with a Pilot XC fork set keep my arms safe from nasty shok-like ouchies, while Xenon bulbs in the front light keep those nasy deer in place so I can *WACK* 'em with my six cell maglight. Then the Shimano 'Deore' gears, pedals, and breaks help me get away before I get gored by Mr. Deer's antlers. After I stop to have a beer after running from Mr. Deer, I lock up the bike with a Kryptonite six-and-a-half foot steel cable lock. Now, on to the pictures! look to the left side if you want to see them.
The Angel of Loneliness
2003 May 13th 22:30
So there I was, driving home from work. Thinking. I realized that for five miles of that trip, I was looking in the rear view mirror. Life is like that. We often look back instead of forward. We say things like "hindsight is 20/20" and "If I knew then what I know now..." Sometimes, we look in the rearview mirror for so long, that we forget to look forward. The bad part is that knowing what has past can only help us so much with the future. Without looking ahead, we'll run over the old lady. That'd be a mess. Keep your eyes front people. Take the experience, but don't get caught up in the mess. I was once told that life is like steps. You make be on one step, your friends on another, and your dreams on yet another step. Your friends may be closer to their dreams and you may be further away. You can still talk to your friends and chare with them your life, but you can never be where they are. Also, you can't live on another of your steps. You have to progress naturally. You can't skip steps. You have to make you're way up progressivly. That's the problem with looking too far forward too. too far forward, too far back, geez. There have been no less than 6 friends and aquantices who have had babies this month. some on LJ, some in RL. I give my best wishes, and greatest prayers to them and their newly complicated lives. Good luck with the next step. I'm looking forward to it.
The Angel of Loneliness
2003 April 20th, Easter.
Ok. I got up a new link on the site. It's on the Navi side of the page there. It's a nice view into my apartment. It's not a lot, but it keeps me warm. I'm looking for a house and eventually I'll buy one I guess. Then I'll sell it later and build a house on the east, or in Montana, with the money I'll make off of it :p
Next update (tomorrow maybe?) I'll tell everyone about the Xterra episode. It's a treat. I'm sure everyone will get a kick out of it. It's 9pm here, so I guess everyone in SC is done with Easter. Hope it was good for all of ya.
The Angel of Loneliness
2003 March 19
As far as I care, it's all over now. I'm back. I don't care. I'm drinking tonight. I don't care. I'm watching Joe Dirt. I"m thinking about life. I"m thinking that I don't care. I' becoming my father. I'm becoming my worst enemy. So where do I do from here? I'm wondering if anyone reads this shit. I don't care. I'm too old to be where I am. I want to die. I want to give up. I want what everyone wants but no one admits. I want to sleep, drink, and smoke pot for the rest of my life.
Who the hell am I, and of I care?
2 March, 2003 1345
I'm in Kuwait, beleive it or not. I can't say specific things till it's all over (I'll assume that sence you are reading tis update that it's already mostly over anyway.) Anyway, I know that by the time that I get home it won't all be over. that sucks. I'm sorry for all of those who are here and don't have a choice to leave. I'm here cos I wanted to come. because for me it ment a little extra money and some recognition with my peers. I came because I wanted to take part in this war, and see the shit first hand. I wish that I wasn't in such a need here. Now, I'm not anti war, I'm pro peace. I won't protest on the streets or march on Washington. Hells, I won't even bitch too much about civilians dying. There are casulties of war after all. (I won't open that can of worms.)
Life is good here, really. There are showers and hot chow. there's a place to sleep. There's a good many things here that we have in the states; But there's no family. Your family becomes your peers. That's a comfort, but even your co-workers can't replace your best friends, or your loved ones. Those here, who are away from their families have little comfort from seeing the same people almost every hour of every day. There are a lot of pictures for eveyone to see, and a lot of stories to tell. I hope that when I get back I'll be able to show and tell all about my days here in Kuwait.
The Angel of Loneliness
23 January, 2003 1545
I'm chatting with this girl in the office. She wants to do a lunch Monday. I
wonder. It feels like a High School thing agian. I wonder if all chatting and
email stuff is like that. I'm going to have to look into that. I remember all relationships starting and ending in silly chatter and goofy faces. Nothing ever changes, I guess.
