From the likes of sci-fi space odysseys such as "Star Trek" and Star Wars to heart-warming family affairs along the lines of The Wizard of Oz and E.T. to iconic four-color beings ranging from DC Comics' Superman to Marvel Comics' Spider-Man, Turkey's pioneers in the cut-throat career of movie piracy on the high-seas of popular American culture have brought about disorder and suffering for fans of less-than-fine cinema for many a decade. Unafraid of possible legal ramifications involved with using characters, likenesses and even entire segments of movies that have earned more than their fair share of the American dollar on our shores, Turkey's uncreative cretins of film have shown no fear when it comes to trying to cash in on someone else's ideas. International copyright laws be damned, these backwards talking would-be Roger Cormans strapped on their directing goggles, tied up their directing girdles and hired fellow countrymen to play dress-up in brightly colored, cheaply tailored spandex duds and recite scripts that might've been written by 3rd graders with no understanding of the characters they're basing their stories on aside from the garish costumes and kung-fu. Topped off with horrible cinematography, Godz-awful special effects, sterile direction, and *uggh* even worse acting, Turkey is either the bane of your existence or the beacon of camp crap... or crap camp... whichever suits you best.

Of all these movies, 3 Dev Adam is probably the best/worst, if for no better reason than because it takes the bold leap-of-faith to not only rip-off one license, but THREE! Translated to English, the title literally means "3 Mighty Men". And who are these so-called men o' might? Referring to the flick under it's A.K.A. should shed some light on that query: Captain America & Santo Vs. Spider-Man.

Yes, not only are two of Marvel's most prominent company figureheads (or at least their names and costumes) plucked in the name of profit, but them wacky Turks decided to reach a little deeper into the American pop culture barrel. So deep in fact, that their greasy fingers broke beyond the bottom of said barrel, past the Rio Grande and down into the heart of Mexico's cultural commercialism to add the legendary masked luchadore Santo (alias "Samson" or "the Saint") to their mix, confusing consumers beyond the breaking point. Trust me, the first time I saw this something in the back of my skull popped and I could feel the cool ooze of crimson dancing from my ears. I've taken to carrying a handkerchief in my pocket after this, as all people I've introduced this movie to have had the same damaging and messy reaction.

Purchased for $10 at a small town comicbook shop, 3 Dev Adam looks and feels like the perfect April Fools Day prank to pull on the fanboy in your life. But, despite the fact it's obviously a bootleg (as noted by the case image printed out on somebody's bubble-jet and a VHS tape baring no label to distinguish it from any other nondescript recordable video tape purchased in a 10 count "Val-U" pack at K-Mart), my version also lacks any and all type of translation into the English tongue! Yes, that means there isn't no English dub, no English subtitles, nor even a deaf English broad bangin' out sign language for our hearing impaired countrymen! And what does all this mean to you, the lucky lug nuts looking at this review? On the advise of my army of undead lawyer werewolf mutant midgets, thus rolls the disclaimer: The views expressed in this review are solely the interpretations of the reviewer of the events he holds witness to. Should the actual movie vary in anyway from how the reviewer interprets, he will not be held accountable for accusations of slander or manufacturing boldfaced lies, including (but not exclusive to) claims of Christian Slater, UFOs, zombie clowns from Hell, or ancient races of subterranean monkeys who worship Marky Mark and his now defunct "Funky Bunch".

Also, keep this in mind if you intend on e-mailing me about selling you a duplicate, as I accept no returns based on player (or linguistic) incompatibility... not that I sell illegal duplications of movie... or anything like that... just, ya know, making that clear...

See me later in the alley behind the Tomb...

As if torn from the bad dreams of some desperate fanboy, our opening sequence introduces us to the Turkish Spider-Man. Gone are the snazzy blue, red and black duds that have defined the character since his creation in the pages of Amazing Fantasy, replaced by the red and green Christmas colored spandex tights (and fully functionless belt... seriously, who wears a belt with spandex?!). Gone are the proportionate strength of a spider, wrist-mounted "web shooters", early warning "spider sense" ability, and gymnastic moves that would make Mary Lou Retton look like Stephen Hawkings, replaced instead by a switchblade, fiendish laughter, a gang of generic Turkish thugs, and a pair of gargantuan eyebrows that refuse to be held within the confines of Pseudo-Spidey's mask. Like I said, fanboy embolism. Exploding brain cells everywhere. Oh the carnage... the carnage.

