Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Steve Reeves punching stuffed lions and sleeping on the beach, right? No, no, loyal readers. This is something infinitely more goofy than that. The rest of this review will be told through an approximation of what the conversation that led to the production of this movie must have been like.
Somebody came into the Golan-Globus offices and said, “I have an idea for a Hercules movie!” They said, with heavy accents, “Tell us more.”
“Well,” the enterprising young writer said, “remember how there’s all that mythology? Screw that, mine’s better. In this one, Hercules is created in outer space by Zeus out of pure light energy. He’s beamed into the body of a newborn prince named Hercules down on earth. The evil sorceress Adriana and a leader of the guards named Minos steal a magic sword from the palace of Hercules’s father, the King of Thebes, and overthrow Thebes. Then they go on a firstborn-son-hunt, Old Testament-style, and Hercules gets sent off down the river by a maid.”
At this point, either Golan or Globus, doesn’t matter which one, whoever you want it to be in your head, says, “But that’s The Ten Commandments.”
“No no,” says the young writer, “it gets better. Hercules is found by a lowly farming couple farther downstream.”
“But that’s Superman!”
“Shh. Anyway, Hercules’ dad is killed by a bear, which he then beats to death with his bare hands and hurls into outer space. Minos, now King of Thebes, goes to see his pal, the female inventor Goddess, Daedalus.”
“But Daedalus was a dude! He was Icarus’s dad who made the wax wings.”
“Didn’t I just say ‘shhh’? Now just listen. Daedalus gives King Minos-”
“Wasn’t he the guy who had the minotaur, though?”
“Dammit, listen to me! Daedalus gives King Minos three robot killing machines, a flying insect robot, a three-headed dragon robot, and a centaur robot. He sends the insect ‘bot to kill Hercules’s mom. With mom dead, Hercules goes to a competition in Crete. He wins a gladiatorial contest to marry Cassiopea, but first he must clean out the Sacred Stables where Aphrodite’s thousand horses are kept.”
“Oh, so we keep the one part of the legend that doesn’t really matter all that much, except Hercules was never going to marry Cassiopea, who was an immensely narcissistic queen from another city.”
“Shut up, I’m not finished yet. While Herc and Cassiopea are sleeping, Adriana shows up, kidnaps Cassie, and throws Hercules into the ocean. Hercules swims to shore and meets Circe the sorceress, who drinks his blood to become young again. She and Hercules meet up with the three-headed dragon robot, which is actually the Hydra, three-headed guardian of the gates of Hades.”
“But the Hydra was a nine-headed monster. Cerberus was the three-headed dog who guarded Hades.”
“Nope, it’s better if it’s a robot dragon that shoots laser beams. Anyway, Hercules defeats the Hydra-bot, and he and Circe go to see the King of Africa, who gives them the Chariot of Prometheus after Hercules powers up Ultraman-style and pushes Africa loose from Europe and creates a channel to irrigate the land.
“That’s retarded.”
“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. So Hercules hooks a brick and rope to the chariot, which is useless because it has no horses. He throws the brick, which pulls the chariot with he and Circe in it. They reach Atlantis, the capitol of Greece, but Circe falls in love with him because Hera bribed Aphrodite to make it happen. As we all know, when a sorceress falls in love, she loses her power. They crash-land in the ocean, and swim to shore, where the robot centaur kills Circe. Hercules destroys the centaur and runs inside the volcano which Atlantis is built on. Oh, did I mention that the volcano houses a Phoenix which Minos is trying to harness the power of? And Atlantis is guarded by the Colossus of Rhodes.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?
“I had cocaine and acid and a bottle of vodka for breakfast. So Hercules breaks in and whoops up on a bunch of guards and kills Adriana, saves Cassiopea from being thrown into the volcano, pulls the Sword in the Stone (of the Phoenix, of course) out of the rock, and kills Minos with it. He and Cassiopea get out just in time to watch Atlantis sink beneath the waves. They ride off happily ever after, and we end on a big explosion!”
“You’re related to that meat packing dude who financed Bride of the Monster, aren’t you?”
“Who?”
“Never mind. Anyway, I guess it’s either this or we make another Chuck Norris war movie. Ooh, and I bet we can get Lou Ferrigno to be in it! Young man, you just made yourself a movie!”
“Score!”
