Angel
Usagi-chan
Usagi@lunap.com
http://hop.to/minako_usagi
I don't own Sailormoon or anything pertaining to.
Author's Notes: This is dedicated to my God Sister.
You re one totally amazing woman, and don't let anyone
ever tell you otherwise! And even if you can't read
a map, you are still wonderful!
And to Eclipse-chan, because she puts up with horrible
first drafts.
And to ChibiCori, because I think I scared her...
And to MK, because she is wonderful. That's enough
of a reason.
Mamoru gulped down the dark liquid, languishing
in the burning feeling. He reached for the bottle and
hesitated. He knew he would regret it in the morning,
especially when he had to get to his early morning class.
Sighing, Mamoru shoved the bottle away and slammed the
glass back down.
The liquid sloshed from the bottle, spilling on
the term paper he had left lying on his coffee table.
Cursing, Mamoru grabbed a napkin and tried to sop up
the brandy.
"Dammit!" He muttered. He was going to have to
re-type the entire thing tonight. "Dammit, Angel..."
He didn't even like Brandy, preferring the taste of
saki to the harsh bitterness of brandy. He had only kept
it around for her.
**Flashback**
"How can you stand to drink that stuff, Angel?"
"It's easy, Mamoru, but it's an acquired taste." She
had laughed cynically, and he had looked at her puzzled.
"Besides, it helps me forget."
"Forget?" He had echoed.
"Why would I want to remember, Mamoru? What is
there to want to remember?"
He had wanted to say 'me', but was afraid she would
laugh and tell him he wasn't worth remembering. There wasn't
a lot that she put faith into, less than he had ever thought.
"It's easier to forget, Mamoru." She had told him after
a long silence had filled the apartment. "It's so much easier..."
**End Flashback**
He understood now, what she had meant. She had been
tired of it all, and so was he. He was sick and tired of
everything. Maybe it was easier to just forget and to escape
reality; a reality he didn't want to face.
It's not like he had anything to live for anymore.
What? To become a doctor? To fulfill his dream? There
didn't seem to be a point anymore. What good was success
when you couldn't share it with anyone? And where would
he find anyone to share it with?
**Flashback**
"Have you ever noticed how pretty the sky is at night,
Mamoru?" It had been one of her good days, and Angel was standing
on his balcony looking up at the night sky. She had smiled one of
her rare smiles at him as he nodded.
"It's beautiful." He agreed, gently putting his arms
around her. She had laughed, and scorned him.
"Nothing's beautiful, Mamoru. Beauty is meant to last,
and nothing lasts. Not even hers."
**End Flashback**
She had been referring to her sister, and he knew it.
Angel had resented her younger sister, because she had been
everything Angel was not.
Mamoru remembered meeting the girl, once. It was the
only time he had met Angel's family, the only time he had
even seen them, until today. And today hadn't been much of
an occasion to meet anyone.
Although he could picture Angel's sister, he couldn't
recall her name. The girl had smiled shyly when Angel had
introduced them, and Mamoru had been surprised. She and Angel
bore no resemblance whatsoever. Where Angel had platinum blond
hair, her sister had golden blond hair that reminded Mamoru of
a sunny day.
**Flashback**
"This is Mamoru." Angel had barely looked at her family
as she introduced him. Mamoru, on the other hand, had practically
drunk in the family atmosphere. Something he had never had.
Everyone had greeted him warmly, welcoming him into their
home. Angel's sister had shied away from him. Angel had laughed
and later told Mamoru that her sister was always so afraid.
**End Flashback**
It had been obvious they loved her. Mamoru could tell
that Angel's sister adored her, and her parents cared very much.
They had even expressed missing her, because she spent so much
time at Mamoru's apartment, rather than at home.
Maybe that's why it had been so easy for them to blame him.
They accused him of not really caring about her, of even driving
her to do it.
But he didn't. He hadn't even known.
She had often spoken about it. It was her favourite
subject. They would spend hours in his apartment talking about
death, and what happened to them afterwards. Angel clung to the
idea that after life was oblivion. She would feel nothing, know
nothing, be nothing.
Mamoru found the idea frightening. He couldn't imagine existing somewhere, and not realizing it. He didn't like the idea of not being in control, or at least not having the illusion of control.
He knew now that he never had any control over Angel, or their relationship. She had been on a downward spinning spiral since the day
they had met, and had just hoped to bring him with her.
**Flashback**
"Angel?" She had looked at him, not bothering to speak. "Do you
want to go out? Do something?"