The evil arachnid master of Istanbul's organized crime watches in stark amusement as his goons capture a woman, bury her up to her neck in a conveniently dug beach hole nearby, then go through the effort of dragging over a parked motor boat so they can mutilate the bondaged broad with the fury of their outboard motor! If the idea of these guys wasting all that effort just to drag a boat over to kill this woman with when they could've just as easily pulled a Scarface and chainsawed the crap outta her falls awkwardly on your movie-viewing shoulders, consider this: despite the spinning blades of an outboard motor not exactly offering surgical precision in times like this, the arterial spray that comes from the victim's cabeza as a result seems to spray across Spidey's evil sidekick chick's legs in a nice, uniformed "looks like someone squirted a bottle of Heinz™ on her" fashion...

No, nevermind, the whole thing with dragging the boat over (combined with the "Hey look, a pre-dug hole in the sand! How convenient!" thing) to do their dirty work for them was far worse than the "blood" spray complaint. Carry on.

Elsewhere, in a much bluer-hued section of Istanbul, two men and a woman wearing large, saucer-like eyeglasses arrive at the airport, met by two guys I'm assuming to be members of the Turkish police authority or high ranking government officials. Whatever their rank, these mooks are no doubt there to accompany this newly arriving trio in their heroic efforts to put an end to the evil deeds of Spidey Claus: holiday scourge of the Turkish underworld! These two plain clothesed gents are of course the other titular copyright infringements, Captain America and Santo... which is so unbelievably wrong to begin with, since Santo is NEVER seen without his vaunted silver mask! Sure, he may leave the cape and tights at home for those "suit and tie" charity affairs, but NEVER, and I mean NEVER EVER is he seen without his beloved mask! Santo showers, shits, eats enchiladas, downs Coronas and makes love to legions of sexy female Flamenco dancers in that mask damn it! I know (a little about) Santo, and you sir, you Turkish sonuva bitch, are NO Santo! Grrrrrrr! Raaaaaaaage! Kiiiiiiiiiill Turkey!

Why are the heroes of Mexico and America there to fight Spider-Man anyway? Doesn't Turkey have it's own professional wrestlers and pudgy gymnasts to handle police matters?

So yes, it seems the pride of Mexico's national pastime and the spirit of American imperialism are tag teamed to take down the Homo-Arachnid horror of Istanbul and I'm betting by the end of the movie that his 8 legs (well, his 2 legs...) will be tied. But that's just my opinion... as an omnipotent something-or-other... you get the idea.

Speaking of characters who are so out of character it makes even one with the very pit of oblivion for a soul weep, Faux-Spidey must be bad-ass if he can command a gang of greasy stereotype '70s goon fodder with little more than a scenery devouring laugh and his Sunday best funnies. Some guy in green tights came up to me with his eyebrows trying to leap out and strangle me from under his mask, I'd either laugh and kick him in the happy bag or just keep walking and act like I didn't notice him, much like those obnoxious street urchins I ran into last week who were harassing pedestrians with coffee cans and begging for loose change so they could buy a football for their underfunded youth league or something. Sorry Little Johnny, you'll have to extort your crack money somewhere else. As for Spidey, he knifes some dude in a hat using his, uhm, spider-knife. That'll teach him not to remove his chapeau in the presence of Spider-Man!... 's dime store doppleganger.

At some point later, a woman who I'm assuming is a spy in the rogue arachnid's posse o' crime gets her Turkey ass caught red handed taking photos of seemingly important documents. She's then slapped around and subdued, leaving the question: will the goons take her out to the beach like the first girl, or will they just go through all the wasted effort of dragging the boat to their hideout this time? As for our dynamic duo of international super drinkin' buddies, they're sparring and lifting weights together... well, this would explain their affinity for tights. "Travel companions" my ass! No, wait! Not my ass! Not my ass!!!

