There's a story here, but I'll get to that in a minute. First things first, the movie's opening theme is perfect, because nothing says "Hong Kong martial arts fantasy epic" like generic '80s disco-soft rock... gimme a minute to pick my jaw up off the floor. Wanna see it for yourself? Click the rolling head, just make note that you've been warned... Anyway, I think I've regained my composure enough to get on with the movie. Neither one of us is getting paid by the hour (or at all in this case) after all. Using the blood and severed heads of her enemies (along with 3 minutes of marching through corridors with their men, accompanied only by cheap synth music and a complete lack of dialogue) in the Satomi clan, the evil zombie queen Tamazusa, who plans to bring some sinister force of some kind to Earth to generally wreck shit as revenge against the Satomis for burning Tammy and her clan alive in their own castle a century ago, during a revolt by the Sats against the evil family for their irritating habit of generally abusing and torturing their subjects. Tam’s not alone in her mission of revenge though, cuz she’s joined by her unhealthy looking 100-year-old Oedipal son/lover Motofuji, who needs frequent face transplants from women of royal blood to cover his Freddy Krueger Hamburger Helper face, and whose name makes him sound like a bad-ass Motorhead cover band made up of the dudes from Guitar Wolf. I think it’d like to legally change my name to Motofuji…

There's also this whole backstory fable about a curse and a woman marrying a dog and 8 magic crystals, and there’s a magic flute in there too somewhere, but the devil's in the details and I don't believe in the devil. One member of the Satomis, Princess Shizu, slipped out when the shit was hitting the fan though, and it's up to her to evade her undead pursuers if there's any hope of preventing the creepy crawlers from summoning the ancient spirits. On the plus side, unlike most "royalty", Shizu's very down-to-Earth and not above things like helping old people up steep hills or eating burnt snake meat. Besides, I hear that once you’ve had blackened snake meat, no other snake meat will ever do. My ex-wife told me that right before she left me for Keith David…

When Shi's personal assistant is killed and her decoy is taken by the forces of evil, she's left alone to make it to her uncle's castle in "spunky movie heroine" fashion. Of course it wouldn't make much sense to the title to have the princess really make the trip alone like some kind of feudal Benji, so along the way she's joined by our titular guardians, brought together by 8 magic crystals of fate: the diseased Dosetsu (Chiba!) and his sidekick Daikaku, who both work for Shi's family on retainer like a pair of sword-wielding lawyers; Keno, the assassin lounge singer cross between Celine Dion and Lady Snowblood; Shino, the bongo playing Romeo spaz in love with his dead sister; Shinbei (Hiroyuki fucking Sanada!), the sickle-swinging "always trying to live up to his dead dad's standards" rapscallion thief-with-a-heart-of-gold... who really needs to put on some pants; Kabungo and Sasuke, a "big man and little kid" team who live with a group of morlock type cave-dwellers underneath the tomb of Shi's dead ancestor; and Kenpachi, a crimson armored soldier of Tammy's very own army, who switches sides when his crystal appears and introduces him to his true destiny. The princess and her heroes have to defeat Tamazysa's supernatural assassins along the way to victory, including an eyeball stealing centipede puppet witch demon thingy, a harem of women with super insta-kill AIDS blood and insecticide halitosis, a man who’s very skilled and handling his snake (not an innuendo, he really does control a killer snake), and of course the evil queen's phantom marauders. Tammy also makes a surprising revelation about one of our heroes that leads to an interesting conflict for the good guys that has to do with the big trailer trash flame tattoo betwixt her old lady fun bags.

Irritatingly enough, the title refers to our heroes as samurai, but they're referred to as ninjas every time someone makes mention of them in the movie. Ninjas are the exact opposite of samurai. Don't know the difference? That's what Wikipedia was made for, damn it! Go look it up! Overall, Legend of the Eight Samurai is actually a pretty slick Japanese fantasy flick, or a “slijafanick” for all you folks out there who find it hip to shave 2 seconds off your conversations by forcing words that were never meant to exchange sex organs. LotES (pronounced “Lotes”) borders on epic status and I can definitely see the potential for turning this into a two or three saga story ala Lord of the Rings. Just give it a good budget, flesh out some of the supporting heroes a little more, shoot it in the same "dark tone" fashion and drop the terrible '80s America pussyfart soundtrack and I can guarantee a 9 figure return at the box-office. There really is magic here, it's just a matter of bringing it to the attention of someone who can do right by it and use that potential to its fullest, like Tub o’ Guts Petey Jackson did… you know, before he went insane and lost all that weight after running off into the New Zealand wilds and living on a strict Hobbit diet of bark and squirrel brains for seven weeks before New Line execs sent out a task force to bring his ass back…

Drama, action, myth and legend, the forces of good and evil, crazy mystical powers, explosions, heroes of destiny, Elder Gods, enchanted weapons, betrayal, a blood feud, heroic sacrifice, a "Luke, I am your father" moment, an epic "storm the castle" finale, and even a love story or two! I’m telling you, all the makings of the next epic movie experience! Don’t get me wrong, the original doesn’t necessarily look bad... it just sounds terrible… and could’ve used a little more money. All I ask is that if there is a remake, do NOT ruin it with half-assed CGI (at least use your whole ass) and a cast hired for their face recognition instead of their actual ability to act. Oh, and don't give it to Michael Bay, otherwise I'll have to blow my own brains out and take out half of Hollywood in a nuclear holocaust with me... and Tom Cruise’s place will be ground zero…