The Last Slumber Party is brought to us by a Mr. Stephen Tyler, whose only other credit is directing and writing (as he does here) something called “Zipper and Tits”. I don’t even want to know.

I’d like to begin my evisceration of this…thing, by commenting on the cover. Ok, we’ve got a blond and two brunettes wearing skimpy lingerie while the blonde has her neck slit. Sure, I can get into that. Hot chicks running around half-naked while being killed is a great idea for a movie. Let’s watch that!!!

Sorry, we won’t be watching that movie. That movie that just flashed through your head is not contained on this disc. No. What we have here is something spawned from the pits of hell. That’s right. It’s the Devil’s movie. (Hi, Nut-Job!)

The movie wastes no time in sucking. We get our shitty 80’s metal song (Which, admittedly, is better than the music in Evil Laugh. I’ll give this flick that, at least. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the last thing.), over-exposed film and slow-motion all at once. Some patient at a hospital is stealing surgical scrubs and a scalpel. He menaces a hand that pokes through the door and turns out the light. Damn, I’m already scared. Random hands that are stared at always give me the chills.

Ok, now some random girl is menaced by our loony. And, holy shit. If just staring into the camera and holding a scalpel at someone is the best this movie can do, we’re in for real trouble. (See below for pics. They’re priceless.)

One thing I learned: The best way to hit on a girl is to throw a wad of paper at her head. She’ll grin and think it’s cute.

I’d tell you about the plot, but there isn’t one, yet. Some kids are in school. Yeah. It’s THAT thrilling.

I guess this next 3 minutes of bland chatter is supposed to be character development, but I only realize one thing. Kill these bitches. They’re annoying. I guess they’re planning the titular slumber party, or something.

Ok, you’ve got to be kidding. 2 chicks are talking to each other on the phone, but when you hear the other side of the conversation it’s quite fucking obvious that she’s actually standing in the same room. Agh!

Movie, stop beating me about the head with your retardedness. I, seriously, have no idea how to explain what’s happening. There is no fucking plot, here. I don’t even think there’s a script, for fucks’ sake.

Remember that tantalizing cover? Well, our movie has just shit all over our expectations. There is no skimpy lingerie, here. We get t-shirts and shit.

Yeah, you don’t wanna forget to throw in an extensive shower scene that shows nothing, as well. That helps.

Brain…oozing…out of….head. Time…dragging. Somebody kill me. This is the stupidest dream sequence I’ve ever witnessed. Good god, I’ve got better things to do. There’s that garbage disposal that really needs my hand placed in it. And I’ve got the whole hydrochloric acid to gargle with.

And she walks into another movie. And another. And the acting gets progressively worse and she’s in a totally different movie, again. And I pull out my knife and seriously consider ending it all.

Holy shit, they just played a clip from Forever Evil. When you’re resorting to showing a clip from Forever Evil, your movie is in serious trouble. I can’t believe I just witnessed that.

Soooooo…..You just found your friends dead and you hear something in the closet. Do you run? No no no. You simply ask who it is and say “Please” a lot. Makes total sense.

Mold grows on my beer can, glaciers are formed and melt, new gods are created and massive wars are waged as this movie crawls and crawls along OH FUCK ME, JESUS I’M DYING!!!!!!

Just what the hell is going on, here? Please, please make it end.

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’re fucking kidding me. What the shit is this? It’s all a goddamn dream? I hate you, movie!! I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

WTF? How can this movie be starting all over again??? I’m in hell. I’m burning in fucking hell!!!

I’m sorry if that was one of the most confusing things I’ve ever written. That is the power of this film. It will actually drive you bat-shit insane.

Terrible acting, no script or plot to speak of. Ridiculous twists, awful camera work. How am I still alive?