Back to the bond(age) girl, she fake's unconsciousness from her domestic abuse, then activates her super secret signal Swatch™ to notify her beefcakes as to her whereabouts. This turns into a car chase of less-than-epic proportions that plays out over background music that sounds like something stolen from the soundtrack of a World War II newsreel. Those horrible Scooby-Doo "generic Monkees music" chases are seeming less and less pathetic when compared to Turkish standards.

Said chase wraps up at Spidey HQ, where the captive broad is tied to a post while her rescuers pull their car alongside the road so that one may exit and proceed to strip down to his... spandex superhero costume! That's rights kiddies, it took long enough, but Captain America has finally made his first in-costume appearance and the ol' Nazi smasher is ready to throttle evil on the shores of Istanbul!... though I'm pretty sure that Istanbul isn't on a waterway of any kind, therefore it lacks shores of any kind... But, will the crime crushing sentinel of sweet lady liberty be able to defeat the Spider-Man and his criminal underlings without the help of his trademark chain mail costume, indestructible Vibranium™ shield, and muscle-tone of any kind? Yeah, that's right, surprise surprise the Turks fucked up royally yet again! Okay, I can forgive the chain mail thing, but leaving out the shield?! Jeezus Crapsplash, even Albert Pyun at least gave his version of Cap a fucking shield! And what's with the lack of muscles on these guys?! If you're gonna deck actors out in spandex costumes, please have the decency to make them buff actors! Obviously the translation on the cover of the tape was wrong. "3 Dev Adam" is looks less like "3 Mighty Men" than it does "3 Adam West-ian Spandex Guts Hangin' Out"! On a remotely positive note, in the Turks' defense, they did at least manage to get the colors right for Cap's costume, so I need to give them some credit... albeit a very minute eye-droplet's worth...

Cap's rescue mission hitchhikes down the wrong road rather quickly, when he finds himself chasing down his new arch-nemesis! The red, white and blue ninny dukes it out with the gangster of green and red in a furry of fisticuffs as glove meets spandex meets chubby mid-section! Makes you think back to the good ol' days when comicbooks were all about heroes having mutual misunderstandings and beating the tar out of each other before finally realizing they'd both come to the wrong conclusion, setting aside their differences, then teaming up to tackle the star villain's nefarious, world dominating machinations! Only difference is that Jack Kirby ain't here to draw it, Stan Lee ain't here to bog it down with pointless dialogue and constant thought balloons, and, well, this movie just plain sucks the collapsed star out of a black hole. What have we learned? This is nothing like the comics and I was just lying to you to make the pain feel a little less, well, painful. Trust me kids, this hurts daddy a lot more than it hurts you.

During the conflict the comedy relief kicks in, as Spidey and Cap take flight over a wall, on the other side of which sits a drunken Turkish wino who's reconsidering his career choice of being a homeless drunkard bum. This scene transpires to the tune of some inspirational "wacky alcoholic stumbling around in a cartoon" music, capping off the komedy with the bum running away in terror thanks to the aid of advanced film technology, i.e. the film is run at double-speed. Lucky people see pink elephants when they strap on the beer goggles. Me? I get grown men in brightly colored spandex costumes chasing each other around playing "comicbooks". Now do you see why I gave up sake? Tony Stark ain't got nothin' on me...

Reflecting on this part of the movie, added to the absurdity of everything else going on with this flick (namely the fanboy sickening translation of the title heroes), the conspiracy theorist chunk of my gray matter begins to wonder if this whole cinemasochistic experience is actually meant to be taken as a comedy, without the slightest sliver of sincerity for making a real movie here...

Oh well, if nothing else, at least it proves to us that the Turks have a sense of humor.

