Let's use our imaginations: It's 2 in the morning, you're trapped in Texas and you need to get a horror fix right away. You've got plenty of quality films packed with you but you're really wanting something new that you aren't intimately familiar with. Is there anywhere you can go to procure such a thing at this hour? Why, yes! There just happens to be a Hell-Mart right across the street! How convenient!

Unfortunately, I didn't have to use my imagination that night. The night I ended up owning the re-make of ...... HOUSE OF WAX!!!!! (Yes, the capitalization and excessive exclamation marks are totally unnecessary. I apologize.)

I knew it was gonna suck. I just fucking new it, but it was either that or Cursed and I figured Wax would at least have some blood, so I bit the (silver) bullet and actually purchased something with Paris Hilton in it. (And then fire rained from the skies and the world exploded. I wish.)

Fully prepared to hate the film (and myself), I decided to try something a little different. I was gonna do a scene by scene chronicle of my reaction to this...thing.

Here's the plot: A bunch of idiots on the way to a football game (that makes me hate them, automatically) get stuck in an abandoned town in the middle of nowhere and are killed by some maniacs that cover live people in wax.

It helps if you've seen the film, but here we go, anyway:

House of Wax (the new one)

Nice opening. Somewhat creepy.

I hate every last one of these characters. Please kill them in the most violent ways.

I remember a movie that handled this scenario better. Wrong Turn.

Oh, look! They keep filming Paris Hilton with a video camera! They're so witty!

Be sure to blast that new rock n roll stuff that all the kids love nowadays!

Oooo...beer and smoking. They're so baaaadddd!

Did this movie come out around Super Bowl or something?

"You dimed me out." That's a new one. What the hell does that mean? I mean, I kinda get what it means, but "dimed"?

Oh, I see foreshadowing. Good twin/bad twin. Crafty!

Why is he wearing his work clothes?

Just be sure to keep tossing that football around. That's thrilling.

Can something interesting happen soon? Please?

Oooo! He just said "That's hot!" Hilton humor!

Well, safety in numbers, and all that. I can't wait until they split up and fucking die.

What the fucking hell? Are they just dying to go Blair Witch, or what?

Wade said something funny! hehehehe!!! I actually liked that, Wade. "It's probably a serial killer, or something."

Would you stop with the video camera vision? Fuck!

Gonna miss the football game. What a tragedy.

Something smells bad? My guess is it's Paris' vagina.

Well, that was disgusting. It better tie into the plot, somehow, though.

Yeah, you don't wanna miss the fucking game.

I trust the guy standing in the middle of tons of rotting animals. The rest of you go get to the all important game.

Why would you sit your girlfriend next to the creepy guy, Wade?

More foreshadowing! Yay!

Yeah, I still trust the creepy guy.

Christ! It's a fucking football game. Chill out!

If the door is unlocked at a gas-station, do you really poke your head in and ask "Hello?"? No, you walk in and shop, then wait impatiently at the counter for help.

Ok. That's creepy. Bo is one of the fuck-asses.

Oh, Wade. You jealous fuck.

Yeah. Opera playing as he does his craft. Never seen that before.

Now, wait. The entire building is made of wax? And where does this take place? I've seen quite a bit of sun. Wouldn't it melt? Let's just roll with it.

No, no. Let Wade go "check it out". Hopefully, he won't be coming back.

WTF, Wade? Why would you look for a peeper in the cellar? He was just at the fucking window! Check around the side of the goddamn house!

Ha ha, Wade.Real funny, asshole.

Oh, the exciting urinating scene.

I'm missing the 80's. Flat out blood. Just kill the fuckers.

Jump cut. I wonder if her hands will be bound, eventually.

Please kill Wade.

Take your time, Wade. Take your time.

Please, please, please kill him! I'm begging you!

Crap. Not yet. I hate you, movie.

The sun is down. It's dark. Let's kill some fuckers!

She has the keys! I'm sure this must be important!

Wade. You're asking for it. You were just supposed to piss, you dumb-fuck.

Ouch.

Die, Wade! Die! Please!

Yes!!!

Or just get knocked out, or something. Fuck.

Good girl! Oh, shit.

She's being smart, for now. But I'm sure they'll write her some retarded things later.

Here comes the good "bad" twin. I'm sure he'll be our hero, seeing as Wade was a total moron.

Ok, that was kinda cool. He got a good "wax off".

Oh, shit!

Ok, now it's...ah, shit. They cranked up some crappy musik! I was actually starting to get into it and they did that.

Finally! The movie is kicking in to gear.

Oh, fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before, the whole brother/sister seemed hollow. It just hit as somewhat meaningful.

Oh, the comedic relief. I can't wait.

Good effect.

I guess the MPAA has mellowed since the late 80's.

All the creepiness is killed by the return to Paris and rap music.

Can we now please kill a Hilton? I'd really like that.

So what happened to homeboy?

Oh. THAT happened.

How you gonna start the car, anyway? What!!?? You're just gonna hide, there?? Whatever.

You left the weapon??!!! Stupid!! Who wrote this shit??

Nice kill, though. Take the pipe, bitch!

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane is scary enough on it's own. Let's see how they enhance the piece of crap they're using it with.

Shotguns always sound good when you re-load them.

I think Bette Davis is the scariest thing in this movie.

Okay, now bash his head in, stupid!

No, he's not fucking dead. Bash his goddamn head in!

Be sure to walk under the light as you sneak up to the truck.

Convenient placement of a baseball bat.

Imagine that. In a town full of corpses covered in wax, the phones don't work even on the second try. Wow.

Backstory! Yay! Now we know what's "really" happening! Thanks, movie. I bet that hurts.

Back to the room that Wade was visiting. Jiggle the small animal in liquid! It's fun!.......... Dammit. I wanted to see it jiggle, again.

He can find her hiding in the priest but not under a table. WTF?

That scene of the candle lighting was "supposed" to be meaningful, I guess? I already knew his face was made of wax.

"We gotta go. Now" So let's go further downstairs.

Why would you switch fuse breakers off and not the one's already off to "on" if you were trying to turn "on" the lights??

Raimi-cam!!!

Somehow I know we'll see his real face, soon.

I knew Bo was the fucked up one. So predictable.

Here it comes.

So this is a wax Leatherface, then?

Should I call him Waxiface?

Oooo....symbolism!

There it is, folks! He's hideous! Who would've guessed?

Run! Run for your lives!

I'm having House on Haunted Hill flashbacks. I should have just watched that, again.

Ooookay. I'm so suprised. Thanks, movie. Thanks for not treating me like an idiot.

Fuck this movie. Some interesting ideas and good gore, but just totally shit delivery. Fuck this movie up the ass.