The NNW Garfield suggested it. There was always bank robbery of course. There always is bank robbery. It is the answer to a number of life's difficulties. It has served me in good stead many times. The obvious 'Need money? Rob a bank!', the obscure 'Aardvarks attacked? Rob a bank', the domestic 'Need a bed? Rob a bank (unsuccessfully)!' You yourself must know how useful it can be. But then Peter-Bowman remembered that I don't like my jeans to be ironed. 'Ironed your authors jeans? Rob a bank!' It doesn't quite work does it? I told you that Peter-Bowman was insane. I must admit it's close but it lacks something. However 'Looking for a work of life? Rob a bank!' does have a certain ring to it.

Many successful people have chosen bank robbery as a work of life. Often they get made into movies. I've always thought that this must be painful. I assume some form of anaesthetic is used before the rollers stretch you out and cut you into individual frames, but still. I'm always concerned about which bits they cut out. Or off, depending on the audience they're aiming at. It must be said that such concerns didn't enter into Peter-Bowman's mind as he set about looking for a bank to rob.

His first effort was not particularly successful. He was rather simplistic in his methods. One day he went out to buy some bread and milk, and decided to start his magnificent career as a bank robber on the way. The first bank he came to was his target.

'Right then. This is a bank robbery. My name is Peter-Bowman, occasionally. Give me the cash bags.'

On being told that Target was not actually a bank, Peter-Bowman went and sulked in a briar bush for awhile. I think he was particularly upset at the staff giving him tips on bank robbery, such as 'Are you a complete idiot? This is not a bank. Even if it was, you're going about it all wrong. Threatening people with a loaf of bread just makes you look silly. And you went and told me your name Mr Occasionally. And you don't even have a mask on so I can't recognise you in a line up. And where did you come up with 'cash bags'? Would you go away now please? Price check on womens underwear.'

This sort of thing is very upsetting to the young potential mastermind bank robbery criminal type. Even if they are mad. Especially the insinuation that he wore womens underwear. That was purely a matter of comfort, nothing more. He thought that he might as well pick up a couple of bras during his bank robbery. They were on sale, after all. Two for one. How could any man resist such a deal?

Peter-Bowman's second attempt to enter the field of bank robbery was much more successful. His first step was learning to read. To a certain level. Once he'd mastered four letter words, one of the Garfields told him that the word 'bank' only had four letters in it, so that was certainly enough to prevent the previous mistake. Peter-Bowman was proud of his ability, and proclaimed his pride as he walked down the street in search of his work of life.

'I can read four letter words,' he said to all. His proclamation gained him few followers. One man quipped 'Well, that's just great. I can write four letter words on toilet walls.' Peter-Bowman filed this piece of information regarding writing four letter words on toilet walls away as something that he should perhaps look into to complete his work of life. After all, Auntie Em had decreed that his work of life should be suitable for such display. He asked the man for his personal details, so as to follow up this clue later if the bank robbery didn't work out. The man was not very responsive, but Peter-Bowman decided a search of the surrounding public lavatories might prove useful. He made a note in his personal diary 'x'. Since this was the only letter Peter-Bowman had ever learned to produce reliably, his diary was exceedingly cryptic.

I must break in here to provide you with an excerpt from Peter-Bowman's diary. If we are ever to understand the man, it seems at least possible that understanding his writings is a good first step. Here then, is the critical section of Peter-Bowman's diary, as he wrote in it the day he first understood what his work of life really should be. This is after he spoke to the old man on the bus. It is essential to understand this. If you do not understand this diary entry, you will never understand who Peter-Bowman was, who he became, nor how he achieved his work of life. Here then, is the crucial entry:

x xxx x x x x x x xxxxxx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xxx xx xx xx xx xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x

I must implore you to understand. It holds the key not just to the life of Peter-Bowman, but to your own life, indeed the lives of everybody on this planet. If you can understand this diary entry from Peter-Bowman, then immediately, you understand everything. Everything is explained in this diary entry. Please study it carefully. This is not a joke, I'm being completely serious here. The answer to any question you care to ask is contained in this single diary entry from Peter-Bowman. The meaning of life? (Such an obvious question). It's answered in the 84th x. I hope you can see how obvious this is. Otherwise I am afraid that there is no hope for you beyond the traditional life of quiet desperation. Have fun.

Having discovered that a building labelled 'bank' was more likely to be a bank than a building labelled 'Target', Peter-Bowman began his career in bank robbery in earnest. Surprisingly, he was rather good at it. I had expected him to be incredibly bad, and perhaps learn the lesson that crime doesn't pay, and so on. Instead, he took to it like a duck (It's a little known fact that ducks make very good bank robbers. This is largely because it's a little known fact. Studies show that most bank tellers confronted with a standard mallard are extremely unlikely to hit the alarm button, even if the mallard is holding a rather alarming piece of weaponry. A duck could walk into a bank holding some sort of highly advanced anti-tank gun and raise very few eyebrows. This is because ducks do not have eyebrows. Have you ever heard of a duck being arrested for bank robbery? No? You should think carefully about the reasons you haven't heard).

Like a duck, Peter-Bowman strode into the first 'bank' he came across and fell into the river. It was lucky that he was behaving in a duck like fashion at the time, as he had never learned to swim. His loud quacking brought a multitude of people to watch as the local constabulary pulled him from the mud.

'You want to be careful of that sir.' said the good cop as the bad cop hit Peter-Bowman with a length of rubber hose. 'Might get people thinking you're a bit odd, like.'

Having never seen rubber stockings before, Peter-Bowman was at a loss for words. He did manage to pull out his diary and carefully note down the address as the bad cop continued to hit him. It was at this point that Peter-Bowman decided that bank robbery was not for him, despite the obvious connections that could be made in the comforting rubber womens underwear department. Having never made it so far as to actually enter a bank, it seemed likely that Peter-Bowman's bank robbery career would never really take off. At least until the banks started making home delivery to his phone box. It became obvious that NNW Garfield had lead him astray. So he asked the SSE Garfield for an opinion. He's mad. He really is.