Wakka chikka. Perhaps the most instantly recognizable staple of 70’s movies. Be it porn, cheesy cop dramas, or even the humble horror film, wakka chikka permeated an entire decade, puttin’ some stank on thousands of movies the world over. Usually wakka chikka was mid-tempo, funky, signifying somethin’ sexy on the screen. Sometimes it sped up a bit, denoting some cool action. But in today’s movie, wakka chikka thrashes. Rapid down-picking wakka chikka tears through the movie, enhancing…uhm…actually it doesn’t really enhance anything. In fact, I think it may have been a last-ditch effort to save the movie after the director watched it and realized that NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS!. So they quick cranked out the world’s first thrashachikka score to make the nothing seem more exciting.
Which brings me to my next point. Never walk up to a guy named Bob and say, “So, you got any good bug movies in your collection?” Because he’s going to say yes. And then you’re going to end up watching Invasion of the Bee Girls. And then you’re going to want to do bad things to people named Bob.
And then…what?…oh. Apparently I’m supposed to talk about the movie now. Yeah, so Invasion of the Bee Girls, then. Hm. It’s got Victoria Vetri in it. You remember, that blonde cave chick in When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth who apparently invented makeup and the world‘s first epilady? And it’s got…um…bees. No, I lie. This isn’t a movie about bees. This is a movie about the sound bees make.
In the sleepy town of Peckham, Dr. Rabowski, late of the government-sponsored Brandt Corporation of Mad Science and Generally Playing God, is found dead of sexual exhaustion. Neil Agar is called in from the Pentagon to investigate. Rabowski’s secretary admits to screwing him to death, but Agar blows her off. More dead men turn up, all expired of the same causes. We see several of the men seduced by women with huge sunglasses, who buzz when they’re horny. And then the guys just…die. Most of ’em don’t even get to have any fun. They just hear buzzing and croak.
When one of Rabowski’s colleagues, Dr. Merger, wants to put the town under military quarantine and enforce abstinence until the problem can be solved, he is run down by a mystery driver. Turns out Rabowski’s wife was the queen bee, and she and her bee girls have been rendered sterile by the bee-ification process, forced to forever feed their instinct to mate. Merger was going to remove their mating stock, but since he was gay and therefore impervious to their feminine wiles, he had to be run down.
When Julie is kidnapped by the bee women, Agar tracks them to their secret lair in the Brandt compound, saves Julie, blows up the bee machine, and all is well. Or IS IT!?
As stupid as all that sounds, I can ensure you the movie is even more retarded in person. I particularly love the bee machine in which women are converted. They stand in the middle of a jungle gym while flashing lights are pointed at them. Then they’re covered with Magic Mud and bees and stuck in the microwave. When they’re done cooking, the Magic Mud and the bees come off, a few more minutes in the flashy lights, and then they get their Bee Girl sunglasses and everyone rubs themselves for a few minutes.
I think the movie may have been attempting something deeper than its ability could maintain when Julie admits to killing Rabowski at the beginning. As it is intimated at the end that she is a bee girl, I believe that when she was kidnapped and put in the bee machine, it wasn’t to convert her. She was already a bee girl. They were just using her as a lure to take out Agar, their most dangerous enemy. Or I could just be giving way more credit than this crappy movie deserves. I do have a habit of doing that.
Remember when I said this wasn’t a bug movie but a bug sound movie? The only time we see bees is during the bee-ification process. The women never particularly look like bees. They occasionally wear black scleral contact lenses, and they see in segmented bug-vision (actually, they see in segmented movie bug vision, because real bugs don‘t see millions of the same image, they see an image broken up into millions of pieces, but really bugs don‘t even see images like we see them, they see shades, because their eyes are too small to let in enough light to make images as humans see them, and this is probably the longest parenthetical I‘ve ever written, and I‘ve written some long goddamn parentheticals, seriously, I‘m like the fucking Tolkien of parentheticals, plus it pads the shit out of a review for a movie that‘s almost too retarded for words), even when their eyes are normal, and they buzz when they’re horny. But that’s about it.
Oh, and by the way, why the hell was Rabowski’s wife turning people into bee girls? Seriously, what’s the point? It doesn’t really give you superpowers or anything. It’s not going to help you take over the world. Really, it just ended up leading to everyone getting killed. Such is science, I suppose. Maybe she thought it would allow her to shoot honey out of her butt so she’d never have to buy it any more. Maybe she really wanted to be able to secrete wax and have a stinger. Maybe she was just really bored, and since Uncle Sam was footing the bill at Brandt, she thought, “What’s the stupidest thing I can do with all this government money? Oh yeah, make a bee girl machine! That should kill some time until the pizza gets here.”
The Moral of the Story: Bees are boring, bee women doubly so. They do not make good subjects for movies. They don’t photograph well, and they make too many demands - ON THE VIEWER’S PATIENCE!
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