So it comes down to this…
I've told you what I have kept inside of myself for
nearly two years now…
Everything depends on you…
Your love…
Your willingness…
Your trust in me.
Which direction will you choose?
~~~
'Mirror Mirror'
M2M
Why don't I like the girl I see?
The one who's standing right in front of me
Why don't I think before I speak?
I should have listened to that voice inside of me
I must be stupid,
Must be crazy,
Must be out of mine,
To say the kind of things I said last night
Chorus:
Mirror mirror hanging on the wall,
You don't have to tell me,
Who's the biggest fool of all.
Mirror mirror I wish you could like to me,
And bring my baby back,
Bring my baby back to me
Why did I let you walk away?
When all I had to do was say I'm sorry.
I let my pride get in the way,
And in the heat of the moment,
I was to blame
I must be stupid,
Must be crazy,
Must be out of my mind.
Now in the cold light of the day, I realize…
Chorus
If only wished could be dreams,
And all my dreams could come true,
Then there would be two of standing here in front of you.
If you could show me that someone I used to be,
Bring back my baby to me
Chorus
~~~
Lonely Lonely Heart Chpt. 10
By: Lelu and Eternal Angel
ETLCHSIEH@Aol.com, Usako9@Hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/cherii_blossoms
~~~
Her large luminescent eyes blinked at him, as she
stood there, her body frozen in shock…
'Usa-ko…I love you…'
'Usa-ko…I love you…'
'Usa-ko…
I
Love
You…'
Surely her mind was playing tricks on her…Perhaps
he wasn't even really standing on her doorstep…. She was
tired, she told herself, so very tired. Her stress… it must
have caused her to become delusional.
So she did the logical thing…
She reached out to touch him…
And felt cloth.
Wet cloth.
"Usa-ko…did you hear me?" The eyes of a worried
Chiba Mamoru stared at her, concern filtered them with
alluring blueness. His heart had seemed to wonder
whether it should continue to slowly beat, forcing blood to
travel through his veins, or stop and break into pieces. She
hadn't said anything, she hadn't made any move, except to
touch him, as if she was touching a dream.
"Usa-ko, I love you."
She closed her eyes, her breathing seemed to be calm
and slow, as she felt the reality of everything come into her.
He was here – in front of her – on her doorstep. And he
was telling her what she had always wanted to hear from
his mouth enter her eyes like an angel's wonderful voice
singing softly to her as leaned against the doorframe.
Everything was almost perfect.
Almost…
Impeding doubts began to crash into her mind.
'What if…' Her rhythmic breathing began to
constrict. 'What if…he really doesn't mean it? What
if…What if he just wanted to tell me that, just so I
wouldn't feel so badly about what happened so long
ago…'
She was back to the 'what ifs' again…
They seemed to be her favorite words…
Guilt.
Maybe that was why he had reacted this way towards
her, the way he stared at her when she entered the room.
Guilt.
It always had a way with people, to cause them to do
what they didn't want to, so their conscious wouldn't be
marred. But… what if he was speaking the truth? What if
he really did mean the words that were coming from his
mouth?
Nonetheless…. She didn't want to be hurt again…
She didn't even want to hear why he had come to her
doorstep to proclaim these false words…
Tears began to form in her blue eyes, as she shut out
all thoughts of positive ness of this situation, and let all the
negativeness sink in. After all, and logic set in, why would
he want to love her now? What had made him change his
mind in the course of 2 years…? This was what had
become of her, what he had done to her pride.
"Mamo-ch…Mamoru, I think that you had best
go..." she said, watching his eyes grow wide in horror. She
had *never* *ever* called him by his whole first name.
Angry or not, she never dared resort to such a deduction of
intimacy.
She watched as his 6'2 frame began to slouch in
defeat, and he turned to go as she let out a sigh… And
then, suddenly, he turned back around, his eyes burning
with fierce determination. As if he had finally pushed out
all the demons of doubt out of his mind. She gasped at the
figure walking his slow tenuous pace towards her, and she
did the first thing on her mind.
She tried to slam the door.
But his hand was too quick. It pushed against the
door as it was about to slam into his face.
