The world has apparently devolved in the years since the last movie, as most of the population are now savage cave men. A blessed few are bestowed with the gift of higher intelligence, and chief among these is Akronas the Great One. He has stumbled across a great and terrible discovery, a Promethean object called the Geometric Nucleus. It holds the secrets of science and the universe, and the potential to destroy the human race. Akronas sends his daughter, Liz Hurley-lookalike Mila, to the eastern lands to find Ator, who has taken up residence there with a kung-fu master named Thong.

Ator moved to the east after Sunya died. Kiok is not mentioned. It is implied that this takes place a good many years after the events of Ator the Fighting Eagle, so my guess is that Kiok grew into a full-grown bear, which young newlyweds Ator and Sunya didn’t bother to properly housetrain because they were busy frolicking and such. One day, Sunya whapped Kiok on the nose with a rolled-up parchment for piddling in the dining room, and he turned on her, tearing her frail, waifish body to pieces. Ator, not having the heart to kill his furry childhood friend, set him loose in the woods after tearfully burying his love, and moved to the east to escape the grief that haunted him every time he was out picking blueberries and saw a bear turd.

Now, though Griba and the Spider have been vanquished, that does not mean there are no evil men. A new tyrant named Zor (who stole his entire wardrobe, hair and makeup from Griba, possibly a son, or maybe just from the same tribe of Village People) now rules the land. He and Ator both studied under Akronas, and somehow Zor has found out about the Nucleus. Zor and his troops are storming the gates as Akronas sends Mila on her mission. Placating her worries by saying “A sly old fox like me knows how to take care of himself”, he is captured seconds later. Yeah, Akronas, you’re about as sly as the McKenzie Brothers.

Meanwhile, Mila finds her way to Ator’s lair, where the love child of Conan and Dee Snider (back in the day when he had huge, poofy hair - not the old, wrinkly, greased-back ponytail Dee Snider you see embarrassing himself on VH1 these days) is working out on his prehistoric Soloflex (look, it’s tough to review a movie that was done on “MST3K” and not steal any of their jokes).

After some shenanigans with invisible warriors summoned by the production department’s lack of budget, a band of samurai assassins under Zor’s employ, and some silly cavemen that we saw in the opening credits, Ator, Thong and Mila are lured back to the village of Ator’s youth. The village has been set upon by the Kungs, worshippers of a giant snake that is in absolutely no way at all related to or even, say, ripping off, the giant snake cult led by Thulsa Doom. No sir, this is a totally original and altogether different giant snake cult. Yep. Absolutely disparate giant snake cult, not even in the same part of the world. After all, there are many different species of giant snake muppets. Have I thoroughly pulped that horse corpse for all it was worth? Good. Moving on… This movie, as well as its predecessor, remind me a bit of The Warriors. Ator’s group have to find their way through all the different lands and the accompanying gangs of weirdos who inhabit them, in order to reach their goal. Cave Dwellers, come out and plaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaay!

That damn sneaky Zor paid off the Kungs to besiege Ator’s village and capture the fringey-kneed, melon-chested hero (curse you and bless you, SOL crew). After that, the village is theirs to raze to the ground, which they do. Now here’s a spot where the Brains made a goof. At the end of the experiment, Crow outlines a list of things that make this the worst movie Dr. Forrester sent to the SOL. Firstly, it is nowhere near the worst movie ever shown in that theater. Secondly, Crow mentions a caveman wearing Raybans. Watch that episode all you want, prop your eyes open with toothpicks if you want, but you will not see that caveman. He was edited out for time. But when the Kangs attack Ator’s village in the uncut movie, there he is, in all his baby-blue-polo-shirted glory, sporting a very stylish set of lenses that wouldn’t be invented for several eons.

After stabbing the world’s biggest sock puppet with a stalagmite, Ator and company escape the Kungs and make their way to Zor’s stronghold. Or maybe it’s actually Akronas’s castle that Zor just took over, that’s never made terribly clear. Anyway, Mila and Thong enter through a secret tunnel, while Ator provides aerial support. Yes, aerial support. He builds a hang glider (which changes shape and color three or four times depending on the angle it’s being shot from) and attacks the parapets with homemade bombs.

Once his defenses are breached, Zor turns out to be something of a wuss, and is easily defeated. Ator takes his leave of Akronas and Mila, leaving Thong to look after them, and sets off to destroy the Nucleus, because mankind just isn’t ready for nuclear bombs yet. Although apparently they’re ready for regular ones.

Blade Master is, with the exception of the hang glider, actually more serious than the first one. Ator’s attitude has gone from flippant teenager to wise sage of the East. Although he’s supposed to be some great scientist, even greater than Akronas, all we see of his scientific knowledge is his ability to make flash powder. When we first see him, he’s building a gigantic broadsword that would make any Viking proud. However, a true student of eastern combat and weaponry would never use such a clunky, smashing weapon, which is probably why we see him fighting with dual katanas through the rest of the movie.

Here’s an interesting little bit of history to end this review. Samurai swords were created with as much care and attention to detail as a work of art. A true master swordsmith took his whole lifetime to perfect his craft. When a sword was complete, it had to be tested to be sure of its worth to its master. A criminal who had been sentenced to death would be brought to the proving ground, and stretched out over a rock. The sword’s new owner would lift the sword above his head and bring it down on the condemned man’s chest. If the sword failed to slice the victim completely and flawlessly in half on the first stroke, it would be melted down and re-forged until it was perfect. Sometimes, spiteful sword testers would swallow stones before the execution to scuff or chip the blade. There, now your mother can’t say you never learned anything from watching these movies and reading websites of questionable content like this. Good evening to you all.