One for the Guys: 1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS. 2. It's not true that married men live longer that single men. It only seems longer. 3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all -money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?"asked the friend. "My wife found out..." 5 Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 6. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, " I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon.!" 7. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful. 8. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 monthes--I don't like to interrupt her. 9. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
One for the Ladies: 1. Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough. 2. Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory. 3. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. 4. Men are like chocolate bars...sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for you hips. 5. Men are like coffee...the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. 6. Men are like horoscopes...they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. 7. Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. 8. Men are like laxatives...They irritate the sh... out of you. 9. Men are like parking spots...The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped. 10. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Here's one that can go either way:
What should you give a wo/man who has everything? A wo/man to show him/her how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
What do you do with a bachelor/ette who thinks he/she is God's gift to wo/men? Exchange him/her.
Why do wo/men like smart wo/men? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
What is the difference between wo/men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What do men and pop bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened.
What do you call a wo/man with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you call a wo/man in a tree with a briefcase? Branch Manager.
What goes VARRRROOMM...SKREEECH...VARROOOM...SKREEECH...VARROO.. ..women drivers at a flashing red light.