Or Something

You should understand that title once this review gets going. For now, just prepare yourself by dropping some acid or eating mushrooms, or something.

While you're waiting to peak, let me address the question that is most likely running through your head. That being: "How the hell does a soft-core nudie flick fit in to a horror/sci-fi review site?"

I know you're confused. I was confused, as well. But, as you read along, I think you may understand. See, there's death and weirdness. And our host is the most telling reason, alone.

I intended this to be a short review for the Wednesday update, but as I worked on it, it became longer and longer. Finally, I couldn't avoid the fact that I absolutely HAD to give this thing my full attention.

So, feeling the drugs kicking in, yet? Good. Strap in and let's get started.

This movie starts out with a completely naked woman standing up from a sitting position, in slow motion, and you're thinking "YES"! Then the two guys sitting next to her begin to stand up, as well. To your horror, you realize that they are completely naked, too, and you think "Aw, SHIT".

Yeah, well. I guess you gotta take the good with the bad. ("The Facts of Life" taught us that, Tootie!)

Next, we have a lengthy and completely narrated story (Sometimes the actors mouth their words, but the narrator just tells us what they're saying.) about some bitch who was (or wasn't!) cheating on her husband and the chest that the lover was (or wasn't!) hiding in. The husband has the chest buried, without opening it, and we hit our cyko-dellik credits.

Secrets of Sex really deserves its alternate title of Bizarre. Most definitely. That's what's on the DVD box, but the actual film has Secrets of Sex. Apparently, in order to keep retail stores from thinking it was strictly a porno or something, they used the alternate title for the DVD release. I dunno. Fucking buy the DVD and read the insert, dammit.

Here's the main reason why Bizarre is more appropriate (and the film is appropriate for this site): It's narrated by a talking mummy. Yes. A talking mummy.

He thinks he's an authority about the struggle of the sexes cuz he's been around for thousands of years, or something.

As he introduces himself and rambles on incoherently, though, a hot, dark-haired girl, dressed in black leather, starts to take off her clothes and she's wearing garters and all that and then she starts to take THAT stuff off. All in slow motion and in front of a white screen in a black room. So, while it doesn't make that much sense, it will definitely hold your attention. (And some guys might be holding something else. hehehe....sorry.)

There's a long and protracted sequence where the mummy tells us to imagine that we're either making love to all these different girls or guys or they were making love to us, or something. It's all good until some chick gets water dumped on her head for some reason. Then there's a scene where a group of girls are dancing and taking off their clothes and you hear a bunch of "Boo"-ing from the invisible crowd and the chicks are hit with tomatoes and lettuce (Why? I'd PAY to watch that shit.) and then the guys show up holding huge guns and the crowd cheers and the guys shake the guns at the chicks.

Look. I'm as confused as you are. Just stick with me and we might make it through this thing.

After all this madness the film settles into a series of unconnected stories broken up by our mummy friend who keeps making little to no sense.

A female photographer is photo-ing a young guy for a book on torture. It's all fun and games until she goes for the cover-shot. That being the "Spanish Horse". It's basically a saw-horse, except the top part is a blade. So, dude has weights attached to his feet and Ms. Photog and her silent slut go for lunch. Dude dies a most unpleasant death.

A female scientist gives birth to a mutant for the old fuck she apparently loves, or something. I dunno. YOU try to make sense of this.

A female burglar and the guy who caught her in his house take a very long and goofy shower, roll around on the bed, put the phone receiver in her panties and have sex. I guess. It kinda cuts off at that moment and we cut to silly music as they lay in bed. She robs him as he smokes, he catches her, but has to let her go because this movie is, well, fucking bizarre.

Next, we have a "humorous" story of a female secret agent whose training consists of going to the theater to watch a fake silent film and having sex with the male agent that is training her. And she gets locked in a safe, eventually.

Good christ! Was all of this stuff really shot for one film? (After doing some research, I can officially tell you that, yes, it was. The mummy shit was written to "tie it all together". *ahem* Well, THAT worked out well.)

Dammit. I thought that was gonna be the last one, but now a Mr. Bean look-alike in a bright, neon green sweater orders a girl from an escort service. And he's a total fuck-tard. I guess this one is supposed to be "funny", as well. He wants her to have sex with him as his lizard (not that lizard) is on the bed, or something. Because it's "fashionable". But she'll have none of it.

I can't believe all the shit going on in this movie. And it's all trying to be philosophical and arty and, and other things.

Take this section: Some old lady can call souls from the nether and they magically appear in her hayloft? and have sex or something while she watches and keeps talking about souls and the afterlife and shit. Creepy. I mean the part about her watching. The philosophical bullshit is just annoying. So, this voyeuristic old woman has trapped all of her ex-lovers souls in her plants. She's been telling her new butler all about then, when he suddenly calls her an alien? and strangles her with a plant.

This has got to be the most boring and pointless story. Ok, we'll just stick with boring. They're all fucking pointless. But at least the others were interesting in some odd way. (Oh, and the term "roll in the hay" is stupid. I've encountered this substance called "hay" and I would not like to fuck in it. It's scratchy and musty.)

Oooo! Fireworks! Pretty! And a big orgy scene to go along with them! This has GOT to be the end of this mind-fuck of a movie.(Let's keep our fingers crossed.) Cut back to our "soul" couple in the hayloft and our hippie director shows them falling into the hay twenty-one (21!) times. I counted, you bastards.

YES! YES! It HAS to be the end! Our trio from the beginning sits back down! Still in slow motion!

Woo Hoo! It's all over, ladies and gentlemen. We survived.

Let me just say, this film wasn't shot all that badly and it was very colorful. The acting wasn't even that bad. It had lots of half-naked chicks (and guys, for those who are interested. BTW, the guys all seem to wear large and dumpy diaper-looking underwear. Was that the male undergarment style of the 70's? Just go and buy Depends so you can shit and piss in your man-panties, as well.) and .... that's about it.

There is no story here. I don't care if they claim that the mummy has deep, introspectified (I know. It's not a word. Suck it.) things to say about the male/female dynamic. It's a bunch of stories that show titties! That's all it fucking is and you can't convince me differently. Titties, titties, titties.

And I have no problem with that.

Now, this view of the film is from a sober person. Let me travel back in time and show this to the Nix that used to trip balls every other day and show it to him..............

Nix Today: "Well, what'd you think?"

ElectricAcidKoolAidNix: "Dude, that was fucked up."

Nix Today: "Did you, ya know, "Get it"?

ElectricAcidKoolAidNix: "Dude, that was fucked up."

Nix Today: "Would you watch it again?"

ElectricAcidKoolAidNix: "Fuck yeah! Titties!"

So there ya have it. No matter what your state of mind, this is a movie about titties.