13 January, 2003 1810
So I'll let it all out. So I'll blab. Not quite. but this is interesting. For the last few days, I've been wondering why I don't have any mobile service. Well, The God Damn ***** who sold me my phone fucked me in every possible orifice then came on my face, took poloroids and passed them out to his friends. You Bastard. Well, long story short, I signed up for a nationwide plan and obviously didn't get it. I have been in a roaming status for about 3 months now. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!! The unbeleivable frustration I feel now is only eclipsed by the alchol and the depressing music. Otherwise it'd be worse. (And no, I get no roaming status display on my phone. Just so you know. Any of you leagl peeps know if I can fight that?) So, now I have this $400 bill that I'm going to have to pay sooner or later. Along with these stress points...
1. I still have to do these things before I can be useful to my company and go to Kuwait to support the Marines...
A. I have to get my shots up to date to even gain entrance to the country.
That means that I have to do two things at least...
i. I have to get my insurance re-filed. As you may or may not know,
blue cross and blue sheild, with whom I get my insurance with my
company, has recently decided to discontinue their HMO plan, so I
have to transfer my HMO to a PPO and THEN I'll have to wait for a
new set of cards to be issued and proof of insurance before I can
go to the health Dept. to get my shots. Otherwise pay cash. Cash I
do not have.
ii. Second, I have to receive the passport that I applied for. Then send
it along with an applicaton, and a cash payment to the Kuwaiti embassy
to be processed for a Visa. The passport's location is still unknown.
That means that I'm waiting for that too, to be useful to my company.
B. I have to make arrangements for my car to be taken care of, which means
that I have to do a few things to it.
i. I'm going to have to have my windsheild replaced, because for a storage
place to accecpt it it must be free of illegal such-and-such.
ii. I will have to update my registration in advance, because, most likely
I will be gone when it expires, and that will incur multiple charges if
the storage company has to deal with it.
iii. I will have to get a California Driver's license, bacause an out-of-
state resident can't make such a long storage commitment. I haven't
been in California for more than five days with a vehicle, since 2000,
therefore, I haven't had time to apply for a State DL.
On the bright side, that's all I can think of that I have to do. As for what I have done...
I've got a last will and testement, just in case I get my ass shot while I'm there.
I've got life insurance that will pay off if I die in a war zone. Mother, also has some cash benifit policies on me. Good for her!
Also some of my debts have a 'death clause' in them, so they are void if I have to meet "her" before I get to pay them off. Hmmm what else?
I guess that's the big things.
The small stuff, I can't even remember. The things like finishing that book, or listening to that entire CD you got just for one song. Or, remembering to call your Mom on her birthday, or telling your Dad you're proud of him cos he figured out how to find that damn MP3 by himself. Those things seem to take a back seat when you're living life. How human do we have to become to acknowledge those things wich make us more than animals? At what point do we bacome so human, that those things don't matter anymore?
Angel of Loneliness
post a comment on my Live Journal.
10 January, 2003 1300
Always the same. no matter what. I've gained a little koweledge, but I haven't changed in any way. That's just how it goes. I wonder about my job, but I see others that have... well I guess most of them have more knoweledge than Me. They seem to do the same things but they are better. Some have degrees, some don't but I'm the only one that has no more than four years in the Marines. I'm also the youngest. I wonder aobut my job. I'm glad that I have a cheap apartment. I'm glad that my car is paid for. I'm glad that I'm the Angel of Loneliness. I'm glad that I got to see my parents for Christmas. I'm not going home for a long, long time.
I'm worried. I may be giong to Kuwait, but I'm not ready. they, of course want to see medical, dental, shots, wills, etc. etc. I don't have any of that shit ready. that could be good or bad. When I first got here it was a long wishy-washy time before I got a place to live, and there were still things to do after I got it. I don't have a lot in my apartment, and I'm not worried about that, but I also don't have a lot of money right now. I didn't get any money for Christmas time, and I guess that I'm not going to send all that shit to my apartment. I don't have the money, and I won't have the time to enjoy it. Not for a while. for now, I guess I'm going into depression mode.