He dropped the drenched roses on her doormat, and
took advantage of her shock by pushing the door back
open, and walking in as he took off his soaking coat. He
gently laid it on her kitchen counter, and then turned
around to speak to his beloved Usa-ko…who was still in
shock, and standing next to the (still) open door.
Gently, as if not to scare her, he walked slowly to her,
and shut the door, taking her hand, and leading her to the
couch…He needed to talk to her.
And then, all this demons returned, he didn't know
why he was here…
After all, he had promised to himself that he would
not go after her…
But he couldn't.
It had been she…all these years… It was she who had
kept him from being alone during those awful years in the
orphanage. It had hurt so badly when all the kids had shut
him out…but then Usa-ko had come along and saved
him…If it hadn't been for her, who knows what he might
have turned out to be- what he might have done to
himself- after he left that dreaded place.
There was a story that he had never told her, actually.
How he was attracted to her, after he saw her enter the
doors of the orphanage…His gaze had, somehow, been
drawn to her presence… She had been so young then…so
nieve of what was going to happen… Such an angel
shouldn't have been left there…and he had known it. So he
promised himself that he would befriend the young girl,
and would really be her friend no matter what.
And so he did.
And look at where it led them. Into a game of
heartache and wondrous love, always bestowed to the
other's knowledge. He was still trying to reason out with
himself why he was here, as he sat on her couch, the
wetness of his shirt bringing him back to reality.
Mamoru supposed that it was that one it was just one
little fact that made him try once more- The fact that he
could not live without her. It was near impossible,
but…he wanted to try… to give it one last chance…to see
if she would choose him over Kunzite.
The odds of it actually happening were so
slim…but…
If he could have the chance to grasp at true
happiness…
To have the feeling of his Usa-ko's arms around him…
To feel her lips pressed passionately against his…
He would give up everything in an instant.
Usagi was nervous…Very nervous.
She didn't want to hear what Mamoru was going to
tell her…Probably something like, 'Hey, Usa-ko, it was a
joke! A joke!
'You're a joke, Usagi.
'I could never love some one like you…
'Not when there are so many other women I could have…'
Her self-esteem had not always been this low…as a
child, it soared. She was so happy…and then slowly, it
began to disintegrate…
Her mother had abandoned her…
She had no friends at the orphanage, besides
Mamoru…She had always blamed herself for that.
And the most crushing blow had been when Mamoru
had tried to joke about her love for him…
Her love was so pure and blinding…for him…
But he had deteriorated all of her hopes of them being
together, by trying to suggest that it was a joke…And she
tried to save her pride by agreeing…Sealing her fate by
denying to him, what she really felt.
It was ironic this whole situation…He really didn't
love her…Well, he did, but not like *that*…The way that
she had always wanted him to…. He just wanted to assure
her that she would always be his little sister…his
imouto…and that his love would never reach beyond that
point.
She didn't want to fall into this trap…She wanted
him to leave. Now. As soon as possible. Just so she
wouldn't get hurt.
She looked at their intertwined fingers…His hand
was holding onto hers so hard, that it was causing her skin
to turn white…To match the ghastly color that her face
must be…
"Usa-ko…"
She looked at him.
"Usa-ko…I really meant what I said…"
She gave a nervous titter. "Uh...hai, hai, Mamo-
chan…I…uh…I love you, too…"
And she watched his eyes light up, as a bright smile
began to dawn on his face.
And, taking a deep breath, she sealed her fate. "…And
it's nice to know that I can always depend on you…you
know that I never had a brother…and…that's how I feel
for you…Just like how…you're offering me your sister-
like love…" She offered him a weak smile.
It was better this way. Then none of them would get
hurt…like she had those 2 years ago… And then, perhaps,
they could both move on…
But she had already tried to…
And now she was left, with no more Kunzite, and a
hopeless dream.
His face fell, and resembled a storm cloud.
He shook his head violently, and let go of her
hands…
The warmth was gone…
He kneeled in front of her. "Damnit, Usa-ko…I
know what you're doing, and believe me, it's not going to
work." He looked into her eyes. "What happened today?"
