Anyway, enough hype, I've been waiting since 1998 to see this fucking movie made, so let's do this thing! Once more we return to the dark dystopian future of 12090 AD, where we follow the continuing exploits of everyone's favorite vampire hunter, the half-man, half-vampire, all ass-kicker Dunpeal with the talking hand: D! Yes, as you probably guessed from the title, D is back and ready to hunt some bloodsuckers, as he's hired by the Elborne family to save young Charolette Elborne from her kidnapper, the vampire Aristocrat known as Meier Link, who took Charolette from her bed in our very impressive opening scene. I do have to ask why the horse team pulling Meier's carriage takes eyewear fashion tips from Cyclops of the X-Men... D's not alone in this contract to bring back young Charolette, as the Elbornes have also offered up to the Markus Brothers, a team of bounty hunters who specialize in obliterating vampires with extreme prejudice. The group consists of their leader, Borgoff, who's never caught without a big cigar in his mouth and a big toothy grin plastered on his lips. In addition to his big choppers, Borgoff also wields an arm mounted crossbow with which he fires rains of silver bolts on his fanged adversaries. The other Markuses are the fruity and occasionally goofy Kyle, who specializes in silver blades he can spin like buzzsaws (handy for decapitating the undead); the man giant Nolt, whose face is adorned with a painted on crucifix and whose massive croquet mallet is adorned with a large silver spike; their "adopted sister" Leila, who likes to dress in skin tight red leather and leaves almost nothing left of her targets when they meet the business end of her concussive handgun, which just annihilates solid matter (and should probably be used on her gnarly she-sideburns... uggh); and the last Markus, Grove... we'll talk about him later.

When we first see this happy troupe of hunters, they show off their stuff as they exterminate a town full of Nosferatu, created by Meier Link to slow down anyone who might be following him. After decapitating, perforating, disintegrating and just flat out slaughtering the mob of unfriendly orthodontal nightmares, Borgoff hears a horse in the distance, and without finding out what it is, simply lets an arrow fly aimed right for it... and guess who just happens to be on that horse... I'll give you a hint: it ain't the Lone Ranger. Yes, it's D, putting his superman balls on display for all as he catches the bolt mere inches from his face, snaps it in half, introduces himself with a single letter ("D" of course!), and rides off, leaving the Markuses with their jaws dropped. The only one not so impressed by the awe-inspiring grace and power that is the Dunpeal hunter D is Leila, who instead pops a Venus Wars style uni-motor-cycle off of the Markus Family anti-vampire SUV and pursues the competition. While on Meier's trail, D finally pops out the comedy relief, bringing out his parasitic familiar, known simply as Lefthand (voiced here by "Whose Line Is It Anyway"'s Mike McShane of all people), to help him track their prey. Personally, I liked Lefty in the first Vampire Hunter D, as he just seems kinda, I don't know, cheesy this time... odd that a talking hand could be cheesier in one situation as opposed to another... don't worry, I'm as confused as you...

D finally locates Meier's resting house, in a secluded stretch of forest. A resting house is really just as it sounds, it's a place a vampire snoozes during the day to protect him from potential enemies at his most vulnerable state. Meier's resting house is pretty top-of-the-line too, as it's entire outside surface is cloaked to make it blend in with the rest of the surroundings... though it's not exactly hard to notice, unless you're the kind of person who sees warps and shifts in reality on a daily basis. However, if anyone should happen a little too close, Mr. Link is prepared, as hundreds of mechanical eyes hidden throughout the structure's surface fire deadly lasers aplenty at potential interlopers and unlucky furry little woodland creatures! Being the true professional he is, D simply grabs a handful of pebbles and flicks them around to distract the eyes as he casually strolls up to the building and begins looking for the entrance. But, just as the sun begins to set, Leila comes zooming from the woods like Meatloaf out of Hell (there's no such thing as a bad Meatloaf joke), dodges the lasers with relative ease, SCALES THE WALLS in a freakish slap in the face to Isaac Newton and comes down on Meier, who is making his escape into the darkness on his coach... I just hope Craig T. Nelson can carry him... there's no such thing as a bad Craig T. Nelson joke either... or is that, "there's no such thing as a GOOD Craig T. Nelson joke"?

