Okay, enough with the history lesson. The point of all this was to introduce you to Video King™, the establishment who in turn introduced me to a cornucopia of childhood favorites... and if you're wondering what a cornucopia is, I don't have "Webster's" tattooed on my forehead, so I suggest you figure it out yourself before you wind up with one of said tattoos on your own face... As I was saying, lots of great videos to waste my time. From Inspector Gadget to Super-Ted to Danger Mouse to The Incredible Hulk to He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, I had my helping of more than enough videos to keep me busy. At that time, the extent of my exposure to Japanese animation was limited to the established Voltron and a certain dinosaur related amalgamation of genres (and animation styles) by the name of Attack Of The Supermonsters. Over the years, through Video King™'s various back-and-forth ownerships and need to clear shelf space for all their newer releases, this wonderful, mind contaminating videotape fell off of my radar and disappeared, probably into the hands of some stupid little child who ruined the video, or into the hands of a money hungry collector who just wanted to hold onto it until they could sell it for an exhorbant amount to some poor schmuck like myself. Well, if that's the case, then I wave my Manhattan salute in their direction, because I finally got me a copy and it was free! Wahoo! More on that after the review...

Back in the '70s, this was a Japanese television series that didn't really rise to the occasion like other programs from the land of the rising sun did at the time... "rise"? "Land of the rising sun"? Pure coincidence, I assure you. In addition to the cultural barriers it had going against it, the series also did some mixing and matching of animation styles that probably alienated a lot of the target audience: the kiddies. We get a little of everything really, from standard cel animation to puppeteering to "Thunderbirds"-esque remote control vehicles and planes on fishing line to everybody's favorite Japanese export: kaiju pantomime, with a little claymation to round it off, all thrown together to make some fantasyville gumbo. The story goes like this: in the year 2000, you might have overlooked a little something called the return of the dinosaurs. No, I'm not talking about Jurassic Park III, but the cracking open of the Earth's crust to reveal the end of hibernation for those 70 million year old salamanders known as the dinosaurs... you don't remember? Yeah, they terrorized the world like a bad episode of "Ultraman"... you still don't remember? Huh, maybe you should see a doctor for this apparent amnesia you're suffering, if you're forgetting a thing like the return of gigantic reptiles hell bent on the destruction of humanity...

In the millions and billions o' years since their reclusion into a cave deep beneath the Earth's surface, the dinosaurs' hides have become super thick from the natural pressures found deep under the Earth's surface, as well as evolved the abilities to breathe fire (?!) and communicate telepathically with each other and other species of creatures like dogs, bats and, yes, even humans. They're no longer mere thunder-lizards, but Supermonsters! Not content with living in the basement while the unworthy humans party until all hours of the night on the surface, uncaring that the dinosaurs have to get up at 5:30 the next morning to go to work, the monsters have come topside to kick some ass! As with all races of subterranean beasts, the cold-blooded goons need a leader to carry them into the promised land of devastation and meals on feet. In this case, filling said role is the evil emperor Tyrannus. Not only a fire breathing T-Rex, the emperor also has the ability to hypnotize other creatures into doing his will and transforming them into mankind hating mutants. For example? Tyrannus's first assault against the humans involves turning man's best friend against him... after turning said best friend into ravenous red demon dogs that spread their infection to all the canines in town! However, these killer Cliffords and their reptilian master aren't going to conquer humanity that easily, because we've got the Gemini Command! I have no idea what the Geminis where created for, but whatever it was they've got a new purpose now: stop the supermonsters!

The Command is headed by world renowned biophysicist Dr. John Karmedy, who covers the brain work and strategic planning. Brains won't be enough to stop the dinosaur menace though, so to back up Karmedy's brains is the brawn of the Geminis: Captain Jim Starbuck, his sister Jem Starbuck, Lt. Jerry Fordam and Lt. Wallace Singer. Jim and Jen are the attractive, photogenic leaders of the group, while Jerry's the fat slob and Wallace is the nasally geek. As for their uniforms, the Gemini Command must buy their gear from the same outlet mall that the "Gatchaman" crew shop at, only they couldn't afford the wings and visor accessories... Instead, the Gemini Command's budget went toward their transforming "Thunderbirds"-ian super vehicle the Gemini Attack Module (GAM), that can split into two parts: one a large powerhouse used to tow and crash into things that includes missile barrages and laser cannons; and the other half a smaller cube of a vehicle with flight capability that is also equipped with lasers, in addition to a supply of extinguishing agent to smother fires and a big metal wedge on the front used to make paths through groups of demonstrating hippies, plow driveways for a little extra income in the winter and turn the other half of the module over when it gets knocked around by supermonsters or just turns itself over at random like any other SUV.

