Going Away to College
Mamoru is going away to college. It’s weird how when you finally
find someone you love and who loves you back, you have to let them go.
There is always that saying: ‘ If you love something let it go. If it returns
it was always yours, but if it does not, then it was never yours to begin
with.’ I guess that’s how it is with me and Mamoru.
Well, first I should probably say that Mamoru and I grew up
together in a little town, going to the same church and school for most of
our teenage lives. We were friends, but it seemed to me that Mamoru
always protected himself with a cold wall of defense, and it was
constructed so well, nothing could penetrate it.
My sophomore year my parents transferred me to a different school,
45 miles away from my hometown and friends. I still lived in my little
hometown, but it worked out because my parents had a job in the city. I
had just gone through a breakup and the end of a friendship, but it was
good I left, I suppose, because the people I thought were my friends were
now giving me the cold shoulder. It was about that time that I found a
little nick in Mamoru’s wall of protection. We had never been an actual
couple in the past because of our different circle of friends. He was upset at
my leaving at first, but as we began hanging out more, and as we became
better friends, he’d often remark ‘ the stones are falling’. It was weird, and
totally unlike my past relationships. Mamoru seemed to like everything
about me. All my annoying ticks and habits he adored. He never
complained about me being too big or too small, he never complains about
my ears, (which I hate) but he adores them. Anything else previous
boyfriends had been annoyed by, he seemed to love about me. He made me
laugh, made me smile and was the best guy friend a girl could have.
As his graduation neared, our relationship became more intimate
and I became used to his occasional kisses on the forehead, cheeks and
sometimes the lips. I was afraid however, that I would become to attached to
Mamoru and when he left for college, I’d be heartbroken. I hated the fact
that Mamoru and I were just now getting closer-closer emotionally than
any of my other boyfriends- only for him to leave.
One night Mamoru and I were talking when the phone rang I got up
and walked to the other room to answer it. A friend of mine from a
different town was inviting me to his prom. With my feelings for
Mamoru, I was unsure of what i should do, so I told him I would call him
back. I went back to talk to Mamoru and as soon as I sat down I got a call
from a friend at my old school and he was asking me to prom as well.
After about the third call like this Mamoru told me to tell them that I was
going to the prom with him.
I began to notice how much Mamoru and I complimented each other.
He was funny,yet calm and serious where I was a bit wilder, yet thoughtful
and caring. We were exactly what the other needed, and I smile back on
all the times he said I was good for him. He was good for me too,
and I knew I needed Mamoru more than I cared to admit.
Then their senior trip rolled around, and upon his return, the
rumors I started to hear crushed me more than I thought anything could. I
tried not to believe them, tried to ignore the pain they caused, but the little
nagging voice kept popping in my mind. ‘What if they are true?’ ‘How
could Mamoru do this to me?’ After calling my best friend for moral
support, I confronted Mamoru. He was honest about it, saying what my
mind didn’t want to hear. 'I'm sorry, Usagi...' I was mad at him, but after
awhile I started to wonder if this is how college would be. If I would be
worrying every second about who he was with and what he was doing.
After the rumors calmed, Mamoru and I were still as close as
always and we finally started using the *official* terms for each other, I
mean, yes we had hooked up before then, but never had we gone as far
enough to say we were anything more than dating. He was my boyfriend
and I was his girlfriend, and after all that agony and worrying, I was
truly happy.
One night Mamoru and I were coming home and he started talking
about his life. I realized how little self confidence he had in himself and he
he didn’t realize how many people really did love him. I then realized how
much I needed Mamoru in my life. For the first time in a long time I felt
whole and complete. I knew then that I truly loved Mamoru, the kind of
love you have for the person you want to spend your life with. I turned to
him and saw he was crying. ‘Mamoru, if something ever happened to you,
I don’t think I could make it through. I love you,’ I told him, to which he
responded with a kiss. It wasn’t a long kiss, considering that I was driving
at the time, but it told me all I need to know.
I remember the day he told me he knew. He said that one night,
after we had been sudying, talking and uh... kissing... I had fallen asleep
on his chest he knew he loved me. He said 'Just watching you lay there,
so trusting, knowing I wouldn't harm you, looking so peaceful in my arms...
I just knew.' I remember feeling his hands on my face and back, and the
occasional kisses on the top of my hair, and I can’t think of anything more
romantic than just lying there in his arms, knowing he loves me too.
During the summer, our daily routines consisted of him bringing
me breakfast in the morning, which was followed by our talks to 12 or
1pm, depending on the day and his work schedule. When he got home he’d
sometimes come over and we’d have dinner. If for some reason we could
not have our daily dose of one another, that day ended up a bad day for
both of us.
Usually our talks consisted of the future, rather our future together.
He told me one night, during one of our more depressing talks of his
departure for college, that even if we weren’t together in the next few years,
we would be together in the future. I told him of my decision to wait to
have sex until marriage, and it bothered him that I was a virgin at first,
but then told me: ‘Even if you don’t marry me, your husband will be the
luckiest man on earth because that is the greatest gift any woman can
give can give her husband, and I repsect your for it, because not many
girls now-a-days actually believe in that.’ I told him of my worries about
him going away to college, and as always he replied with the right words,
the words I needed to hear. ‘We should put our faith in God. If he wants us
to be together, then hell yeah! But if it ends up we aren’t together, we’ll
know that at one point in our lives we both had someone we loved and who
loved us in return.’
I know these next few years are going to be hard on me and
Mamoru, but I know it will all turn out for the best. I love Mamoru right
now and he loves me. I don’t know what the future may hold for either of
us, but I will always look back to this time when we both had someone to
love and someone who loved us back. We may not be together this time
next year, but until that time comes, I will treasure what we have right
now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is dedicated to the real life *Mamoru* and *Usagi*...
(Because they wish to remain nameless...) One day I
was sitting, lalking with *Usa*, and to hear her talk so
passionately about this subject inspired me. I plan on turning
this into a small movie short and entering it in a contest on HBO!!!
(Cool ne? go here www.hbo4kids.com and click 30by30kidflicks)
I originally wrote this with the names Jamie and Kayla...
(still not their real names..) but anyway, I Just wanted to share
their story with you all...
Hope you enjoyed it...
Sailor Peace
Written July 25, 2000
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