So have you heard about this shit they’re trying to pull in D.C. now? As if the political world hasn’t done enough in the last six years to prove it needs to be taken out behind the barn and shot, there’s a bill currently making the rounds proposing to make adultery a felony. Are you fucking kidding me? Like this country doesn’t have more important things to worry about than coming up with more reasons to pack our already overloaded prison system with people who don’t need to be there. Jesus H. fucking Christ, people, get over it. The human race sucks. Cheating is going to happen. It’s shitty, and cheaters should be punched in the face, but we sure as hell don’t need millions of more tax dollars that can’t afford to be wasted spent on giving federally sanctioned Club Med vacations to assholes who can’t keep their dicks in their pants. Fuck, if the old lady’s really that bad these days, grow a pair and split up. Don’t fucking waste my time with this shit.
Speaking of wasting my time with shit, the insectoid insanity continues this week with Bug Buster, just one in a long line of homages to the glory days of giant bug movies. It’s got everything in place to be a great flick, including a cast boasting James Doohan, George Takei, Dennis Fimple, and Randy Quaid. Unfortunately, something’s rotten in the state of Mount View, California.
The flick opens with the governor of California (how much cooler it would have been had Arnold been up on that podium yelling, “Ve need to tuhminate ziss inzect menace!”) ordering the statewide spraying of a new chemical dubbed theithyon (I probably spelled that wrong, but it’s a made-up chemical to begin with, so who the hell cares?) to prevent insects from wiping out a whole year’s crop. Professor Fujimoto (Takei) protests, stating the chemical hasn’t gone through the proper testing and may cause side effects in the insects. This being the kind of movie it is, guess what happens?
13 years later, father Gil, wife Cami, and daughter Shannon move to Mount View after Gil sinks their life savings into a lodge, just as old fears about a lake monster resurface when locals Veronica and Steve are harassed by something large during a night swim. Jedediah (Fimple) runs around the town proclaiming woe and death as Sheriff Carson (Doohan) and his deputy catch a large scarfish, a species not usually found in their waters. The local veterinarian, Lauri, discovers a large cockroach in the belly of the fish and sends it to Dr. Fujimoto.
That night, the band that Gil hires to play the opening of the lodge suffers a death when a huge millipede crawls into the saxophone of none other than Johnny Legend and chokes him to death. The next day, Lauri finds another live roach in his body. Fujimoto discovers the roaches are a new species, and that they’re only the larval stage of something bigger. As more corpses pile up around Mount View, Sheriff Carson puts the town under quarantine and sprays the area with theithyon again. Because it worked so well the last time, Sheriff Scotty.
It has no effect, and the bite Veronica suffered in the lake festers and her body hatches hundreds of bugs. Steve and Shannon discover Shannon’s parents dead in the lodge, having been stripped to the bone by bugs.
In a desperate last attempt, the deputy calls in General George (Quaid), a Vietnam vet turned exterminator, to come in and destroy the bugs. They head into an abandoned gold mine, where it’s discovered the Sheriff has been protecting the gigantic mother bug, hoping she’ll run everyone out of town so he can buy up the land cheap and lay claim to the undiscovered gold which doesn’t really exist. Sheriff Carson shoots Steve and is eaten by the huge bug, who has come home to nest. George takes out the beastie with a rocket launcher, and the world is saved. Maybe.
Dammit, this movie should rule. It has all the elements of greatness, but for some reason they never quite gel. The cast alone should carry the show, but the only ones who are all that compelling are Fimple and Takei, and they have the least screen time of anyone. The movie can’t decide if it wants to be funny or serious. When it tries to be funny, it’s pretty entertaining, particularly the General George Pest Control commercials. When it tries to be serious, it falls flat. The goofiness undercuts any hope of real drama. Shannon’s nonplussed reaction to her parents’ death is sort of strange. I think if I saw my parents’ mutilated corpses covered with flesh-eating bugs, my reaction would be a little stronger than, “Huh. That’s a bummer.” Then when Steve gets shot she freaks out, only to forget about his death the very next day. Shannon is one cold bitch. Or Katherine Heigl is one shitty actress, take your pick. Even Randy Quaid, usually reliable to put in a great performance, goes too far over the top. It’d probably have worked if the rest of the cast could decide if they were in a comedy or a serious horror flick, but everyone else’s performance is so uneven that Quaid just sticks out like a sore thumb.
The other big problem is, there aren’t enough bug effects. There are tons of cockroaches and millipedes scattered around, but there’s only so much scary you can milk from a bunch of lethargic crumb munchers. When mama bug appears, it’s a goofy-yet-cool guy in a giant mosquito suit (see Mansquito, yes, I said Mansquito, for a much cooler guy in a giant mosquito suit). The effects of the thing flying around are about as lamentable as anything I’ve seen, but dammit, at least they tried. The just didn’t try enough. It’s all buildup and no payoff. Bug Buster is the giant bug cinema equivalent of spending an hour and a half trying to jerk off, but every time you just about blow your load the doorbell rings and you have to start all over again. It feels good for a little while, but in the end you feel chafed and unsatisfied.
Even the end credits song sucks, and it sucks HARD. It’s as if the movie is saying, “That’s right, sucker, you sat through all that, waiting for something good, and then on top of the happens-too-fast-because-we-blew-all-our-money-on-the-actors two pump chump ending, you have to sit here and listen to this shitty song, too!”
They relied so much on having such a fan-grabbing cast that they figured, “Ah, the names will carry it. We‘ll just point the camera at them and it‘ll be great.” FAIL! Go watch Tremors. Go watch Slither. Go watch Eight Legged Freaks. Go watch a Bert I. Gordon movie, for fuck’s sake. I’ll give it a three for a few great moments shining through, and for having Johnny Legend in the movie. Because having Johnny Legend in your movie always makes it better.
The Moral of the Story: Dammit, I’m sick of these limp-dick “homages”. You want to make a funny monster movie, you better bring the good stuff and make the doughnuts. I hate being tricked into awarding undeserved points for flukes of good production values and a smart casting director. I watched
She’s the Man last night and enjoyed it far more than this tepid little poop. I don’t want to like
She’s the Man better than any killer bug movie. That’s just fucking WRONG. Go away now. I need a beer.
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