Speaking of the Five Venoms, there's this whole thing with Chang's casting that is rampant with his films. See, starting with the original Five Deadly Venoms, Chang had this tendency to recycle that same cast for a good chunk of his following movies, including this very one right here. As for who they are, what they did, who was replaced by who, and whatever other history is involved with these high flying martial arts motherfuckers, I suggest looking into a site that devotes the whole of their content to them. Trust me, they're not hard to find, just go to an internet search engine, snap in "Five+Deadly+Venoms" and you should bring up at least 100 sites. It's not that I don't enjoy the work these men do, it's just that my major is horror with a minor in sci-fi. Once I graduate with honors from these genres, then maybe I'll think about taking some credited online courses in Hong Kong Ass Whoopin' Cinema. But, for now, that means I'll just be dedicating this review to Super Ninjas instead of the background behind it's cast and crew... though someday I hope to write a 12 page term paper on the key grip and assistant key grip...

As our tale opens, two martial arts masters from rival schools have a contest of physicality to determine which school will close forever... well, they're not the ones fighting really, because that would be too simple. Instead, each master has chosen 10 of their finest ass-kickers to dual in 10 one-on-one matches, with the winner, uhm, like I said, NOT leaving the competitive world of kung-fu dojory. Think of it as a hostile corporate take over, only sans the "corporate" and HEAVY on the "hostile"! On the first side we've got what I'll call the BeeGees Clan, our spic 'n' span heroes who look dapper (and trapped in the '70s) in their stark white disco kung-fu fighting uniforms. In the role of the antagonists, we've got, uhm, some other guys... So, the two sides wage their little war, full of shiny martial arts (as opposed to the "marital arts" that women learn, like avoiding sex with your husband and avoiding getting a real job so you can continue to live on said husband's blood and sweat... and money of course) tools designed for pain and evisceration. The funky disco acrobats come out victorious, defeating all their shabbily dressed nemesi in bouts of superhuman athletic ability and super exaggerated *swoosh*, *clang* and *thud* sound FX. But, then comes about the final round, when the kung-fu curs have but one hope to achieve victory in the "Eric Stoltz in Mask" face of defeat, a ringer for this friendly little exhibition, in the form of a Japanese Samurai! Though the blue chipper smokes his first opponent, the road to a comeback triumph leads to a big "Bridge Out" sign when the Samurai is defeated by one of the smooth operating Chinamen... damn, that's the saddest comeback I've seen since the King Kong Bundy vs. Special Delivery Jones match at Wrestlemania... actually, no, there's nothing sadder than that match...

Being a Samurai who got his ass handed to him, the guy has no choice but to honor his code of, well, honor, and go all Sepuku on his own ass, saving his soul from eternal shame and damnation by spilling his guts all over his good sandals. Before he goes about "saving" himself, the man vows that a friend of his, a ninja, will come to China and avenge his death, taking down the entire Party Posse on his own! With that the loser finally does himself in and we can get on with our lives. As for the bad guys (remember, the ones WITHOUT the team uniforms), they have to be a bunch of sore losers and challenge the caped kung-fuers to another test of skills. They're not COMPLETE morons though, so instead of another tournament against them, the bad guys offer up a "what are you, General Zso's Chickens?!" type challenge: the roller disco wonder kids against the dreaded ninja cadre known as "The Five Elements". Not exactly sure of what their signing their souls on the dotted line for, the heroes do what any group of moderately talented athletes would do on a winning streak: charge into their next fight blindly and rely on ego to see them through! Yes, they're the Feudal incarnation of the LA Rams of Super Bowl 35, and they're about to suffer the same humorously tragic fate... The team splits into five groups and each heads to their designated locale of combat. The first fight is against the elemental shenanigans of Gold, consisting of four guys in shiny gold outfits brandishing equally shiny gold umbrellas which they use in an effort to blind and confuse their Chinese opponents... not to be a nit picking ass monkey or anything, but since when do ninjas use FLASHY forms of attacks?! I thought ninjas were originally created with the intent of guerrilla combat and covert operations, not blinding their enemies with Liberace's wardrobe! Oh well, let's get back to the important thing: the action!

