Vampires: elegant, romantic, stalking killers that come after those of the opposite sex to drain their blood and make a pack of the living undead. Exactly what I’m in the mood for, as I pop in Slayer: one of the many birthday movies I received just recently (few months ago, recently). I was hoping for a vampire hunter extraordinaire, something along the lines of Blade or Buffy… Instead, I got mindless drivel, lacking plot and point.
I probably should tell you that I’ve always been in love with the context of the vampire (if you don’t believe me, ask my husband). So, I tend to gravitate towards them, like a moth to flame… under their spell, just as they would wish. Oh, how I wish this movie would have captured me the way I had hoped. The way that a movie should, spellbinding me to the screen, so I could say something nice about this film and write a review on a movie I actually liked. Too bad wishes don’t come true.
To summarize this movie isn’t an easy task. There is little that actually made sense. Still, I feel I should give it an attempt, if nothing else than for my loyal readers. A military squad (whose military I can’t say, either American or Canadian) are sent down to the jungles to combat a band of vampires in order to save the Colonel’s god daughter and Hawk’s (the commander of the squad) ex-wife. That’s pretty much the movie... nothing deep, nothing interesting, nothing good.
This movie lacked substance… nothing to really sink your teeth into, and drink out of. It wasn’t bad writing in the sense of dialog, but the concept was hard to believe and the fact that I spent the entire movie asking what exactly the plot was made this movie into an unbearable 87 minutes. What really got me going, holy hell, was the fact that the vampires were drinking human blood due to the fact that humanity had destroyed the jungles and their natural food source. Great idea… turning a vampire flick into an environmental film for Green Peace... brilliant… Meantime, the amount of blood that seemed all over the character’s faces, mouths, ground, and shooting out of people like a fountain of youth, was enough to make you wonder; how much blood would a bleeder bleed, if a bleeder could bleed blood? (Try saying that 5 times fast)
The film usage was far superior to SICK and Project Vampire, so they had some quality shit... not to mention that this made-for-TV movie had some pretty interesting and convince acting. Still, can’t make nothing into something. If I could, I’d be living in the Bahamas’ now, rich off of the hay I turned to gold.
In short, I’ve seen a hell of a lot worse… but way better. It was an “eh” film.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Could be good for a laugh.. or background noise… your pick.
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