Definitely up there with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Cannibal Holocaust as one of the greatest man-eat-man flicks the Tomb has ever known, Motel Hell combines TCM with some of the better aspects of Eating Raoul to make a darkly humorous Rorey Calhoun-o-rama complete with more vehicular homicide, cannibalism, and chainsaw fighting than those fancy motor lodge chains offer!
Our story focuses on the brother-sister duo of Vincent (Calhoun) and Ida (my sister in 30 years): a couple of backwoodsy folk who run the good ol' Motel Hello. Out of the Motel, they sell their famous smoked meats to customers and passers-by. Pretty normal in a Deliverance sort of way, right? Well, here's where the fun stuff comes in. See, "it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters!", as the slogan would say, and to get these "special ingredients", Vince has to go out and do a little hunting each night. Where as most hunters stick to the forests and meadows though, Vince goes to the ever reliable highway. Nope, it’s not roadkill he’s after. Yep, the smoked meats are made with always tangy Homo-Sapien meat!
Well, one night, as Vince is "restocking" his supply, he takes out a motorcycling couple. Problem though, as the babe survives. Now, not being the kind to let an animal suffer, Vince does the P.E.T.A. thing and takes the girl back to the motel, so he and Ida can nurse her back to health. Terry (the chick) pulls through, but is devastated when she hears her biker boyfriend is corpsed up. She takes solace, for some disturbing reason, in the arms of Farmer Vincent though. As their relation grows, Vince must still hide from her their little side business as he and Ida proceed to capture folk, hack up their vocal cords, and bury them up to their necks in the backyard, preparing them for processing. He manages pretty well in hiding it, thanks to the Roofies the duo slip to Terry each night. Terry’s also kept occupied thanks to Vin’s overly hormonal kid brother and sheriff of the county: Bruce. Think of him as the human half-breed offspring of Deputy Dog and Barney Fife (I think that's how you spell it).
Well, while Vince and Ida do their job, Bruce takes Terry out, trying to slip his greased up piggy hooves in her panties. Bruce's "suave" attempts are to on avail though, because Ter wants to ride Vincent's withered old bone instead! But, since Vince is one of those insipid conservative types, he insists on only fucking his wife. As such, the crazy old fart proposes to Terry and the two make plans to get married. Christ, Even Rorey Calhoun gets more tail than I do!
Bruce though, in his rage of jealousy (and overlooking the legendary super pheromones of Rory Calhoun), thinks that Terry's been brainwashed or something and goes to try and kick Vince's ass. When his older bro hands his ass to him, badge and all, Bruce uncovers the misdeeds that his brother and sister have been up to in their smokehouse, telling Terry the whole shebang. Meanwhile, Vince and Ida's cash crop dig themselves free, hungry for revenge! Vince admits to his evil deeds, but when he invites Terry to join him and Ida in their culinary mischief, she spits in his face like the snobby bitch she is. This leads to a final battle between Vince (wearing a pig's head!) and Bruce. The weapons? Chainsaws!
Sadly, Vince loses the duel while the walking ingredients find and beat Ida, burying her upside down in the ground. It ends with a startling revelation as Vince, with his dying words, admits to using preservatives, the ultimate food processing sin. Then, for a final laugh, the "o" at the end of the Motel Hello sign explodes.
Seriously, this is one damn fine flick! Not only are hopeful food service professionals of the world privy to the workings behind a successful cannibalism business, but everybody else gets maiming, mutilation and one sweet mother of a chainsaw duel that's up there with the those seen in Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 and Phantasm II! We also get Rorey Calhoun doing what he does best: standing and walking! The flick had this whole surreal redneck appeal to it, but plenty of dark and subtle humor to keep it interesting. Plus, ya gotta love the variety of victims that go into Farmer Vincent's smoked meats! Those infamous fritters get a taste of everything; from ski-bunny hookers to a swingers couple to a cheesy heavy metal band called "Ivan and the Terribles", featuring Mr. Cliff Claven himself: John Ratzenberger! Trust me on this kiddies, if you don't like Motel Hell, well... then you can go fuck yourselves, because I loved it!
The Moral of the Story: When getting into a chainsaw duel, though wearing a pig's head may give you some element of surprise, it gives you a serious disadvantage as far as your line of vision...
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- If your friends don't like this movie, kick them in the shins repeatedly until they do. And if their shin breaks? Well, they've got two... unless your friend only has one leg, in which you're welcome to lay into their stump instead.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 or Basket Case
FEEDBACK
