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"Lord, Help Me." posted 06/15/06: So, I just bought the latest issues of "Rue Morgue" and "Fangoria". And there’s a one page advertisement for Bloodrayne in "RM". If you don’t know what Bloodrayne is, it’s the new Boll movement. Hit www.bollbashers.com and educate yourself. Now, here’s the thing. Every movie Uwe Boll makes is absolute shit. I’m still preparing to review Alone In The Dark, but it’s hard to get up the nerve to approach it, again. I could spend pages listing why DOCTOR Boll is a terrible filmmaker and somewhat an ass, but I really want to point out why this advertisement is so effing ridiculous. First, at the very top, in huge letters, it proclaims: BEST ACTION FILM OF THE YEAR There are no quotes. No asterisk to denote that somebody actually said that. Because nobody fucking said it! It’s the marketing and sales guys just coming up with whatever sounds good. I dare you to find a legitimate quote from a critic that says anything close to that. Next: From the director of Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead comes… I’ll pause here. Who in their right mind would actually proclaim that the guy that made those two pieces of crap made this flick? Were the guys hired to sell this sitting there and thinking “Well, he’s paying us, so we might as well pump his already erroneously inflated ego”? It continues: …the major Motion Picture event of the year. Now, why in the hell is “motion picture” capitalized? And why didn’t they include “major” in their random capitalizing session? And if it was such a major Motion Picture event, why did it play in almost no theaters? On to the picture of the DVD, itself. At the bottom of the box, it says: THE BEST ACTION FILM SINCE ELEKTRA! Wha? Are you fucking serious? Again, it’s not a quote from anyone, it’s just the ad guys grasping at any straw possible to get someone to at least pick up the disc and look at it. But… Elektra? That’s the best they could come up with? Not X-Men 2 or Underworld 2 or, hell, even DodgeBall? I think I remember Dr. Uwe Boll even talking shit about Elektra. Of course, he talks shit about any movie that isn’t his, so… Ok, so we’ll just assume that because Bloodrayne has a female protagonist that that would be the reason they chose *gag* Elektra to compare it to. But how about the final “blurb” at the bottom of the ad: Critics are raving about Bloodrayne! Again, not a quote from any human being except the guys paid to sell this fucker. Yeah! Critics are raving about Bloodrayne! It’s got a 9% rating at www.RottenTomatoes.com. That’s out of 42 supplied reviews. They are raving, for sure. Go read some and you’re sure to get a giggle out of them. But the guy keeps getting money to make movies. Which is more than I can say for myself or other aspiring filmmakers. And he’s kinda amusing. He’s just a pompous fucking ass that doesn’t acknowledge that his movies fucking suck. And this ad campaign is goddamn ridiculous. At least, 5 more pages in, there was an ad for the Special Edition of Rock ‘n Roll Nightmare. That ad is funny, as well. But we’ll talk about that later. Nix says: “I’ll get you next time!”
"Argh! My Effing Head!" I've hit my latest batch of insomnia. Woo! It's fun! As I lay in bed for hours on end, I get the strangest scenes flashing through my brain. 1) A monkey wearing old-school Elton John sunglasses rides a tiny motorbike while he smokes a cigarette. And he's wearing the diaper, too. No random thought concerning a monkey partaking of a cancerous product while wearing the most gaudy sunglasses created and riding a motorbike would be complete without the stupid diaper. 2) Some dude is playing a huge grand piano in the middle of a busy city street as a stripper gyrates on top of the piano and all the backed up cars are honking and shit. (But nobody gives her a dollar? WTF?) 3) Two guys are playing cards. I dunno if it's poker or what, I don't play cards. But I DO know that all the cards shouldn't be blank, as these were. And, somehow, one guy keeps winning. Finally, the other guy accuses the other guy of cheating and stabs a handy ice-pick in the "cheating" guys temple. (That one is actually kinda cool, in a retarded kinda way.) And so on and so on. Just the most random shit popping into my head as I consider downing a whole bottle of Ny-Quil (c). Then I began to consider that maybe I should just kill myself. So I started weighing different calibers and models of firearms. .22s are too tiny and would likely just rattle around in my skull and sound like a goddamn marraca if I shook my head "no" at anyone. Then I thought that Jordy Verrill had it right in Creepshow. I should definitely use a shotgun. I mean, he was a half-retarded guy and admitted to being a "lunk head" (repeatedly, btw) who had just become 98% plant and yet he STILL managed to pull it off. Yes! Aw, but the mess. Somebody has to clean that up. And no open casket for everyone to gaze upon my sexy, dead body. Maybe guns weren't the way to go. Had so many horror movies taught me nothing? I thought back. Sleeping pills were used to enter dreams. That doesn't help, unless a deranged child killer that now has a bizarre notion of killing people that are NOT children is floating around the nether. Slashed throat or wrists. Nah. Somebody could find me and fucking save me from the retarded images in my head. Oooooo....ah, nope. Seems the only thing I could hope for was a strange delivery of a puzzle box I wouldn't be able to fucking solve. Or I took a drive out to some abandoned summer camp where some mongoloid little boy had turned into a zombie and just hated everyone. Sadly, I knew of no such place. Or, I ran over somebody's kid with a motorcycle in Hoosierville USA and they sic a demon of vengeance on me. I looked on the map. It doesn't exist and I don't even have a goddamn motorcyle! Agh! Perhaps I could go buy a Teddy Ruxpin and offer a murderer the chance to inhabit it's body. Then I thought about how many fucking batteries those things needed and decided against it. Plus, I'd probably have to record a stupid tape for the thing to let it know what to do. *sigh* And ya know what? Visiting just a few of those friends throughout the years had actually stopped the random bullshit. I was no longer confused by just what the hell was going on in my head and was left with fond remembrances that rolled through it, instead. And that was calming. So, eventually (meaning 4 hours after I'd started this fucked up journey) I finally fell asleep. And woke up 15 minutes later with the image of a naked female clown coating herself with Crisco. Now, that, I could live with. Nix says: My dreams are a whole other story.