"Like what?"
"A picnic, a walk.." He shrugged. "Whatever..."
"I suppose we can." She had brushed the idea aside. "I'd
rather stay here. It's too sunny out, too warm."
**End Flashback**
He remembered the day clearly. The weather had been perfect
for lovers to spend the day on the lake, or at the park. They would
have had a nice time, but Angel didn't want to have a nice time.
Nice times meant happy, and she wasn't happy.
Mamoru stood up quickly, trying to brush the memories away.
He stepped out onto his balcony, where he relished the cold winds.
He leaned his forehead onto the icy railing and his hands clenched
the bar so tightly, his knuckles went white.
"God... I'm a mess." Mamoru found his mind wandering
over the funeral. Motoki had been there, and Angel's family.
They blamed him. They blamed him for not noticing, they blamed
him for not stopping her, and they blamed him for not being there
the day she slit her wrists in his bathroom.
**Flashback**
"Do you ever wonder why we are here, Mamoru? Do you wonder
what cruel God put us on Earth for no reason?" Angel looked up at
him through the curtain of her blond hair. Her eyes were so dark
he couldn't even tell what colour they were. He shook his head.
"No, Angel. I don't even want to think about that."
"Do you often think about Death, Mamoru?" That question was
a frequent one with Angel, only this time she had been rubbing her
wrist almost subconsciously. And he had never noticed. Not once.
He had been utterly shocked when he had found Angel lying on his
bathroom floor. He had had no clue...
**End Flashback**
Angel's mother had yelled at him, and broke down before
the funeral even started. Motoki had tried to reassure him that
it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have known. Mamoru sighed.
He had been to busy feeling sorry for himself, for the way his
life was and because the only kind of girl he could attract had a
soul just as dark as his was.
"I thought we suited each other. I thought we could save each
other from the loneliness..."
How could he have known that she was too far gone, and that
there was no hope?
Frustrated even more, Mamoru went back into his apartment and
locked his balcony doors. At nineteen, the tall, dark haired student
was as alone as he had ever been, with no relief in sight.
"Angel.. I thought you were the best thing to ever happen
to me. I thought we could have made it together. I thought you
would always be there..."
With thoughts of being alone forever haunting him, Mamoru
fell into a deep, restless sleep.
It was only months later that Mamoru found out he didn't need
to be alone, ever.
After months of loneliness and depression, anger and
guilt, he met the woman that would truly change his life.
He had been sitting in a quiet coffee shop, staring out
the window waiting for his order to arrive. Mamoru had a small
leather bound book resting on the table, but he was too busy
studying the drops of falling rain to read it.
The day was dreary and horrid. It just made his bad
mood worse. Mamoru was practically counting the minutes
until the day was over.
"Here's your coffee, sir. Black!" The mug appeared
in front of him.
"Thanks." He muttered, not bothering to look up at the
waitress.
"Can I get you anything else? A muffin maybe? Or a piece
of cake? We just got a totally yummy marble cheesecake in, or..."
Her voice trailed off as Mamoru looked up and their eyes met.
"No, thank you..." His voice was gruff and Mamoru jerked his
head back down, effectively breaking all contact with the young
waitress.
Slowly she walked away, glancing over her shoulder at
Mamoru who sat gazing out the window and sipping his black
coffee.
'So bitter...' She thought before turning her attention to
her other customers.
Mamoru's eyes followed her around the entire coffee shop.
Every time she disappeared into the back, his eyes remained on
the door until she stepped out, carrying coffee or cake or just
brushing her blond hair out of her face.
She seemed to like smiling and chatting with the customers.
Many of them seemed to know her, most liked her. He knew she could
walk away from one shift with a fortune in tips.
"Can I get you anything else?" She was back, and Mamoru
hadn't even finished his first coffee. "Do you want more coffee?
I bet that's not even hot anymore."
"No thank you." He glanced up at her, and the waitress sighed.
She slid into the chair across from him with the tray she had been
holding hugged to her chest.
"What is it? Why are you watching my every move?" She asked.
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
Mamoru's expression darkened before he answered her. "Who
knows? Maybe." He shrugged.
"I thought so." Her voice held more certainty than he had
expected. "Mamoru."
His eyes flew up to hers, and she could read the shock in
their blue depths.
"Did you think I would forget you?" She asked softly,
brushing her hair out of her face.
"I.. I didn't.. I never..." He choked on the words. She
smiled softly.