Being without the big US budget that would allow such a thing as web-shooters or tall building from which to swing from (Evil Spidey Claus's base of operations is an abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere anyway), Spidey must escape his pursuing patriot via his BIG AMERICAN CAR! Though it's nowhere near as fun to look at as the real Spidey's short-lived Spider-Car, nor is it as functional as the Japanese Spidey's transforming giant-robot car, the Turkish wall crawler's (who incidentally doesn't even crawl walls!) big honkin' Chevy does include big cheesy fins and the uncanny superhuman ability to SQUEAL IT'S TIRES ON GRASS!!!!!! Not to be deterred from magical squealing tires or the badly dressed criminal masterminds who use them, the Captain grabs onto the side of the car, trades a few more Collector's Edition *THWACK*s to the jaw with the miscreant, then is thrown from the automobile as Spidey escapes. So disappointed is he by the fiend's escape that Cap is forced to flair the nostrils of his gigantic nose. If there's any justice in the cosmic floor plans of existence, then right now, on some Turkish television station, at the very moment I'm typing away at this abomination, the silhouettes of a Turkish Mike Nelson, a Turkish Tom Servo and and Turkish Crow are tucked away at the bottom of a TV screen and berating the living crap out of this beast on national Turkish television! If not, then I'm going to give the Lords of Chaos and Order a galactic wedgie the likes of which from they'll never sit without a hemorrhoid donut again!

Apart from this chaos in costume, more acrobatic antics ensue as a certain familiar looking (kinda) Musclebob Buffpants in a silver mask and red cape whose supposed to be Santo (but obviously is not) wallops on some guy, steals the lunk's wallet (shoving it down the front of his tights... ewww!) then goes toes-to-face with three members of the Ralph Macchio fan club. In a hail of judo chops, drop kicks and a few Flying Jalapenos, Santo(ish Guy) pummels his opponents into submission in an oddly well choreographed fight sequence that has no right being in a movie this ass blisteringly bad! As for who the fatty was that El Santo mugged, we learn later that he, of course, works for Spider-Man... who, incidentally, is more man than spider...

Come to think of it, what exactly about this chump is "spider-like" enough that his name should even bare an arachnid title?! At least the real Spidey had the whole "does whatever a spider can" thing going for him, but what does our villain have? Nothing. Ooooh, a switchblade. Wow. I don't know about the rest of you out there in TV land, but I can't go 12 hours without seeing a Daddy Long Legs attacking a fly with it's trademark switchblade and motorboat!

Sorry kids, Uncle Anubis has this thing called an "obsessive-compulsive disorder" that refuses to let him drop certain subject matters ho matter how many times he rants or is arrested for indecent exposure.

... which really ain't too indecent if the ladies in the audience catch my drift, heh heh heh.

Spidey's next victim comes in the glistening and sexy form of a showering Turkish broad. No idea why the crazy mofo did it, but he strangles her anyway and I'll bet dildos to donuts that he did not do so with the proportionate strength of a spider. From the corpsed-up hussy's home the fiend swipes a collection of priceless figurines that look like the decorative character whiskey bottles my grandma used to keep in her "sewing room" that my cousins and I used to use for childhood Civil War reenactments in her backyard. Not to cast disparagences (I think I made that word up...) on my elders or nuthin', but a 9 year-old shouldn't have to wake up naked in a big bed with 4 of his cousins (of varying age) and the 15 year-old girl-next-door. Not that that was a bad time or anything, I just wish I could remember what the Hell happened to us!

Oh yeah, that and the three day hangover that followed was ridiculous. No prepubescent boy should have to experience the volume of Technicolor yawns I lived through in the week following that nightmare!

Back to El Capitan, he's busy healing the blind. While waiting on a pier, the patriot is confronted by a visually impaired Turkish man looking for a light. When Cap's partner (sadly not Bucky... though I was really hoping to watch him suffer an on-screen death!) flicks his Bic™ to oblige, Blindy McNoSee locks eyes directly on the flame! Looks like touching the commanding (and mystical) jawbone of Mr. America has better healing power than going down on Jesus! Believe me, "son of God" or not, when the J man turns a little too much agua into vino, he makes some freaky requests from people looking for miracles. He was Abu Gharib before Abu Gharib was Abu Gharib! Did any of that make sense? I didn't think so...

