It's Halloween time again, kiddies. It's the best time to find horror films. At least what I thought would be a horror film. So, I hope on my DirectTV search engine and look for something scary to watch. Berserk comes up, and the description seemed interesting enough: a mass murderer killing off freaks in a circus. It bragged of being a horror movie. So, I set my good friend Mr. Tivo to record it, and headed to bed. I woke up to an easy who-dun-it. Disappointing really.
To give a brief synopsis: after the hanging death of a tight-rope artist (done in front of the circus audience) and the death of the circus Manager (had a spike driven through his head), Scotland Yard takes notice and starts investigating the murders... Yeah, that's just about it.
I've never seen a more pointless movie. It's obvious that the drug revolution was in full swing in the ‘60s, ‘cause you would have to be high to find anything about this movie entertaining, or on a bad acid trip to find it scary. I've seen more horror from Scooby-Doo than I did in this movie. It's mostly circus acts that have no bearing on the plot, or anything really scary happening. In one of the scenes there are poodles doing tricks. I started hoping that one of the poodles would bite the dust. Anything to break up the monotony of this film. Instead I found myself distracted by my friend Mr. Internet, while I waited for the poodles to do their thing.
The whole premise of this film is bad. Really really bad. The casting sucked. The ringleader/owner is played by Joan Crawford… who looks more mannish than feminine... but she's the leading lady and the heart-throb’s love interest. Ick. I would have hoped they could have found a woman that looks... well more like a woman, and less like a she-male. Not to mention, before bo-tox was a big thing, Joan has the permanent surprised look on her face. Seriously, if you dye your hair blonde, make sure you dye your eyebrows to match. It looks weird any other way. The filming was ok, except there were at least 5 un-necessary scenes. One of the scenes... they had the freaks singing, ‘cept it was obviously dubbed over. Guys, if you’re going to dub something, please do the world a favor and make the lips match the words. It's that easy!
I'm actually going to do a body count for this, and tell you who-dun-it. So... if you actually want to see this p.o.s., do yourself a favor and stop reading now.
Are the losers who actually want to see this film gone? Good! Here's the body count.
Gaspar - Death by hanging in the middle of his high wire act. The rope snapped and looped around his neck.
Dorando - While smoking outside he has a spike driven through his head from behind.
Matilda - She was sawed in half in the middle of Lazlo and her performance. Lazlo was doing the sawing, but wasn't aware the trick had gone awry.
Frank Hawkins - In the middle of his high wire act, while balancing on a chair, a knife was thrown into his back and he fell to his impalement death.
Angela Rivers - Is electrocuted in the rain when lightning hits a power converter...
The murderer is.... Angela Rivers, the ringmaster's daughter. Who coincidentally didn't show up in the movie until an hour after it started, and after Gaspar and Dorando's death. She was in a boarding school till then, which doesn't jive with her being the murderer. But, in a fit of tears and after killing Frank Hawkins, she confesses to all of the murders, then runs out into her demise.
In summary, this movie is painful to watch and far far far from a horror. By the end of the movie, you will be wishing the little men at the bottom of the screen were there to help you through it.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
-Great movie to heckle. Could be fun in a group. Still, doesn't make it in the least scary.
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