"Mamoru-san, I adored her, you know. She hated me. She
hated me from day one and I never knew why. I always hoped I
would run into you, and then you could tell me. Why? What did
I do to make my sister hate me so much?" Tears filled her sky blue
eyes as she implored Mamoru.
"She didn't..." Mamoru began, but the girl shook her head.
"She hated me, Mamoru. I always knew it, but she was... God!
She was Saeru."
"Saeru?" He echoed.
"Yes, Saeru. My sister." Usagi's eyes questioned his.
"She always went by Angel."
"What?" Usagi shook her head. "She hated that. I called
her that once, when I was young. She used to let me call her that,
but one day she yelled at me. She said I was grown up enough to
call her by her real name."
"She always went by Angel." Mamoru repeated, smiling softly.
"She never let me call her that." Usagi wiped the single
tear that escaped her liquid eye. "She was a smart, gorgeous
blond, with an amazing boyfriend who adored her as much as I did!
And somehow she hated me..."
"She didn't see it that way." Mamoru's voice was low and
soft. "You were everything she wasn't. You were happy with
your life. You seemed to be born with a grace Angel never had.
You loved everyone you ever met, and people flocked to you. Angel
had a hard time making friends, and keeping the ones she did have.
Angel envied you."
"Why?" Tears fell down her pale cheek. "Why would Sae...
Angel envy me? I was nothing compared to her!"
"Yes, you were. And she was afraid of that. She was afraid
of what you would do..." Mamoru paused. "She was too depressed to
see otherwise."
"But you did. You saw Angel, didn't you? You saw the Angel
I did."
"I..." Mamoru couldn't bring himself to agree, because he
hadn't seen Angel. Not the Angel her sister had loved and adored.
The only Angel he knew had been a sad and lonely soul, waiting, and
wanting, to die.
"You did. I know you did." She reached across the table
and squeezed his hand. "Can we get together later, when I'm off
work maybe, and talk about her? I would love to talk about what
you two did together."
"Sure." Mamoru nodded slowly.
"Thanks." The waitress stood up. "I'll bring you another cup
of coffee."
"Wait, what's your name?" Mamoru asked, then blushed. "I
couldn't remember... I..."
"You were preoccupied with Angel. Who wouldn't be? I'm
Usagi."
Mamoru nodded and pushed his coffee cup away. Usagi moved
to the counter to grab another mug and poured a fresh cup of
coffee. She paused to talk to a dark haired woman before smiling
and making her way back towards Mamoru.
"Yuriko said I can take a break now, and talk to you. Its
not very fair to make you wait around until I get off." Usagi smiled
and slid back into the seat across from Mamoru. "Here's your coffee."
"Thank you."
"You knew Angel for a long time, didn't you?" Usagi asked as
she followed Mamoru's gaze out the window.
"A few years. We were classmates before we dated. Angel
was one of the first people I met when I first went to Moto Tech."
Mamoru replied, lifting the white mug to his lips and sipping the
black coffee. "She was the first real friend I had."
"And you were one of Angel's first friends. I remember when
she came home one night, so happy. She said one of the cute boys
in school asked her for her phone number." Usagi smiled sadly. "She
didn't used to hate me you know. We used to be close. Angel was
the one I looked up to, and she knew it."
"A lot of guys wanted to get to know her, but they were too
afraid. She seemed to blow everyone off. They didn't want to
risk asking her for her number." Mamoru explained. "When we
started dating, I was the envy of all the guys at school."
"And I'm sure Angel was envied too." Usagi laughed softly.
"Mom and Dad never wanted to admit it, but Angel was never happy
here. It was almost as if she was really from the Heaven's, and
the burden of gravity, something we take for granted, was too much
for her. I used to think that she was unhappy being away from
God."
"Maybe she was." Mamoru replied after a long silence. "Whatever
it was, Angel was unhappy."
"And there was nothing I could do about it. I feel so guilty.
When I heard... When Mom told me that Angel... The world seemed to come
crashing down around me. I couldn't handle it. I just wanted
everything to stop, and I wanted Angel back. She was too good,
she never deserved it..." Tears flowed freely down Usagi's cheek.
"I know, I know..." Was all that Mamoru could whisper in
response.
Mamoru found the small coffee shop to be almost a haven for
the next few months. Every time he felt sad, angry or depressed
he went there. Whether Usagi was there or not, it helped to just
be there and to remember her.
Mamoru began to understand what Angel had been so jealous of.