Leila unleashes a round of bazooka fire on the escaping Mr. Link, only to have it deflect from Meier's evil magic vampire cape and thereby swallow her in an inverted rain of white hot shrapnel, one piece of which manages to put a sizable piercing through her left boob! I'm hope for her sake those funbags are real, or she's gonna have a serious mess. Meier doesn't get away scott free though, as D descends upon the carriage and he and the long toothed menace have their first encounter. Hell, the horses are 80% mechanized anyway, it's not like you really need someone to DRIVE the carriage! Their first clash of steel could be marked a victory for D, as he does score a knick on Meier's wardrobe, which may have left him open for a killing blow, had D not been distracted by the cries of Charlotte, who actually sounds concerned for Link's well being... was it really a kidnapping, or could what Meier says be true and she really is in love with the vampire? Well, D doesn't have a lot of time to consider this possibility though, as a wild swing by Meier catches the distracted hero and sends him skidding across the pavement, allowing the bad guy to escape. As for D, his next move is to help out Leila, who's passed out by this point, only to wake up with her top unzipped and her boobs bandaged... guess D gets a little rough in those situation, heh heh. Of course, D did nothing of the sort and simply nursed her wound, much to her disbelief as she accuses him of molesting her and berates him for taking off her top without her permission, being a typical pigheaded broad and neglecting to point out that D also saved her life, not just as a human being he hardly knows, but as the competition for his $20 million bounty... what a bitch.

The next leg of our story takes us to the cursed city of Barbaroy, infamous for the mutants and various monsters that inhabit it. The Barbarois aren't just a mass of creatures who wander about their domain aimlessly, occasionally engaging in fights like the inhabitants of Monster Island, but they're a fully functioning community of Gypsy mercenaries who have faithfully served the creatures of the night in their wheelings and dealings for over 5000 years! Speaking of which, a mysterious figure has paid the Barbarois handsomely to guard Meier's carriage for the rest of his journey, which just made D's job a whole lot harder. Despite overwhelming odds, our hunting hero strides right into the middle of town and requests that the leader of the Barbarois (a bizarre old man on a unicycle who "admires" D's delicate, yet strong, features... in other words he's an elderly butt pirate) call off their protection of the vampire and his captive/lover. Normally you'd call any man who made such a request in this position a candidate for signing his own death warrant... and dressing like Napoleon Bonaparte and rowing his canoe down imaginary waters while singing the entire "Psyklohoma" stage play (possibly THE funniest episode of The Brak Show to date). But, this is D we're talking about, after seeing what he did to the throngs Magnus Lee, he can take down an entire populace of freaks and weirdoes (or a short-lived season of Freaks and Geeks for that matter), right? Well, D seems confident, but not enough so that he thinks he can actually come out of this situation alive... looks like somebody's gonna regret not having friends here pretty quick.

Speaking of friends, before D gets the chance to show us what he can do against such overwhelming odds, the Markus Bunch ("all of them had weapons of mass destruction, uhm, something something..." dammitt, I don't rhyme, so sue me!) interjects, taking sweet revenge for their brother Nolt's demise as Grove shows us what he can do. Despite looking feeble in the physical strength department, Grove can project his astral form, which unleashes a holocaust of phantasmal righteousness on the unsuspecting denizens of Barbaroy! After nuking half the goons, Grove the Vengeful Ghost takes chase after the carriage, only to have his attacks sucked up by the void of Benge's cloak before turning his attention to the pursuing D. When he tries to blast a few burning open wounds into D too, the hunter shows why he's the best at what he does, leaping over the bolts of energy and taking out the ghost with a single slash of his fabled samurai vampire destroying blade... meaning it's a samurai sword he uses to kill vampires, not a sword he uses to kill samurai bloodsuckers... just wanted to clarify. With his spectral incarnation *kaput*, Grove regains physical consciousness and the Markuses can make their move with their main resistance out of the way. As for their main competition, D catches up with the carriage, only to be ensnared in Benge's cloak o' darkness, paralyzed in Limbo as his robo-steed crashes to a messy end at the bottom of a gorge. Hmmmmm, how will D get out of this sticky situation Junior Vampire Hunters?! Tune in next week, same Dunpeal time, same Dunpeal channel!