"Oh Stephen Tyler, Where Art Thou?" Stephen Tyler, Where Are You? After viewing The Last Slumber Party more than once, I started wondering just where the hell Stephen Tyler was at, now. I did multiple searches and couldn't really track him down. Although, I found many great links for Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Fat fucking lot of good that will do me. Would those bastards stop sucking and just die? I eventually tracked down the guy who produced Last Slumber Party and, surprise surprise, Forever Evil. See, I really wanna interview Stephen Tyler. See if he has a copy of the "script". Find out how much they had to cut to get the movie done. Or if they even had one. I REALLY wanna find this guy and pick his brain to find out how this movie ended up the way it did. I know, my review seems mean and negative, but that's what this movie does to 98 percent of its audience. It's got cult-classic status all over the net. I laughed my ass off and had a great time getting all pissed at how horrible it was. I've got a fever. And it can only be cured by talking to Stephen Tyler. (And more cow-bell.) If any of you out there have any information as to a way to contact him, please email me at the address on my profile. Hell, email if you have any ideas, other than contacting the producer, who said it was "The worst movie ever made." I've got to talk to this fucking guy! Nix says: Brilliance in ignorance is a beautiful ugliness to be cherished.
"A Message To All The Ladies" For All My Female Readers First, thanks for taking the time to read my profanity laced rantings. I truly appreciate it. Next, females seem to be the only ones that take the time to actually give feedback and express themselves. Are we all so attractive and wantable that only women come to this site? Hell, I'm not complaining. Send me more emails that praise me. Or is it the cursing? I can do that all fucking day. Fuck shit piss!!! Sorry. I just get giddy when somebody likes my pointless comments. So, again, thank you. And let's do lunch, sometime. Nix says: I'm very single. Can you tell?
"An Open Letter To Peter Jackson" Dear Mr. Jackson, Wow! Things have really gone well for you, over the years. What with all that Oscar stuff and all. I remember the first time I saw one of your films. I was, like 12 years old and Bad Taste had just come out on video. My grandparents always took me to rent horror movies, when I stayed with them, ‘cuz they knew I was obsessed with them. (These were the days when you could still find a mom and pop video store that carried crazy shit like that. Or, just a mom and pop video store, period.) I must have watched that movie 4 times before I had to return it. It was truly amazing. From there, I followed your work closely. Following your every step. And every time something new came out I was blown away. When I worked at a video store, I pushed Heavenly Creatures like you wouldn’t believe. Your move to making Hollywood-type pictures didn’t bother me, either. Because you were still working in your homeland of New Zealand. Not a lot of people can do THAT with Hollywood. Man, I watched each Oscar show that had Lord of the Rings as a nominee and wished and hoped for you, every time. And you finally got your due on the last one. Congratulations! When I heard you were finally able to make your abandoned re-make of King Kong, I was thrilled. I remember when you tried to get that going and Mighty Joe Young came out and killed that project. Damn, it was a dream come true for me and I’m sure for you, as well. And it was fantastic. I was nearly in tears at points in that film. You did a magnificent job, Mr. Jackson. Or can I call you Pete? Anyway, there’s something I really wanna know. I’m not sure how to phrase this, but I’ll give it a shot. CAN YOU MAKE A FUCKING MOVIE THAT ISN’T 3 FUCKING HOURS LONG, ANYMORE, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!????? I mean, what the fucking hell was that whole Jimmy sub-plot about? Who gives a shit about little Jimmy? Did you just throw that in there so he could cry when his surrogate father died? WTF, Pete? And did you really need to spend an hour getting to the island? Jesus! Let’s GO! Let’s get the story moving. Have you forgotten your roots? What, is there like 16 hours of production extras on the Kong DVD I purchased? You used computers. I fucking know that. Thanks, let’s move on. I think it’s time you did what you said you were going to do after LOTR: Make a low-budget horror film, again. Was Kong’s gross a bit of a kick in the balls? Did it hurt a bit? I think it’s because the 3 HOUR LENGTH HURT AUDIENCES, YOU BASTARD! So, Peter, Pete, Petey, Petrol, Persimmon, Parachute,,,,,,,,,,,Sorry, zoned out, there. Let’s get back to the realization that you’re not just making these things for yourself, but for an audience, as well. Come back to us, Petey. Come back. And all shall be cotton candy and peppermint sticks.
