The story hearkens back to the 1870s, when vampires (who had been around since the dawn of civilization) decided it was finally time to get themselves organized, as in "Hoffa with fangs". In Chicago, the Capa Nostra Society (i.e. the bloodsucker mafia) was formed by immigrant undead, presided over by one Johnny Terrori. Across seas, in Dusseldorf, was created the Vampire Group, whose first president was, you guessed it, Count Dracula... he always seems to get in there somewhere...

Like any prominent political figure, the Count had offspring, including Werner Amadeus, one son who took up the science of, well, science, and created a heavy duty sunblock for his Nosferatu brethren. The formula was perfected in 1905 following the deaths of numerous vampire canines... I guess vampire rats weren't as readily available for guinea pigging... or vampire guinea pigs for that matter...

But, when Drac tried out the solution for himself, he discovered a little too late that vampire dogs and vampire, errr, vampires have enough differences in their systems to make it an unfortunate failure, leaving the king of vampires little more than fertilizer when he goes out for an early morning cup of poontang (no, not Pootie Tang). Werner was exiled by his fellow vamps and took his notes and his nephew, Joseph Emmanuel, to Antilles, Cuba to work further on his formula, based around rum and pineapple... so the key to protecting yourself from solar radiation is to drink jungle juice...

Anyway, Werner used Jose as a test subject (a vamp who puts his work ahead of his family... I can relate) and succeeded in giving the kid a life under the Cuban sun, making him the first vampire with a healthy Caribbean tan. Almost 30 years later, after Jose grew up to be Pepe, a trumpet player ignorant of his vampiric responsibilities, Uncle Werner was finally sure his recipe was a success... it took him 3 decades to be sure?! Then again, I guess being responsible for your father's death could do that to a guy...

Meanwhile, the Capa Nostras and the Vampire Group started fussin' and a feudin' and Cuba came under the iron moustache rule of one General Machado's tyranny. As for Joseph, he joined the Cuban revolutionaries, still unaware of his Nosferatu roots... though everyone else seems to have no trouble noticing... or is he just called a "vampire" in the joking sense?

In Europe, the Nostras meet with the Group to offer them an absurdly insulting $1000 for Dracula's castle, the keystone of the European vampires. With ownership of the castle, Terrori will control all the vampires of the world through his Vampire Beaches Inc. Don't ask me why it's called Vampire Beaches Inc., don't ask me if it has anything to do with real vampires and real beaches, just go along with it. Under the threat of retaliation by Mr. "Big Stake" Terrori, the council replies with an open sunroof, turning Mr. T's emissary into a pile of ash, leaving them unaffected thanx to Werner's miracle SPF 3000 sunblock, Vampisol™. The only problem now is that Werner and his stupid "ideals" want to distribute the shite for free, while Terrori and the Council both want to get the formula for themselves and, yes, I'm going to say it, suck their fellow vampires dry... or at least their wallets... hey, I gave you advanced warning damn it.

Upon further viewing, it seems that the "Vampire Beaches" are nightclubs for vampires that are actually artificial beaches. Complete with real sand, real ocean water and real fish, the only thing not real on these indoor vacation spots is the sunlight, provided by a 50 watt bulb hanging from the ceiling. How these "beaches" are supposed to give Mr. T control over the vampire populace is a scalp scratcher to me. I mean, couldn't these bloodsuckers get the same effect painting their bathroom walls in beach scenes and taking a bath with some goldfish in their trunks? It's what I do on those dreary winter days and it works fine for me.

Anyway, with the news that Von Dracula's perfected his formula, Terrori's Vampire Beaches venture looks to be going south unless he can stop Vampisol™ from widespread distribution. As for Joseph, after he and his friends do a little damage to the "democracy" they become the target of la policia, forcing Joseph to go into hiding. As for Uncle Werner, he finally reveals to his nephew his long toothed heritage... and gives him his official cape... yeah, my uncle used to try and convince me I was gay too, but he got it through his head that I wasn't falling for it after the first 4 or 5 kicks to the scrotal nether-region...

Everybody converges on Werner's HQ at once, with the Nostras, the Council and the local police force all making their move for different reasons, resulting in one big cluster fuck. Jose escapes with the formula, with Uncle Werner becoming one big dust bunny. So now everybody, human AND vampire, is on Joseph's ass trying to either obtain the formula or kill the lad. The Council gets a hold of Joseph's babe Lola and hold her hostage until Jose arrives with the formula. Of course the Nostras pop in for the big gangster showdown as everyone goes into a scramble for the paper holding the Vampisol™ secret formula. The mafia winds up with it, but when Terrori realizes that it's made Joseph more human than vampire over the course of his using it, he laughs it all off, saying no vampire would want to take Vampisol™ if it meant giving up the good things in vampire life, like the taste for blood and the invulnerability to normal human weapons! So, he gives the Council the formula instead, positive that his Vampire Beaches are safe for Capitalism... until his human mob backer Mr. Al Tapone comes along looking for his financial returns.

Terrori winds up just another victim of gangster love and a cement Zoot suit, while the Council strikes a deal with Tapone to manufacture Vampisol™ to the masses. As for Jose and his revolutionary amigos, they've toppled General Machado and the world's safe for spicy Cuban music... and Joseph turns the recipe into a song, broadcasts it to all the bloodsuckers of the world via Vampire International Radio (luckily all the vampires in the world seem to speak Spanish and one vampire ham radio can broadcast to EVERYBODY), thus foiling the Council's hopes of fortune, ruining the Vampire Beaches' novelty and forcing all the bloodsuckers to get minimum wage employment. Oh, and as an even sappier/happier final note, Joseph and Lola get married, have kids and own a successful beach side club... that Castro probably had burned to the ground later on anyway.

Though it may look like a fun alternative to Pokemon™, Vampires In Havana is not a kids movie. There are plenty of tits and ass to go around, not to mention repeated comments of "You Mothers!" which, though it does cut off the "fuckers" part, still could count as a negative message for the kiddies. Though I'd show it to my jackallings, I wouldn't recommend you do so with yours. However, for the older kiddies like me, it can be a fun flick. I got a kick out of some of the little touches, like the guns that shoot wooden stakes and the ineffectiveness of crucifixes, especially when the Italian member of the Council pulls out his own gold cross and kisses it, heh heh.

The animation is extremely dated by modern standards, but it's like Ralph Bakshi's work in that it can continue on as a solid, adult oriented, animated movie that can yank a little chuckle here or there with it's subject matter. My first Cuban movie and a pretty darn good one at that, though lacking something to really stab it in the ass enough to put it to the next level as, say, Fritz The Cat or Street Fight, two American made animations for the grown-up kids that work a lot better in delivering a message and a laugh.