Moral of that little anecdote? Jesus can be one mean ass drunk.

Back to the movie we've got some people talking. Okay, there's more talking and... now more people are talking... uh, a guy slaps some other guy... more talking... a guy following a woman in a red jumpsuit around... some talking... Okay, here we go! Cap gets into a fight with three skinny henchman guys trying to bury something at the beach. No idea why he attacks them or what it is they're trying to bury though. He could be upholding some kind of international "clean beaches" edict for all I know. Whatever his motive, Cap does the beating in civilian duds, complete with red and white jacket decorated with fringe on the shoulders... wait a minute! His power must come from his fringe! Yes! American scientists have been conducting clandestine experiments since WW2 on making super soldiers who draw their power from solar waves absorbed by high-tech fringe! I remember hearing Mike Mignola mention something about that stuff being the basis for Hellboy, but I can't seem to place the Nazi black magic demon part...

Anyway, fringe boy wins (was there any doubt from the fellow fringe-heads in the audience? I thought not), shaking off a blow from a Styrofoam rock and unleashing his deadly arsenal of American pro-wrestling maneuvers. There's a reason the WWE's disclaimers say "Don't Try This At Home". From this we jump back to Spidey's "bidness", where he's teaching his hooligans a lesson in what it means to fail Turkey's own Spirit/Spider of Christmas. Seems he's not too happy at the fatty from whom Samson stole Spidey's imitation leather wallet (and shoved down the front of his tights! Ewwwww!), so he has the man tied up and puts on his own little National Geographic lecture. The subject? When trapped in a 12' length of tubing on whose ends are a rubber stopper and a man's face, gerbils will instinctively maul and ravage the man's eyes...

Man, Richard Gere's ass must look like Roy (of "Siegfried and" fame)'s head...

Meanwhile, there's a strip show! This ain't so Scores though gents, because apparently in Tukey it's considered hotter to watch a woman take off her clothing in sexually a suggestive manner from behind a lighted circle of paper, much like those found in the opening of a college or high school football game. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a little guess work and "leave it to the viewer's imagination" in these situations, but I don't pay a $30 cover charge to watch A DANCING SILHOUETTE! WHY DOES THIS TYPE OF SHOW HAPPEN!? Is it meant to make the audience feel less dirty about itself by watching the girl strip from behind a piece of paper, or is it supposed to add to the voyeuristic sense of "she can't see me, but I can see her!... kinda"? And what's with the passing through the paper when she gets down to her pasties and g-string anyway? Is this a form of Turkish adult performance art? Is breaking through the paper like some simian jock supposed to signify a type of "rebirthing" through a false womb, or maybe the break of social stigmas as boundaries?! Is it a morality statement or a political expression of individuality?! Is it supposed to represent the transformation of ourselves from a state of privacy and self-imposed exile into a world of free and open love and self-expression?! IS THIS MOVIE REALLY SO BAD THAT I'M BEING FORCED TO WAX INTELLECTUAL OVER A STUPID STRIP CLUB SCENE?!

Sign of a bad movie #43XA2.B: the reviewer attempts to over explain or bring "deeper meaning" to a pointless T&A scene.

Back to the task at hand (and in an effort to preserve a little sanity and webspace), Cap and Santo converge on a mannequin storage room and beat up more of the arachnid's mobster tuffs. This scene clears the fog of confusing strip shows by reminding me why I like fight scenes: you don't need subtitles or bad dubbing to understand the international language of "Hey! Get those guys!". As for Spidey himself, he and his man-eating eyebrows (no doubt a sentient alien lifeform from another plane of existence), he sneaks into somebody's house and plants a shish-kabob skewer through a guy's ribcage while he's makin' sexy time with a lady friend in the shower, subsequently getting her perforated in the process. Despite the fact I speaky no Turkish, I know that Spidey's gotta be saying something cheesy about "the sting of the spider" to these poor greasy people who wanted nothing more than to lust in an upright position. Yet again whoopee must go unwhooped in a cruel and uncaring world.