Following their own pursuit of the vampire coach, the Markuses catch up to it in a patch of desert wasteland that appears to have been an oil mining operation that has since dried up. Suddenly, the Barbarois shapeshifter Caroline bonds with their recreational vehicle of death, perforating the entire thing with thorns of liquid steel and turning it over! Meanwhile, D finally escapes the confines of Benge's cape (likely gone unwashed for years) with the help of Lefthand, who devours the spell and gives D his freedom. Not long after Benge discovers this unfortunate news, he's tricked by Kyle and Borgoff, who avenge the fallen Nolt by nearly splitting the cackling shadow demon laterally! And thus ends the role of possibly the film's coolest villain... a moment of silence if you will........ okay, that's more than enough of that. While Borgoff attempts to repair the SUV's impaled fuel tanks, Kyle and Leila head to the nearest town for something to fill those damaged fuel tanks. Who should show up but D, who gets hassled by the fuzz when Leila informs the sheriff that a Dunpeal (remember, reviled by humans AND vampires) is in his town. Dropping everything else, the prim and proper pig fucker and his squad of badged thugs corner D at a small livery stable, where he's purchased a new ride from an old man. When the cops try to run D out of town without his new mecha-horse, the old man pulls out a sizable cannon of his own, holding the bigot lawmen hostage as he tells the story of how a Dunpeal saved his life as a boy, only to be screwed over by the locals, because of his half-vampire blood. As reparations for the way D was treated, the old guy holds the 5-0 dead in their tracks while he rides off, back on the trail of Meier... yes, D's a Dunpeal, meaning he doesn't age and looks pretty good for being 10625 years old... of course, that's just an estimate, as he's the bastard son of Dracula and all... what am I, the DMV?! DO I look like I work at the Social Security office?!

Further on in our adventure, while resting up at a picturesque watering hole/Roman (?) ruins, Charolette's enjoying her first dose of solar radiation when she's approached by our favorite Dunpeal. D tries to convince her that Meier's a no good punk despite all his chit chat about loving her and being devoted to her and other such pillow talk. She insists that she loves him and what they have is pure and good and etc. and refuses to return to her family, no matter what the price on her head. But, before she can make her point Leila pops up out of nowhere, bitch slaps her and is already staking her claim on the dinero! But, the Barbarois don't give up on their contracts, which Caroline holds true to, descending down on Leila and knocking her stupid! She and D then do their dance, Caroline bonding with a tree and attempting to stake her adversary with a rain of spikes like a big oak iron maiden... of all the times D has to succumb to sunstroke. Yeah, he may be a Dunpeal and he may be able to stroll about in the sun, but just like me, too much sun is a BAD thing that leads to physical pain and crippling fatigue. Then again, I get that just by going to the bathroom after dinner at Chi-Chi's, so I guess I can't just blame that giant burning star for my body's inadequacies. But, in spite of his weakened state, D manages to do his best Errol Flynn impression and swoops down upon the Barbarois bitch via a vine and lobs off her head, getting swashbuckler on her ass! Although victorious, D faints afterwards as Leila witnesses his plight.

Before she can make any kind of decision on what to or not to do (THAT is the question), our heroine-of-sorts is attacked by Caroline, who's not about to let a little thing like decapitation keep her from her Barbarois duties! Not a surprise, when D comes to he's buried up to his neck is moist top soil courtesy of Leila. Not to worry though kids, that's the cure for Dunpeal sunstroke, as the earth not only provides the body with protection from the sun, but it also restores the life to them, hence why vampires sleep in coffins filled with a liberal amount of dirt. The two then have a little heart-to-heart where D tries to convince Leila that the hunter's life is nothing for a human, as they have the chance to live real lives and live happily ever after. As for D and the rest of the Dunpeals, they live as hunters because they can't have normal lives, so hunting is the only thing they can do. It's likely a psychological aspect that the Dunpeals do, focusing their anger and hatred of being shunned by society toward the vampires, as if by eliminating the world of bloodsuckers, they'll in turn eliminate their vampire sides and be accepted by humanity... Ogre Slayer is an anime that's a prime example of this psychology, only it concerns ogres instead if vampires. I recommend it, albeit a tad short and neglecting focus on the title hero, but I've already invested way too much time and effort into this review to be spending any more lines on other anime, so forgive me for getting back on track.

