A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer' and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road' And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door' Temperature Effects Fahrenheit 60: -- Californians put on sweaters 50 :-- Miami residents turn on the heat 40: -- Minnesotans go swimming 35: -- Italian cars don't start 30: -- You plan your vacation to Australia; Minnesotans put on T-shirts 25: -- Californians weep pitiably;Canadians go swimming 15: -- French cars don't start 5: -- You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start 0 : -- Too cold to ice skate. Alaskans put on T- shirts -10:--German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15:--You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist -20:--Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start -25:--You plan a two-week hot bath Swedish cars don't start -30:--Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. -40:--Your car helps you plan your trip South -50:--Congressional hot air freeze. Alaskans close bathroom windows -80:--Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south -90:--Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets One-Liners

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck! Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice. Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in comon? A: They both have a one in a million chance of being human. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No? Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of $%!*? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his @$%. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, You’re crazy you’ll never be able to outrun that bear! I don’t have to, the first lawyer replied. I only have to outrun you. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?" A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. Isn’t there anything I can do? pleaded the patient. Marry a lawyer, the doctor advised. It will be the longest six months of your life. Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.' So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. 'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman. 'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.' A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.' He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did, and all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?' 'No,' replied the man, 'I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!' A Harvard and Yale law grad met in a washroom during a law convention. The Harvard graduate said, 'Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?' The Yale grad responded, 'They taught us not to piss on our hands' Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathmeticians. All their organs are numbered.' Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless,and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.' Their was a doctor walking down the sidewalk one day during the towns sidewalk sale days. he noticed a stand that said 'brains for sale.' He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound and another sign that said Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound. So he asked the man behind the cashregister how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00, the man replied, 'do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?' A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!' The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long- distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!' 'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?' 'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!' 'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?' 'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'