Usagi had a lust for a life, a flare for living, that Angel never
had. And it was so natural for Usagi that she never even realized
she had it, but somehow, she managed to pass it on to everyone she
met, even if it was just for the time spent with her. Mamoru,
however, felt the change for only a fleeting moment, before reality
came crashing down on him.
Usagi was Angel's sister. He had driven Angel to her
destruction. He couldn't do the same to Usagi. He couldn't
bare to see the light in Usagi's eyes dim for even a moment.
But rain or shine, Mamoru always found himself headed
in the direction of the coffee house. He was starting to
spend more hours there than at home. And Usagi didn't seem
to mind at all. She could spend just as many hours talking
about Angel, or listening to stories about Angel.
"Mamoru." Usagi greeted him with a warm smile and a fresh
mug of hot coffee. He smiled back and pulled off his wet bomber
jacket.
"I'll take that. I can hang it in the back by the heater
so it's dry by the time you want to go." Usagi told him, taking
the jacket from his hand and replacing it with the hot mug. "Have
a seat."
"Thanks." Mamoru sipped the coffee as he surveyed the
place. He made his way to one of the tables next to the window
in a secluded area. He looked around as he waited for Usagi to
come back.
Mamoru's gaze fell on a young man, and almost dropped the
blue mug. It was like looking in the mirror! The man was a few
years younger, about Usagi's age, with blue eyes and black hair.
Even his features were reminiscent of Mamoru's
"So how are you, Mamoru?" Usagi asked, plopping into the
chair across from him. Mamoru tore his gaze away from the man
to look at Usagi.
"Fine. How are you?" He asked, forcing himself to sip
his coffee.
"Okay. A friend from school dropped in." Usagi laughed.
"I forget to get him his hot chocolate, because I saw you coming.
I'll be right back, okay?"
"Sure." Mamoru smiled at Usagi as she stood up and all but
ran to the back.
She re-emerged with a white mug and made her way towards
the young man Mamoru had noticed earlier. He watched the pair
converse for a few minutes, Usagi undoubtedly apologizing for her
absentmindedness, and noticed the way the man spoke to her. His
body language seemed to scream his devotion to the young woman,
but she didn't seem to notice.
Usagi looked across to where Mamoru was seated and made a
gesture. Mamoru tore his eyes from their direction, and stared
at the table top instead. He felt something tighten in his stomach
and wondered when Usagi was coming back.
"Sorry, Mamoru. I can't believe I forgot his order!" She
laughed and slid back into her seat.
"If he came to visit you, don't you want to spend time with
him?" Mamoru asked, taking another sip of his almost empty cup.
"No, I don't think he came just to see me. Besides, you
came." Usagi shrugged, and Mamoru felt the thrill of victory, though
he wasn't sure why.
"Oh." He drained his cup.
"Do you want some more?" Usagi asked.
"You don't have to jump to get me more coffee all the time,
Usagi." Mamoru laughed softly.
"Yes I do. That's my job!" Usagi smiled. "That's the
first time you've ever used me name."
"Well, I... I'm sorry..." Mamoru was at a loss for what to say.
"No, don't be sorry. It's... It's nice to hear you say it."
She blushed and looked away. "I'll get your coffee."
She took his cup, their fingers brushing, but Usagi wouldn't
look him in the eye. She walked over the counter and poured a
fresh cup of coffee, pausing to talk to one of the other waitresses
as she did.
Mamoru couldn't tell what she was saying, but the other waitress
was obviously flustering her. Usagi's cheeks were stained a bright
red, and she cast a look at Mamoru. The waitress laughed and Usagi
shook her head before turning back towards Mamoru.
Usagi set the mug in front of him and slid into the seat across
from him. Before Mamoru could say anything, the young man approached
the table.
"Usagi? Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked, barely
glancing at Mamoru.
"Sure." Usagi smiled and looked at him expectantly.
"In private maybe?" He asked casting another glance in Mamoru's
direction.
"Anything you can say to me, you can say to Mamoru, Seiya." he
told her friend.
"Oh, are you two..?" He gestured between the two.
"No." Mamoru shook his head and sipped his coffee..
"Are you free tomorrow at lunch, Usagi?" He asked.
"Yes, I am." She beamed up at him.
"Can I meet you for lunch then?" He asked. "At your locker
after biology."
"Sure thing Seiya."
"Then I'll see you then?"
"Uh-huh." Usagi nodded, and Seiya smiled before walking away.
"I told you he likes you." Mamoru muttered as soon as Seiya was
out of hearing range. Usagi laughed.
"He doesn't like me. We're just friends."