The Attack Module isn't the only weapon the Gemini Command has up their rainbow colored spandex sleeves, as their secret weapon (saved for the end of every episode/battle) is the Gemini Mode. Gemini Mode (or 'GM'... screw you General Motors!) involves Jim and Jem (but not the Holograms... girls of the '80s think about that last bad gag) combining to create the world's first and only hermaphroditic super cyborg (well, this side of a Richard O' Brian b-movie sci-fi serial): Gemini! TO quote the narrator, the Gemini Transfer, "allows them to transfer, combine and integrate their mental, spiritual and physical cells, creating one entity of superhuman intelligence and power". Though Gemini himself/herself has no real powers beyond the ability to combine Jem and Jim's uniforms into a lovely Christmas ensemble, he/she does have the ability to transform the rig part of the GAM into the Gemini Wing, meaning it grows wings, a massive drill-bit from it's face and several giant buzzsaws to make julienne fries out of eeeeeevil! But, as with most Japanese super heroes, Gemini's got a time limit, a 3 1/2 minute time limit to be exact, meaning you shouldn't expect to see Gemini at any time before the last 5 minutes of a given episode. Oh yeah, another of the GAM's special functions is something I like to call the "seat switcheroo", that switches the seats around randomly: one minute Wally's behind Jem and the next minute it's Jerry... and since this obviously CANNOT be the fault of the animators or some absurd notion like that, I'm guessing this "seat switcheroo" must play some pivotal role at some point in the story... If you took what I just said seriously, now's the part in the review where you hit yourself over the head with your girlfriend's big chunky "rave girl" shoes until you've had enough time to figure out why you're doing it.

So, anyway, Tyrannus turns a couple of hunting dogs into bloodthirsty red monster pooches and sends them into the city to wreak a terrible vengeance. Meanwhile, Tyrannus, for no apparent reason but to show mother nature she's just a little bitch to the king of the supermonsters, stomps some trees and torches the forest before heading back to his hole in the ground. Getting the news of the monster dog attack (no! Alice Cooper's on the rampage again!), the Gemini Command heads out to take care of the situation, since animal control is unable to deal with a small canine riot. Typical city employees, Godzilla forbid they should go out and earn their bloated paycheck for once. The dogs are defeated easily enough by the GAM's laser cannons, set to "stun" they knock the fidos out and revert them back to their original forms. That's not the end though, because following the failure of his first plan to destroy mankind, Tyrannus does what any good kaiju worth his foam rubber ass would do: head for downtown and start breakin' shit!

When standard Gemini protocol fails to stop Big T, Jim and Jem decide it's time to combine their powers for the Gemini Transfer! Yeah, big deal, they get closer than a brother and sister should anywhere outside of Mason-Dixon territory and turn into a tranny. For their sake I hope Tyrannus is insecure in his sexuality enough to be frightened off by a hermaphrodite, otherwise this is a pointless exercise in sexual ambiguity. Okay, although becoming Gemini may be pointless, the transformation does bring about the souping up of the Attack Module, bringing out it's massive drill bit nose and buzzsaw wings and giving them the power to whoop on the flap-jawed dino-Hitler and his flammable halitosis. Once again proving that Japanese kids get such cooler programming than brats from my day and time zone, the Geminis actually beat Tyrannus by gashing open his throat! No driving him away with laser bolts, no missile barrages to weaken him and make him retreat, no sneaky traps, no magic spells, just a big buzzsaw going Point A to Point B with Point B being Tyrannus's throat! And there isn't even a "Kids, don't try this at home" warning! Times like this make me wish I'd grown up in the country whose icon is a surrender flag with a big paint spot on it... and no, though a surrender flag would be appropriate for them, I'm not talking about France...

Despite getting his jugular eviscerated and seemingly blown up as a result (hmmm, perhaps the supermonsters' weakness is a cavity of C-4 in the windpipe?...), Emperor Tyrannus isn't even close to being done with the humans yet. His next plot involves more mutated wildlife, this time a group of giant bats that he sends out to destroy a power plant. The giant rats with wings are under the leadership of one of T's generals, the Pterodactyl third cousin of Rodan known as, errrr, what's-his-face. While they throw their rubbery selves amidst the high tension wires and towers of the local power facility, Jem and Dr. Karmedy are attending a meeting of the minds to discuss the recent appearance of the super evolved thunder lizards and their bid to take back the Earth... if there's ever been a more appropriate cue for a giant bat attack, I haven't seen it!... unless Lou Diamond Phillips were to suddenly pop his head in...

