So, I obviously have some sort of previous history and feelings about this flick.

I’d like to apologize, up front, to Dr. Freex of The Bad Movie Report, as he was partly responsible for creating this thing. But I’ve got to respect someone that actually got a feature-length film done and distributed. Good on ya! If you’re interested, you can read the whole sordid story at this link. I highly recommend it.

Anyway… Let’s move on… Hmm… For some reason, my finger does not want to push that fucking Play button.

Be strong, Nix. Just one last time and you’ll be done with this for the rest of your life. I promise, little buddy. Just. One. Last. Time.

Ok, while I try to work up the mental fortitude to spend another 111 minutes in the presence of crapness, let me just tell you that I’m watching the original video release version. Yes. That implies that there is an alternate version of a film that perhaps shouldn’t exist in the first place. I’m not sure how, but this got released in a 2 disc “Special Edition” DVD featuring a never before seen director’s cut. But such unseen delights are not for the Nix. No, I’ve got to go back to my childhood and relive the day I was parted with my hard earned allowance by a somewhat interesting video box. Already, I must say: “Fuck you, movie. Fuck you up your fucking ass.”

I will not be doing a full scene by scene recap, here. I just want to give you a general feeling by describing the opening scenes for you.

B&S Productions. Yeah Bull and Shit, obviously.

So, there’s a lady who is over white-trashing her role of a white-trash lady seeing a psychic. And our psychic talks like those Goth posers you can find on YouTube. He’s getting all freaked about what the cards are saying and makes Tina Trashy-face leave.

Hahaha! I can’t even explain what I just saw. Holy shit. That was a thrilling FX shot.

Seems our talented card reader was right to be afraid, as TTF is attacked and a mysterious cloaked figure effortlessly turns bullets into cartoon explosions. And may or may not have killed the psychic with cartoon lightning. It’s left kinda vague.

And we’re off to the opening credits. At first, I thought it was one of those fake TV shows within the movie, but it’s the actual credits. Imagine those shitty screen savers that look like Castle Wolfenstein or Doom but this time it’s drawn with crayon. And it’s got very urgent news-sounding music playing. It’s as if the movie is trying to convince you that these credits are truly important.

Finally, we escape from the crayon hallways of insanity and meet our hero: a plump little dwarf that actually has his sweater draped over his shoulders. He and his brother (who wears a sweatshirt that simply reads “College”) are gonna sell their old place so they’re throwing a party over the weekend. And all of this outside stuff seems to have been dubbed in a tin shed.

Our two brothers are inventors or something. And want to show off their new invention to their friends. BUT WAIT! Drama is lurking just around the corner as Chubby Pants’ girlfriend is pregnant! Will they decide on an abortion or to start a family? Or will she die a horrible death? I vote for horrible (budget friendly) death.

The movie is really picking up the pace with an action packed poker game and lame banter. Unfortunately, the tension is broken by a “mysterious force” spying on Chub’s girlfriend getting ready for a shower. And we achieve boobies! That’s one thing this movie could use more of: boobies.

Now, earlier, when I said budget friendly, I never expected both positive and negative points to the kill. Positive: The effect actually looks pretty damn good. Negative: It was filmed in an entirely red shower stall. You can almost see the blood splashed on the walls, but they might as well have just left the walls bare red. Pointless.

So, girlfriend dead, another chick missing. Oops. Make that two chicks dead, now. 3 guys and one girl left. C’mon movie. Once these fuckers are dead we can roll the end credits! Right?

The brother is sucked away by what appears to be a clown car with red headlights and the girl is attacked by a very small twig that yanks her outside. Dorky guy runs after her and Chubby Pants keeps the clown car from crashing through a door. Just one more, movie! One more idiot to go and we can all go get ice cream.

Yes! A random zombie appears, CP pokes its eye out, though. What in the hell? Where in the hell? Who in the hell? WTF is up with this random zombie? Fuck it. CP makes it to a road and stupidly stands in the middle of it giving the finger to the woods. Unsurprisingly, he is hit by a car. Dipshit.

The movie motivates itself to somehow fill the remaining hour by introducing us to a convoluted plot about an evil real estate agent. *ahem* And it sets about ripping off H.P. Lovecraft.

Let’s recap: A hooded figure with the power of cartoons, what appears to be a clown car with red headlights and a random zombie all somehow tie into an evil plot by a REAL ESTATE AGENT to bring back the Great Old Ones. Did I just fucking type that?

This movie drags. And it drags some more. The dialogue is shit. Acting is terrible. And they used that tin shed for the majority of the sound work. The FX are depressing and the story is pre-Calculus. Or ridiculous. I’m not sure, anymore.

There is one standout scene, though. Chubby Pants’ girlfriend visits him in a dream, rips open her sewn together stomach and pulls out the baby. Pretty gross stuff.

That’s the best I can do, guys. My brain literally shuts down during this thing.

It's light years better than TLSP, though. You have to give it that.

Memorable line: “This bathing suit here, called ‘The Thread’. It’s like a thread.”

(Chubby Pants is showing off his invention and straps it to his arm.) “It fits on your arm. See?”