Let's be honest; some people are simple wastes of air. P.C. rhetoric and gooey affirmation about individual worth aside, some people are complete morons. Their actions are the fodder of drunken dinner party stories and high school nostalgia.

The Darwin Awards have made quite a little business out of celebrating the often fatal idiocy of humans. Initially an internet site, they now have two books, t-shirts, and coffee mugs all devoted to stories of how humans have improved the global gene pool by removing themselves from it. Many people exposed on this website committed actions of such profound stupidity that it has to be asked whether some of them were really just trying to add a splash of pizazz to their suicide attempts.

The Darwin Awards also wisely separates stories into categories of 'verified,' 'unconfirmed,' or 'urban myths.' I checked out the top 20 verified stores as voted by readers. Strangely enough, my three favorites all involve people who actually survived their tempting of natural selection.

1. An L.A. truck driver tied 45 helium-filled balloons to his favorite lawn chair with the intent of floating around for a bit, eating sandwiches and drinking beer, before using his pellet gun to burst a couple of balloons and sink back down to earth. Instead of a peaceful afternoon in the sky, the truck driver cut the rope holding him to the ground and shot straight up. He didn't stop until he reached 16000 feet, where he spent 14 terrified hours before drifting into airspace monitored by L.A. air traffic control. The truck driver eventually found the courage to shoot at some of the balloons and downed himself in some power lines, surviving, but finding the police waiting for him on the ground.

2. A Pennsylvania carpenter was using a high-powered saw during the renovation of a client's basement when his hand slipped and the saw sliced through his wrist, taking his hand clean off. Instead of screaming for help, the carpenter picked up the pneumatic nail gun and in a self-negating panic attack, fired a dozen or so 1 inch nails into his head. He was later found by the client's dog and taken to the hospital where his hand was reattached and the nails pulled out of his skull.

3. A volunteer at the Prairie Wind Animal Refuge was showing off the latest arrival; a Siberian tiger. Apparently, the volunteer failed to take into account that the new tiger might not be as domesticated as the others, and during a presentation to tourists, she affectionately reached into the tiger's cage and stroked its face. The tiger ripped her arm out of its socket and swallowed it. The arm was never recovered from the tiger's stomach, but the woman lived.

Though my favorites don't reflect it, most stories result in the demise of the subject. There are also recurring themes: loss of limbs, attempts at masturbation using strange implements, or the failure to remember that certain substances are extremely flammable. So next time you're down because you walked around all day with your fly open, or threw up on someone at a party, check out www.darwinawards.com and remember that some people don't even live to be embarrassed.

For more evidence against at least 'intelligent' design, we direct you to the the Darwin Awards site.