After the rain stops, Leila and D are back to their separate ways. A few miles up the trail thought, Kyle and Borgoff set up a little roadblock for Meier's ride, blowing up a section of bridge and sending the lycanthropic driver into the river below with a silver arrow in his shoulder. The two then pull Charolette out into the sunlight, before staring slack jawed and stupefied when Mr. Link crawls from the safety of his low rider chariot and out into the scorching solar rays, sparking flames and extreme agony for him as he fights on to protect his beloved human. A rather touching moment as seen by Leila from about 5 miles away through her fancy digital binoculars, but a non-stop comedy riot for Kyle and Borgy, who just watch on and wait for the moment to lose it's amusement so they can kill off Meier, claim Charolette and go get their cash. But, before they can finish off the dapper vampire master, the final Barbarois guardian reappears, none the worse for wear (though I bet the wet dog smell's overpowering) and slashes Kyle like a spiral ham and nearly taking Borgoff's left eye as a bonus! Not one for a one-on-one confrontation, Borg then sets off the explosives he had hidden under the bridge, diving into the river below to save himself... only to find that the Gypsy wolf man was busy relocating those very discharges into the river, meaning Borg gets a face full of surf and the bad guys get away again, continuing their journey to the infamous Castle Chaffe (yeah, my ass is infamous for chaffing).

Why is the castle so infamous? Well, according to Lefthand (not only a mystic familiar and comedy relief, but also a fountain of information to help drive the plot along!) it once belonged to a selfish, greedy, egomaniacal vampire queen by the name of Hillary Rodham-Clinton... though for the sake of movie her name is changed to Carmilla. Anyway, D's dad, Count Dracula, really didn't like Carmilla and decided to put an end to her whip cracking bitch-fests and impaled her on his sword while she snoozed in her coffin... she was probably a horrible snorer too, hence why he killed her in her sleep. Anyway, seems vampires' tainted spirits live on long after their physical forms are destroyed, which allows Carmilla to haunt her palace now and populate it with demons and phantasms. It's not exactly Club Med, for humans OR Dunpeals, which spells trouble for our entire cast. However, she's the one who hired the Barbarois to protect Mr. Link's coach, so maybe she's not so horrible after all? Speaking of the Barbarois, the wolfen driver goes down in a less-than-spectacular battle with D, getting cut in half and dying in a fight that lasts all of 4 seconds. Although they all crapped out, in the end the Barbarois lived up to their end of the bargain and did get Meier to the castle safely, so I'll have to keep them in mind next time I need some dirty work done... like the gutters (OF THE DAMNED!) cleaned or my oil (OF LOST SOULS!) changed. At the castle, Carmilla (or likely her ghost) is making the young interspecies couple at home, until she shows her true colors and starts tossing illusions around like a monkey chuckin' poo!

When the last remaining hunters also make it to the castle, they get the same treatment, as each is subjected to their innermost fears and desires. Ultimately, Borgoff gives in and winds up a vampire minion, Charlotte winds up with a severe bleeding problem from her neck, Meier winds up cut in half (though not necessarily out of the picture), Leila barely escapes a chandelier pancaking thanks to D pulling her out of the way, and D of course realizes his is all a scam and ends it before it really even gets going. Borgoff then appears with a shiny new pair of elongated canines, and threatens to kill Leila if D doesn't give himself up. Instead of having to make that decision though, Grove uses the last ounce of his strength to take on his astral form, grab onto Borg and go kamikaze, exploding his own essence to kill his brother and save the woman he loves... and Leila's now all alone again, just like that. Meanwhile, using Charolette's spilled blood to put the finishing touches on an elaborate ruse to resurrect her withered carcass, Carmilla's plot is about to hit fruition, until she makes the fatal mistake of getting in D's way. Thinking her magic and her dark soul will be enough to stop the bastard half-breed son of Dracula, she tries to bad mouth D for killing his own people (a debate that Magnus Lee made in the last film, rather unsuccessfully I might add as we all remember how that ended: with lots of blood and the complete destruction of the House of Lee!), only to be cleaved in half and made a late night snack for Lefty... I gots to get me one of those damn it! Without a soul her gore drenched body is about to lose it's only chance for resurrection, and does so when Meier pulls himself together (literally no less) and turns her gooey remains into so much spilled Campbell's Tomato Soup. Also, without her lifeforce to sustain it, Castle Chaffe begins to crumble around our heroes' ears... apparently a common thing with vampires.