My C-4 theory is given even more validity when the bats swarm the city and we find they can explode buildings simply by running into them... Other than that though, I find it hard to fit rubber bats on fishing line into the category of "supermonsters", though bats than can open doors should at least rate as "better-than-average-monsters". Jem and Dr. K wind up trapped at the conference building during the attack, leaving the rescue attempt up to Jim, Wally and Jerry. While Ugly Von Fatty and Dorky Von Pussy get in their Gemini 2 and distract the faux-Rodan, Jim picks up his sister in Gemini 1. Reunited (and it feels so good...), Jim and Jem do the Gemini thing once again to create the mighty hermaphrodity (with minor respects to Woody Allen) and dog fight it out with the talking dino-turkey. As for the bench-warming duo, they do what they always do and go off to extinguish some burning buildings somewhere while the big kids play. Speaking of playing, the cold-blooded birdy gets his wings more than clipped when the modified Gemini Attack Module's oscillating nose cone and circular saws shred the beasty's leathery appendages... AND YET HE REMAINS AIRBORNE!? Maybe if Jim and Jem would turn their attack toward the wires above the monster it'd produce the desired results...

Pseudo-Rodan suffers from the C-4 theory too, exploding for no real reason as the day is saved for the second time. But, we all know the peace can't last long in a situation like this, so it's no surprise when Emperor T does what few super villains do: give one of his evil plans a second chance. Yes, whereas most villains are defeated thanx to some loophole or little flaw they overlooked, then completely give up on a once brilliant plan, Tyrannus isn't so neglectful to his ideas... that, or his dinosaur brain lacks the capacity to invent enough fiendish plots to run an entire series beyond throwing a different dinosaur at the world each time... Anyway, Mr. T's regurgitated plan is to turn the rats in the sewer into big red monsters and send them into the world to make cheese out of the populace Food of the Gods style. Again, not an original plan, but who knows, maybe this time the GAM's lasers will be on the fritz and they won't be able to zap the rats like they did the dogs... I hope T's keeping those little useless stick arms of his crossed...

As for Jem Starbuck, her day's not going on the good side of the tracks as she goes out to pick up her dry cleaning (she's the only Gemini who wears something other than her jumpsuit all day) and finds that her favorite blouse has become a rat's chew toy. Listening to her sigh and groan about the ordeal sounds like she's enjoying a trip with a meat thermometer, and I ain't talkin' the type you poke in your turkey... unless you've got a thing for turkeys... Upon returning to Gemini HQ, Jem and Jim get into an argument over the blouse (why, was it Jim's night to wear it?!), setting up for the "if they don't put their petty shit aside then they won't be able to stop the bad guy and save the world!" obligatory plot device about teamwork and accepting each other that will help the kiddies watching later in life long after their parents have split up and reality has shattered everything TV and movies has taught them... yep, personal experience speaks volumes amigos...

I can't help but think that Jim's guitar strumming had something to contribute to the tension of the situation, though had I been Jem, said strumming would've been a tensions LIGHTENER, simply due to the fact that Jim looks ridiculous playing with the thing in his Gemini uniform, haha. Just Jim and his stupid little twang box, hehehe. Oh well, no time for laughing at their fearless leader now, it's time for the Gemini Command to jump into action and exterminate some vermin! The rats aren't the only threats to humanity though, as always Tyrannus sends in some muscle to back them up, this time being the supermonster Stegosaurus Ashtoroth, who controls the rats with the vibrating plates on his back. Yes, I'll always remember him as my friend, the vibrating supermonster... While the gang busies themselves with vibro-saurus, the crimson rodents munch their pathway through soldiers, electrical wires and gas lines, causing explosions and fireballs a'plenty. I want to make a "hot time in the old town tonight" joke, but I'll let my self-control take over for now...

Amidst the chaos, while doing what he does best (extinguishing more fires) Wally bonds with us and tells us his lifelong dream has been to be a firefighter... thanx Wally, for once again solidifying your status as the total dickweed of the Gemini Command. The only hope for the world is for Jim and Jem to set aside their differences and agree to disagree, otherwise they can't form Gemini and destroy Ashtoroth. When Jem sticks to her guns and proves herself a strong female who doesn't need to bend to the will of the penis party, Jim hauls off and bitch slaps her! Sorry kids, no time for finesse and chivalry when cartoon rats and talking rubber dinosaurs have the people by the balls! After saving their mutual friend Mike (the dry cleaner guy), the two finally get their shit straight (more thanx to that slap than Mike's safety I'm betting) and it's Gemini time! After clipping Ash's spines and putting a hole in his guts you could drive a tank through (come to think of it, they DID drive a tank through him!), the supermonster is croaked and the rats wind up hypnotized with sonic waves and marched into a bonfire to be scorched to death... I repeat, no warning label kids!