The Angel of Loneliness has spoken
Janurary 9, 2003. 1945
As I sit here in a hotel room in NC, I'm eating mac & cheeze, and wondering what is going on with the world. I always listen to the NPR broadcast and wonder... All of these people who talk politics, Smart politics, go unnoticed. People who stoke the flames of hate and cash are cannonized. It's sad.
Angel of Loneliness
1400
Well, I've gota job offer, but I really don't have a lot of information on what kind of job it is. It's something to do with OSEC. I looked at their website and got a lot of information, but that doesn't help me find out whatever kind of job their offering me. The guy I'm talking to seems ok, but sort of hurried. Hmmmmm. I know it's legit, but I hope I'm not getting in over my head. Then agian, that can be fun sometimes. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! mor on this news as it develops.
October 23rd. 1000
After a long delay the site is now up agian. I've wrestled with getting signed in to this site for some time and now know that it was Geocities' mess. Ah well, for a free site the're not THAT bad. I leave this Saturday for California and I'll be there for a week to 10 days while I do paper work and visit with my friends. Then it's back home for my first Christmas home in four years. It'll be just like the others I guess. I'll probably get presents for everyone and visit my brother in Charleston for the new year, if he's not at home.
I'm ready to get out, but I'm kinda weirded out too. I've enjoyed the Marines and I'm not sure how I'll cope with being thrust back into society. The adjustment period is going to be tough.
October 4th. 0820
Last night I tried real hard to be an asshole so that my Marines would get the picture about how to properly clean their rooms, but, I just couldn't be too much of an ass. I really didn't have too much of a reason. I'll tell you now though, They'll never fail a feild day agian.
October 3rd. 1520
Today turned to shit faster than a 25 cent microwave burrito... Then it got bad. Here in my 'shop' we have to prepare Marines to deploy to all areas of the world. We sometimes need certain documents to do this. This time we didn't have the documents that we needed, and have spent the last hour trying to decide if we are even going to create those documents. ARRRRGH! Also, I failed field day, and two of my Marines failed field day. they fucked up cleaning exactly what I showed them to clean last week. Now, I'm going to have to be an asshole! I don't want to be an asshole. Ah well.
So here's my story. I left my wall locker unlocked, and whoever inspected my room of course, saw into my stuff. Here's the funny part. Last night one of my girls came over for a late night swim in the pool.
***SHIT!*** Fuck the day just got worse.
1630
I may be ready to go back to the barracks now. I'm here still as you can see by my writing. I made some crossover cables today and found out that even though Unix is great at remote acces for Admin types, you still have to drive an hour to you supported unit's office and creat an account on their box. BTW, we're still using Sun Spark's from about 8-10 years ago. God help me I'm tired and Not hungry thanks to all the caffeine. Ahhhh. and I still have to go back an be an asshole to my Marines so they won't fuck up their field day agian.
Pros and Cons were updated today, if you were wondering. :Þ
The Angel of Loneliness
October 1st 2002. 1445
Gods only know what awaits me in the real world. I have no prospects, no real education, very few skills and very little experience. Non-military types tend to believe that once you get out of the service that you can pretty much write your own ticket. I wish that were true.
I was just thinking, I'll be a 23 year old living at home; then it hit me. I'll be 25. Most people don't see a damn thing wrong with this, but I know the statistics. I'm going to be lost in the ocean of WTF for some time. I just don't even seem to care. I'm going to be unemployed and I'm not even thinking "oh shit. I need to find a job. I need to do something so I can eat and pay my car insurance and gas etc etc. I'm not even thinking, well mom and dad can help me, or this person or that person. I just have no feelings of what's going to happen or not happen if I don't have a place to go when I get out. I know that I should be searching for a job, and looking at which schools are going to be opening classes when I get out, but I can't seem to find motivation to care. I know that it's going to be rough no matter what I do, or where I choose to go, I just can't seem to care whether I fail or succeed.