Another moment of sad clarity connects with my jawbone in an uppercut of realization here, as I have no idea who half of these men even are anymore. Every guy in this flick is Mediterranean and has a big bushy moustache, so how the fuck am I supposed to tell these chumps apart when they get killed!? This is worse than coming in at the half way mark of a Chinese soap opera! Are these people being killed for a reason, or does Evil Spider-Man just like sneaking into peoples' homes and stabbing them while they're doing the nasty?! In addition, I don't know if Santo is really the guy I think he is, or if he's just randomly appearing from nowhere to fight crime for the sake of fighting crime! It's either that, or the Turks really are committing the ultimate sin and they're showing the character of Santo in plainclothes and without his vaunted mask!

Whatever. More people talk. Big nutsac chewing deal. Okay, I guess Santo and the Captain have finally realized their Chinese finger trap (who's not Chinese, it's just an expression, let it go!) was kidnapped some seven or eight scenes ago. Jump still elsewhere and put on your generic "Wakka-Chikka" 8-Track as two less-than-attractive Turkish types do some body cavity searches on each other betwixt the sheets. From which we jump briefly to watch three wooden puppets laughing at each other...

Well, unless that's what women see in their mind's eye when they climax, could someone kindly tell me WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS ALL ABOUT!? GAH! I'm having 15 strokes in succession as a result of this! Who randomly throws in a montage of laughing puppets during a sex scene?! ARE THE TURKS TRYING TO RUIN SEX FOR PEOPLE OR WHAT!? They can't even use semi-normal Muppet™-type puppets at that, they need to use those creepy wooden marionettes!? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! If I had a hammer, I'd turn skull into mashed potatoes right now!

After turning the movie off and contemplating suicide for an hour and a half, I turn it back on with a fresh feeling of "I'm not crazy, the rest of the world's crazy!" and learn that the male half of this writhing, sweaty, two-backed beast was the ungarbed secret identity of Evil Spider-Man. After their horizontal mambo has been made official, Spidey and his dame makes tracks down to the kitchen (a popular post-coital tradition in my own household), where the now costumed criminal takes what I'm assuming to be as important phone call. After dealing with the fiends at Verizon™ (Damn you James Earl Jones™!), Spidey's then thrown into the big climactic battle with his two pursuers as Santo and Cap have stopped by for tea and amateur wrestling, bringing along a Judo-chop fest with them! Here Spidey breaks out his bizarre spider power of self-replication, as he and his clones (wow, these guys were decades ahead of their times as far as bad comicbook storylines go!) do battle with the do-gooders. But, while the heroes have their hands full with a duo of doubles, the genuine fake makes off with the collection of priceless decorative liquor bottle figurines.

One badly edited jump shot later takes us back to Spidey's strip joint hideout. Santo and Cap, in their civilian identities, pay a visit to the club and a bar room brawl of Roadhouseian proportions ensues shortly after, as punches thrown nearly a foot away from connecting with anyone's jaw sends people reeling through the air, breakable stunt chairs don't break when used to strike people (furniture must be too precious a commodity in Turkey to break for a movie like this), and we witness some of the most obviously (and horribly) choreographed body throws in moviedom (or "movie-dumb" as it'd better serve to be named), as noted by the impact of men being "tossed" onto tables in actions that carry about as much violence and intensity to them as a waitress setting down a plate of tap water and mountain oysters for a family of four!

The good guys become victims of the proverbial "numbers game", as the onslaught of evil-doers proves to be too much for the heroes to handle and they're captured by the club's evil bald owner, his evilness noted by his hairlessness. In order to escape their new jail cell home, the two break into a fake fight that draws the attention of the guards, so when they come in to investigate it turns into a jailbreak of punches, kicks and continual bodyslamming proportions. The best part? Santo evens picks up one goon he's already throttled, then uses him to club a second goon! Repeatedly! When the villains start playing rough though, it's good for Cap that his spandex undergarments are bulletproof, deflecting several slugs from the bald club owner guy's gun before knocking the mook senseless.

