Never one to miss out on a trick, Lewis, directing for an psychic-crazed producer by the name of James F. Hurley, sought to capitalize on the ESP craze of the day with Something Weird, which was reportedly the original title of Blood Feast. Our story begins with our hero, Cronin Mitchell (Tony McCabe), working on a rooftop, where he is shocked by a power line, tumbles to the ground and gets shocked some more by the pissed-off live wire. He survives the fall, but he’s not the same Mitch we’ve come to know and love in the film’s opening seconds. First, the fall has a Phineas Gage effect on him, turning him into a deformed, sadistic asshole. Second, he has entered the dead zone and has ESP. He spends most of his time assaulting nurses with his sexual advances and earns a living as a dickhead fortune teller, until an old witch, credited only as “The Hag,” offers to give him his good looks back in exchange for being her lover. He sort-of accepts, which fixes his face, but flees at the thought of being forced to bang the haggard, raving old whore who cackles like Fran Drescher. But like a pro basketball team with Mark Blount on the roster, he finds out that signing a terrible contract can kick you in the nuts way down the line.

With smugness and movie-star good looks, Mitch begins appearing on TV as a psychic and gains notoriety. But something is wrong when he meets gorgeous babe Ellen (Elizabeth Lee. God damn women were hot in the 60s.) He finds he cannot read her mind, which makes him want to do her even more. Back home, he romances the luscious creature with the incredible body and beautiful face and perfect skin … I’m sorry, am I gushing? Anyway, she freaks Mitch out and sends my boner back from whence it came by revealing herself to be the scary old hag. Luckily, for the sake of getting to see more of Ms. Lee’s considerable assets, the hag assumes the appearance of Ellen when in public, and her and Mitch appear to be happy together as they dedicate their lives to proving that Mitch’s powers are for real. Before you can say “Christopher Walken,” Mitch and his occasionally incredibly hot babe (she likes to flash her ugly face for a second here and there, successfully choking off any thoughts you might have had about playing with your wiener) are enlisted by the police to help solve the random murders that interrupt the movie occasionally. Or at least that’s what some plot synopsis suggest, it all just seems like sitting around to me.

But before all that, Mitch hangs around a police station, entertains non-believers at a party and is enlisted to handle a hot-looking ghost babe at a church. As much as I love H.G. Lewis, I’d be lying if I said this crap didn’t grind the movie to a complete halt, but watching this Mitchell hanging out with cops and blond babes is still better than watching Joe Don Baker get lubed up with baby oil and slurp Schlitz. But unlike Joe Don and Linda Evans, this Mitchell love connection doesn’t seem headed to a happy ending. While Mitch is fooling around with a loopy brunette, Ellen is constantly being harassed by one Dr. Jordan, who was sent from Washington to test Mitchell’s psychic abilities but instead falls in love with the girl – and who wouldn’t? After Dr. Jordan forces himself upon her, Ellen commands (I think) Mitch to kill him using his powers. In a positively goofy scene right out of “Bewitched”, Dr. Jordan is attacked by his floating blanket but survives to tell the goofy tale to his colleagues.

Well, I’ve completely lost the psychic detective storyline, so let me take this opportunity to tell you about my new apartment. It’s a two-bedroom place in a quite college town that’s much nicer and bigger than my old one. The living room is fairly spacious with a small kitchen connected. My big, comfortable couch sits along one wall, facing my TV, Nintendo and PS3, which are flanked by two movie shelves. Since there’s only one of me, I’ve decided to put my bed, CD player and CD racks and other video games in one bedroom, and I think I’ll use the other one to keep my dresser and other random crap in. My place has Central Air® and out-front parking and it only costs me $320 a month plus very reasonable heat and water bills, or so I’m told.

Okay, I think I figured out what’s going on in the movie. Mitch, unable to figure out the identity of the killer he’s looking for with his own half-baked powers, takes LSD and has a freak-out in which he has contact with the killer, who turns out to be one Detective Maddox, a character who I didn’t realize was important to the movie until just now. Let’s have a hand for Lewis, the master of exploitation (fuck Corman and his million dollar empire of shitty movies, he’s got nothing on Lewis), who found a way to double-dip and cash in on both ESP and LSD. Before Mitch can take him down, Maddox shoots him down on a rooftop. Jordan chases him down and pops five caps in his unarmed ass, but, in a pretty sweet twist, he, apparently auditioning for an upcoming role of King David, waited until Mitchell was dead so he could steal his woman! A brilliant idea, but he only ends up with a decrepit old hag for his trouble. Isn’t that always the way when you arrange a guy’s death so you can bang his woman? Don’t miss the thrilling conclusion when Jordan, running for his life when he finds out he’s just been doomed to 40 years of grandma sex, trips and falls onto a hibachi grill, or something like that, and burns half his face off. I smell a sequel. Oh, that’s just scorched flesh and ooey, gooey irony.

Despite an almost complete lack of gore and a story that takes its sweet ass time unfolding, I can definitely say that Something Weird is a kick-ass view. Somehow, I found the acting in this movie to be pretty high by Lewis standards, though there are no Fuad Ramses or Abraham Gentry-like gems to report. Hardcore Lewis fans might be a little disappointed when they aren’t painted blood red, but all the goofiness, wooden dialogue and head-scratching moments we’ve come to know and love are still there. It’s another masterpiece of low-budget filmmaking and a damn good psychobilly freak-out.

DVD Xtras: The Special Edition DVD, of course from our friends at Something Weird Video, includes some cool special features, including commentary by Lewis accomplice David Friedman and a few selected LSD freak-outs, including a clip from the awesome Weird World of LSD, one of my favorite propaganda films ever.