Ok, kids. I finally saw it and can give my official thoughts on Rob Zombie's Halloween.

Before we begin, I’d like to rant. I forget how awful the movie-going experience has become, since I mostly just buy what interests me (or I know will be shit and would make a fun review).

We sat through about 30 minutes of commercials, including 3 in a row for that damn new Pepsi drink. Ok. I get the point. It will keep me from yawning. Hooray. Also, about 15 minutes was this stupid-ass group here in St. Louis called Ambassadors of Harmony. They sang two (2) fucking full songs that dragged on and fucking on. Singing harmony and a cappella ain’t easy (yes, I've done it), but I don't think a theater of people waiting for a goddamn horror movie really want to sit through that. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES!

So... the movie. I recently put a review up for Devil's Rejects and I loved that flick. I thought Zombie might be growing as an artist and would actually become a good, if not great, director. Well, he killed all the good will I had for him with this absolute piece of shit. SHIT, I tell you.

I don't know how and my mind can't work out any answers, but he ruined every last thing in this film. Nothing, NOTHING works! It's a huge, disjointed and nonsensical mess. Me, Quill and others in the theater were laughing at things that were not intended to be funny. That's the ultimate sin in a horror flick.

I was willing to give this a shot. I didn’t expect Zombie to ape Carpenter and make a good flick, but I did expect him to do his own thing while still remaining true to the characters and situations Carpenter created.

First and foremost: The first 45 minutes ruined everything we’ve ever loved about Halloween. It’s ok to give us peeks into little Mikey, but when we have to listen to some of the most atrocious and stereotypical redneck dialogue for an excessive amount of time and expect all of this to really make us understand why he became what he is… that’s a lot to expect us to swallow.

Seriously, Sherri Moon Star Creature, or what the fuck ever, ended up being the best actor in the whole intro. And that’s saying so much, when she almost dragged Devil’s Rejects down (I didn’t mention it in that review, because it didn’t ruin the film). Even Donald Pl… err… Malcolm McDowell sucked in this part of the film (not that he stopped sucking after this shit).

I know some people saw the pics of little Mikey and thought he looked so creepy and might help. Sorry. Not a chance. I don’t know if it’s Rob’s directing or the kid just can’t act, but he’s awful. It doesn’t help that he has some badly written scenes to act out. Such as when he’s always wearing these stupid masks because “he’s ugly” or something. What? THAT’S the explanation for why he wears masks, now? Because he feels ugly? I dunno, maybe it’s supposed to delve into his psyche and let us know that when he does the terrible things he does, he’s a different “ugly” person and wants to hide that part of himself from the rest of the world.

Fine. That would be great if the script actually delved into that. Maybe innocent Mikey is still in there, but all we get is the song “Love Hurts” as he’s not able to trick or treat as his mom is stripping at the club. Give me a fucking break. “Love Hurts”!? It was painful to watch that scene.

So, basically, Zombie has shown us that Mikey had a bad childhood. So the fuck what? He was killing little animals before we even see half this shit. And I can name at least 10 people I grew up with that had bad childhoods like this. Did they become random killers? Not as far as I know. If this was Zombie’s big personal addition to the movie it’s his biggest failure. Nobody cares about this ridiculous and hilariously bad “prequel” part of the movie. It’s terrible.

But what about after all of this stupid and pointless backstory that every studio wants to give to our iconic horror characters?

It’s more shit.

Michael never had motivation in the first film, he just seemed to be there and personifying evil. Hell, even when Carpenter was directing the actor playing The Shape, the actor asked him what his motivation was in a scene. Carpenter’s response? “Just walk”.

NOW, he’s coming back for his sister, Laurie Strode.

I can roll with that. Carpenter came up with that idea when he put together part 2 (with the help of a six-pack, btw).

HOWEVER…. (and sorry for all the caps, but this movie offends me) Mike tends to show up where Laurie has been right after she leaves. So he just kills everyone there, instead of trying to keep up with her. When he finally gets to the house she’s at, a friend of hers leaves the house and hops in the car with her boyfriend. Does Michael go on into the house where Laurie is still located? Hell fuck no! He’s gonna follow those kids that don’t even matter! What in the goddamn hell is that about?

Oh, wait! I know. Michael seems to have some kind of Strode-ar © and is able to know what his baby sister looks like all grown up and knows where she is going and… I’m being serious. He has Strode-ar ©. Let me explain how this works to his favor: He kills the boyfriend of Laurie’s friend and attacks the friend. Somehow, he knew Laurie would have to return the small child she was watching as a favor to her friend to that house. So… he laid a trap for her. Left her friend bleeding and hurt inside the front door, knowing Laurie would show up, find her and then stay there to make phone calls. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Not only that, but when he returns to his abandoned house, he goes up to the attic and starts pulling up the floorboards. I groaned as I knew what was coming. He’d actually hidden the mask and the knife he used as a child under them. How? He kills his family, goes to get his baby sister and then had time to pry up the boards and carefully nail them back in place so no one would notice and then be back on the front porch when his mom pulls up?

And while he’s getting his precious shit as an adult, Laurie has to deliver a letter (to AN ABANDONED HOUSE!), he hears her voice and immediately knows it’s her! AAAGGGGGHHHHHH! Zombie, you’re an idiot, shitty writer.

And, btw, here’s another reason why the second part of the film doesn’t work. Zombie took a 92 minute film and crammed it into about an hour or less. Therefore, you don’t get to know any of the characters. Not even Laurie, who you’re supposed to be rooting for. She’s just a bland chick that didn’t show her tits.

And there are a lot of tits in this movie. Is it misogynistic? I dunno. Most of the early slashers focused on girls and nudity and pre-marital sex. I only asked because someone brought that up to me. It’s something to think about, I guess. And it’s the only thing to think about. No one’s going to be thinking about the hows and whys of little Mikey. None of that fucking matters.

“But, Nix! Titties and blood, right? You like that stuff, don’t you? Doesn’t this movie therefore deliver?”

Well, yeah. It gives you all of those wonderful horror-y things. But it all happens in the stupidest script this side of Alone In the Dark. It’s worse than Transformers! And I hated that movie!

IF this movie was not called Halloween. And IF the first 45 minutes of hillbilly bullshit were cut and we could just focus on a masked killer stalking some hot bitches THAT would be an okay flick.

I’ve been beating this movie to death, so let me tell you the good things: The kills are pretty brutal. That’s it. That’s all you’re going to get from me.

The acting, directing, writing, camera work, music….Everything sucks. It’s as if Zombie went “Hmm, I need to make this my own. I KNOW! I’ll do everything opposite of how Carpenter did it! Because he doesn’t know shit!” And by doing that, Zombie killed every moment of suspense or “horror” or “terror” that should be so easy to put into this story.

What a missed opportunity to actually make a good remake, finally. Rob, come up with your own ideas, sketch them out and let someone else write it. You can direct it, buddy, but stay the fuck away from writing. You don’t know what you’re doing, you fucker.