"I've heard that line before." Mamoru sighed inwardly. Something
about Seiya's interest in Usagi didn't sit well with him, but he
wasn't sure what.
"I dunno, Mamoru." Usagi shrugged. "It doesn't matter either
way really. I don't feel anything more than friendship for Seiya."
Mamoru nodded and sipped his coffee, a feeling of relief
washing over him.
Mamoru sat in his apartment, with the lights off, watching
the storm building outside. He leaned back against the cool leather
couch, focusing on the turmoil raging within and without.
During the past few months, Usagi became far more important
to him than he had expected her, or anyone, to become. It wasn't
right, but Mamoru didn't know what to do.
A knock at his door startled him, and Mamoru sighed. He wondered
who would be coming to his apartment so late, and in such rainy
weather. He stood up and opened the door, half expecting one of the
neighbors to be complaining about something or another.
"Hey Mamoru! How've you been?" Motoki walked right into the
apartment and took his shoes off. He hung his soaking jacket up in
Mamoru's closet before flopping down on the couch.
"Motoki, that's leather..." Mamoru sighed, knowing that his
couch would never be the same.
"Since you decided that it's no longer important to visit your
best friend, or return his phone calls, I decided I'd better just
drop in on you." Motoki sat up and looked at Mamoru, hurt present
in his eyes. "Did I do something?"
Mamoru sat in the chair across from Motoki and sighed once
more before shaking his head.
"No, it's me. It's entirely me." He ran his hand through his
hair. "Look, it's a long story, and..."
"And I've got all night. If you think I'm going back out in
that storm without hearing the entire story, you've got another thing
coming." Motoki made himself more comfortable.
"I don't even know where to begin."
"Try the beginning of the story Mamoru." Motoki's voice practically
dripped with sarcasm.
"Alright, the beginning. You remember Angel, don't you?" Mamoru
asked, looking up at Motoki.
"How could I forget? She nearly destroyed you."
"I thought she was so great, the best thing that ever happened
to me. That could ever happen to me. Then she..." Mamoru paused
to gather his thoughts. "A few months ago, I ended up in a little
coffee shop a few blocks away. I had been walking, and it had started
to rain. I dashed in to get out of the rain. I was seated, looking
outside, watching the rain drops slide down the window when a
waitress brought me my coffee. She had been incredibly cheerful,
like she loved life even in the rain. And when I looked up at her,
I recognized her."
"You mean, you'd met her before?"
"Yes, but I knew her on a deeper level. There was something
about her..." Mamoru's voice trailed off as he was pulled back into
the memory of the day. The turmoil of emotions that had washed over
him when his eyes had met hers was still fresh in his mind.
"Where did you know her from then, Mamoru?" Motoki asked,
interrupting his reverie.
"I had met her months before. Before Angel had died, at
Angel's home." Mamoru looked Motoki in the eye. "Her name was
Usagi, and she was Angel's sister."
"Angel's sister?" Motoki echoed.
"She spoke to me about Angel. We spent hours talking about
Angel, and about life. Usagi asks me about my hopes and dreams, and
she shares hers with me. I seem to be spending all my time there,
with Usagi. I can't seem to stay away. I think maybe I..." Mamoru
halted and looked up at Motoki. "Usagi is the most amazing woman
I have ever met."
Mamoru saw the shock rock through Motoki as the full meaning
of what Mamoru had said hit him. It was at the moment that Motoki
realized what Mamoru was saying that Mamoru realized it too.
He was in love with Usagi.
Before anything further could be said, someone knocked at the
front door. Both men jumped, and Mamoru's cheeks darkened with red.
He'd never been so open with his emotions before.
Deciding that whoever was at the door was a welcome reprieve
from the conversation, Mamoru opened the door. His jaw dropped at
the sight that greeted him.
Usagi was standing in his doorway, dripping wet. Her long
hair was plastered to her face and body. Her clothes were completely
drenched, and she was shivering.
"Usagi!" He exclaimed before grabbing her arm and pulling her
into his apartment. "What were you doing out there? You must be
freezing!"
Without giving her time to reply, he had peeled off her jacket
and shoes. Tossing them aside, he'd grabbed a towel from his linen
closet and wrapped her in it.
Motoki watched, very interested, from the couch. He'd never
seen Mamoru act so concerned about someone else before.
"Motoki, can you put on the kettle please? Usagi, have a seat
here, and try to get warm. I'll go see what clothes I've got that
you can wear while we dry yours." Mamoru practically shoved Usagi
onto the couch Motoki had just vacated, and was headed to his bedroom
when Usagi finally spoke.