Still a big fan,
"Writer's Block" I've worked on it for a year, I know it inside and out, but I can't transform it into something that works. How do I make a story about a killer meatloaf work? Yes. A killer meatloaf. A meatloaf with the powers to rip off every classic horror/sci-fi film in existence. We're talking Alien, Evil Dead, Invaders From Mars, Psycho and Night of the Living Dead. Fuck! Invaders from Mars? This loaf has real power. Must....Use....Imagination.....Must...be...creative. Must channel Shatner.
"I Miss the 'Good' Sam" Sure, the series never had a "huge" impact at the box-office, but they didn't need to. They were all moderately budgeted and more than made up for the theatrical with video and DVD sales. Shit, how many versions of each fucking movie are there? An "official bootleg edition" of Army of Darkness? WTF? Can you see what I'm getting at? If they can re-release each film every year on a new and "improved" disc, why not just take a few million from the pointless The Grudge profits and continue the series? With the whole time-travel shit, they could re-do this fucker over and over with that pudgy fuck starring in each one. (I can't believe I just called Bruce a "pudgy fuck", but his attitude pisses me off, lately.) So here's my pitch to save ED from Mr. Raimi and his Hollywood infected soul: Go back to the beginning. And I mean WAYYYY back. Let's start before Army. Before ED1. Let's assume that the Old Ones (cuz we're really just ripping off Lovecraft, anyway, right?) know that Ash is the only one who can stop them from returning. We could have them trying to influence his life as a child. Causing the death of his family, forcing him away from the cabin, only to have him come back. I dunno. Why not see the little kid versions of Ash, Jake, Bobby-Jo? Bring everything together in some sick sort of karma that only makes sense in old-school Raimi-ville. Or, we could have Ash go back to the fucking cabin to burn the book and tape and have a group of WB-friendly teens show up, as well and fuck it all up. Or, we could have Ash locked up in an insane asylum OF THE FUTURE and Jason X would start fucking shit up... Ok. My ideas may not be the greatest, but can't Sam, Rob and Bruce come up with something besides a remake that isn't even a remake? My guess is that Bruce just wants nothing more to do with the character that made him famous. So, in conclusion: Fuck Bruce Campbell. Nix says: And fuck Sam Raimi, too. How do you piss off Danny Elfman? He's got "elf" in his name, for godsake!
"Welcome to the Den" So, I was looking at the layout of my actual "physical" den and thinking about what would happen if I actually brought some female back, who wanted to play. I imagine it would go something like this: Nix: "Well, here we are. *opens door* Oh, let me move this wheelchair into the kitchen. *throws a disembodied rubber hand into the kitchen, as well* Oops, all these blankets are overkill, too. Here, let me get all of these horror DVD's out of the way and also kick the large bag of erotic vhs tapes I inherited from working at a video store, under the futon. Watch out for that hatchet! It's sharp. The gun is fake, but the surgical shears are real, as well as that circular-saw blade. Those machetes are real, too, but dull, so they're not too much of a danger. And all the video cameras laying around aren't turned on." Hypothetical Female: *runs for her life* Nix: "Damn." *sits down to watch Evil Dead II, again* Perhaps I should move all of that shit into "The Room We Do Not Speak Of". But sometimes a guy just likes to mindlessly flip a sharp object around as he watches people being decapitated and eviscerated. And it's kinda fun to roll around in a handi-cripple-mobile! Admit it. If you had a wheelchair, you'd be scooting around from the couch to the fridge for a beer and back! Searing question: What the fuck is Nix doing with all of this random shit in his living space? Retarded answer: Well, they're all props for movies that haven't happened, yet. (Well, the cameras aren't props, but are hanging around for the same reason.) Obvious next question: If you have all the props, why haven't the films been shot, yet, you moron? Even more obvious answer: Money, you bastards! I threw down for some props and cameras, but that doesn't get very far, even if you're only planning on shooting a $500 flick for shits and grins. Any philanthropists out there that would like to support a growing boy and his addiction to filmmaking? Help a guy get the movies done so he can get the potentially frightening props and detritus out of his "Den of Love", dammit! Oh, you wanna know what the hell an insane guy raised by wolves would like to commit to film? Maybe next time. Nix says: Perhaps, if I put flowers all over the place, she wouldn't notice?
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