University student Light Yagami (does he have an evil twin named “Heavy Arnold”?) is studying to be a member of the boys in blue, utilizing his disciplined learning skills and high IQ to help his police chief father bring down the purse snatchers, serial streakers and atomic mutants of the world. Already having helped the local oinkers with solving a few cases, the kid’s well on his way to taking daddy’s job someday in some kind of “offspring replaces the parent” National Geographic Channel ritual, beautiful in it’s own way… But, as all guys Light’s age are bound to learn sooner or later, life isn’t the super happy fun love festival of joy that he thought it was, when it occurs to him that far too many of the world’s major offenders are never made to pay for their crimes, thanks to the limitations of the judicial system and all of those pesky little things like “evidence”. He actually witnesses this first hand when, while out at a bar, he overhears one such bastard loophole rider brag about how he murdered a kid and got off easier than OJ because all he had to do was play dumb and let the lack of cops’ lack of proof set him free. What’s a guy like Light to do at a time like this: Give up hope and leave behind his lifelong dreams of making the work a safer place? Go through with becoming a cop, only to let his disgust eat him alive until he becomes all corrupt and rich off of the local Mafioso? Don a pair of mismatched tights and invent a selection of high-tech gadgets with which to fight crime like some kind of half-baked vigilante?! Not exactly…

Just outside of that same bar, Light happens upon a note book with a black cover with “Death Note” inscribed across it. Inside the book are directions for it’s use that include causing almost immediate death to anyone whose name is written in it’s pages, deciding the cause of the person’s death (unless nothing is chosen, in which case the default demise is complete heart failure), causing a person to do whatever you write them to do (so long as you choose a time and date for their death when it’s all done) and various other rules and regulations required for it’s use. The strangest part? Everything in the book is written in English… meaning that English really is the universal language and everyone should learn it, not just because some redneck stereotype will cornhole you with his Southern Comfort bottles if you don’t, but because you’re going to need to be able to plea for your life when the reapers of the Underworld come to claim your soul and only those who know the difference between “their”, “there” and “they’re” are going to get to the happy part with all the clouds and virgins and unlimited taco bar. Everybody else if going to the crappy part with the toilet are all clogged with the bodies of their dead relatives and everybody is issued mandatory ass spiders and urethral centipedes… It is neither pretty nor pleasant, trust me.

After Light starts using the book, he realizes that this just may be the key to wiping out all crime in the world and creating a utopian society for good, honest, law abiding murderous vigilante types like him, so he embraces the opportunity to go on a bad guy killing spree! This quickly catches the notice of the media, who report that a plague of heart failures are striking down numerous accused and convicted murderers, rapists and jay walkers as speculation of a bizarre disease that only strikes criminals begins to fly. The other popular belief is that these deaths are all being caused by a divine being with a dislike for naughty types called Kira, the righteous slayer of evil who passes out vengeance to his foes like Rush Limbaugh handing out bed linens at a Klan rally.

The importance of the story is covered by WAY too many shots of newspapers bearing the same damn headlines over and over again. Was the movie perhaps funded by Japan’s print media? I wouldn’t be surprised. Even if, could we please turn down the volume guys? It may work for the kids, but I’ve never been a big fan of the Teletubbies style of “brain rinse, brain wash, and then repeat” movie-making. Once is fine, twice is okay, but by the third time I find myself on the phone ordering a subscription to the Osaka Yensaver and that’s when I gets violent.

Not long into the kill-fest, Light also meets a twisted freakish goblin devil of a creature called Ryuk, to whom this particular notebook of doom previously belonged. He’s one of the Gods of Death who are responsible for; you guessed it, killing off the population when it’s their time to stop hogging all the air from the rest of us. Ryuk’s also invisible to everyone except for those who come into contact with the Death Note and has a bigger penchant for apples than Adam and Eve on a bender. In addition to generally being the big freaky pink elephant of the movie, Ryuk also throws in the occasional informational tidbit about the workings of the Death Note and the Gods of Death. For instance, should Light choose he’s no longer worthy of controlling the expiration date of those around him, he’s always welcome to pass the book off to somebody else, at which point Ryuk will wipe his memory clean of anything regarding the book and send him on his merry way, oblivious of the carnage he’s wrought. I prefer to just let myself go numb when it comes to snuffing out the population’s candles, this way I still get paid and the cycle of life goes blah blah blah.