"Mamoru."
He froze and turned to look at her. It was then that he
realized she wasn't shaking from just the cold. Tears were coursing
down her cheeks.
"Usagi..." He whispered. "What's wrong?"
He knelt before her, worry written all over his handsome features.
Usagi couldn't saying anything. She just thrust a book she had been
holding towards him.
Puzzled, Mamoru took it from her, barely glancing at the cover
before looking up at her again.
"What is this?" He asked.
"Read it." She choked out. "Page fifteen."
Mamoru opened the book and flipped to page fifteen. His eyes
widened as they made their way down the page. It was a journal. Angel's
journal.
"Where did you get this?" His voice was hoarse with shock.
"It was hidden in my room." Usagi whispered. "She hid it in
my room."
"She.. It.. I..." Mamoru didn't even know where to begin.
"There's an entry about me, several." Usagi sobbed. "She...
God... Angel!"
Usagi couldn't contain her anguish any longer. She threw
herself into Mamoru's arms and just cried. Mamoru let the book
fall, and held Usagi tightly against him as she wept.
Motoki stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching the
two closely. Usagi seemed to bring out the best in Mamoru. She
opened him up, let him express himself without fear. And she did
it all unwittingly.
Motoki shook his head and quietly slipped past the pair towards
the door. They would want, and need, their privacy.
"What does it say Usa? What did Angel say?" Mamoru whispered
as he gently rocked the sobbing girl. Her sobs began to subside and
she pulled far enough away from Mamoru to look into his eyes.
"Angel... She wrote about you. She said that she hoped that
you would... God Mamoru. She wasn't okay. She was never okay. Angel
wasn't happy here, and she wanted to make others suffer as much as
she did. She wanted... She wanted you to suffer with her." Sobs
wracked Usagi's body once more causing her to stop telling him. It
was tearing her apart that her much-loved Saeru had been in so
much pain.
"Usa... Shhh... You don't have to tell me. It's okay..." Mamoru
soothed her, rubbing her back in small circles.
"Angel..." Usagi took a deep breath before continuing. "Angel
wanted to die for a long time. From almost the beginning of the diary
she talks about it. She said that she couldn't do it, she couldn't
leave me without my Angel. She couldn't just abandon me. She was
afraid of what it would do to me. She was so worried about *me*,
Mamoru. She was worried about me."
Usagi deteriorated in tears once more, this time unable
to stop. It was too much for her to handle, and all Mamoru
could do was hold her.
Hours later, Mamoru sat on his sofa, a sleeping Usagi curled up
in his arms, reading the black leather bound book.
June 18 - It's Usagi's birthday soon. I wonder what she
Wants for her present... Probably a stuffed animal, a small bunny
or something. You'd never guess that she was turning fourteen, but
that's her charm. She's just so... She's Usagi! What more could
anyone be?
I spent the evening at Mamoru's again. When I got home,
Usagi just gave me her sad blue eyes. Doesn't she know it's for
the best? If I'm around, I might poison her soul, her purity.
She's too good for this world. She's such an innocent, never
suspecting anything bad about anyone.
I wonder how things would have been if I'd been more like
her. Would I be happy? Would I be able to love? Would I bring
joy to others lives? Would Mamoru be able to love me?
I do love him, but he deserve someone better than me. He'd
be better off with Usagi, but he's strong. He can handle me, and
support me so I can hang on. And I have to hang on. For Usagi...
Mamoru shut his eyes. Angel knew, all along, she knew!
They were never destined to be together, and she knew that he
had never really and truly, loved her. She knew long before he
did.
He flipped a few pages ahead to the 30, Usagi's birthday.
June 30 - Happy Birthday Usa! Make a wish... She's so happy
she's finally fourteen. Don't wish your life away Usa, make the
best of it and live it to it's fullest. At least one of us has
a future.
Mamoru keeps trying to make it work. He wants to do things
normal couples do. We are far from normal, the two of us. He doesn't
understand yet, and I'm almost afraid to see what will happen when
he does. He's the strongest person I know, and I hope he can be
there for her when I...
If Mamoru ever gets his hands on this, I want him to know
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever involved him, and I'm sorry he couldn't
love me. I can't blame him for that. I'm also sorry I had to use
his apartment... There was no where else I could... I didn't want
Usa to find me. Not like that. I want her to remember me like... It
doesn't matter. It's not important anymore.
Angel adored Usagi, much in the same way Usagi adored Angel.