So, blinding their enemies with their shiny gold umbrella-shields, the Gold ninjas julienne the shit out of the two good guys... as if their four-on-two advantage wasn't enough. Though they pull out a victory, is it really worth ruining their reputations?! I mean, is having that kind of combative edge going to make up for the complete burying alive of the Gold ninjas' social lives? Shit, I don't know if even Elton John would pal around with those guys for a hummer. Well, what starts off as a bad omen for the kung-fu masters just continues, when we follow the next duo to their engagement with the ninja masters of wood... heh heh "masters of wood"... These guys take their fashion tips from Brownies (the faerie people that pestered Warwick Davis, Val Kilmer and us, the audience, in Willow... as opposed to the delicious hash enhanced treat that's the bane of every Diabetic's existence) and have a fetish for dressing like trees... it's so fucking ridiculous you can't help but curl up and die a horribly painful death of stomach cramps brought on by laughter and pure amusement! The two unlucky heroes who meet up with these tricky forest dwellers (though the entire movie takes place on sound stages and not one scene is shot in any actual natural environments, as noted by the matted skies) wind up shredded like beef jerky. The next element is that of water, where the next two disco queens are also defeated and annihilated courtesy of bright blue garbed assassins in pajamas who utilize their amazing powers of reversing the film to leap from the murky depths of a stream (a little too murky to hide those bright blue monkey suits) and drag their opponents to an aquatic grave. It's all so mind bogglingly cheesy, but it's like a Siren's call damn it!

Our fourth stage of elemental combat is that of the fire ninjas, who are also well versed in the ancient art of reversing the film, allowing them to jump backwards great distances and perform otherwise unnatural feats of daring do (and do nots)! Combined with their red fog and pyrotechnics, these flamboyant and flashy killers (again, so much for stealth and cover of darkness) out match their opponents as well, claiming victory, which still doesn't seem like all that big an achievement, again considering they also outnumber their enemies 2-to-1. The leader of the elemental ninjas, Chin Tien Chun also makes his presence known during this fight. Then we finally come to our last one-sided fight, as the remaining two kung-fu masters match their bleached white dance uniforms against the Earth elementals. The Earth Ninjas' trademark move is burying themselves under the ground, allowing them to stab upward into their opponents' genital areas repeatedly! Damn these guys fight dirtier and dirtier! If they could also master the art of speeding up the film in addition to reversing it, they'd be shoe-ins to conquer all of feudal Asia! Now, the most skilled of the white caped crusaders have fallen to the evils of the elemental ninjas, leaving just a few left to protect their Master Yuen and their base of operations. But, no matter how heavily guarded the fortress may be, they can never stop the might of the ninjas, who pull yet another editing trick from their sleeves, this time it's an audio trick, as they've obviously hit the "Mute" button and turned off the sound! Though this provides the ultimate in stealth capabilities (finally they start living up to their namesake), it doesn't just cover their moves, but everything else as well, including their enemies and all the background noise that mother nature's supposed to provide to cover their proverbial auditory tracks... I told you this is ridiculous... and entertaining as fuck!

