We set the scene in a rainforest, where a tribe of native women go skinny dipping behind a censor blur (India isn’t very good at this exploitation thing). They’re beset by a gigantic crocodile, and rescued by a mysterious, Tarzan-like woman who swings in on a vine and wrestles a decidedly less gigantic, considerably more rubbery crocodile to the death. One could correctly deduce that this is our Jungle Virgin Force. The mystery woman is wearing a shiny necklace which apparently entitles her to be the tribe’s goddess. Okay, so it’s sort of a Tarzan knockoff. I can deal with that.

That out of the way, on to the city, where a group of intrepid explorers are beseeching a professor to lend them his maps of the jungle so they can rescue the daughter of some rich noble who was lost in a plane crash years ago. Then some hideous, lumpy, deformed (seriously, there’s a guy with a big greasy scar where his eye should be, and another dude who looks like his arm is full of botfly larva) bad guys led by a red-haired Indian (!) break in and demand the same maps because they lead to treasure. There’s a viciously silly and random fistfight with characters we’ve never been introduced to pounding the hell out of other characters we’ve never been introduced to, which all leads into an even less coherent car chase involving some camels and a big ol’ explosion. Uh…so it’s the beginning of Make Them Die Slowly, as interpreted by Thomas Tang. This bit is sort of like watching a riot at the Special Olympics. Fair enough. I guess I can handle two movies in one.

Wait, now we’re going to the jungle with the expedition trying to find the girl who was lost in the plane crash, who turns out to be the daughter of their guide. Okay, so throw in a pinch of Jungle Goddess. Whoa, some snake-worshippin’ horn-wearin’ man tribe led by an old shaman who can shoot lightning bolts out of his hands has decimated the peaceful women and kidnapped one of them! And they threw her off a hundred-foot cliff! And her stunt dummy bounced! And she gets up and runs away! She survived a hundred foot fall and bouncing off of jagged rocks!

Oh no! The evil deformed guys from the Special Olympics riot have followed our intrepid heroes into the jungle! And their leader is wearing a Fila t-shirt! That’s a shitload of exclamation marks for just a few sentences! I’m very excited right now! This movie is crazy!

A lot of stuff happens very incoherently in a very short amount of time, so I’ll try to keep this as straight as I can. During several very long, very dull ritual sequences (imagine if the choreographer of the Mothra dances had been stoned on morphine), it is decided that the tribe of devil men must go to war against the women, because Jungle Virgin Force has stirred all kinds of feminist bra-burning desires and is going to lead a rebellion against the men. Both deformed and non-deformed city folk are captured in the ensuing battle, as well as several of the women from the tribe. One of them is melted rather graphically in a ritual sacrifice before the rest are sentenced to death by torture, which basically means the old shaman is going to zap them until their hearts explode from their chests.

What’s this? Callous caveman conniptions? Jungle Virgin Force has led a rescue team (also organized via boring ritual dance), which gets FUBAR’d because they hide behind easily-fractured stalagmites, which the old lightning dude uses as primitive fragmentation grenades! There go the exclamation marks again! That’s because, aside from the melting woman, the last fifteen minutes or so have been really boring. But now we have exploding rocks and crazy cell animation lightning flying everythefuckwhere and women getting blown up! The movie totally redeemed itself!

Just when it seems like the old shaman is as untouchable as Mechagodzilla unleashing the full fury of his ferocious firepower, he is finally foiled. Unfortunately, Team Fila has also escaped, an now we’re treated to some Keystone Kops cum Benny Hill as directed by Godfrey Ho silliness as they chase each other through the jungle until the bad guys are defeated, and Romantic Lead (could’ve fooled me that was what he was supposed to be) and Jungle Virgin Force are left to stand on top of a mountain (below which peasants are doubtless made to toil harvesting coffee by a dictator riding a donkey) and stare off into the distance.

Good grief. And that, believe it or not, is the normal-sounding coherent version. If you actually watch the movie, I guarantee you’ll be a lot more confused, and likely more than a little giddy. Movies like this are kind of like doing Whip-Its while standing on your head underwater. Watch it with friends, because if you watch it by yourself, you’re going to have a hard time getting anyone else to believe what you’re telling them you just saw. This needs witnesses, trust me. It’s not a heart-stopper like Seventh Curse or Robo Vampire, but it’s right up there pushin’ those boundaries.