If only Angel hadn't been so... Mamoru didn't know. It didn't make
sense that Angel was so self-destructive! She loved Usagi, she had
someone to cling to if she needed anything, but Angel chose not to.
Angel chose to die.
'Angel was never happy here. It was almost as if she was
really from the Heaven's, and the burden of gravity, something we
take for granted, was too much for her. I used to think that she
was unhappy being away from God...'
Usagi's words echoed in Mamoru's head. She was right. Angel
hadn't been happy from the start. It was no one's fault, and nothing
could have been done to stop her. She lived with so many boundaries,
too many boundaries.
July 25 - I remembered today, the day that Usa started calling
me Angel instead of Saeru. She had just said it, like it was nothing
to be calling me an Angel. It made me feel good, like I was worthy
to be her sister, to know her.
Yesterday I yelled at her, telling her my name wasn't Angel
and she had better stop calling me that. Her eyes filled with tears
and hurt, and it felt like a bullet to me. She nodded and ran up to
her room. She doesn't understand that I'm not that good, that I'm
no Angel. God wouldn't want me. I'm not good, or pure, or sweet
or anything like her. She is angelic, and with her as competition
there would be no other contender.
To have her think so highly of me... I'm not. Sometimes I
wish she would bicker with me and get mad at me like everyone else's
sister, but then she would be Usagi, and without Usagi...
Mamoru shut the journal and set it on the sofa beside him.
It was too much.
"Forgive me, Angel. Forgive me for not loving you the
way you deserved to be loved, and forgive me for finding that
love for Usagi." Mamoru whispered to the dark night.
The bright sunshine woke Mamoru the next morning, and
he found himself sitting on his couch in a very uncomfortable
position. Usagi was still lying in his arms, huddled tightly
against him to ward off the chill of her still damp clothes.
He watched her for a few moments. A peaceful expression
had covered her features while she slept, but Mamoru could still
see the streaks left by the tears. It had been hard on her to
read Angel's diary, and harder still to share it with him.
Although he loved her, Mamoru had no idea how Usagi felt about
him.
Pushing away the thought, Mamoru contented himself with
watching her sleep. She was absolutely beautiful, and Mamoru
knew that Angel had been wrong. Usagi's was a kind of beauty
that would last, because it was a beauty born within. It was
the beauty of her soul.
"Usagi?" Mamoru's lips brushed her ear softly, and she
stirred but did not awaken. He smiled at her still form, and
his arms tightened around her. His mind began to imagine waking
up every morning with this beauty in his arms.
After a few moments more of watching her, Mamoru gently
Lifted her so that he could slip out from underneath her. He
made his way into the kitchen to make some coffee, in hopes of
waking himself more fully.
While waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, Mamoru
walked back into the living room but froze when he got to the
doorway.
Usagi was fast asleep in the space he had recently
vacated. She was curled up tightly, her head resting on
the edge of the couch. He smiled at the charming sight
she made before going back into the kitchen to pour his
cup of coffee.
Mamoru and Motoki sat at a small table near a
window. Mamoru was gazing out the window, waiting
for Usagi to come in to work and half listening to
Motoki.
"Reika wanted to know if you were going to be
able to make it to dinner this weekend. Maybe bring
a certain special someone for her to meet?" Motoki
grinned.
"Uh-huh, yeah, maybe..." Mamoru nodded absentmindedly.
"And then you can take over the world, make
contact with space aliens, and breed blue cows." Motoki
added, an eye brow raised in Mamoru's direction.
"If I can." Mamoru nodded again and turned to
look at Motoki. "I'm not too sure about the blue cows
though." He grinned.
"So you were listening." Motoki laughed. "I
thought for sure that Usagi was completely occupying
your thoughts."
"No, I was paying attention. It looks like
it's going to rain though." Mamoru glanced back outside
at the darkening sky.
"It does look like rain. I'd better get going.
I'm supposed to meet Reika at the library in half an hour
and I'm not looking forward to getting soaked. See ya
later Mamoru." Motoki stood up and headed towards the door.
"Bye Motoki." Mamoru watched Motoki push open the
café door, and let it fall closed behind him before
turning his attention back to the window. Rain drops
began falling, sliding down the window pane.
"Hey Mamoru."
Mamoru looked up to see Usagi standing in
front of his table, a tray clasped to her chest. A
faint blush stained her cheeks as she looked at him.
"Hi." He smiled. "When did you get here?"
"When you were busy watching the rain." Usagi's
eyes flickered to the streaked window.
