I bought III because it was there. Happy?

I had a hard time writing this, so I’m not even bothering to re-edit. My mind can’t decide what it wants to do with this movie.

III picks up where II left off (sorta) and Reggie the ice-cream guy has to go and find Mike (played by the original’s A. Michael Baldwin instead of II’s James Le Gros). He meets up with a slutty whore and her two guy-friends that are….stealing shit from the dead towns left in the Tall Man’s wake? If the towns are dead, anyway, then why do they feel the need to kill Reg? They end up at a big house where an annoying-ass little kid has “Home Alone’d” the place all Saw style. Reg is locked in the trunk of his own bad-ass HemiCuda while the thievery fools are offed by the stupid kid. Finally, we get a classic Reggie moment when the brat hears Reg banging from the inside of the trunk. Reggie: “Let me out of here!” Kid: “How do I know you’re not one of them?” Reg: “Because I’m in HERE, god-dammit!”

So, Reg and the kid head off and hook up with Rocky, a black chick that uses nunchuks retardedly. They all band together to find Mike and when they do all four attempt to stop the Tall Man by taking naps and eating beans. Seriously. That’s what they do when they all get together: Reg and Mike lay down in different parts of the creepy mortuary while Rocky and shit-head kid eat beans. Whatever.

So, the Tall Man gets to Mike, they think they take care of TM but Reg ends up pinned to a wall by a bunch of spheres, while the kid is captured. The End.

I really want to say that I love this movie. But I don’t. There are some good things going on, so I’ll hit those, first.

1) The balls are back. And no matter what else can suck in a Phantasm flick, the balls will always kick ass. Just the sound of them screaming through the air makes my heart pound. And since the blood spray in II was heavily cut, Coscarelli goes all out with a gratuitous head-draining.

2) The whole original cast is back. It’s like a family reunion! Reg, Mike, the Tall Man and even Jody are all played by the original actors.

3) Reggie. He’s no Ash, but he’s pretty amusing. (And Reggie Bannister is a damn nice guy. We talked underlying meanings about the Phantasm flicks when I lived in L.A. for a good 20 minutes. I’m sure he’s had the same conversation hundreds of times, but he genuinely seemed to enjoy talking with me and never seemed like he had better things to do. Fucking love Reg.)

4) Angus Scrimm. Hollywood will never be able to ruin the original Phantasm with a re-make because there is no one else on the goddamn planet that can play the Tall Man. Fuck yeah!

5) The music. It’s very full and lush and gets feeling across without being overbearing.

And that’s about all there is for the good. On with the bad.

1) The budget. After II tanked at the box office, Coscarelli had to go back to independently funding his nightmarish vision. And it shows. Boy, does it ever show. Still, you have to admire the guy for taking his crazy ideas and making them happen. Most of the budget seems to have been spent on the gore, which I don’t mind, but when you have a scene that’s supposed to be the afterlife and heading towards the light, a hallway with sheets draped over the walls doesn’t quite convey the awe deserving of such a visual.

2) Rocky. I understand Reg needs a chick to hit on, that’s his schtick, but she’s kinda ugly and annoying. And those damn nunchuks are fucking stupid.

3) The kid. A Phantasm flick doesn’t need a kid in it. For fuck’s sake!

4) The 3 crooks that become zombies. I don’t have a problem with them being undead, there have been zombies in the Phantasm movies, before, but they’re too cutsie ha ha. Fuck that. And why do they drive a PINK hearse?

Ok, so I like and hate the movie at the same time. Wanna talk about something fun?

Don Coscarelli’s Phantasm vs. Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead.

There’s a subtle, yet obvious rivalry that was going on between the two directors and their respective series. Allow me to rant:

Phantasm came out first.

Evil Dead II came out next and PII had a scene of bones left from a cremation being bashed into powder and poured into a bag that is labeled Sam Raimi. Also, it appears that the construction of the 4-barreled shotgun and flame-thrower is intended to rival the chainsaw construction from EDII.

Army of Darkness upped the ante with the construction of the mechanical hand and then tried to outdo the HemiCuda by souping up the Olds as the Death-mobile.

Phantasm III seemed to take on the possessed hand from EDII by having both of the Tall Man’s hands severed and turned into crawling demon creatures that attack Reg and crawl up his pants.

Ok, it’s been a long time since I tried to tie all of those together, but watch both series with the rivalry in mind and you should be able to see it.

So, PI = Trippy head-fuck. PII = Action packed head-fuck. PIII = Low budget comedy/gore film. As for PIV? I hope I never have to go back there.