Not content to let Light do their job for them, the world’s police officials start investigating the mass death of ne’er-do-wells the planet over, including the FBI, who come to Japan to lend their considerable detective skills to the investigation… well, they send over their Japanese members… cuz I guess they couldn’t find enough Japanese speaking American (i.e. white) actors to be in the movie. Four months into the criminal holocaust, as the big wigs are left with their jaws ajar and their brows a furled, they find help from a mysterious super detective name ‘L’ who intends to prove he’s smarter than this mysterious “Kira” character that’s not only taking international law into his/her own hands, but is becoming the idol of young people all over the world. How long until there’s a Kira photo shoot and interview in “Tiger Beat”? Not till after his 1500 consecutive life sentences are served if L has his way. Not long into his time with the FBI does L deduce that Kira is not only centralized in Japan, but that he’s also a student who’s likely studying for a job in law enforcement and he requires the name and face of his victims before he can kill them… Let the battle of the stubborn young geniuses begin!

Now for the mandatory final synopsis paragraph that consists of nothing but questions relating to the movie that will serve to hint at what happens without fully giving away the ending: Will L discover that Light is Kira? If so, who will win in the final battle of wits? Will Light be free to mold the world into the crime free Utopia he’s always wanted? What role will the fiancée of one of Light’s victim play in the movie’s climax? Just how far is young Light willing to go for his cause and will that drive lead him to abuse his power for his own sake?! Find out the answers to these questions and more as… for fuck’s sake, you get the idea. If you’re really all that interest, I’ll sell you a copy of the DVD. Just e-mail me at tombofanubis@yahoo.com. Trust me, it’ll be cheaper than ordering a copy from some guy in Hong Kong who’s going to charge you three fingers and a toe for shipping. Besides, all the money goes into maintaining the site and saving political prisoners in China!... or buying me a bottle of apple whiskey and bootlegs of “Herman’s Head”, whichever requires less work on my part.

As a whole, I was surprised at how much I dug this movie. I picked it up on a whim after I had heard about the synopsis from an import website and thought I’d cruise Chinatown’s illustrious bootlegging street carts for a copy. If you ever want to see a truly beautiful ruckus, head down there and start shouting “POLICE!” at the top of your lungs and watch all the little old ladies start sprinting down the sidewalks with their push carts at mach 2! Those gals would put Jessie Owens to shame. Like I was saying, this was just one of those “whim flicks” that you pick up, not expecting a whole lot but carrying just enough interest in them to plop down a couple bucks. Though I’m told it was originally a theatrical release, it’s obvious that the copy I wound up with was recorded from television, as noted by the “Nippon Television Network Corporation” logo in the opening and the way a logo pops up in the bottom of the screen every so often reminding us that we’re watching Death Note. What does that have to do with the movie itself? I dunno, I just wanted to make note of that.

As far as I can tell, there’s really nothing wrong with the acting. Everyone conveys emotion with the exception of Fujiwara and Matsuyama, but since both of their characters are meant to be cold, calculating guys who are solely concerned with figuring out how to beat the other, I don’t expect either to be too much for high drama and intense humanity. Speaking of that “cold and calculating” thing, be prepared before watching this movie, because if you’re going into it looking for character development and the like, you’re not likely to find any. There’s no remorse from either L or Light for the things they do. The rest of the cast around them seems to try and speak sense to both, but neither really cares, so if you get to the end of the movie and all you can do is complain because neither of the main characters seem to have a moral compass and you don’t like movies where you can’t root for either side because neither follow your code of human conduct, well, then here’s the warning not to watch the fucking thing. Light is not Peter Parker, his father is not Uncle Ben and there’s no “with great power comes great responsibility” shtick to give our tale a real moral. As far as morals go, I think the best we can get from Death Note is to not commit any crimes if you’re not ready to have your heart seize up on you for doing so. How’s that?

No, this isn’t a movie to show your kids to scare them out of having premarital sex or doing drugs or robbing banks or abusing animals or killing their teacher, so I’m sorry to tell you that you’re still responsible for teaching them all that crap yourself… or continuing to let Walt Disney Nazi Supermen and the fine folks at Rockstar Games do so. Other than a moral compass that seems to point South for the most part, the rest of the movie was great for me. The CGI with Ryuk wasn’t bad and probably could’ve been perfect with a little more work. The character of Ryuk himself adds an element of fun to the movie while his twisted Joker-esque face makes him creepy to look at at the same time. Much of the direction is very low-tech, no bells and whistles really to speak of, so it’s good that the wicked originality of the story concept itself, combined with some strong suspense moments, a few well executed (pun intended) shocks and the reality bending uses of the Death Note make up for the movie’s other shortcomings. As stated prior, I dug the flick and I stand by my earlier statement. Fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers (at least their more recent shit) should know that the final credits roll over their single “Dani California”, no doubt because Warner Bros. own the distribution rights to Death Note across the pond. Will they choose to bring it stateside in some kind of commercial DVD format? Possibly, but not before they look over the potential to break it down and remake it with a bunch of white people and change the ending to make it more commercially accessible to us sterilized plebeians… so probably not. Meh, it’s better off.