With another batch of underlings properly disposed of, it's time for Evil Spider-Man and His Amazing Evil Spider Clones' Cavalcade of Crime! Watch in amazement boys and girls as, like circus clowns from a Volkswagen, the gangly green dopplegangers start jumping out of the woodwork to do battle with our heroes! See Captain America pummel one villain, only to have him replaced by another upon defeat, each cackling more cheesily than the last! Watch in awe as, despite the fact that he's supposed to be securing his criminal empire behind impenetrable walls of steel, Spidey obviously went cheap on his hideout's construction budget, as he and Cap waste little effort in tearing doors off hinges with single uppercuts and collapse walls into piles of bricks simply by walking into them! Give the Turkish a big round of applause ladies and gentlemen, as they look like they need any kind of pity cheers we can offer them!

Despite his many equally badly dressed counterparts and his use of a electric fan (not even a very large one at that), Spidey cannot escape the *clack*clack*clack* on the Captain's tap shoes, nor the bludgeoning might of his shield fists (that sound like someone wailing on a bad of Ruffles Ridges™ each time they strike)! Yes, after beating, electrocuting, and crushing a small army of Spider-Men to death, Cap finally finishes off the real deal when the arachnid gangster gets trapped in the path of a slow moving cart and (presumably) loses his head as a result. Man, decapitations aren't fun unless you get to see 'em happen...

But is the criminal mastermind of Istanbul really done for? Has Turkey seen the last of the wall crawler who can't really crawl up walls? Is the world safe from organized crime in Christmas spandex jumpsuits? You might say "Yes! Yes! For the love of God! YES ALREADY!" but, when Cap and Santo await their return flight(s) home from this horrible ass crack of a country, they recognize a large, mysterious, American made car pull up nearby. Who's that in the window? Could it be... No. Yes? Maybe. Not wanting to leave anything unfinished (and hating those THE END? finales as much as the rest of us), Cap races over to the car, grabs the masked person inside and *gasp*... it's just some stupid Turkish kid wearing a Spider-Man mask...

Ha..... haha............ ha.................................... ha.

Though it would assuredly have been a far better ending had Cap been so pissed he beat the kid to death, only to be dragged away by Turkish officials, put on trial for murder of a minor (minorcide?), then gunned down by a firing squad.

Hey! Where'd that kid get a Spider-Man mask anyway!?

Wow. I've been through thousands of movie experiences in my years, but never in all those years have I been privy to such an "experience" as, well, this. Here I was, expecting some horribly done piece of garbage that had little-to-nothing to do with the characters it was portraying (like Batman & Robin), but was further brutalized by utter nonsense and blithering confusion! Not only were the characters so far off base in sense of costumes, powers and general personalities, but the random pieces of out-of-left-field insanity (i.e. the laughing puppet people) was a staggering blow to my already wavering sanity! Damn, the only thing that movie was missing was Wonder Woman, Ultraman, Dick Tracy and Frankenstein.

Even the soundtrack was a monumental cluster fuck, a Frankenstein's monster of generic Hollywood tunes from old American films that seemed to be randomly chopped by a hibachi chef, then served to our auditory nerves on a rice bed of shrill distortion and ear splitting decibels! Like a haymaker to my sense of taste and logic, 3 Dev Adam is not for the weak of heart. True bad movie lovers only need apply, and even they may not go unscathed. Fanboys, bring your barf bags, cuz this is a mess. It's 10 gallons of nonsensical vomit in a pink 5 gallon cowboy hat with "TURKEY!" spelled out on a big neon sign, carried on the back of a Honduran midget with two heads and a wooden leg. David Lynch on hallucinogenic frog jizz makes more sense than this. I want to brand it as one of the most awful pieces of celluloid excrement I've ever seen, but I'm still really stumbling from the state of vertigo even talking about this movie has put me in, and so, I give it a rating of marshmallow... which means I give it a 'Q'... which means I give it two demonic smiley faces. Don't ask where that came from, I just kinda picked a number between one and five and went with it.