Most intelligent beings were quick to point out that Saw’s chief dilemma – people waking up to find themselves trapped in a dungeon – was pretty much heisted wholesale from 1997’s Cube. In Cube, seven diverse individuals team up to escape a giant maze and to figure out what the hell they’re doing there. A neat idea, surely, but it wasn’t a new one by any stretch.

Cube, and many other movies and short stories, borrowed liberally from a classic "Twilight Zone" episode called "Five Characters in Search of an Exit", which was in turn adapted from a short story called "The Depository" by Marvin Petal. TV fans with brains take note, where Cube missed the mark somewhat and Saw failed miserably, "Five Characters" shines magnificently. I’m not trying to be an elitist here, because I’m sure that many shows and movies I love also borrowed from "The Twilight Zone". I’m just here to point out that A) This is an excellent episode that takes aim at a truly chilling situation and hits the bull’s-eye and B) Well, I just wanted to say that Saw sucked. It’s phenomenal, this movie. It was completely embarrassing and just dumb, yet the whole world doesn’t seem to care. Here’s what I mean: Ragnarok saw this movie in the theater (poor dumb bastard) and claims that the entire crowd was in stitches heckling this terrible film. I’d be inclined to believe him after trudging my way through it at home, except for the fact that I’ve NEVER, and I literally mean never, met a single human being that has anything but praise for this shitstorm of a movie. Everybody I know, except for Brother R, loves it. Has the world gone mad? WHO ARE YOU!? But, why dwell on a bad movie when you can watch a good "Twilight" Zone episode?

"Five Characters" opens with a character known only as the Major. He awakes to find himself trapped in a round, metal dungeon. He doesn’t know how he got there, and he doesn’t know who he is. He only knows he’s a major. He’s also not alone. He finds four whacked-out characters: a menacing, scornful clown, a graceful and quite beautiful ballerina, a hobo and a bagpipes player. Just like the Major, none of them know who they are, how they got there, why they never get hungry or thirsty, or worst of all, where that horrible bell that periodically rings at a deafening level is coming from. For everybody but the Major, that metal cylinder is their entire universe and they have come to accept their fate. The Major, as the newest member of the fab five, frantically searches for a way out while the others sit by all ho-hum, telling him that they’ve tried everything. This is the second really chilling aspect of this episode: it illustrates the fear we have that the harder we struggle, the worse our problems get. It’s something we all fear from time to time, I think. The Major does succeed in energizing his brethren by concocting a plan in which all they form a human tower that will allow one of them to climb out and get help. The first attempt fails, as the ballerina falls and strains her leg. They try again, this time finding success by using the Major’s broken sword as a grappling hook to climb out of. The Major climbs out, only to…

SPOILER: Fall out into the snow. In a nasty twist, the prison is only a barrel in which donated toys are kept. The old lady, with bell in hand, watches as a little girl picks up the Major doll and puts him back into the barrel. The episode ends with the five dolls lying at the bottom of the lonely barrel, a tear falling from the ballerina’s eye.

This episode is a masterpiece of surrealism that hit me especially hard because, as a young child, I always had a fear that my toys had lives of their own. It bothered me not because they were going to spring to life and kill me Chucky-style, it bothered me because I thought they got sad when they were neglected and hurt when they were broken. Yeah, laugh now fuckers, but how do you know they don’t? And of course, as with any Rod Serling-penned "Twilight Zone" episode, the acting, tension and overall mood are far more powerful than my plot synopsis could ever begin to cover. As with all the better Twilight Zones, the ending only leaves you guessing and wanting more. Have the toys always been alive? Were they once people who became toys? Were they themselves the same and had the outside world changed? Were they only alive when they were inside the barrel? You could argue for hours on this one.

As if you needed me to tell you this, go out and get yourself one of the "Twilight Zone" definitive season DVD box sets, you won’t be disappointed. Or, you know, watch Saw again you dumbass. If you’re out there saying “Fuck you Fistula, I was going to anyway” than you’re beyond my help. Go saw yourself in two, it’s your fault they made one sequel and are making another one right now. I hope you’re happy with yourself. Go to sleep in the knowledge that the world is a terminally stupid place because of you.