We jump ahead 3 months now, to a time where the supermonster activity seems to have cooled off greatly. Before I can wonder if the Geminis have job security like a government agency though, a Triceratops appears in the suburbs and the boys (and girl) are back to work! After trouncing the beast, the team once again becomes the object of in-fighting, when Jim and Jerry get into a moral debate over whether they should pursue their fight with the supermonsters or save a group of people trapped in a potentially fatal situation. Jim refuses, as it's not their job to save people, just to blow up oversized lizards. But, Jerry refuses to let the people die and heads off to save them on his own while the others jump into battle with a second 'monster, this one with the ability to spew radioactive smog. As always, Jim and Jem amalgamate into Gemini (which, if said from Jim's perspective, could easily be said as "Jem and I"...) to finish the fight quickly... were it not for two problems: (A) - Jim's got a short circuit, so if the Gemini Transfer goes beyond the 3 1/2 minute mark, the Starbucks duo is dead. (B) - That damn Triceratops is back, meaning this just turned into a 2-on-1.

Though things look grim for the side of good, Jerry arrives and offers himself up as a sacrifice to atone for his counter productive, non-teamwork attitude from earlier. His plan is to piledrive his vehicle into the monstrous duo in the hopes of killing them both in the resultant *KA-BOOM*, but his blaze of glory is hosed down before it can even be lit, as Gemini knocks the tubby bastard off course, saving his life. Sure, the fat fucker's alive, but can the supermonster threat really be dealt with without an act of kamikaze?... of course they can, the good guys never lose! And so, with little more than 12 seconds left to their lives, Gemini defeats the dinos, shish-ka-bobbing them both and making the world safe for tree sloths and banana slugs everywhere. I told ya they were gonna win.

Though it no longer has anywhere near the impact it once had on me, I still get a kick out of Attack Of The Supermonsters. The story's about as well crafted as a Todd McFarlane action figure (i.e. it falls apart right out of the box and refuses to stand up in the pose it was created in) and the characters are as cardboard as my life-size Darth Maul cut-out, but the action's fun and kaiju are always a kick. It's definitely a "so bad it's fuckin' genius" type of thing, like Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula. It means well, but it's better for a laugh! The story elements are nothing new though. As with much of Japanese culture, the Gemini transformation stuff's been done more times than I can count. Many shows from across the pond have made the concept of joining together to become stronger a focus, from the joining of the Starbucks (I know there's a coffee shop joke in there somewhere, but I can't seem to bring it to surface) to the joining of the lions to become Voltron and so forth. What's not so common and more than a little in danger of crossing the copyright laws is Gemini's "3-minute warning" shpiel, taken blatantly from the Ultraman time limit of exactly 3 minutes in which he has to dispose of his own secondhand rubber faced kaiju opponents.

One of the things that should turn off many parents of the target age group is the meat and gravy. The violence level is pretty heavy for a kids' show, whether now or the '70s, dinosaurs being ripped apart and rats being burned alive are a tad too graphic... shit, I'm starting to sound like a PTA prick. Hey, what am I saying, this shit was great for me when I was a kid! While my friends were watching the Smurfs frolic and promote Communism, I was veging on graphic violence toward guys in dinosaur costumes! Zombie Jeezus, with this and Mad Max, it's no wonder I turned out to be the emissary of Death... In closing, I highly recommend Attack Of The Supermonsters if you're into kaiju flicks or old "Thunderbirds" episodes, whilst others would be best served to either "MST3K" the fuck out of it amongst friends or keep away completely... which shouldn't be too hard considering what it took for me to find it, avoiding it should be as easy as embarassing yourself in bed with a beautiful woman! Again, personal experience...

I'd like to take this time to personally thank a man by the name of Mark for reintroducing me to the world of talking dinosaur puppets engaging in combat with cel animation. I spent a laborious 2 months attempting to find the TITLE of this movie alone, and after all that time wasted posting on cartoon message boards and waltzing in and out of animation chat rooms trying to find someone who knew what the fuck it was I was talking about, Mark had an idea and bootlegged me two tapes: Return Of The Dinosaurs and Attack Of The Supermonsters. Not only did this introduce me to a second tape similar to what it was I had really been looking for, but it revealed what my 8 week quagmire had been failing to answer on it's own! Mark is the man. He's one of those few that Gods like myself worship, a God to the Gods. In addition, he also hooked myself and my fiance up with Versus, Battle Royale, Junk, Bio-Zombie and Wild Zero, popular Asian horror before it was popular. In other words, not only is the guy a generous mofo, but he's got excellent taste!... except for that time he sent us Shocking Dark, but Attack Of The Supermonsters can make up for any cinematic sin!... with the exception of Robo-Vampire...