"Oh." He smiled again.
"How come no one took your order?" She asked,
sitting in the seat Motoki had only just vacated.
"I'm not sure." Mamoru shrugged. "But coffee
would be nice."
"Sure, no problem." Usagi stood up to get the
coffee, but paused. "I'm really sorry about falling
asleep on you like that the other night. I shouldn't
have even..."
"Don't worry about it, Usa." Mamoru's blue eyes
gazed into hers. "It's okay."
"Oh. Okay..." She blushed again. "I'll go get
the coffee."
"Thanks." As she walked away, Mamoru turned his
attention back to the weather and his thoughts.
The day reminded him of the first time he had met
Usagi in the café, but his mood had been so different then.
She had really changed him in the few short months they had
known each other. It was incredible, the effect she had had
on him.
Mamoru closed his eyes to the weather and his surroundings.
He knew that he wanted to keep Usagi in his life, and he knew
that he loved her, but could he expect that of her? Could he
even let her know that he cared so deeply for her? Would it be
fair to her?
"Here's your coffee." Usagi set the mug in front of him.
"Is something wrong?"
"I was just thinking." Mamoru replied, looking up at her.
"About what?"
"The weather. How much it's like the first time we met
here."
"Yeah, it is." Usagi nodded and sat down across from him,
her eyes glued to the street outside.
"I think that's the only thing that is the same about
today, and that day." Mamoru continued, his eyes on Usagi's
face.
"What do you mean?" She turned to look at him.
"I originally came here to get out of the rain that
fateful day."
"Fateful?" She echoed.
"Yes. I hadn't really expected to meet you, or anyone
like you. I mean, you changed my life. You changed me."
Mamoru paused.
"What are you talking about, Mamoru?" Her voice was
unsteady, almost as though she was afraid of what was going
to come. The storm was steadily increasing in magnitude.
Lightening flashed across the sky, illuminating the dark
clouds.
"Usa," Mamoru reached across the table to gently take
one of her hands into his. He could feel her trembling at
his touch. "Usa, I'm in love with you."
Her blue eyes widened in shock, staring up at him
for what felt like an eternity. Suddenly, she snatched
her hand away from him, and jumped up from the chair,
knocking it backwards. Rain hit the window in a frenzied
torrent.
"No!" Anger crossed her features, then hurt. "No!"
"Usa..." Mamoru stood up and began to move towards her.
"No! Stay away from me! I can't believe you! What is
this? You can't have Angel so you'll take the next best thing?"
"No, Usa. It's nothing like that." Mamoru reached a
hand out to her. "I..."
"I think you'd better leave, Mamoru." Usagi lowered her
voice. Customers had been staring, and the other waitresses
had been watching, startled at her outburst.
"Usa, I'm not leaving. Not until you understand
that I love you, and only you."
"Mamoru, I'm not Angel. I'll never be Angel."
Tears filled her eyes. "You can't love me... Not the
way you loved her."
"But I didn't love her. I never loved Angel,
not really. I love you, and only you." Mamoru
closed the space between them, and pulled her against
him. "I don't want anyone but you." He whispered
against her hair.
"Mamoru, I..." She sobbed against him, clutching
him close to her.
"Usa, I love you." He held her tightly, and
she clung to him, crying. "Don't cry, Usa. Don't
cry. I would never have told you if I had known
it would make you cry..."
"Mamoru, I..." She gulped in air, trying to calm
her tears and looked up at him. "I love you too. I
just thought you could never love me. Not after Angel..."
"Enough about Saeru." Mamoru interrupted. "It's
time to put her behind us. She would have wanted it that
way."
Usagi nodded, her eyes never leaving Mamoru's. They
stood, clinging to each other, in the middle of the café,
neither willing to let the other go. The world around them
seemed to fade away, leaving nothing but the two of them.
And as quickly as the storm had started, it was over.
The sun began to chase the dismal clouds away, and shed light
on the wet ground. The only sign left that there had been
a storm at all, was the dampness in the air.
Slowly Mamoru lowered his head, his lips barely
brushing Usagi's. She responded immediately, wrapping
her arms around his neck to pull his lips more firmly
against her own.
"Usako..." He murmured against her lips. The kiss
ended, but neither let go. Mamoru let his cheek rest
against her hair, and Usagi had buried her face in his
chest.
"I love you, Usako. You chase my loneliness, and
replace it with happiness. You fill an emptiness in my
heart and in my soul. You are the true Angel in my life."
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