I was in something of a haze at this point, astounded and confused by the whole muting of all sound ordeal, but I think the ninjas were defeated... or they didn't do anything... the next thing I DO remember is the disco superstars "saving" a young woman being beaten and abused by her evil "uncle" in front of the fortress. Of course, this would arise some suspicion on my part, but I'm not adept in the martial arts, nor am I willing to dress up in one of those outfits and bleach it the required 3 times a day to keep it so damn white. As for the professionals here, they decide that the woman needs protection, the kind only their top secret HQ can provide, so they bring her in... don't worry everyone, ignorance is almost always rewarded with pain, LOTS of pain. One of the Graceland kung-fu masters, Shao Tien-hao, is the only one who thinks this broad's situation is a little too convenient given their current state of heightened alert, so Shao's gonna be keeping an eye on her candy ass during her stay at the Casa De Kung-Fu Disco. Sure enough, after causing additional tension and suspicion amidst the heroes, we find the chick firing ground plans for the base and it's defenses out to her cohorts, the evil ninjas of Chin Tien Chun .... oh don't look so shocked... Afterwards, ninja-babe attempts to seduce Shi Shang, Shao's brother and the fortress's star guardian. Her come-ons are rejected though, as Shang obviously holds the same moral views as Farmer Vincent, stalwart on the concepts of chastity and abstinence until the ink dries on the wedding contracts, which can't happen until after the whole ninja situation's resolved and all their disco hating enemies lie in bloody piles of their own vital organs... which will then be used to decorate the wedding ceremony and cater the reception!

Now comes the character question of whether the ninja broad will continue with her deviant plot to destroy her enemies or if she'll see the light and open her heart to her new boyfriend's devotion to the old ways and his kind sentiments in not taking advantage of her in her moment of self-prostitution. Well, there's still plenty of time left to fill, so it's not likely they'll be contestants on "The Newlywed Game" anytime in the near future. As my two headed Leper oracle with the third testicle and the glowing green eyeball in his left palm told me half way through this flick, the bitch is just that, a bitch, and doesn't even give warning when her pajama clad, volume muting, backwards hopping, villainous co-workers overwhelm the defenses and siege the base! Guards are hacked down like extras in a kung-fu flick (which makes sense, now that I realize that was probably the least creative analogy I could've slapped down), as the ninja make mince meat of them with an arsenal of everything from swords to spears to Lee's new line of lethal Press-On Nails! While the chaos reigns, the ninja girl shows her true colors and attacks the naive Shang in a spray of red paint, er, blood. He's not completely defeated though, as Shang rises from the stained sheets of his death bed to fight alongside his beloved sibling, leading to one of the funniest fucking verbal exchanges between two Chinese men that I've ever seen in my millennia, as Shao calls out his brother's name and vows to avenge his death, to which Shang replies, "I'm not dead yet!".

Sure this may not seem all that hilarious on paper (or digital print as this may be), but the way the voice actors deliver the lines so over dramatically makes the moment. Well, Shao winds up subdued to a chair as Shang continues to fight on, despite mammoth perforation to his digestive tract, a losing battle, but he's not gonna let massive bloodless deprive him of taking out a couple bad guys and protecting his master! Overwhelming odds are too much for Shang though, no matter how much guts he's got, that just means more meat for the ninjas to paper the walls with, and he's ultimately pinned to his Master's door with Tien Chun's own sword, while said Master's quarters become his personal funeral pyre/barbecue pit and he's scorched alive. It's not a good day to be a Chinese disco fighting master. Shao, being the bad-ass brother, isn't about to let himself suffer a similar demise, or any kind of demise for that matter, as he escapes his bonds (ancient Chinese secret) and uses the she-ninja as a human shield with which to cover his escape to safety... and she proclaims her love for him... the babes always melt for the hardasses, especially the potentially abusive and violent ones... While Shao and his new girlfriend/hostage go off to pull the old "defeated hero regroups, retrains and reloads so he can come back for sweet sweet revenge" schtick, Tien Chun proclaims dominance over the ruling martial arts school of China... then gathers his pajama soldiers together and stakes his claim to the school that originally hired him and his squad, meaning he controls pretty much all the high stepping, roundhouse swinging Chinamen in the country like some kind of kung-fu mafia.

