An entry in the classic genre of the golden age murder mystery movie (which I’ve only really exposed myself to through Three Stooges shorts, episodes of “Animaniacs” and games of Clue), One Frightened Night centers around an elderly millionaire named Jasper Whyte, for which the term “crotchety geezer” was created. Though Jasper’s not slipping the tongue to the Grim Reaper just yet, there’s a new state inheritance tax being levied come midnight, so the old fart’s called together the various inheritors of his 5 million fat greenies so he can hand out the dough now and thumb his nose at the government fat cats. So, on this dark and stormy night, ol’ Jasper has announced one million each to go to his niece Laura, his nephew Tom, his maid Elvira, his primary physician Dr. Denham, and his lawyer Mr. Felix. However, there’s a catch: if his long lost granddaughter Doris Waverly should happen to show up on his doorstep before midnight, she’ll get the whole 5 large and everybody else gets an equal portion of his Shit Outta Luck account. But, since he hasn’t seen the girl since her mom ran away from home to be with Doris’s dad some 20+ years ago, what are the chances she’ll show up knocking on the doors of Whyte Manor within the next few hours. Right?

If you didn’t think she’d show, takes off you pants and go sit in the corner with a light bulb in your ass until you think about why your parents hated you enough to raise you stupid.

Of course, when Mr. Felix shows up to the get together, it just so happens that he’s come with… dramatic pause… Doris Waverly! Aw, boo-hoo for everybody else, cuz it looks like they get nothing… until a second person lets herself in through the unlocked front door (apparently the world was much more trustworthy back in the ‘30s) claiming that she is… wait for it again… Doris Waverly! Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum!

Doris #2 is the eye candy stage assistant to illusionary mastermind Joe “The Great” Luvalle (who’s tagging along with her) and the two just happen to be strolling through town on this very night. Doris wanted to stop by and meet her grandpa for the first time and it just so happens she’s doing so on this night of all times. Is she the real deal, or do I smell a scam by Joey-Joe-Joe Luvalle to get his con artist mitts on the bitchy old man’s moneys?... no, wait, that’s the festering remains of the FedEx guy I’ve got under my floorboards. Anyway, what about Doris #1? Is she just some paid hooker hired by Mr. Felix to pose as Jasper’s blood relative in this time before you needed shit like DNA evidence and Maury Povich to prove something like that? Is the old shyster just trying to get more than his promised million or is his integrity as an attorney… BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!... never mind, I can’t even finish that thought. Will the real Miss Waverly please stand up… while I finish shoving these shards of broken glass underneath Eminem’s fingernails and eyelids.

Shortly after the announced arrival of the second Doris, Doris #1 is found corpsed up, poisoned in her room via cyanide coffee and the mystery begins! Joe tries to take Doris #2 out of the house to save his show’s greatest asset (it’s hard finding hot chicks who let you saw them in half), but is exit blocked by the local sheriff who arrives with his underlings to solve this Scooby-Doo mystery. Everybody just happens to be in major financial dire straits and that, coupled with natural human greed, makes everybody a suspect… and they want their MTV too… you know, cuz they’re in dire straights and… yeah. Has the fake Doris killed herself out of shame, or has the group’s desperation lead one or more of them to commit the cardinal sin? You can bet your sweet Aunt Fanny’s antique sex toy collection on that one kiddies!

Could the killer have been Elvira, the bitter maid who served up the coffee so black that Starbucks could market it as Death in a Cup? Perhaps it was Mr. Felix, concerned that his prostitute stand-in would rat him out now that the proverbial “jig” was up? And when is a jig ever “down”? Maybe the culprit is Dr. Denim, errr, Denham, with his extensive knowledge of poisons and a medical bag full of potentially lethal goodies? We could always point the finger at Tom or Laura and her husband Arthur, all of whom have massive financial debts to cover and the latter two of which had an argument about something extreme just moments before Doris #1’s deadly demise… of deathly… dying… deathness… Will Dorris #2 be able to survive the night and claim her big ass pay day? Will more bodies hit the floor (shut the fuck up Drowning Pool, right now) before the clock strikes midnight? Is there more than one culprit to the crime? Who’s the person in the creepy freak mask lurking around the mansion’s backyard and what part does he/she play in the night’s dastardly deeds? Does Jasper know something he’s not telling everyone as he grins through the proceedings like a Sherlock Holmes hobbyist uncovering clues? And what makes “that’s the Great Luvalle” think he can pull a Bill Bixby and solve this mystery on his own? Finally, is Tom really trying to “get acquainted” with his second cousin and if so, is 5 millions dollars really worth the social stigma of being a dirty old incestoid freak!? Dude, when your second cousin’s that hot and comes with 5 mill packed in her drawers, living apart from society is both possible and positive!

Despite my introductory disinterest in this type of movie (unless it includes a scene of Larry Fine being chased by a flying skull with a parrot trapped inside), I was pleasantly surprised by what One Frightened Night had to offer. Could it be another case of “no expectations equal unbalanced enjoyment”? Nah, it can’t be all that. The inclusion of Joe to the cast is perfect and gives the movie its biggest charm, especially in the scenes where he’s playing off of the rotund, hapless sheriff, who happens to belt a couple of surprised sounds that make me think Mr. Fred Kelsey’s seen Curly Howard’s act a few times. The mask used by the killer is disturbing in that “retarded molester Jason from Friday the 13th Part 3-D” way and the reaction by the sheriff when he first sees the nightmarish figure adds to the shock. You don’t expect it to happen, then out of nowhere it’s just THERE like Michael Jackson hovering above you in the middle of the night, licking his lips and trying to hypnotize you with demon eyes. “That’s just ignorant”.

As a mystery movie it keeps you guessing and as a 70+ year old flick it’s got that same old fashioned quaintness to it that your tobacco chewin’, shotgun polishing, not-extremely-racist-but-just-racist-enough-to-cause-the-occasional-uncomfortable-moment-in-front-of-your-friend grandma always had. The opening credits are printed on a set of blinds that are pulled down in various windows of the mansion by a mysterious hand and watching old Jasper get a few old man kicks out of this little lighthearted criminal investigation makes you smile and think of the good old days of wiping the strained peas from grandpa’s chin at the retirement (from life) home. The mansion itself is another classic set piece in itself, complete with windows that blow open with the slightest breeze and a network of secret passages built into the walls.

It’s a fun little movie. It’s docile enough for the kids (though that pig fucker spook mask will give them sleepless nights for a few months) and I was pleasantly surprised by it. Hooray kids, the granite leer of Anubis has been chipped. Now, pardon me while I go out and tip over a few amputees to make myself feel better. VFW, here I come…