What do I really want? I want to go somewhere where nobody knows my name, and if walk into a place, no one will know who I am or where I'm from. I want to disappear into nothingness. I want to never have to deal with a person in the world unless I deem it personally appropriate. I want to fall away from society and all of it's banality; to sink into my own dark oblivion, where the piercing screams of the self-oppressed, materialistic, over fanatic, sex worshiping, religious activist, self-centered, brainwashed, morons that claim they love and would fight for their country will never reach my ears or boil my anger to the point of violence again.
If I close my eyes forever, Will it all remain the same? If I close my eyes forever, Will it all remain unchanged? --- Ozzy Osbourne
The Angel of Loneliness
1630, Almost.
It's almost time to go home. Things are no worse or better. Things are not what they seem. Things are entirely what they seem, and behind them, is nothing. it is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. In accordance with the prophcey. I'm ready to... hell I don't know. I'm done for the day. I'm tired. "With miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep."
O-Yasumi-Nasai
27 September 2002. 1250
Bored bored. Still no info on my W-95 orders, but It still looks like about the 20th-26th Oct.
1500
It's getting late on a Friday and the calls start heating up. It's a mess. All these dumb-asses keep calling and asking for shit that will take all day to complete. I'm going to get stinking drunk tonight.
These four years have gone by quick, but I feel like I have aged about 8 years. It's been a long December. (I entered Boot Camp on 12 Dec 1999 and I'll exit the Marines on 01 Dec 2002.) Long December has been my ballad for a while, and "freak" is a good one too. I don't belong here. God, This day is never going to end. ARRRRRR!
It's now 1600. almost time to go back to the 'military housing room place' and try to get drunk. BTW. Here are some cut and paste links to look at this weekend. while you guys are out getting fucked up with your boyfriends and grilfriends, or just sitting on a couch at midnight eating popcorn, be sure to remember the rules of the orders in the below links, and know for sure that I will never, ever look back
visitors alcohol
1215 September 26th 2002
As you can tell, I've been busy. I've added a few little things on the page for 'eye candy' and freshened up the menu bar. I know it's still Frames, and some people Really, Really hate that, but I'm not good at style sheets or complex java, so I'll just have to deal and wait for it. HHEh. I had to get a new mouse for my computer at work today bacause the old one is shitting the bed. It's all 'clickiy-clickity this' and I'm all NO! 'Clickity-click-click' THAT!!!! and it's all 'mouse there' and I'm all BAD MOUSE! Mouse HERE! and it's all HELL NO! and I'm all like 'EEEH!' *finger* and *bleh*
So, i got rid of the old one. ^_^ New mouse is nice. new mouse listens.
Ok, it's now 1630 Wedensday 25th September.
I'm about to go to a 'field day.' Just an update to the page for all of you wondering what it's like to be getting out of the Military. the Marines in specific. Just follow the 'next page' link on the left. The military terms page will be up soon too.
The Angel Of Loneliness
0815 September 25th 2002
Last night was pretty weird. I drank and got pretty stupid. I didn't run around and make a complete ass of myself, I just stayed in my room and tortured myself. It's been like that for a while now, and I don't even know why I keep doing the same things over and over. It's another day now, though, and I'm always trying to make the dawn of a new day something special. Who knows, maybe today will be a better day and a new way.
3:46 PM 9/23/2002 Greetings!
This is a bit of an archive for me. There's going to be a few things here that are not on LJ and a few links of intrest. I'm sorry that it's going to be on Geo, but hey, I'm a transient. It works best for intrest.
ANYWAY, It's not been too bad of a week so far, but it's still Monday. I've got a lot to do this week and It's going to pile up if I don't take care of is ASAP. I've got to get rid of my car, and start checking out. But as I mentioned, I can't check out 'till I get my orders. That's coming down the pipe, but it looks like a long delay. Othere than that, nothing happens. nothing ever happens. We know how it goes. Hopefully As i keep writing this mess I'll get a little better and I'll have a little something in my bag of tricks that I can use for money. I'm going to try and not drink tonight, but that may fall through. I'm going to junk my car tomorrow and try to avoid seeing any General Officers if possible and find out where the HELL my W-95 orders are.
My orders are another issue. Once they are signed I can get my ticket to Camp Pendleton where I get the hell out. Yea. and once I figgure out style sheets I'll make this mess look pretty.
The Angel of Loneliness.