He made a gesture to all the tissues lying around. When
she refused to answer, he shook her. "Usa-ko….talk to me!
What the hell happened?!"
Her voice a mere whisper... "It's none of your damn
business."
His eyes grew large. "Usa-ko….don't do this to
me…to us…why are you closing yourself to me…?"
Her head jerked up. "'Why,'" she repeated slowly,
wanting to laugh at his confusion, " 'are you closing
yourself to me…'?" She glared at him, the beautiful orbs
that he loved so much, directing so much anger at him.
"What, Mamo-chan?" she said in a voice so twisted, that it
made him stare in shock. "You don't want me to do to
you…what you did to me so many years ago?"
Rage consumed her body, and all the emotions that
she had felt, ever since *that* day, spilt out.
She stood up, walking past him, and went to stand
across the room, her eyes focusing on the pictures on top
of the mantle of the fireplace. And so she began…she
began to tell him exactly what was going through her mind.
"You don't want me to ignore you, as you had done?
"You don't want me to not be there for whenever
you call for me?
"You don't want me to keep secrets from you, as you
did?
"You don't… want me to…to…." A sob built up in
her throat, but she wanted to say it. She wanted to, so
badly… "To forget special days that…that we had
made… together?"
That one had been the most painful to say…
She felt strong…invincible, really…And she wanted
to say every and any thought that had crossed her mind,
ever since he had said that 'she had been joking about her
love.'
"Damn it Mamoru, you have no right to come into
*my* home and ask me why in damnation am I closing
myself away from *you*!! Goodness Mamoru, you out of
all people, should know!! I mean, it's *your* fault!" her
voice was in complete mockery as she continued on, all the
pain, all the self-hatred she had placed upon herself had
finally built up into this moment, "You forgot my
birthday! Gods, you already know how much I hate that
day, but instead you took no care for my reaction and
decided that celebrating your anniversary with Naoko was
more important… Damn it! Even I know that your
anniversary was the week before!! I counted! And when I
tried to explain that to you, do you know what you did?!
You hung up on me…And I was left to Mako, and she
tried to comfort me…"
She swiveled her head to turn to him, blue eyes filled
with tears.
"But how could she try to comfort a shattered heart?
She couldn't…Not when the one that I had wanted was
with another."
He wanted to block away from the painful words and
fall back into the memories that they shared and never let
go. But he couldn't, his head yelled at him telling him to
listen, to listen to every singe word that escaped her lips!
But he couldn't live in the past…He would have to look to
his future…
His soul was in agony…He wanted her to stop…He
called her name in despair.
"Usa…Usa-ko…"
If she heard him, she ignored him, and whirled
around, blazing blue eyes, digging into his heart. "You
promised that you would never abandon me … especially
on the days like those… You promised me that you'll
never abandoned me. But you know what?"
Weakly, he whispered, "What…?"
"You did!" Bitterness consumed the words that he
had taken a step back because it seemed to slap him on the
face. "You did! You abandoned me…Every time you went
out with any girl…every time you smiled at some girl and
left me to go talk to her…every time you came home late
at night, and just walked passed my room, not even
bothering to check on me…And most importantly…" She
pronounced each word with decisiveness that she never
thought she had…
"Most importantly…when you brushed my love
aside…" She walked close to him…"You asked me if it
was a joke!" She began to chuckle, as he watched,
bewildered.
"My emotions, my dedications, my devotion … a
joke!" Tears cluttered her eyes, "You thought my love was
a joke to you! Oh…I had dreamed that one day you
would finally realize that you loved me…that you would
spend the rest of your life with me…"
'Usa-ko…How long have you been holding onto all
of this? How can you remember all of these little details?'
Shock hit him, one hundred fold. 'She was so in love with
me, then…'
"Stop… Usa-ko, stop… please…"
She paid no heed to him, wanting to get everything
out, wanted to brush out the storm that brewed within her
mind, her heart for so long.
"But then…you crushed my dreams, Mamoru…My
hopes…and so I ran away to Paris…To escape you…my
feelings for you…" She couldn't stop…and she knew how
much she was hurting him…
A part of her said: 'Good…hurt him…let him know
what you went through…'
But her heart said: 'Stop, Usagi, stop! What are you
doing?!'
