The Garfields were getting rather restless. It seemed that their main purpose in life, as far as you can call it life - they are after all merely oracular stuffed toys, was to amuse children. Peter-Bowman had been a child briefly, but he was worried that he most likely had lost the knack due to his recently discovered ability to correctly fold laundry. He may have been right at that. Peter-Bowman was certain that he had never actually been a child within these pages, though of course he had thought about being a child at length, and his own childhood specifically, in his association with the dentist. The Garfields did not feel that this really qualified him to reap the full benefits of being a child in the presence of stuffed toys of their magnificence. Peter-Bowman did try saying 'Wheeee!' a few times, and even went so far as to build a fort out of phone books. He hid in his fort and thumbed his nose at passers by. He even told fart jokes. During this period, the Garfields looked on in disdain as only Garfields can, and eventually told him that that was not what they had meant at all. 'You see, being a childish idiot is not the same as being a child', they explained at length. For a moment, Peter-Bowman thought he may have grasped the notion as he found their protracted speech incredibly boring and rather pointless, but then he inadvertently became interested and began asking insightful questions such as 'Well, yes. But what does it all mean, when you come right down to it, from an existential point of view?'

None of the Garfields was much impressed by this. 'Go have some children,' they told him. 'We have needs too you know. Here we are, slaving away in a hot phone box (which you've never bothered to properly air condition - you saved that trick for your own hands and feet, never a thought of our paws getting all sweaty, it's not easy to hang on to the walls here with sweaty paws you know) to bring you insightful and informative oracular advice. The least you can do is give us some children.'

Peter-Bowman thought long and hard on the problem of children. It seemed to be a bad idea to try and lure them into his phone box with promises of toys and candy. It wasn't a lie - Peter-Bowman could afford truck loads of both. For some reason though, children approached with the offer tended to either run away screaming or attempt to bite his leg. Peter-Bowman was certain he didn't want to have anything to do with those types of children at any rate.

Suddenly he remembered his parents. Not so much their faces or names or the time they patched up his leg when he was bitten by an elephant (though it may be the biting that made the necessary connection). Peter-Bowman remembered that their had been two of them. He realised what a fool he had been. Of course the children would bite his leg and run away screaming. There was only one of him after all. In order to grow children he would obviously have to become two.

Several preliminary experiments with an axe failed to convince him that this was the right way of going about matters. Peter-Bowman thought hard, but couldn't seem to remember a time when he had only one parent that subsequently became two. There were the two of them, and then there was the none of them. Peter-Bowman suspected his parents were much better at this then he was. He huddled a bit in his phone box, wiggling his toes. This woke the Garfields, who were becoming rather bored with the whole process. Peter-Bowman explained his dilemma.

The Garfields blinked slowly. In unison. Peter-Bowman was so fascinated that he asked them to do it again. They refused but became so frustrated with Peter-Bowman that they inadvertently did it anyway. Peter-Bowman clapped enthusiastically. 'You need a wife', said the Garfields, when Peter-Bowman had returned to his huddle. 'First comes love, then comes marriage, then along comes Peter-Bowman with a baby carriage'. The Garfields were exceedingly sure of this as they had heard it mentioned often in the playground where they had lived before Peter-Bowman had picked them up for a bargain at a playground liquidation sale.

'Well,' said Peter-Bowman. 'I have already achieved the first step through my love of the Girl.' The Garfields were unsure of this, but nodded gingerly anyway. 'So what I need is the marriage. I assume that children can then be grown in baby carriages as required?' The most educated among the Garfields drew in a deep breath and slowly released it before it realised that as a stuffed oracular toy there was really no need to do so. It did enjoy the drama, however. 'I think it's a little more technical than' was all the most educated Garfield got out of it's mouth before Peter-Bowman concluded his assumptions.

'Obviously, the thing to do, in order to keep you beloved oracularities happy, is to get me a wife.' Peter-Bowman left the phone box. The Garfields looked at each other. 'Um', they said. Suddenly the Garfields discovered that looking at each other was in fact the single thing they least wanted to do at this time, and began to look at each other out of the corner of their eyes instead. This was a much more effective means of communication. 'Bugger', said the Garfields.

Outside the phone box, Peter-Bowman surveyed the foot path. There were numerous people, male and female, walking up and down. It occurred to Peter-Bowman that he had neglected to enquire of the Garfields whether his wife should be a man or a woman. 'I can solve this problem through a process of strict logic,' thought Peter-Bowman to himself. 'This will leave the capacities of the Garfields more open to cope with any serious difficulties that I may have in the future. Now let me think.'

This is what Peter-Bowman thought:

I am a man.

As a man, I am exceedingly logical, rational, and given to arranging my socks in drawers.

Women are rather nice really. They often smell of cake.

Do women arrange their socks in drawers or in some kind of feminine sock arranging device?

Would it be useful to invent an ingenious feminine sock arranging device?

Do women wear socks?

Is there room for an ingenious feminine sock arranging device in my phone box?

What about the lavatory requirements?

Isn't that a friendly looking poodle?

Baths?

On the whole, Peter-Bowman's train of thought delivered him to the belief that he wasn't really ready for a live in relationship with a woman at the moment, and so it would be much more sensible to pick a man as his wife. He already understood the needs of men after all, and the lack of privacy within the confines of his phone box would be less of a problem. His understanding was that women required complete privacy when changing clothes, taking a bath, or going to the lavatory. Then there were the sleeping arrangements to be dealt with. Peter-Bowman thought that he could perhaps rig up some sort of curtain to provide a private bedroom for his wife if his wife was a woman so as to prevent her the sleepless nights that would be certainly the case if she was forced to share a bedroom with him and concern herself over the propriety of the matter. It seemed a little excessive and liable to cause problems with the neighbours. Really the whole thing seemed far too complicated. Better to marry a man really and toss the complications on the bonfire.

There were many eligible bachelors taking the air that evening. Peter-Bowman approached several with offers of marriage. For some reason none of them seemed to take to the idea. He let them pass with a sly old dog comment about sowing wild oats. Most of them looked at him a little oddly in a manner that left Peter-Bowman somewhat nonplussed. He was certain that this was the correct response among men when a marriage proposal was declined, so could not quite understand why several of his potential wives took off at a jog after he spoke to them. 'Must be something to do with their health,' thought Peter-Bowman to himself. Attempts to join them in their jogs were unsuccessful. When Peter-Bowman began to take them up on the offer of a brisk run - after all, married couples should share one another's interests - and jog after them, they frequently produced a turn of speed that left Peter-Bowman feeling quite winded and discouraged. After several days of chasing unsuccessfully after single men, Peter-Bowman had had enough.

'It's no good,' he thought to himself. Despite my logical process, I shall have to go with a woman. Having thought this, Peter-Bowman asked the next woman to walk past his phone box to marry him. She promptly agreed. As a result of this, Peter-Bowman became an adherent of the belief that women were very easy to marry. I'm afraid to say that the Garfields rather encouraged him in this belief. After all, time was getting on, and they weren't young Garfields anymore.