Well, with Carmilla taken care of, there's just one last matter to take care of: the bounty on Charolette. Though she's dead (the bounty did stand for dead OR alive after all), Meier still wants to keep her corpse, likely for necrophilia related purposes, though since he's dead too I guess it's really not the same... For sentimental purposes he still intends to pack her body up in Carmilla's spaceship and blast off to the mythical vampire city in the stars (the whole intention of this trip in the first place) and die as happy a vampire as he can I guess. On the other hand, D needs the body to claim his dough, so the two clash in a none-too-action-packed final bout, which consists mostly of D's sword pressed against Mr. Link's cape/wing as they look at each other menacingly. D finally pokes Meier in the shoulder and lets him go with Charolette's body, settling for the girl's ring as proof enough of her demise. Though this should disappoint many viewers who have been waiting the entire movie for a breathtaking clash of the titans, I prefer to look at it this way: D could've kicked Meier's ass with ease, but instead let him go out of pity. Yes, just as Meier asks D himself "why did you not go for my heart?", he too realizes that D's the superior in this fight, meaning that though he doesn't go through with it, everybody involved knows D's the fucking MAN! Besides, it takes a bigger man to go the route of less senseless deaths without giving up entirely... though personally I just go for the route of excessive senseless deaths, because I'm an insecure God of Death and Embalming.

So, Link blasts off to the stars with Charolette's body and the castle tumbles as Leila cheers the starshot lovers on from a same distance and D just sits there, his usual strong and silent self. As you can probably guess, this is a sign of Leila's new lease on life, as she puts the killing behind her and takes D's words to heart. Our epilogue proves this moreso, as D attends a certain friend's funeral, a friend who went on to become a grandmother and died of old age instead of being torn asunder at the hands of a random bounty. After a heartwarming little chat with Leila's granddaughter, D actually cracks a smile, shows he's really softy deep down and rides off into the sunset, accompanied by a new ending theme and one final bad joke courtesy of Lefty, thus ending the best damn anime I've seen since Princess Mononoke! So this is what it's like when doves cry...

It's no surprise how amazing this modern classic anime really is, when you realize that Yoshiaki Kawajiri, VHD:Bloodlust'd director and writer, is also the director of Demon City Shinjuku , Wicked City , Neo-Tokyo and pulls double duty as writer and director of both fan and critical favorites The Cockpit and Ninja Scroll! There's so many spiffy scenes, it's hard to pick a favorite. From the heavy atmosphere of the opening sequence, to the Clint Eastwood-esque stand-off in the stable scene, to the Markus Family introduction, to the almost heart touching epilogue, to just about every fucking minute of D, it's all awe-inspiring and all so... just... I mean... ooooooooh, there goes another climax... Now for a couple interesting little factoids: Mike McShane, the voice of Lefthand, also played Friar Tuck in Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves and provided additional voices for another gorgeous fantasy anime, Princess Mononoke. Also providing additional voices for Mononoke was John Lee, who gave Meier Link his distinct and elitist tone. He also provided the voice of Jason Wynn, the white collar nemesis of the caped corpse Spawn, in Spawn: The Animated Series... of which Mike McShane also contributed the voice of geeky little police detective Twitch Williams... Coincidence? Yeah, sure, what else would it be? Jeez, sometimes you internet people are so fucking paranoid... I'm glad The X-Files is almost finally over... Well, as I hope you've gotten as the point of this review, there are no words I can really say to convey how excellent an anime this really is. It's simply a perfect sequel that actually manages to do it's predecessor proud and is not to missed by fans of gothic, fantasy, horror, action, suspense, drama, or the Japanese art form of anime. So, get your coat with the extra deep pockets, hit your local Sam Goody or Suncoast, tempt the law, and do something good for yourself for once in your life.