Myself and Brother Ferox were sitting in mass communications class today, and there was a speaker from a local web design firm that came to talk to us. He told us all about his company, about the kinds of stuff they did, and he showed us some of the sites for different companies they’d done. I’d like to tell you something about ME&V web design firm and the websites they make. It can all be summed up in three words. Boring, suck, and shit. Those websites were drier than the crotch of a ninety-year-old whore. And speaking of the illegitimate son of God, today’s review is C.H.U.D. So sink your teeth into a juicy young slut and watch out for creatures in the sewers!

A woman walking her dog gets pulled under the credits as one of our heroes (more on that later), George Cooper, watches the streets with his camera zoom lens. His answering machine picks up the phone call he ignored, which is a friend of his desperate for some pictures to use for a news story. His girlfriend talks him into going to a perfume shoot she’s doing, and the phone rings. Off guard, he picks it up and it’s the guy wanting pictures again. He says he’s busy and hangs up.

We are teleported to the police station, where Captain Bosch is complaining that he has no time to waste on continuing to cover up the disappearances of bums all over the city. The chief says that he doesn’t have much of a choice, it’s orders from higher up. Bosch is our second hero. Elsewhere in the station, a bag lady has been arrested for trying to steal a street cop’s gun, and she uses her one phone call to get a hold of Cooper at the shoot. Turns out he did a photo piece on bums a few months back, and is counted among their friends, so he’s the only one she could turn to.

Bosch leaves the station to pay a visit to the local soup kitchen guy, A.J. (hero number three), who has called Bosch to ask him to do something about the bums disappearing from his kitchen. They talk to one of the Undergrounders, the resident doomsayer, who spews some crazy Biblical stuff and pulls a knife on them. Wisely, they leave him alone after that. I think I’ll get to that point I promised you here. This movie has more heroes than is really necessary. We have Cooper, Bosch, A.J., and I guess if you were really stretching, Cooper s wife could be a hero(ine), too. Do you really need four heroes? Why not share the wealth? Ross Hagen never once made a movie with a hero. Every character sucks as much as the next. Why not dole out a few to movies that need them?

Back to the precinct, Cooper comes to visit the bag lady. She tells him why she was arrested, and takes him to show him something, but the cops send a tail after them. The bag lady leads Cooper down into the sewers, and the cop leaves them alone, covering his mouth and running from the stench. She takes Coop to visit her brother, Victor, who was attacked by some “ugly fuckers”, which is why he wanted the gun she was trying to steal.

Bosch visits A.J. again, asking if he knows the missing bums. A.J. knows something is being covered up, and asks Bosch to tell him. Bosch says he doesn’t know, just that his wife was taken too (she was the lady from the beginning). In return for the info Bosch wants, A.J. asks to know about the Environmental Protection Agency probe in the underground which has been going on for several weeks longer than they usually do. When Bosch claims ignorance, A.J. takes him to see the gear he found that the EPA guys had left behind or lost. Exploring deeper into the tunnels, they find a giger counter, which surges. Then they hear a roar far down the tunnel. Wisely, again, they run the fuck away. It’s unusual to find such intelligence. For once, no one goes to explore the scary monster noise in the dark tunnel.

Outside on the street, grandpa and his granddaughter stop to make a call at a phone booth. The little girl huddles in the corner as grandpa is dragged out of the booth and into the sewers by an ugly fucker. The girl is taken to the police station where Bosch interviews her and she tells him about the monster. Recalling his own experience in the sewer earlier, Bosch calls the chief to set up a meeting with the commissioner, or he’ll spill the news to the papers. He rounds up A.J. and his lost EPA gear, and heads off to see the top brass. On the way, the break into Cooper’s apartment to get the picture he took of Victor’s leg, which had a huge bite mark on it.

In the meeting, the commissioner and a man from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission tell Bosch that nothing was going on. Bosch tells them about the little girl and about his and A.J.’s encounter in the sewer. The NRC man tells them about some old nuke waste that was temporarily parked under the city because they had orders not to move it. A.J. freaks out and demands to know what’s really going on. When NRC boy shuts him down, he heads for the newspapers, but NRC has him followed. After A.J. leaves, Bosch finds a classified file with C.H.U.D. printed on it. Just then, NRC gets a call that two gas company guys found a dead creature, and they go to investigate. He tells Bosch it stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. On the scene, a scientist tells them that the creature was once a human.

NRC sends a team down into the sewers to investigate, and Bosch reveals that he has a team down there as well, but they’re armed with flamethrowers instead of cameras. After a vicious attack in which both teams are destroyed, the mayor switches sides and asks NRC to spill the news to the public. NRC assures the mayor that they will find a way to rid New York of the monsters.

All this time, Cooper has been talking to Murph, a freelance reporter who’s told him that something strange has been covered up. After Murph convinces Cooper that he wasn’t the one who stole the picture of Vic’s leg, they mount their own expedition into the sewers. Bosch goes to tell A.J. about the monster he saw, and warns him about NRC’s plan to flood the sewers with gas, and A.J. runs to warn the doomsayer, who’s moved back into the underground. The doomsayer is killed, and A.J. is locked in the sewers with the creatures and the impending gas attack. Elsewhere, Cooper and Murph are attacked, and Murph is killed. A.J., looking for a way out, finds a room full of monsters and runs, coming across Cooper just in time to save him. Coop had found Vic partially C.H.U.D.ified and had killed him, and Vic’s sister was about to shoot Coop, but A.J. whacks her and they escape together.

Back at Cooper’s apartment, his wife is attacked by a creature, which she beheads with an antique ninja sword they just happened to have lying around. Under the city, Coop and A.J. find a chemical dump and the real meaning of C.H.U.D. Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal. They also find the cameras from the NRC team and mayday Bosch to help them get out. Bosch gets a hold of them and tells them how to get out, and they tell him about the waste dump. Cooper and A.J. escape with Bosch’s help just as the creatures reach them. Cooper’s wife arrives in time to warn them that Wilson is trying to kill them. A.J. shoots Wilson, and the explosive-wired truck he was trying to run them over with explodes.

Later, in a cozy little cafe, a radio man tells us that the government denies the existence of the creatures. Two police officers that you probably recognize just sit down for a cup of coffee as an army of creatures surround the cafe. And you thought it was safe to go into the sewers.