And so she did. Wearily, she looked at him. "Mamo-
chan…I don't know just why you're here…Do you want
to mock me some more? To raise my hopes, and then to let
them plummet to the ground…?" She looked away. "Go
away, Mamoru…Leave…
"And…and never come back." Her voice broke at
the last sentence.
He glared at her, defiance filling every inch of his
body. "No, no, no…No. I will not leave you. Never. And
I'm most certain that I'm never going to let you leave me
again." He walked over to her, and forced her to sit down
on the couch…forced her to listen.
"Usa-ko…I was a fool…and I know that I hurt
you… but… I never knew it was this much…" his eyes
were cast downward, ashamed to look at her, ashamed to
look into her eyes. "But… you don't understand. You
don't understand. After you left, I wasn't sane anymore. I
didn't know how much I depended on you until then! I
didn't know what you really meant to me until then!!
Naoko had came and I broke up with her. I didn't see
anyone else after that. I only wanted you. I only wanted
you."
He broke down, tears streaming down his face, "I was
alone, for the first time in so long, I was alone. I couldn't
stand it. I couldn't stand being alone! I couldn't stand
being without you! Everywhere I went you, memories of
you memories of us, haunted me. I began to think of how
happy we could be if I didn't ignore you, if I only opened
my eyes and saw the truth. And goddamn it, Makoto
didn't make me feel any better."
"Mako…?" Her voice was questioning him as he
looked at her, his eyes meeting hers. "She told me what a
fool I was, and how everything was my fault… and it was.
Damn it, it was. But soon we became friends after we have
gone through all of the pain, all of the emptiness… I
didn't know she was also an orphan."
"You never paid attention to me or my friends." Her
voice was stark and stiff and cold.
"Gomen nasai… I didn't mean to…"
"You were always off, leaving me behind. Always
laughing to those girls saying, 'Ohh, she's just a girl I know'
and then brushing me off." She had said in a low tone,
"And no matter how much I tried, whatever I did, you
never took a look at me. I consoled you after heartbreaks;
I took care of you when you were sick. I even cooked and
cleaned, but you didn't care, you didn't care…"
"Usa-ko…
I'm sorry…
Gomen ne…"
He continued to repeat those two words as if they
were a chant as she closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.
This was what she wanted, five minutes before he had
entered and fulfilled them. This was what she had
demanded, where he would love her and beg for
forgiveness… And now would be the time to tell him to
leave…To let her live the remainder of her lonely life…
Her heart would be forever empty…
Forever lonely…
"I…"
Her voice was barely a whisper, as he looked up at
her, his eyes deeply intertwined with hers.
"I…
I love you."
Three words.
The world to him.
He embraced her, as tears entered her eyes.
A new beginning, that's what they needed.
A fresh start to mend their hearts.
"I love you." He had said, as he kissed her softly, as
she felt tears streaming down her face. "I love you so
much, Usa-ko."
He placed his lips upon hers as she felt herself relax.
Maybe, this would work.
Her heart fluttered as fast as a butterfly's wings…
And she could feel his heart, beating ever faster than hers.
No, this WAS going to work.
For, if they had survived everything that Destiny had
set out for them…
The loneliness…
The heartache…
The tears…
Then most certainly, they could learn to be happy…
To love each other.
Forever.
~~~
Fin Lonely Lonely Heart
~~~
::sniff sniff:: it's the end!! i don't want it to end!!
::cries:: I would have had a more distasteful ending, but
lelu yelled at me saying 'must be happy ending'... aww...
i guess she knew what i was going to do!! hehehe, anyways,
thanks to all of those wonderful people that emailed us
thoughout this whole story! i love you all! *eternal angel
::cries:: Oh my goodness...It's all over…::sobs:: It went by
so quickly…! ::sniffle:: I suppose that e-mail would be a
good consolation for what I'm feeling right now. Usa-chan,
it's been a privilege working with you…Let's just hope that
our next story will be as good! ~Lelu (
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