Shao's journeys lead him to the door of a ninja clan on good terms with his now deceased Master, who are more than happy to school our hero in the ways of the ninja so he can get vengeance on Tien Chun and his crew in old western fashion. Yes, through a history lesson, some chicken tossing and a few cheerleader stacking moves, Shao is transformed from everyday kung-fu warrior into a Chinese Super Ninja!... but don't get confused, it's not like he has heat vision, the strength of a pack of elephants or flesh that can deflect military grade armaments, though he does know a few film editing tricks of his own! Joined by his three new friends, also Super Ninjas in their own right, Shao confronts Tien Chun for the control of physical combat teaching rights in China. Despite being the baddest mofos to throw a fist and don ultra-suede party suits, Shao and his posse aren't about to challenge an entire nation of ninja warriors. No matter how many throwing stars they catch in their teeth, there's gonna be another 50 or 60 that get past them and turn their throats into lean-trim strips o' bacon, so Shao challenges Tien Chun's elemental ninjas to another round of battle on their home turf to decide whose golden fists will direct the fate of ass-kicking. Overly confident as any warlord in his position would be, Tien Chun accepts. As for Shenji, despite her attempts to win our hero's heart, he still kills her, out of a combination of contempt for what she did to his brother and clan, and the paranoia that she might sell him and his new brothers in butt whoop out. If only he'd listened to his inner self and decapitated her about 30 minutes earlier, none of this shit would be necessary, but at least he finally goes through with it!

Back to business, the battles with the five elements goes far better for Shao and friends than it did for the previous 10 disco killers. Utilizing their own sneaky fucker tricks (like depending on their sense of hearing to negate the blinding effects of the Gold Elementals and using stilts to stay just out of reach of the Earth Elementals' trap door spear attacks) along with their fancy multi-use fighting utensils and the fact that each battle is now an even four-on-four, Shao and the Super Ninjas devalue the Gold Elementals, turn the Wood into kindling, gut the Water like the day's catch, go Smokey the Bear all over the Fire Elementals' asses and strip mine the Earth ninjas! With the various forms of Mother Nature based combatants all soundly defeated, the four only have one enemy left: Chin Tien Chun himself! Not exactly the most fair of fights when the good guys outnumber the bad guy(s), but what the fuck, it's not about the morality or fighting fair, it's about the action dammitt! Besides, Chun's quite the bastard, fending for himself rather lethally, even controlling the match at times with his array of razorblade sandals, ankle cuffs and other fashion accessories and weapons that would make David Carradine pitch a tent! However, the numbers game catches up to the evil warlord and though he manages to inflict some heavy damage on his opponents, he finally falls to a grisly death, literally torn in half by the super quartet! But to do so, the revenge hungry Shao must sacrifice himself for the deadly dissecting move to pay off, bringing him peace that his fallen comrades have been avenged and honor restored before perishing himself.

Action action action kiddies, that's the name of this game and it's all over the place! An intelligent and immersive story by no means, Super Ninjas strays from and could even be told to insult the legend and honor of the ninja arts, but that's the kind of shit I'm really not losing sleep over, as long as I've been amused! As with a lot of low grade American releases of kung-fu cinema, the dubbing is slowed down in an attempt to synch the English words with the Chinese lips, which results in everyone delivering their dialogue like 3rd semester drop-outs from the School of William Shatner Voice Acting. The variety provided by the film's weapons is a nice touch though, as not many kung-fu flicks rely on armed combat, but mostly hand-to-hand. It adds a whole new dimension to the movie that really turns it into a bizarre ballet, without losing the "holy shit that's what testosterone is all about!" level. That's one of the things that I admire about the works of Jackie Chan, even in some of his earlier films. That guy can work off ANY prop or scenery and make it a cinch for a "Best Supporting Actor/Actress" award! Final verdict: if you're looking for stupid fun my friends, then you've found it, but if you're looking for a spiritual tale full of startling special FX, astounding cinematography and gorgeous set pieces, then I'm sure Chow Yun Fat and Michelle Yeoh have got something for you. As for me, I'm gonna go down to K-Mart and pick up a few more of Mr. Cheh Chang's best, all in the good ol' $5 rack, surrounded by Leslie Nielsen's Naked Space, black & white Mexican wrestling/horror schlock and documentaries on Charles Mason and Vietnam... life just gets better!